Dear Bryce,
What can I say to you that would make you understand all of this? I’m sure my death will come as a surprise. I am sorry, for that dark surprise. Believe me, I am. But I’m not sorry for dying.
You’re probably thinking this might have something to do with you. My dying, I mean. I swear to you that it does not. You did not inspire it, or fail to prevent it. I’ve wanted this for a long time, long before I even knew you.
I never told you about my desire to die because, well, what was the point? The thing about pain is that no matter how many people you talk to, for however long, it doesn’t go away. It’s my pain after all. It’s a part of me, integrated in my skin and bones.
You’re very important to me, Bryce. That why I’m writing this letter to you. I thought
There was a gap in the writing, where Lina simply stopped midsentence. Then it picked up again a few lines down, in a different pen color.
I guess there’s no reason to hide my feelings now.
I thought I was in love with you, Bryce. I missed you when I didn’t see you. I thought about telling you all the time but I never could make it happen. So I thought I’d wait to tell you when I was ready.
Then I had a dream. It happened like this:
I opened my eyes and found myself at what felt like the top of the sky. Spread out beneath me was the city and beyond that, the sea and green hills. I was so high up, people and cars didn’t seem to exist. And instead of feeling afraid, I was thrilled to find myself free falling through the sky. The wind was gentle and quiet, even though it pulled my hair back and made my clothes ripple. Everything was too bright, too sharp and sparkling, and I remember thinking briefly, “This must be a dream.” Bryce, I had never felt so happy.
There was a squeeze to my hand and I looked over. You were right next to me, holding my hand, and smiling at me. I smiled back. But then your fingers slipped from mine and you drifted away on an air current, all the way smiling.
And then it was like reality came rushing back to me. The wind was roaring in my ears, freezing, and trying to peel the skin from my bones. I reached for you but you didn’t seem to see me. I went tumbling away and the land, sea, and sky were whirling around me so fast I couldn’t tell which was what anymore. I wasn’t scared though. I just felt a little sad, and a little surprised. Then I burst into a flock of birds. Bright white birds that scattered on the winds.
I woke up with the realization that I didn’t love you because I didn’t know you. God, Bryce, I’m such a horrible person. Ever since I met you, not once have I thought of you as a real person. You are like some sort of character, not even real. And I think I fell in love that idea, of you being a fantasy. I’ve been looking for the fantasy, the escape, in my life for so long. Without it, I was unhappy, depressed. That’s why I read all those fantasy books, to try to fill that need. That’s why I ran track, in hopes that maybe one day I could run so fast, I’d sprout wings and fly off somewhere. It never happened, of course. Then you came along and I jumped at the idea that you could be the fantasy that I needed.
But you are real, Bryce. A real person. I wanted you to be what I needed so much that I completely ignored the fact that you were human. And if I had been thinking about you like that for eight months, I didn’t deserve to have you as a friend, not to mention as a boyfriend.
It kept me up all night, Bryce, this thought. I couldn’t get over it. I tried but every time I saw you, it reminded me how terrible I’ve been to you all this time. I’m so, so sorry.
I want to find a place where I can have the fantasy, and it isn’t here in this life, and it isn’t with you. Just know that this wasn’t your fault. This is what I wanted, and have wanted for ever. I’m better off on the other side. I know I am.
Goodbye,
Lina
