Well, Scrub My Face With A Brillo Pad!

Chapter 6

I Was Riding The Whales In Wales

Saturday 13th September

7.00 am

It’s tooooooo early! Unfortunately, I have to be up this early, getting ready, because Granddad and Maisie booked the wedding in for 10.30 this morning. Why they want it in the morning, I don’t know.

5 minutes later

Also, at the moment, it is very sunny. Meaning I’m going to be roasting in that bloody woollen dress.

A minute later

Did I mention that my woollen dress is pink?

Libby’s is yellow.

7.15 am

Mutti is downstairs doing Maisie’s ‘hair’. I don’t know what you could possibly do to it, as she has the very short cut that all the elderly women love. Also, why is my Mother doing her hair? As far as I know, Mutti does not have any hairdressing skills whatsoever. So Maisie may go to this wedding looking bald.

7.30 am

I have decided to just lounge around for a while, and watch everyone else ‘get ready’. Libby is trying to force the cats into dresses. They are not having it.

“Libby, I don’t think the cats want to wear dresses. They’ve cross-dressed far too much, don’t you think you’ve scarred them enough?” I don’t know why I’m trying to reason with her. She doesn’t listen.

“No, bad boy. Cats need to wear dresses to look pretty.”

“But Libby, the cats don’t want to wear dresses. Why don’t you put bowties on them or something? Make them look more manly?”

“OK, bad boy. But Gordy has to wear straw hat.”

Poor Gordy.

8.00 am

I must’ve dropped off for a little zizz somehow, because I just got rudely shaken awake by Mutti.

“Georgia, we have so much to do, and you just fall asleep?!”

“Mother, we got up at a stupid time this morning, I need to catch a few extra z’s.”

“Well, catch them after the wedding. You have to go and get ready. Now!”

Crikey, what’s got her goat?

5 minutes later

Phoned Jas.


Sounds like she’s only just gotten up. If that’s the case, why don’t her parents answer the phone?

“Jas, are you up?”


“You sound tres tired. You just gotten up?”

“Yuppers. I’m exhausted. Tom kept me up all night showing me his-”

“WHOA! Stop that sentence right there! I don’t want to know what Tom was showing you!”

“- His new digital camera, you plonker. He’s really excited about it. We’re going to take some photos today.”

“Oh, OK. I thought it was going to be something rude.”

“Why would you think that?”

“It’s just the way you said the sentence… Anyway, you must hurry and get ready soon. The wedding is only in…Two hours and twenty-five minutes.”

“Shouldn’t you be getting ready more than me?”

“Yes, but that isn’t the point. I now have to go and phone Rosie. To try and get her out of bed.”

“Good luck. Oh, did you know that your Granddad invited Tom, Sven, Dave the Laugh, Rollo, Edward and Declan?”

“He hasn’t?!”

“He has. Anyway, I’ll see you later.”

“Okie dokie.”

A minute later

Not only has Granddad invited my mad friends… He’s also invited their mad boyfriends. And Dave the Laugh. Who I still haven’t seen for ages. Where is he?!

8.34 am

I have managed to do the majority of my make-up in record time. Only because Mutti keeps insisting on doing my hair soon. She’s currently trying to do Libby’s… But Libby keeps giggling and moving around, so it may take a while. Good… It means I can relax…

A minute later

Phone rang

Or not.

“Hello, mad house for the elderly mad who will be getting married in less than two hours, Georgia speaking.”



“How be thou?”

“One is good, thanks. Er, how are you?”

“Fabbity fab, tar. What are you wearing to the wedding?”

I looked at the dress Maisie had knitted me.

“Do you really want the answer to that?”


“I am wearing a lovely pink woollen dress, knitted by Maisie.”



“Are you being serious?”

“Unfortunately so. Libby’s got to wear a yellow one. Mutti’s is multicoloured.”


“Oh, yes. You just go on ahead and laugh. See if I care.”

“Sorry, but that just brought tears to my eyes. I can’t wait to see you all in your woolly dresses. In the sun. And heat. I’ll make sure I get lots of photos.”

“Shut up, Dave. I just know that I’m never going to be able to live this day down. Anyway, where the Hell have you been? You’ve been gone for aaaages, and no one’s seen you, obviously, because you’ve been gone, and you didn’t even phone me!”

“Chill out, Kittykat. I was riding the whales in Wales.”

“You were WHAT?”

“I don’t mean that in the dirty sense, either. Honestly, my family took me on holiday to Wales for a bit, a we were riding some friendly whales.”


“Do you need to go, Kittykat?”

“Er, yes. I need to go and have my hair done by my Mother who actually knows nothing about hairdressing. I am going to be bald, and wearing a pink woolly dress for this wedding… How attractive will that be?”

“Well, I’ll still like you Kittykat. With all your baldness and woolly dress-ness. S’later!”

9.00 am

I have had my hair done. I got Mutti to tie it up, and then leave two little bits dangling at the side of my face, and then Mutti’s curled those two bits. It looks quite nice, actually, considering she isn’t a hairdresser.

5 minutes later

The phone is ringing AGAIN!

“Hello, I would think of something funny to say, but I can’t right now. This is Georgia speaking.”

“GEORGIA!” Rosie’s voice shouted at me from down the phone.

“Yes… That’s me… No need to shout, y’know. I’m not deaf.”

“Oh, OK. I’ve only just gotten out of bed.”

“… Good for you. Oh, crud! I meant to phone you, but I forgot.”

“Yes. I’m running late.”

“Well, what’s the point of phoning me to tell me you’re running late? You’re just making yourself even later by phoning me to tell me you’re running late.”

“You make a good point. Bye!”

She is actually insane.

5 minutes later

The phone is ringing. This is bloody ridiculous! How am I supposed to get anything done if the phone keeps ringing. If it’s Rosie, Jas or Ellen, I will kill them.

“Hello, you people keep interrupting my very busy schedule this morning by phoning every five bloody minutes, Georgia speaking.”

“Haven’t I told you before not to swear!”

Oh great. It was Vati, phoning from the home for elderly mad number 2. Where Granddad was getting ready.

“Lovely to hear from you, too, Vati. What do you want?”

“To talk to your Mother.”

“She’s busy.”

“I need to talk to her.”

“What about?”

“Georgia, just give the bloody phone to your Mother, now.”

“Oh, and you have a go at me for swearing?!”


“Oh, all right…”

I walked into the lounge where Mutti was now trying to put some flowers in Libby’s hair. She was failing.

“Mother, there is a madman on the phone, who just told me off for swearing, and then swore himself. He may have a beard, and he may claim to be my Father. He wants to talk to you.”

I am vair amusant.

The Wedding. Well, Almost

10.30 am

The bride is being driven round and round the block, because Granddad apparently spilled red wine down his white shirt, and therefore needs to find another one, and is going to be late. That’s what Vati phoned up about.

Me and Libby have been dumped outside the church, whilst Mutti is staying with Maisie in the car… Going round and round. We also have the cats with us, as Libby insisted that they have to come to the wedding, too.

So, here we are, me, Libby, Angus, Gordy and the Ace Gang… All stood outside the church, waiting for Granddad to arrive, so we can tell Mutti when he’s actually here.

Rosie is actually wearing her beard. I didn’t expect her to ACTUALLY wear it, but she is. All the boys (including Dave the Laugh!) are pratting around inside the church, trying to direct people where to sit. I don’t think they’re supposed to be telling people where to sit, but they are. They’re doing something stupid, I can tell.

10.35 am

The vicar just came out to say that if they’re more than 15 minutes late, he’ll have to cancel. Why?! His next appointment isn’t until twelve, and this ceremony won’t take long. Hopefully.

10.40 am

Granddad and Vati have turned up. Granddad is wearing a pink shirt. And I don’t mean pale/baby pink. I mean fluorescent pink. Why can’t my family be normal?!

“Er, Granddad, you are aware that is a bright pink shirt you’re wearing?” I said to him as he and Dad got out of the car.

“Yep. It’s the only other clean one of mine I could find,” he said happily, and skipped off into the church with Vati in tow.

“Why does he have a bright pink shirt in the first place?” Jas asked.

I shrugged. I honestly don’t know the answer to that question, or want to know, for that matter.

2 minutes later

The Ace Gang have gone in, and have tied the cats’ leads to the front pews. The cats will still find a way to get free… Now me and Libby are left outside, waiting for Mutti and Maisie.

A minute later

The driver of Maisie’s car was about to drive round again, so I had to jump in the road and shout, “STOP!” Seriously, I’m risking my own health for Granddad’s happiness.

“Have they got here, then?” Mum asked.

“Well, obviously. Otherwise there’d be more people standing outside scratching their heads in confusion. Oh, Dave the Laugh and co. have been telling people where to sit…”

“OK. Maisie, come on, you have to get married now.”

Maisie got out of the car. Even though I saw her this morning, her dress still shocks me. It’s white, but she’s even knitted flowers onto it (and I thought it was the men who had to wear flowers?!), and she has a knitted veil. I’m surprised she can even see where she’s going. In fact, it looks a bit like she’s wearing a Burka.

In the church

A minute later

The wedding music is playing, and- oh my God. Now I see what Dave the Laugh and co. have done. They’ve colour co-ordinated everyone. Like, everyone who’s wearing yellow are sat together, everyone who’s wearing pink are sat together, and so on. It’s… Mad.

11.00 am

I’ve only just noticed, but… The cats really are wearing bowties, and Gordy really is wearing a straw hat. I worry about Libby’s sanity. I can also see the vicar glancing at Rosie’s beard. He’s just jealous, I’m sure.

11.15 am

The vicar is cross-eyed. I am not joking.

“Do you, Maisie blah, blah…”

Maisie blah, blah? Surely that’s not her name.

“… Take this man, Georgia’s grandfather…”

I think I’ve inhaled fumes or something, or my brain is just wandering off into madland.

“… To be your lawfully-ish wedded husband?”


“I suppose so.”

What sort of answer is that?!

A minute later

The vows are done, the ‘I do’s’ (or ‘I suppose so’s’) are done, and the rings have been exchanged. Now we are being tortured by having to watch two very old people snogging.

2 minutes later

… They are still snogging…

A minute later

… Still- oh no, wait! They’ve had to stop because Granddad’s false teeth have fallen out. Hahahahahahahahahaaaaa.

Outside doing photos and stuff

11.30 am

The vicar insisted that he should be in one of the photos. It happened to be that he wanted to be in the photo of me and the Ace Gang. He stood next to Rosie. And stared at her beard the entire time.

“I think he luuuurves you,” I whispered to Rosie.

“Yes, but I have a very mad Swedish bloke over there whom I luuuuurve. I’m not running off with any vicar. Even if he does love me and my beard.”

“So Sven’s from Sweden, now?”

“I don’t know where Sven is from. Nor do I care. All that matters is that he’s mad.”

“You can say that again.”

11.35 am

I’ve just discovered Jas sobbing her little heart out to Tom.

“What’s the matter with her?” I asked Tom. I would’ve asked Jas, but I don’t think she was even aware I was stood next to her.

“Weddings make her a bit weepy,” Tom replied.

A bit weepy? She’s spouting more water than a fountain!

5 minutes later

The photographer hasn’t ran out of film yet, surprisingly. He’s taken A LOAD of pictures. I have just had to have my photo taken with Libby and the cats. The cats seem quite happy, oddly enough.

A minute later

Robbie’s just come up to me. How long’s he been here? Was he invited to the wedding?

“Hey,” he said.

“Howdy. How long have you been here?”

“Not too long. I only came to talk to you for a minute.”

“Oh, OK. I heard you broke up with Lindsay?”

“Yeah, about that…”

“Hold on… I think it’ll be best if we just stay friends,” I said. What was I saying?! Robbie was a Sex God!

Robbie laughed.

“Funny, I was about to say the same thing.”

“Huh? You were?”

He looked kind of sad, now.

“Yeah, you see… I’m moving to New Zealand. Permanently.”

“Seriously? You’d choose wombats and sheep over good old crappy England?”

Robbie laughed again.

“Yeah, I am choosing the wombats and sheep over England. I’ve got great opportunities over there…”

“Like what?”

“You know… Stuff…”

“You’re being really secretive, Robbie.”

“I know. But I’m sure you’ll find out all about it, soon. Anyway, I have to go Georgia. I need to finish packing. See you soon.”

A minute later

Robbie just totally left!

A minute later

Found Jas and Rosie. The others had gone off to snog. Tom and Sven have also wandered off somewhere. Jas has finally stopped crying, but Rosie is still wearing her beard.

“That vicar is still watching you,” I said to Rosie, and we all glanced over at the vicar, who was stood at the door of the church, just staring at Ro-Ro.

“I know. It’s because my beard is irresistible,” Rosie replied, stroking said beard.

“Anyway, I have something to tell you,” I said.

“What is it?” Jas asked.

“You remember I had to choose between Robbie and Dave the Laugh?”

Jas nodded, and Rosie just looked blank.

“Well, I just saw Robbie and told him that I just wanted to be friends with him. It turns out he was going to say the same. Not that he just wanted to be friends with himself, but just wanted to be friends with me. Anyway, he also told me that he was moving to Kiwi-a-gogo. So therefore, I have made my choice.”

“You want Dave the Laugh?” Jas said.


“You want his babies?” Rosie asked.

“Let’s not go that far,” I replied.

“So when does Robbie move to Kiwi-a-gogo?” Jas asked.

“I don’t know. He just went back to his house to finish packing. So probably fairly soon.”

“You need to go and find your man, and tell him he’s your man. Then I’ll find my man, who is probably with Jas’ man, and we’ll just leave everyone else with their men, because I can’t be bothered to find them,” Rosie said.

Me and Jas just looked at her.

But she did make a valid point. I had to go and tell my ‘man’ that he was my ‘man’.

5 minutes later

Finally found Dave. He was sunbathing. Under a tree…?


“Kittykat! What can I be doing for you?”

“Get up, you big lump. I need a hug.”

“What for?”

“Do you want a hug or not?”

Dave got up from sunbathing under his tree, and looked at me. I hugged him. Tight. And refused to let go.

“Whoa, Kittykat, what’s this hug in aid of?”

“Can I have a snog?”

“You’re pushing it. A hug AND a snog?”



Hahahaha, it doesn’t take much to persuade him.

A few minutes later

Few, this snog has just reminded me how much I love snogging Dave. He is vair good at it. I can see Rosie and Jas peeking at us from behind a nearby tree. Nosey buggers.

“So, why did you want a hug and a snog?” Dave asked.

“Because, I finally realised how much I like you.” Christ, I was blushing like a tomato.

“Finally? It’s only taken you, what? 3 years?”

“Yeah, shut up, then. Do you want to finally be my boyfriend or not?”

“I suppose I could do that.”


That’s when Jas and Rosie (and Sven and Tom, who had been hiding very well) jumped out from behind their tree, and started cheering. Dave looked bewildered.

“What the?”

“Sven and I have something to say!” Rosie shouted at me, Jas, Dave and Tom.

“If it’s something stupid, forget it,” Jas said.

“It’s not stupid. All this wedding stuff has been making me think.”

“Oh, God,” I muttered.

“Why don’t we all have a joint wedding?! Me, Sven, Gee, Dave, Jas and Tom?!”

“NO!” everyone else (bar Sven) shouted at her.

“Sorry, Rosie, but I want my wedding to be normal,” I said.

Dave caught my eye and raised his eyebrows.

“Well, normal-ish. With no fur,” I corrected myself.

“Same here,” Jas agreed.

Rosie looked sad.

“Will you at least attend our wedding, and throw us up in the air?”

“Is that what they do at Viking weddings?” Dave asked.

“I don’t know. It is now,” Rosie grinned.

“You are quite officially insane. Of course we’ll throw you around!” I said.

Rosie’s face almost split into two. She was actually grinning that widely.

12.01 pm

We’ve gone to the front of the church to wave off Maisie and Granddad, who are going to the place where their party-like thing is being held.

Is it normal for newlyweds to be taken off in a JCB dump truck? No? It must be my family, then…

“Can we get driven off in a JCB truck?” Dave asked me.

“No,” I replied sternly. “I don’t want any of this utter madness happening at my wedding.”

“Ooooh, boo,” Dave said, pretending to be sad.

I gave him a quick trip to number 6 on the snogging scale, and we started running after all the guests, who were chasing the vicar, who was chasing Sven who was holding Rosie who was still wearing her beard.

The people for the next wedding are not amused that we’ve stole their vicar.


A/N: And there we have it! I hope you enjoyed this... There may be spelling mistakes left, right and center, because I haven't proof-read it... And it was written in July/August last year. Hahaha. Thanks for reading!