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Just Another Slap in the Face
Sun Nov 1, 2009, 2:44 PM
* Mood: Vengeful
"Grow up." I hate that phrase. I find it ironic that when i finally get to make a decision that can really affect my life, I can't choose between limitless options. I just can't. It's like throwing a toddler that just learned how to walk into a marathon. It's pathetic--I'M pathetic. I lack motivation to do anything, and I know I can do it. I'm just too fucking lazy. I'm letting an inferiority complex get the best of me, I actually start expecting other people to help, when in the end it all comes down to what I think, and what I think alone, and what I do about it. And what I think just doesn't seem to click with what I know is the right thing to do. I'm a stupid little teenager that knows what to do and chooses not to do it. And why? Just because I'm lazy. It doesn't interest me at all. And I don't want to think that I'm one of those "regular" kids, when I might truly be one. A mediocre stereotypical 16 year old girl. Gross.
I don't go for education. I go for the experience. Probably the only motivation for even graduating and going to college is so that I can experience it all. Yeah, I appreciate what I learned along the way--but it doesn't interest me. Nothing interests me. My grades suffer because I'm a selfish brat and when I do try my best it doesn't even show. Probably the only way I can get better at something is to compete--but what good will it do if that person doesn't know that we're competing?
The only respect I receive is when I draw something, and even then it lasts a maximum of maybe 10 minutes. Drawing. That's all I can do. No matter how much I improve, it's not something my parents will be proud of. My friends would just look at it, have a few comments, then forget about it in the next 5 minutes. It's just something to amuse myself with.
I need to turn my life around. I'll show you. Being lazy may be something I can fix. Just watch. Fuck you, Calvin. Never compare me and that kid.
Sad Songs on the Radio
Sun Sep 20, 2009, 8:58 PM
* Mood: Confused
* Listening to: "What Went Wrong?"-blink-182
I'm supposed to be over it. Why am I so crushed? I let him take over my life back then, and now I'm paying for it. His ex is now his girlfriend for the 50millionth time and now even though he's my best friend I can't even talk to him because she hates my guts.
Why did I even tell him those things? Why did I let him take everything? Why am I so upset about such a stupid person? Why even get annoyed by it? He's just a best friend. That I loved. From middle school And things happened over the past 4 years. He's not worth it. He was so much trouble. I can have a pick of basically whoever I want, I shouldn't be upset because he said things that usually don't happen. I shouldn't have believed him in the first place.
Why won't this all disappear? I keep letting feelings get in the way of things. It's nothing to kill myself over. I know the logic. The smart thing to do would be to drop everything related to him. But I know I won't. And I know he's gonna pop up at the least expected time again at my school or something and give me those eyes; then when my guard is down, those feelings I managed to put away will come leaking out for the millionth time, and things will start up again. Because I can't let go of things. I can't let go. I gotta chop my hands off.
Sorry for the emo-ness; I'm venting.
-KF
Gah...Stupid KF, Stupid...
Mon May 25, 2009, 12:56 PM
* Mood: Shame
* Listening to: "Sara's Song"-the ESP's
* Drinking: Orange Juice
I regret so much right now; I just keep leading this kid on cuz I'm selfish and don't know what I want. I feel like I'm reverting back to my middle school self, or I'm evolving into some sort of...thing-yeah, some sort of thing I don't like. I can't really look at the mirror the right way; I look different. Maybe I'm just growing up? That's depressing, I'm 16-I'm supposed to be living a carefree life with stereotypical teenager problems like getting a date, parents, and friends-so why is that these are all magnified by at least 5x? It might seem like I'm just exaggerating this, like every other teenager out there, but I know the difference...
For those of you that wish for a manga life on a shooting star or something, be specific and be careful-you might get exactly what you wished for, cuz I did...
On a lighter note, my parents' 25th anniversary was yesterday-I dunno how my mom could stand my dad for that long, cuz I can barely stand him for 5 minutes, but they're happy and disgustingly lovey-dovey so it's fine.
We're going to the beach later today cuz it's Labour Day-I'm gonna have a permanent tan because of all these trips to the beach(we live 5minutes away from there). I hope we can stop by the Ice Cream Club afterwards-today looks like an ice cream day. For the past couple of days it's been icky and humid and very rainstorm-y-I'm looking outside now and Mr. Blue Sky is out so it's all good =3
For those of you who actually read all this, I'm sorry-I rant.
<3 KF
Punching Cats
Sun May 10, 2009, 1:21 PM
* Mood: Disbelief
* Listening to: "Stray Cat Strut"-Stray Cats
* Reading: Filipino Empanada Recipe
* Eating: I REALLY want one of those empanadas...
No, I'm not-but we DO have to give away our preggerz Neko-chan =( My mom still doesn't like her very much, especially the whole pregnant thing-we picked her off the street already pregnant.
I've been violent lately-more violent than usual. And for some reason, I've had this really big urge to just beat up some of my closest friends. They're being idiots. And if that doesn't help, my best friends' last day was Friday(cuz they're seniors). So, I'm stuck with my closer best friends that I want to kick in the guts...
What adds more to the-ew-drama of it all is that my ever-so-troublesome-ex is going to be attending my school next year. We made this silly promise years ago that we would go back out when I was 18 cuz my parents didn't like him and we were "in love". I finally got over this kid last year(the promise was issued when I was in 8th grade, so it took about 2.5yrs) and since then I've finally been able to hold a somewhat steady relationship. And y'all know about my recent accomplishment of getting over my most recent ex. Since then I've been really happy and spent my time with my senior friends cuz they were leaving.
Well, on Friday I was joking with my friends after school and out of the blue I get a text from a number that looks semi-familiar("Hi"). I asked who it was and it was *drumroll* Jimi. My brain stopped working for a while. I let my friend Quaid know(he was his best friend when we were all still in contact) and we both had that "Ah crap" look on our faces. Then I told Mo and Cal.
This Jimi kid has this thing where he turns up when I'm absolutely happy and in bliss and don't have him on my mind at all. In other words-when I least want him to. He has problems, like being kicked out of his house last year and currently living with his friends who are having a baby, dropped out of school in sophmore year(he was held back in 6th grade, so now he's 18). Don't get me wrong, I don't hate the guy-I just wish he wouldn't come back at the worst times like he does.
Part of me is happy he's gonna be going to my school so I can keep tabs on him and help him with his schoolwork and etc. He was forced out of childhood and thrown right into the adult world, and without a real teenager life he's kind of socially messed up. I don't care if he drops out again, but I at least want him to have a real teen life, y'know? I want to help him since he's done a lot for me-I wouldn't have the personality I have now if it wasn't for him. And I'm the only friend he has left from the "old days"...and he still likes me. Which makes convincing him to do things easier on my part.
So...I guess I'm making him a project of some sort. Jimi Restoration Committee...COMMENCE!! God, I need a life *punches friend in the gut*
-KF
End
