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Getting New Sketchbooks Makes Me Feel Awkward =(
Mon Sep 28, 2009, 9:20 PM
* Mood: Excited
* Listening to: "Dancing in the Moonlight"-Toploader ver
It really does. Maybe it's because I mostly draw manga and the fact that I'm still mediocre when it comes to realism and other art forms...I'd feel better if I could make my sketchbook(but I don't have the right paper for that, since I'll be painting in this thing, too). The fact that my mom is being critical of me throughout the whole trip, like saying "the paper is the same" or "those aren't sketchbooks"(when they really are). The best sketchbook I could find, since the bookstore was the only place open right now, was one with one of those wooden-drawing-figures in the corner of it...it practically screams "I'M GONNA DRAW, SO I'M GETTING THIS STEREOTYPICAL SKETCHBOOK =B"...I'm self-conscious when it comes to things like that. Like carrying around educational books to make up for the pile of manga I have in my arms...well, back then--now I read everything online, so that's not really a current problem.
Anyway, tried to draw BoA from a reference shot(not in the sketchbook, on a piece of paper...with blue crayon), and it wasn't very good =( I'll scan it in later--there's so many mistakes in it DX
I'm gonna go decorate my stereotypical sketchbook now =D BAICAN'TWAITFORMYFIRSTAPSTUDIOART2DCLASSTOMORRO W<3
-KF
Sad Songs on the Radio
Sun Sep 20, 2009, 8:58 PM
* Mood: Confused
* Listening to: "What Went Wrong?"-blink-182
I'm supposed to be over it. Why am I so crushed? I let him take over my life back then, and now I'm paying for it. His ex is now his girlfriend for the 50millionth time and now even though he's my best friend I can't even talk to him because she hates my guts.
Why did I even tell him those things? Why did I let him take everything? Why am I so upset about such a stupid person? Why even get annoyed by it? He's just a best friend. That I loved. From middle school And things happened over the past 4 years. He's not worth it. He was so much trouble. I can have a pick of basically whoever I want, I shouldn't be upset because he said things that usually don't happen. I shouldn't have believed him in the first place.
Why won't this all disappear? I keep letting feelings get in the way of things. It's nothing to kill myself over. I know the logic. The smart thing to do would be to drop everything related to him. But I know I won't. And I know he's gonna pop up at the least expected time again at my school or something and give me those eyes; then when my guard is down, those feelings I managed to put away will come leaking out for the millionth time, and things will start up again. Because I can't let go of things. I can't let go. I gotta chop my hands off.
Sorry for the emo-ness; I'm venting.
-KF
Why I Comick So Damn Much
Sat Aug 22, 2009, 3:46 PM
* Mood: Tearful
* Listening to: "Soaring"-Sydney Forest
* Reading: over the comic
* Drinking: Tang
Monique, you can't even come over during the week to work on the comic. My mom wants me to focus on school and doesn't give a damn that we already payed for the table and etc. Let's see if we can do it at school, ok? Like in the library, or the band room when there isn't any practice. I'll see if you can come over tomorrow after church, but again--I have no fucking clue.
I hate living at my house. I have overprotective parents that don't give a damn about my hobby or what I think. My dad never liked me drawing manga and calls anime "La La Land". My mom just looked at my work and called it cute, nothing else. I never was allowed to hang out with my friends, especially if they were also into anime and manga and video games. I also wasn't as outgoing as I am now, so I spent most of my time reading fiction to get away from it. Even in elementary school, I stayed after school with the library assistant to read and help out. All that reading is probably why English continues to be my best subject. But I really liked art. I tried out every form I encountered. The only time I regretted trying out a style was the only time my dad thought it was absolutely spectacular--I find squeezing paint out of those pen-like tubes fun, even back then. I was doing that and had paint all over one of my folders and left it on the table. I was gonna throw it away later, but I wanted it to dry so my mom didn't get mad at me if I got paint somewhere. Well, I went back and found it gone, so I figured somebody threw it out for me. Then at the kitchen table, my dad said I made something great and I thought he was talking about a drawing I did earlier that day. Then he took out the folder and I got really mad, saying I didn't mean to make it. Then that night I ripped it up and threw it away. That probably seems really stupid and childish, but...I was around 8 or 9--what do you expect?
I started dabbling in manga, I got really into it--loved it obviously, since I'm still doing it. So I experimented a lot over the years and finally got my "style" down. I'm still experimenting with other styles, but so far this is pretty stable. When I think manga, I think fantasy, and video games. Something that isn't my life. My life at home is boring and lonely and depressing--not like "I wanna kill myself" but more of "When I'm 18, I'm so out of here". I hate going home. At home, I have to act like someone completely different. I can't joke around like I do at school or with my friends. My teachers probably have a better understanding of what I'm like than my parents do. I can't openly express my love for anime and manga because I get criticized if I play any foreign music, draw, or watch anime. I have to shut myself up in my room to do it, and then they get mad if I do that. My parents want me to be this big scholar person that makes a gazillion dollars when I just kind of want to live a peaceful life in an apartment somewhere working on G33|<!! or in a cottage in the woods painting my life away and living off what I have. If it wasn't for the fact that I need money, I wouldn't even give a damn about college.
In short, I comick because I need to get away without really getting away. I want to do something right. I'm not that good at school, or sports, or anything else for that matter. I'm not musical, I'm not an actor/actress, I'm not as sweet as honey, and I'm not studious. I'm a girl that tatoos bleached leaves with graphite dreams and acid thoughts because the rabbit hole to my wonderland is barred shut until further notice.
-KF
I Always Nap After the First Day of School
Wed Aug 19, 2009, 1:52 AM
* Mood: Tired
* Listening to: "Ironic"-covered by Four Year Strong
It's true, I do--ever since 6th grade actually. Today's lasted 5 hours though--which is why I'm still awake. I'm waiting for the washer to finish so I can stick my jeans in the dryer...I'm not done with my back-to-school shopping, so I still have to wash my jeans about every other day, the usable jeans. I can't get away with ripped up(and I mean RIPPED--like I stuck them in a blender with sharp objects) jeans 'til winter vacation. Can't wait until the next holiday =D
Spent 4.5hours in the guidance office with other people waiting to get my schedule to get fixed...now my schedule's just impossible...AP Psych conflicted with Spanish 4, so they put me in Spanish 5; I dunno how I can survive, since I barely paid attention in Spanish 2(it skips from 2 to 4 because our school is just FANTASTIC). Met some pretty awesome people though, all from saying that I wanted pancakes. My friend Black Jap(his name is actually CJ but I nicknamed him since he's Blackanese) owed me pancakes from Free Pancake Day at IHOP and I didn't have breakfast, so I decided to have some fun and pester him about it. Then I said it a bit too loud and some guy(his names Logan and he's fucking amazing <3) was like "Hey, I want pancakes" and we became this li'l group of 5 wanting pancakes...then I went on to sing the old Winnie the Pooh song("Gotta get up, gotta get going..."--that theme was in my head since right when I woke up for school x_x) and Logan joined in on the chorus. Then he listened to his iPod and sang along to all those old songs from the 90s--and now I'm into Four Year Strong(too bad he has a gf of 6months in Maine). None of us got to eat lunch either. I ended up eating mine in class when I got back =/ I didn't even finish DX.
Anywho, the washer's done--so I'm gonna stick my clothes in the dryer and head to bed. *smack kiss* GOODNIGHT EVERYBODY!
-KF
God, I'm Stupid
Sun Aug 9, 2009, 2:41 PM
* Mood: Moving on
* Listening to: Japanese Conversation
* Eating: Corned Beef and Rice
* Drinking: Tang and Water
I was watching anime(what else?) and I had my headphones on, but I never plugged the headphones in. So, halfway through the episode I realized why the sound was kind of muffled and I went to scratch my ear and the headphones were in the way (x_x). I think the lack of physical contact is getting to me.
Doing a quick job today in about 2.5hours--moving furniture again for my divorced cousin for $20--it's not much, but it's something.
Fought with my parents a li'l while ago about moving. My mom went on about how my neighbour/friend moved in with her boyfriend after she graduated. I told her I didn't see the problem with it and started accusing me of moving in with a boyfriend after I graduate. I told her if I have one and it's convenient for school or work, then I would and she started going off on me and saying how I shouldn't expect any money from them for school or rent if I do that--for cripes sake, I haven't done anything yet and i'm getting in trouble. Blew off some steam at Josh's, will blow off more moving furniture 2-3x my size.
-KF
