Well, Scrub My Face With A Brillo Pad!

Chapter 5

I’m Wearing A Woollen Dress, And I’ve Got To Like It!

Sunday 7th September


As Lonely As A Clud

10.00 am

Last night’s gig was utter PANTS. Pants, pants, pants, PANTS. I will never be going to another party or gig for as long as I live. For last night was utter bollocks. I’ve never had so much unfun in my life!

5 minutes later

Do you want to know why last night’s gig was rubbish?

Of course you do.

Well, Dave never turned up, so the night was bound to be one big unlaugh. And it got worse. Robbie bought me a drink halfway through the Dylans’ set, and said he would walk me home at the end of the night.

But, by the end of the night, Lindsay had slimed her way up to him, and was attached to him like a leech. So much for Robbie telling Lindsay he didn’t want to be with her. The rest of the gang went off with their boyfriends, and I was left to walk home by my onesy, like a complete twat.

5 minutes later

It was so unfun, that my life might just be over.

A minute later

I told Mum of the rubbishness that was last night when I got up this morning. She told me to stop being silly and immature. Which I find quite rude.

2.15 pm

Mr and Mrs Down-The-Road have infiltrated our living room, accusing us of all sorts of things that we clearly haven’t done.

Oh, all right. They’ve just come to tell us that their precious kittykat, Daisy, is pregnant. And it’s our Gordy’s fault. Of course it is.

It is, actually.

2.25 pm

Mr and Mrs Down-The-Road came to the conclusion that it was Gordy’s fault that Daisy got pregnant, because he is the only male cat to have gone near her. I’m surprised that Angus didn’t try his luck with her.

So, Angus’ family becomes larger… Oh my God, he’ll soon become a Granddaddy! He’ll be like my Granddad. Completely bonkers.

2.30 pm

Mr and Mrs Down-The-Road have gone back, err, down the road, to return to their beloved cat, who, they say, will have missed them like crazy because she can’t stand being alone.

No wonder she got it on with Gordy, then.

7.35 pm

I am sat, with my family, in the living room. We are watching Coronation Street. That is how tragic my life has become since last night. Save me.

“Family, I have a question to ask,” Vati said, pretending to smoke one of his cigars.

“Oh, God, no,” I said.

“Don’t be rude, Georgia. What would you say to moving up to Scotland?” Vati asked.

“Oh, God, no, some more,” I replied.

Mum just ‘hmmed’, and Libby didn’t say anything. She was too busy watching Kirk on Coronation Street buying some chips.

“Well, it’s just an idea. It’s not like we’d actually move up there if no one wanted to. I just thought that it might be nice if all of us, Uncle Eddie, Granddad, Maisie and James moved up to Scotland, where we could be one big happy family,” Vati said.

“You are quite insane, Father. There is no way in Hell that I would move up to Scotland with you. Which brings me to the point that I wouldn’t move up to Scotland even more with Uncle Eddie and the rest of the Loon Crew. All they have up there is haggis, and Jock McThick’s on bikes,” I said.

“They have nature,” Mum contributed.

“And how does that make up for the lack of technology and lack of parties?” I asked. “You don’t even want to go, either.”

“I never said I didn’t, and I never said I did,” Mum replied.

“Well, I guess that answers my question. We won’t move to Scotland,” Vati said, returning his gaze to the T.V. again.

1 minute later

It amazes me that Vati would even suggest such a stupid idea.

Monday 8th September


4.15 pm

Guess who kindly put me in detention?


I was making jokes about Slim’s weight (again) to the Ace Gang, and Jas was with us (obviously). It’s hard to remember that she’s now a prefect. Anyway, Jas said she would’ve let me get away with it, if Slim and Hawkeye hadn’t been standing right next to us.

How was I supposed to know that they were just lurking around the corner?! The same corner we happened to be lurking around, just on the other side?! Rosie did make a point, though. It’s amazing that I could’ve missed Slim, considering her size.

So, yes. Jas put me in after-school detention. I am going around the school grounds, litter-picking. I guess the only good thing about it, is that Rosie is with me, because she’s serving the last of her three detentions.

“It was very rude of Jas to put you in detention,” Ro-Ro said.

“Yeah, I know. But she is a prefect,” I replied.

“But, you were being very rude about Slim’s weight. Again.”

“I don’t always take the Mickey out of Slim’s weight. Unlike you, who takes the Mickey out of her 24/7. You even phone me up just to tell me a joke you thought of about Slim.”

“Yeah, well, she is an easy target.”

“With her blubber, she’s bound to be.”

And how we laughed like loons about yet another Slim joke.


5.30 pm

Oh, God. Granddad, Maisie and Uncle Eddie have made themselves at home in our lounge. Maisie appears to be knitting a dress. A woollen dress…? Attractive…

“Hello, Grandfather, Grandfather’s fiancée, and Baldy-O-Gram. What brings you to our humble home?” I asked them as I walked through the door.

“Granddad said he has something to tell us, so we all decided to have a get-together here. It’s easier, and has a lot of wine,” Uncle Eddie winked.

“Go on then, Granddad, tell us what your big news is,” I said to granddad, who didn’t look as though he was listening. But he was.

“Well, as you know, me and Maisie are engaged,” he began.

We all nodded.

“Well, we decided that we’re going to have the wedding sooner rather than later. On Saturday,” Granddad continued.

We all looked at each other.

“You mean, this Saturday?” I asked.

“Yup,” Granddad replied.

“Good on you!” Uncle Eddie exclaimed, clapping Granddad on the back.

“Don’t worry, Georgia, I’ve invited all your little friends, and Libby’s, too!” Granddad said.

He’s invited my friends… My normal-ish friends… Have been invited to an elderly loon’s wedding… Oh my God. And as for Libby’s friends, I just have one question to ask… What friends?

“Granddad, how is Maisie going to have time to find a dress to wear?” I asked.

“She’s knitting her dress right now. And she wants you, your Mum, and Libby to be bridesmaids. Your dresses have already been knitted,” Granddad replied.

“Can’t she talk for herself?” Vati laughed.

“She’s knitting, and knitting takes a lot of concentration. So she doesn’t speak,” Granddad explained, pointing to his wife-to-be.

I walked out and went to my room. I couldn’t take any more of this utter madness.

5.45 pm

They have invited my “little” friends. We have to wear woollen dresses. The wedding is on Saturday.

Well, scrub my face with a Brillo pad!

I do wonder, can my life get any madder than it already is?

Wednesday 10th September


12.30 pm

Here we are, the good old Ace Gang, relaxing and sunbathing in the beginning of the Autumn sun, on the school fields.

Or, we would, if Elvis would stop tell us to move.

“Gee, Jas told me something really important earlier. She wanted to tell you today, but her prefect duties have been amped up, because of all the practical jokes people seem to be playing. So she’s asked me to tell you,” Jools said, as we found another patch of grass to sit down on.

“Can I wear my beard for this important news?” Rosie asked, with all seriousness. We looked at her.

“You can wear your beard if you so wish,” I told her. “Now, Jools, what is this important information Jas wants you to tell me?”

“Well, it’s about Robbie.”

I was quite literally all ears. But not in a Lindsay way.

“What about Robbie?”

Rosie stroked her beard.

“Well, Robbie told Tom who told Jas who told me to tell you, that Robbie has finally ditched Wet Lindsay!”

I could quite literally dance with joy.

“I could dance with joy! But I won’t. He deserves so much better than her. I hope she hasn’t been crying, or gotten depressed, or thrown herself off the pier. That would be quite tragic.”

“Georgia, you are all heart,” Rosie said, patting my shoulder. “Now, about your Granddad’s wedding…”

“Please, let’s not discuss that madness…” I put my head in my hands. My Granddad’s wedding was giving me a headache.

“Well, we need to decide what to wear,” Rosie said.

“Well, I’ve been told what I’m wearing. I’m wearing a woollen dress, and I’ve got to like it!”

They all looked at me.

“Are you being serious?” Mabs asked.

“Yup,” I replied.

“If you’re wearing a woollen dress, then can I wear my beard?”

“Rosie, you can wear that bloody beard and your fur if you want to!”

Walking home with Jas

4.00 pm

Do you know what? I haven’t actually seen Dave the Laugh for ages. I hope he hasn’t been vaporised, or abducted by aliens… I will not let those odd images into my head!

“Have you seen Dave the Laugh recently?” I asked Jas.

“Nope,” she replied. Thank you, bestest pal. You are such a help.

5 minutes later

We just saw a very upset-looking Lindsay, in her car. And we only saw her, because she tried to run us over, AGAIN!

I will put in a complaint about wet people and their dangerous driving…