Well, Scrub My Face With A Brillo Pad!

Chapter 2

The Mystery Of The Moustache Drawer…

Tuesday 12th August

9.35 am

I didn’t dare tell my parents I was buggering off to Cornwall after I got back from Rosie’s house on Sunday. Mainly because Mutti and Vati were doing a lot of shouting because Libby had dressing Angus, Naomi and Gordy up in some of their best clothes. Of course, the cats being the cats, quickly ate the clothes. Hence the shouting.

So, as Mum has the day off work today (not that she ever does any work - unless that work involves flirting with various blokes), I am about to ask her now.

“Ahhh, Mother…”

“No, you still cannot have your hair dyed blonde, you can’t have your belly button pierced, you are not shaving your eyebrows off with your Dad’s razor, you are not having nose or breast reduction surgery, and nor are you having £1000 a week to buy a flat. Happy?”

Oh, ha ha.

“Actually, what I was going to say was none of those things. For once. What I was actually going to say was that Rosie has invited me and the Ace Gang to go on holiday with her.”

“On holiday where?”

“Cornwall. Lizard Point to be exact. Though, I’m not entirely sure that it’s full of Lizards…”

“How would you be getting there?”

“Err,” oh, God, I can’t tell her that Sven’s driving… “Minibus. With a proper driver and everything.” Well, that’s not stretching the truth too much…

“Hmm, it sounds OK. But who else is going?”

“Well, Rosie, obviously. Me, Jas, Mabs, Jools, Ellen…”

“So just your gang?”

“Yeah… And maybe a couple of the boys. Y’know… Dave, Tom… Etc.”

“Where will the boys be staying?”

“Rosie booked two caravans. One for the girls, and one for the boys.”

Please, please, please say yes! And give me £100 for spendaroonies.

“I suppose you can go. You are nearly 17, now. And if Jas will be there, then things will be OK…”

“Great! Now that’s settled, can I have £100 for spending money?”


10.00 am

Mutti said that the most I was allowed was £50 for spending money. So, I need to butter her up to let me have some more. Or, tell Vati that Mutti hasn’t given me much, like £30 or something, and get an extra £30 off of him. I could last with £80. For about 2 days, anyway.

I will start thinking of plans to get more money of Vati.

5 minutes later

These are my plans:

1) Tell him he’s wearing a really attractive tie, and that if he gives me some extra money for Cornwall, I can buy him some more.

2) Tell him I’ve always loved him the most.

3) Tell him his badger-beard thing doesn’t look stupid.

4) Steal his wallet. Hey, if it works for Libby, it’ll work for me.

5.15 pm

Father has returned from somewhere he calls ‘work’. I have ran down the stairs to greet him.

“Good evening, Father! What an attractive tie you’re wearing!”

“Georgia, I’m not wearing a tie.”


“It’s the thought that counts, though, right? You know I’ve always loved you the most…”

“Alright, what do you want?”

“Well, I’m going on holiday to Cornwall with my besties, and Mum’s only given me, like, £30 spending money. So I was wondering if I could have a bit more?”

“You are not going on holiday to Cornwall. Not without a responsible adult.”

“We will have responsible adults there!”

“Oh yeah? Who?”


“Bob,” Mum walked into the hallway from the kitchen, “I think we should let her go on holiday with her friends. It’ll give her a chance to prove that she’s responsible herself. And besides, imagine an entire week without her…”

Oh, thanks, Mother.

“Have you really only given her £30?”

“No, did she say that? I’ve promised her £50, but that’s it.”

Oooh, dear… If I just sneak back up the stairs…

“Georgia! Get back down here now!” Dad shouted.

“But £50 isn’t a lot, really…” I whined.

“It’s enough, isn’t it?” Mum said. “We’re not made of money, you know.”

“Well… Can’t I just have an extra £20...?”

“Tell your Granddad you’re going on holiday. He might give you some extra money,” Mum said in one of those horrible reasoning voices.

“The last time he gave me extra money, it was a 10 pence piece!”

“You can but two small packets of Haribo for 10 pence. They’re 5 pence each,” Dad laughed.

“I don’t want Haribo. I want more spending money!”

“There wasn’t a single ‘please’ in any of her last sentences. Georgia, you won’t get any extra money if you don’t start using manners. Granddad will be around tomorrow. See if you can get some money off of him,” Dad said.

I stormed back up the stairs. My parents are sooooo unfair! Jas has told me how her parents are giving her £100, because they know she’ll spend it sensibly, and not spend it all at once, and use it for extra food and stuff. Gah! I’d spend mine sensibly, too! If I had that much…

Wednesday 13th August

6.00 pm

I’ve spent all day grumping around my bedroom. I’m sooo annoyed. For many reasons. The money problem isn’t the only issue, now. Mutti and Vati said Granddad would be here tonight, but they said nothing about Uncle Eddie or cousin James. Great.

I am stuck at a table with two stupid parents, one insane sister, two furry cats who are trying to get to the food, one elderly loon who I need to get money off, the Baldy-o-Gram, and a perverted cousin.

Save me.

6.15 pm

Oh, God. The wine’s come out, ABBA’s been put on and now a sing-song is going on. Oh, and something keeps touching my leg. I keep thinking it’s the cats, but when I look down, I see James’ hand moving away.

He keeps feeling me up! Ewww! I may be violently sick in a minute.

8.00 pm

On the plus side, all the adults are now so drunk, that I may be able to get extra spending money from all of them. I’ll target the bald coot, first.

“Uncle Eddie, I’m going on holiday to Cornwall on Saturday, with my friends, and I just wanted to know-”

“You wanted to know if I’d like to join you? Of course! I’d bet they’d love the Baldy-o-Gram! I provide endless entertainment!”

“Err, actually, no. I wanted to know if it’s possible to get some spending money from you?”

“Sorry, Georgia, Baldy-o-Grams only receive money, they don’t give it.”

Target 1: Fail.

8.09 pm

“Mum, Dad… About this money issue…”

“We’ve already told you, Georgia, that you’re not getting any more from us.”

Targets 2 and 3: Fail.

8.11 pm

The only target left is Granddad. Or, he would be, if James would stop bloody following me!

“Is there any particular reason why you’re following me all over the house, James?”

“Not really. I couldn’t help overhearing that you need some extra money for your holiday.”

Oh, I bet you could.

“Sort of.”

“I’ll give you some extra money.”

“You will?! Oh, great, James! That’d be fab!”

“On two conditions, though.”

Oh, God.

“And what might they be?”

“1) You let me come with you on this holiday. You’ll be able to think of me as a cash machine. Until I run out, anyway.”

“… What’s the second one?”

“You let me kiss you.”

Ewww, ewww, ewww, ewww, erlack and no! I am not that desperate for extra spending money.

“Err, oh, Y’know what? I’ve just remembered that Granddad promised me some extra money… So, errr… Yeah. Thanks, but no thanks.”

8.15 pm

James has ran off… To join the circus… Hahahahaha. No, he’s playing around with Libby. Good luck to him. Or her. I don’t know who to feel sorry for the most.

Anyway, back to target 4.

“Hey, there, Granddad.”

“This old man’s still got the moves. Wait until I bust them at mine and Maisie’s wedding!”

He’ll definitely bust something in a minute, if he’s not careful. His and Maisie’s wedding? I thought they were actually joking about being engaged. Apparently not.

“Err, Granddad. Can I ask a favour of you?”

“I suppose so.”

“Could I possibly have a bit of extra spending money off of you for my holiday? Please?”

“If you say ‘pretty please, Granddad, with Maisie on top.”

Oh, dear God. That has put a horrible picture in my head.

“Pretty please, Granddad… With… Maisie on top.”

“Good girl. Here’s £20.”

Wow, wow, and triple wow! He actually gave me decent extra spending money. I actually gave him a hug. I’m pretty sure I can make £70 last the week. If I ration myself. And if no one asks me to buy food.

Saturday 16th August

7.15 am

All the Ace Gang slept over at Rosie’s house last night, to save awkward questions from our parents about why Sven’s driving the minibus. I still think we shouldn’t let him. We all still think that Tom should drive. As he actually has a driving license.

We’re just now waiting for the boys to actually arrive. Sven’s put all our stuff into the minibus. Just our stuff alone has taken up the entire back of the minibus, so we don’t actually know where the boys are going to put their suitcases and bags.

7.21 am

The boys have arrived. They all look exhausted.

“Hello, ladies!” Dave shouted to us.

“Dave, may I enquire as to why you all look so tired?” I asked.

“It’s because we were up all night have lots of hot mansex.”

Everyone looked at him.

“Oooh, mansex, yah, yah!” Sven laughed.

“Sven, ignore him,” Rosie said, handing another bag to her beloved.

8.00 am

So, here we all are, crammed into this seemingly small minibus, with Sven at the wheel, zooming down the motorway at some illegal speed. Jas is stuffing herself silly with Midget Gems. She’ll turn into a Midget Gem if she keeps eating them like that.

“Shouldn’t you slow down a bit?” I asked her.

“Shouldn’t you ask Sven that?” She replied, shoving another handful in her mouth.

“Rosie, tell Sven to slow down!” I said.

“Why? He’s doing 60! The speed limit on a motorway is 70! Will you guys chill out?!”

“Is she sure the speed limit is 70?” I asked Jas.

“Don’t know. Nor do I. Nor do I care. I just want to get there in one piece.”

1.26 pm

We’re here! At Lizard Point! Alive! We all scrambled out of the minibus as fast as we could as soon as Sven stopped. I think we’ll get Tom to drive us around everywhere and back home. We’ll all feel so much safer.

So, us girls are settling into our caravan nicely. Or, we would if the boys would stop walking in, looking around, and then walking back out. Nosey buggers. Our caravan isn’t any nicer than theirs. In fact, I do wonder if Rosie actually wanted the moth-eaten choice.

5 minutes later

“Gee, Ro, Tom and I are going for a ramble. We’ll be back soon,” Jas said to us as she walked off.

“But don’t you want some food?!” Rosie shouted after her, but Jas just waved.

Me and Ro-Ro just looked at each other and shrugged.

“I don’t know why she wants to ramble around here. Surely it’s not going to be any different back home?” I said, flopping down onto the very uncomfortable ‘sofa’. You’ve all seen sofas in caravans, right? They don’t look like normal sofas. More like squashy seats around the edge of pubs at tables.

“Ahhh home… I miss it already,” Rosie said, flopping down next to me.

We could hear banging and people falling over in the caravan next to ours. Which happened to be the boys. We could also hear people falling over in our own caravan. That would be Ellen, Jools and Mabs. Me and Jas have been partnered in the bedroom with the double bed, Rosie and Jools are sharing a room, and Ellen and Mabs are sharing a room. They’re clearly trying to sort out all their stuff. Me, Ro and Jas have had the sense to leave it until a bit later.

“Did you say you had food?” I asked Rosie, as we heard a particularly loud thump from the boys’ caravan.

“Yeah, my Mum made these sandwiches,” Rosie held up foil-covered sandwiches. “Only, they might’ve gone a bit hard, now.”

“Food is food. Pass me one.”

4.15 pm

Woahhh! I must’ve fallen asleep, because all I remember is eating that sandwich Rosie gave me, and then going for a lie down for a bit. No one can be bothered to do anything yet, as it’s only the first day. But I do think we’re going to find a fish and chip shop. There’s always one near the seaside somewhere. It’s like, law.

Excuse me as I go to the piddly diddly department.

A minute later

Someone’s drawn a moustache on me!

A minute later

I have stormed into our ‘lounge’ to find out who did it. Why are the boys in here?

“That’s one attractive moustache, Georgia,” Dave laughed.

“Shut up. Who drew it?”

“I don’t care what you say about my obsession, but I’m innocent,” Rosie said.

I looked over at the boys, and raised my eyebrows. Declan and Edward have had moustaches drawn on, too!

“Did you two see who drew your moustaches?” I asked.

“No, we were asleep, too,” Declan replied.

“So someone’s going around whilst people are sleeping, and drawing moustaches on them?” I said.

“Yep,” Edward nodded.

“By the way, Georgia, they’ve drawn it on with permanent marker,” Declan added.

No way! I’ve ran into the ‘bathroom’ to try and wash it off.

A minute later

It won’t come off.

I’m going to have to use A LOT of concealer, foundation and all that malarkey to try and cover it up. I’m probably going to end up looking orange. Eek!

5 minutes later

We’ve decided to go to the beach and play some volleyball. We’re going to walk, too. We’re not letting Sven drive around here, and Tom’s still off on his ramble with Jas.

Declan, Edward and I are learning to live with our moustaches for now. We’re looking at the hilariosity side of it. We are going to find out who drew them, though. We WILL find out…

5.00 pm

Phew. Playing volleyball in the evening’s sun at the beach is quite exhausting. I don’t know who’s winning, as it’s girls vs. boys again, but we have no net. Dave said that we’ll have to “erect” one next time. Which made us all giggle like loons. Which we are.

Sunday 17th August

9.00 am

We’re apparently not doing much today. As it is the first day. I’m sure the amusement park would be open today… Then again, this holiday is just going to be one big amusing trip.

My moustache still won’t come off!! I’ve scrubbed at it like mad, and it’s faded a bit, but you can still see it. When Jas and Tom came back from their ramble last night, they took one look at me, Declan and Edward, and burst out laughing. That is not what I call great friendship.

“Do you still not know who drew the moustaches?” Jas asked me whilst putting her lip gloss on.

“Nope. My immediate thought was Rosie, but she said she was completely innocent this time. Besides, she’s more obsessed with beards than moustaches. So then I thought it might be Dave the Laugh, but… I don’t think he did it.”

“Well, who else is mad enough to go around drawing moustaches on people when they’re asleep?”

Me and Jas looked at each other.

“Sven.” We both said.

A few minutes later

We’ve barged into Rosie and Jools’ room. Jools has gone round to offer tea to the boys (?), aaaand… Rosie has had a moustache drawn onto her. The thing is, she won’t actually mind. She’ll just put her beard on, and make it a beard-and-moustache combo.

“Ro-Ro, wake up you bearded and now moustached loon,” I shook her awake.

“Wassup?” she asked, looking all bleary eyed.

“You have a moustache,” Jas told her.

“What, after 5 long and hard years trying to grow one, I just sprout one overnight?” Rosie went to cop a feel at her moustache. “There’s nothing there.”

Jas grabbed a mirror from the bedside table, and held it up to Rosie’s face.

“Oooh, the moustache artist strikes again!”

“I wouldn’t call them an artist. Anyway, get up. Me and Jas are planning to get everyone to spend the entire day at the beach.”

“Sounds like a plan, batwoman.”

10.00 am

The boys have “erected” a net to play volleyball over, this time. We’re not playing just yet, though. We’re all in the sea. Sven just threw Rosie into it head-first. She may be concussed, now. Also, he likes her new moustache a bit too much. I think it was Sven who drew the moustaches. It has to be him.

12.00 pm

Oof. I am absolutely bloody exhausted. Who knew playing so much volleyball and mucking around in the sea would tire you out so much?? I’ll just have a sit down on this here rock…

“Oi, Georgia,” Dave stuck his head around a nearby rock to look at me. “Come and see this.

“See what?” I asked him.

“Well, if you come over and see, you’ll see, see?”


Reluctantly, I’ve gotten up and walked behind all the rocks that Dave is hidden behind. He pointed to two jellyfish.

“Do you think they’re snogging?”

“Jellyfish don’t snog.”

“They might do. These two look as though they are.”

“Jellyfish don’t even have lips!”

“Do you want to join them?”

“What, go and snog the jellyfish?”

“No, you numpty. We snog, they snog, it’s like a snogfest.”

“Dave, you said no more snogging.”

“Yeah, but I really need a good snog.”


12.30 pm

Me and Dave have been snogging for half an hour! This is ridiculous, someone’s going to have noticed that we’re gone.

“Wow, Georgia. You’re still top on the snogging front. I’ve never snogged a girl with a moustache before, though.”

“So you’ve snogged a guy with a moustache?”


I’d like to think he was joking.

“I think we should return to the others, Kittykat. They’ll wonder where we’d disappeared to.”

A few minutes later

“Where in the name of Jas’ ginormous pants have you been?” Rosie asked me and Dave, slapping me on the back.

“Dave found jellyfish, so I went to see them, too.”

“Oh, so you’ve been snogging?” Rosie raised her eyebrows. She’s put her beard on, too.

“No, we were looking at the jellyfish.”

Rosie just continued giving me one of ‘those’ looks, and wandered off to play volleyball with the others.

7.00 pm

Jas is cooking.

Yes, you did just hear right.

Jas is cooking. For everyone. She says she’s cooking chips and fish fingers. She’s put three packets of fish fingers in the oven. I’m pretty sure we don’t need that many. I think we should’ve just gone to the chip shop.

7.45 pm

The chips are OK, but the fish fingers have been cremated. Jas tried to get Tom to help her, but even he failed.

9.00 pm

The boys have announced that they’re staying in our caravan tonight. We’ve tried everything to get them out. We’ve tried pushing them, offering to show our nungas if they leave, we’ve even tried to get Sven to fart on them, but he couldn’t muster up the gas. Which wasn’t a nice thing to see.

5 minutes later

The boys are singing. Loudly and badly. They’ll have the rest of the caravan park up if they’re not careful. And the last thing we need is a load of old, angry people knocking on our door complaining about the noise.

10.00 pm

Us girls have gone to bed, leaving the boys in the ‘lounge’. They’re not as such being any quieter. If anything, they’ve gotten louder.

5 minutes later

They’re still being ridiculously loud. Oh, wait, I can hear Rosie shouting at them. She’s not impressed. She shouting about the noise, moustaches, lack of things to do, and the fact that the boys won’t bugger off out of our caravan.

5 minutes later

Everything’s gone quiet… But now I can’t sleep…

… ZZZzzzzz…

Monday 18th August

11.16 am

We’re at Flambards amusement park. We got Tom to drive, and refused to let him go for a ramble with Jas. Anyway, this park… Is spectacularly crap. Tom and Jas have wandered off to see the birds and owls and stuff. How sad. Me and Dave are wandering around with the mad couple (Rosie and Sven) to find the big rides.

There aren’t any, really.

Rosie has just spotted a roller coaster, though, and has demanded that we give that a go.

11.30 am

It was utter rubbish. Not at all like the roller coasters at Alton Towers and Drayton Manor and stuff.

I don’t know where Ellen, Jools, Mabs, Rollo, Declan and Edward have gone. They just mentioned that they were wandering off, and now they’re gone. Weird.

Sven’s just spotted a tattoo place. Luckily, it’s not real tattoos, but airbrush tattoos. They sound awesome actually, I may have to get one, and present it to my Mother and Father and say it’s real. Teehee.

12.00 pm

I’ve had a little cat done. The woman added glitter to it, and everything. Rosie’s had a Viking done, and so has Sven. They are quite sensationally mad. Dave said that he’d pass, and was getting quite hungry. So, now we’re hopping off to find something to eat.

5 minutes later

Yummm, burgers.

12.16 pm

The rest of the gang have found us, even Tom and Jas, and they’ve all got food, too. Jas is showing me her ridiculous pictures of all the animals she and Tom saw, on her digital camera.

Birds… Owls… More birds… Hawks… A snail… A snake… How interesting. Not.

5.03 pm

We’ve all come home. The ‘amusement’ park was getting a bit boring. So much for being amusing. Jas is looking through the bloody pictures of birds again, but with Tom this time. She’s also refused to cook tonight, after the fiasco of the fish fingers last night.

Sooo… Me and Rosie are cooking. Which… Should be interesting.

7.34 pm

Me and Rosie have managed to cook a nice tea of pasta, tuna and mayonnaise. Nothing has been burnt, and it’s all very edible. We’ve told everyone that the boys will be cooking tomorrow night.

8.01 pm

The boys have eaten and run! They’ve buggered back off to their own caravan to “make some noise” as Dave put it. Us girls have all changed into our jimjams, and are sat on mine and Jas’ bed, just talking.

“This holiday is a hoot and a half, isn’t it?” Rosie said, adjusting her beard.

“I suppose so,” Jas shrugged.

“Wrong answer, Jas. The right answer is ‘of course this holiday is a hoot and a half, Rosie, and I thank you muchly for organising it’,” Rosie said, giving Jas a shove.

“But now we have nothing else to do. We’ve been to the beach twice, and even been to the amusement park. What’s left to do?” I asked.

“I think we should just have a lazy day,” Jools said. “Y’know, to just hang around the caravans, watching T.V. and generally doing bugger all.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Rosie said. “We’ll do that tomorrow. Then on Wednesday, we’ll go back to the beach. On Thursday we’ll go shopping for souvenirs, and on Friday we’ll just have another lazy day, packing all our stuff up.”

“You know the boys will probably just change all of those plans,” Mabs said.

“Not if I can help it,” Rosie disagreed. “For I am the super-duper plan enforcer!”

We all just looked at her.

Tuesday 19th August

8.15 am

Why am I up so early? This is supposed to be a lazy day! Not even Jas is awake, yet. I might just go back to sleep…

A few minutes later

No I won’t, because the boys are banging on the door, begging us to let them in. Bang all you want, guys, but we’re not getting up for anyone.

11.05 am

The boys finally went away, and I got a couple of hours extra sleep. Jas is up, busying around the kitchen. Rosie isn’t up, I can hear her snoring in the next room. By the sounds of things, Jools, Mabs and Ellen are up, because they’re talking to some of the boys.

12.30 pm

I must’ve fallen asleep again, because I’ve just been rudely awoken by Dave.

“Get out of my room.”

“You need to get up.”

“No I don’t. Today is a lazy day, and by the sounds of things, it’s tipping down with rain, so I am not getting out of bed for love nor money.”

“Odd, Rosie said something similar to that, except she was talking more in grunts.”

“Nothing will get that girl up. Just like nothing is going to get me up today.”

“Fine, then I’ll just have to join you in bed.”

“Excuse me? I’m in my pyjamas, and you have a lovely girlfriend of your own to share a bed with.”

“Didn’t stop you from snogging me the other day, though, did it?” Dave whispered.

“Oh, shut up. It was all your talk about the jellyfish, and my lips just puckered up.”

“So, what your saying is that, if I ever want to snog you, I should just talk about jellyfish?”

“No! Dave. Go away. I’m going to get dressed, and I’ll be out in a minute.”

Dave grinned and walked out. I heard Rosie’s door being opened, and Dave trying to get her out of bed. Then I heard a “ROAR” and a loud thud. I think Rosie may have just murdered Dave.

6.00 pm

Today really has been a lazy day. We’ve all just been sat in our caravan, watching T.V., eating snacks, and tried to ignore Rosie and Sven’s snogging.

On the moustache front, it’s nearly gone, but not quite yet.

Wednesday 20th August

11.00 am

We’re just heading out to the beach again. Sven wanted to drive there, but Tom’s insisted that he drives whenever we go somewhere, now.

The Beach

11.30 am

Jas has bought everyone ice creams from the seaside ice cream shop. It tastes yummy, because it’s proper Cornish ice cream. And we all know that Cornish ice cream is the best ice cream.

5 minutes later

It’s so damn warm! Also, some of my ice cream just accidentally dripped onto Ellen’s head. She’s shrieking and screaming like a baby, but Dave’s told her to go and wash her head off in the sea. And she has. Her hair’s going to be a nightmare to brush, now.

1.30 pm

Dave’s bought everyone hotdogs from the other food stand. They’re quite nice, but Sven’s dropped his in the sand, and now it’s all sandy. Not that he cares. He’s still happily munching on it. Erlack.

5.30 pm

We going back to the caravans. As no one can be bothered to cook tonight, we’ve planned to stop off at the chip shop on the way. We’re sending Jas and Tom in with our orders.

5.45 pm

If Jas and Tom understood anything of what everyone wanted, I’ll be amazed. We were just shouting it at them. I’m pretty sure they weren’t even listening, but will come out with just whatever they could afford.

Back at the girls’ caravan

6.00 pm

Yummy, chippy chips. Jas and Tom got a few of the orders wrong, but no one seems to care. Everyone seems happy enough that they’ve just got chips. Anything else they’ve got is an added bonus.

Thursday 21st August

8.15 am

For once, all the girls have gotten up early, because we’re desperate to go shopping. Even if it just for souvenirs. We love any kind of shopping. We’re having trouble getting the boys to open their door, though. We’re knocking on it like there’s no tomorrow.

5 minutes later

Still knocking on their door, and… Oh! It’s opening! Sven’s opened the door, looking all bleary eyed… And hungover.

“We had alcohol, yes. Was good, yes. But head hurts now.”

We all looked at each other with our eyebrows raised.

“And why weren’t we invited to share your alcohol?” Rosie asked, hand on her hip.

Sven didn’t answer, but just snogged her.

11.15 am

It has taken us 3 hours to get the boys out of bed. Tom is probably the only one who isn’t hungover. He said that alcohol isn’t his “thing”. What, and rambling is?

11.45 am

YAY! Shopping!!

3.04 pm

I’ve bought Mum a nice keyring, Libby a toy of a whale, and I’ve bought Dad an attractive new tie. I’ve bought them all sticks of rock, too. I’ve bought Granddad some Cornish novelty socks, and I’ve bought Maisie some new wool. For Uncle Eddie, I bought him an attractive multi-coloured wig. To hide his baldness. For the cats, I had to visit a special pet shop, and they had fish dangling off a stick. So I bought some for the cats, but I know that they’ll be eaten within five minutes. I like to think these people will appreciate their gifts, but I know they won’t.

Saturday 23rd August

7.15 am

I can’t believe we’re going home today! Yesterday was a nightmare of trying to find things that we’d lost. Scarily, most of the make-up we’d lost has wandered over into the boys’ caravan.

8.30 am

Goodbye Cornwall! We’re just driving towards the motorway now. Tom is driving. Rosie’s fallen asleep, the boys are singing, the other girls and filing their nails and nattering, and Sven… Has just taken out a permanent marker, and re-drawn Rosie’s moustache. IT WAS HIM ALL ALONG!


4.51 pm

“Hello, Mother, Father, sister and cats! It is I, Georgia, back from holiday!”

No answer.

Of course, they’ve all gone out.


The front door opened, and in bounded my sister, Mum, Dad and the cats.

“Oh, you’re back, are you?” Dad said, putting some shopping away.

“Yes I am. And do my eyes deceive me, or have you actually bought food?”

“We have. Oh, by the way, Georgia, Masimo phoned to say he was back, and that he’d like to see you sometime,” Mum said.

Oh, buggering Hell.

Sunday 24th August

11.30 am

I phoned Dave up, to see if he could meet me. He is, and he has something to tell me, too. I need his advice about Masimo.

“Kittykat! Over here!” Dave called. He was just walking across the park towards me.


11.45 am

I still don’t see the point of coffee… Anyway, I’ve explained to Dave that Masimo callously dumped me before he zoomed back off to Italy, and that he’d phoned yesterday before I got back to say that he wanted to see me again.

“It sounds as though he only wants to go out with you when it suits him and when it doesn’t. I still think he’s gay, because I swear, I have seen him with a handbag,” Dave said. I looked at him.

“So, do you think I should see him again or not?”

“I say not. And not just because I don’t like him. But because you deserve to be treated better than how he’s treated you. What, he calls you to say you should take a break from your relationship, then he flies off to Italy, and then he comes back, phones your house and says he wants to see you again. No one deserves to be treated like that. I don’t think you should go back out with him, because it sounds like he’s using you.”

Wow, that was full of wisdomosity. So much, that I don’t think my brain can take it.

“OK, if Masimo phones again, I’ll tell him I don’t want to know. Anyway, what was it that you wanted to tell me?”

Dave shifted in his seat a bit.

“Well, I just wanted to tell you that I’ve dumped Emma. I don’t know if you wanted to know, but I thought I’d let you know, anyway.”

“Oh, Ok. Did you dump her for any particular reason?”

“Other than the fact that I really like a certain someone else? No.”

1.00 pm

Dave is kindly walking me home. Strangely, I felt elated when he told me that he’d dumped Emma. I just feel so happy now. Why?

“Anyway, I guess I’ll see you later,” Dave said.

“Yeah, I’ll see you later,” I replied.

Neither of us moved. I looked at him. He looked at me. I still looked at him. And then he kissed me!

That’s when I noticed a scooter coming down the street.

Oh, buggering Hell.