Name: Nikki
Age: 27
DOB: Nov. 24 1986
Height: 5ft roughly - What? I'm short
Believe in Love at First Sight: No.
Relationship Status: Single / Don't care
Here lately, I've come to discover, it doesn't matter whether I get married or not. It doesn't even matter if I stay single. Thing is, I may or may not be ready for it. What's important is being content with what you have.
I have a lot of favorite anime, but a few of them include: Code Geass, Trigun, Fullmetal Alchemist and Fairy Tail.
Favorite music: rock / hard rock / heavy metal, pop - I like things that people have said doesn't fit me.
My all time favorite band is the old Guns N' Roses. The new one sucked. End of story.

It's Never Enough

I don't give, so I'm not doing enough. I go to church today, and that's the message I get from it. Why? Why is it that everything I do is never enough? I can't be a good enough friend, I can't be a good enough girlfriend (if that's even what you want to call what I was). I don't have a good enough job. It seems like every time I turn around, something isn't good enough. I hate being human. It would be so much better to either be an animal or not even exist. Why God created humans in the first place is beyond me. It wasn't necessary.

Some Songs Are Addicting

Have you ever been so addicted to a song that you listen to it over and over again? Lately, a friend of mine showed me this song, "Inner Universe" by Origa. It's from "Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex." I swear, I am so addicted to this song, I want to watch the anime sometime, just because this song is so freaking amazing. It's sung in three different languages, and I'm not sure if it's trance or not, but I feel like I'm in one when I listen to it. lol I just can't help from listening to it over and over again.

Things I'll Never Understand

Hmm, I've come to realize that there are things I'll just never understand. As sad as it is, it's just the truth. For instance, I was thinking about the conversations I have with friends, and the things I happen to read. They are about romance, for lack of a better way to say it. Although, anyone with a brain will get what I mean, I'm sure. Anyways, as I sit here and type, I can't help but think writing about romance, and not necessarily in the way I was hinting, but just love in general would be nice. I just may never fully understand because I've never experienced it before. I know what hugs and kisses are like and a few other things, but I've never really actually known the loving of a man. I just hope when I do, he's a good man. See, I can write things like, "She laid on the grass next to him and laid her head on his chest as they stared at the stars and he gently ran his fingers through her silky hair" all day long, but it would be nice to experience it. I'm just simply thinking here, so don't get the wrong idea.

The Calm After the Storm

You know what I've discovered? Well, I was going to fix myself. I was making a list of how I'd actually like to be versus how I think I am. I realized something though. See, in the anime, Fullmetal Alchemist, "To obtain, something of equal value must be lost." This is the law of equivalent exchange. That being said, I learned that you have to rid yourself of your negative feelings. Now, I can write down what causes my negative feelings, but then again, reading it over and over again might make me remember my negative feelings. I don't need to go around in circles. I found that I was back to where I was back in November / December of last year. Funny, but it seems a year was plenty of time to forget what I had been told. Maybe the best thing to do is not to think. Thinking gets me into trouble. The best idea is to forget it and go on. See, I just have to remember it's all in my head. If anyone disliked me, all they'd have to do, and most do, is say, "I hate you." Well, okay, maybe not most, but most people do tell someone when they don't like them. Of course, they also tell you when they like you, or that you're forgiven. The thing to really break is my paranoia. Maybe the way to break my paranoia is just by being me. If I do something wrong, I can apologize and try to do better, but I don't have to beat myself up over it. As the song, "The Middle" by Jimmy Eat World states, "Just be yourself. It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else." I just do the best I can and everything will be alright. I just need to relax and chill out, yeah?

Whatever Happened to Me?

I have been having a meltdown, and to pretend otherwise would be a lie. I have reached the breaking point and now, I have absolutely no idea what to do. I can't believe I feel this way because I'm an adult, and I should be stronger. I am naturally self destructive. It's not to the point to where I would do something regretable to myself, but I have punished myself over and over again because I keep failing at letting go, and I keep getting paranoid that he will leave me just like one friend did. It's the same... I felt the same way for him that I did with that guy. I fear losing this friend, and I'm fighting, trying to let go. I just don't know how to do it, and now, it's killing me because I don't want to do the wrong thing. I just want to figure this out so my meltdown can end. It's made me into a monster, and I don't recognize myself anymore. Please God... let this end!