I stood and picked up the vase. I was tired. I had cried as much as my eyes would let me and the pain that once was sharp and never ending had numbed me. Spread your ashes on top of the hill. Your ashes.I was really alone. This wasn’t a dream this was real. You weren’t going to come back tomorrow, or call me tonight when I got home to ask ‘how was the trip?’No. Why was I finding it hard to believe? Maybe because you were only 19. Maybe because we aren’t old and grey. All these maybes.
I began to do as you requested.
There were a handful of your ashes left when I stopped. I wondered at how this grey dust could be you. I stared and thought hard. You were 6’1. You had brown hair and brown eyes. You were lean and strong, you were all this and more and yet depicted as a handful of grey dust, your ashes. Maybe it was true what people said. Maybe you do go a bit crazy when you lose the one you loved. Maybe you were more affected by the loss when it’s your first love and you’re so young. My first and last love I decided. There was no way I could fall again after experiencing something so heavy on the heart and soul.
I wanted to let go of the dust. I wanted to let the wind do its job and spread the rest of his ashes across this tormenting place, but I didn’t because I couldn’t. I was struggling with something. If I let go then the last evidence of your existence would be gone too. But if I didn’t let go then I would be hurting myself by disobeying your request.
“Let go.”
My head shot up and I looked around. That was your voice. It was so clear and distinct but I couldn’t see you. I looked down at the grey dust, half expecting a mouth to appear, but nothing happened. It was funny how the dust symbolised so much other than what youused to be. The grey dullness of it symbolised what you left me, in a state of purgatory. I was neither there or here. I was waiting. The fine powder was easily disappearing with the light breeze, which showed how quick we are all swept from one place to another, with no real control over the direction or destination.
“Asia please let go.” I shook my head. I had lost it.
“I don’t want to Uri.”
“I know, I know. But you have too. It will be okay I promise. Just let go.” Uri’s voice was becoming more distinct and louder, like someone had turned up the volume. So this is what it’s like to be crazy.
“How can it be okay when you’re gone and I’m alone? I can’t sleep without waking up in tears or talk without erupting into hysterics!”
“I love you now let go.”
That wasn’t the response I wanted. I shook my head like a two-year-old and held tighter onto the grey dust.
“I can’t take back what I meant and I won’t even if I could. But I need you to let go and move on. I loved you and you loved me. You’re still here so live and laugh like you did before me. Don’t forget me but don’t dwell on me.”
“I…” What could I say? How come the voice in my head, his voice, was making sense? Why was I listening to him? Why was I going to argue with myself over a voice my mind was constructing to comfort the loss I felt.
Slowly my grip on the dust was loosening. I watched in horror as the wind began to pick up, taking more of him away from me. Then the voice spoke up again, this time sounding closer to me than before. It was like he was right behind me and with the wind I could almost feel him there.
“Good girl. Remember to smile when you leave this hill.” I nodded.
“Good. Asia you will move on and when you do bring him to this hill. Make him take the winding road and when you reach the top tell him how he is like the Sakura tree and you like the hill, protecting the thing you cherish most from the eyes of the undeserving. Remember to smile. Goodbye Asia.”
A gust of wind blew from behind me whipping my hair everywhere and taking the vase down the hill. I stood there for a while blinking till I finally broke out laughing. Nothing was really funny but there was this sense of relief. It was like a huge bolder was lifted from my shoulders and I could now finally swing my arms around, dance, jump, do anything. The voice in my head was right, I needed to move on, not forget but don’t dwell on the past.
I was atop the hill for a while more, and when I believed all I had to do was done, I made my way down the winding road. I was happy. I smiled and skipped for a bit, reminiscing about what just passed. I found it ironic that I should end up being the hill and that my next unsuspecting lover will be the Sakura tree. Of course Uri would always be my Sakura tree, but that would be only for me, I will tell no one that.
