The sun was setting. From the window of the backseat it painted a beautiful orange, rouge, purple and pink background. I sat, motionless for hour’s maybe, completely unaware of time. In my hands, as the car drove up the dirt, bumpy road, held perfectly in place, was a vase. It was magnificent in all its sadistic beauty. White, with silver, depicting beauty and tranquillity. Doves’ flying off for handles, and I was its protector. While everything else in that car moved, from the bobble head to the car keys, to even the people, Mr and Mrs Brown and myself, the vase was stone still. Every time the car rocked harder, my grip on the vase grew tighter.
We were driving up a hill with too many potholes. No one talked. The radio was turned on but the volume was almost inaudible. Mrs Brown was looking out the passenger side window, trying to pay attention to all the beauty nature could offer, but I knew her eyes were more focussed on the side-view mirror, watching me, worrying about me. Mr Brown was much the same except his eyes were on the rear-view mirror. I paid no attention to them.
My mind was not in the present. It drifted from memory to memory, with a break in between where I found myself staring out the window again. I assume I was in a pitiable state. However I betrayed no emotion to make that assumption factual. I was quite and like a mask, motionless. Maybe I should have been crying, maybe I should be fighting back tears or some sort of feeling. However there was nothing. Mrs Brown had this look on her face, something along the line of pride in me but also regret? Maybe she thought I was putting on a brave face for her feelings and Mr Brown’s too, but I wasn’t and I couldn’t tell them that either. I couldn’t tell them anything.
While I drifted in and out of consciousness, things began to resurface that I had completely forgotten. These tangible memories were both recent and also many, many times old. I couldn’t distinguish between them the chronological order they belonged in. I just understood their importance and felt their power over me. Was I wholly lost beyond recovery? I couldn’t taste anything for weeks. I can’t laugh, or speak with emotion. The people, friends and family that had once flocked around me, enjoyed me, laughed with me, and smiled at me have now dispersed. They avoid me, are depressed by me, stare at me and talk of me. I came to the conclusion a long time ago that I had become what many Hollywood films depict, a zombie. There were differences between myself and the flesh eating dead, but I believe those inconsequential details should be left out. The important part was that I was no longer functional. I couldn’t laugh or smile because I never felt the urge too. Nor did I think I needed too. It was like all that was human, these emotions and expressions, were deprogrammed from myself and I can’t find the CD’s or the slot, to program them back in.
I don’t know how but I let the first memory enter my gates, instead of letting it dance outside the wall that I had put up sometime ago. I usually watched these memories, watch them dance and shoot arrows of feelings and easily did I dodge them from the top of my wall. But now I had made the mistake of actually letting one come through my gate.
It wasn’t as painful as I thought it would be. I let it consume me while I sat there, remembering every fine detail of that night. Every person intact and real.
It was New Year’s Eve. There was a celebration with all our friends at Adam’s house. I didn’t know who would all be there but I did know which of my friends would, the people I wanted most to be there. I was running late, like usual. I had no way of getting up there and so I rounded up enough money to take a cab part way. The rest I walked. I was flustered and angry. I remember cursing under my breath at the cab driver and anyone dear to him for his unseasonable attitude towards me and his ungenerous nature too. He had dropped me off at the street and told me I had another 15 to 30 minute walk ahead of me. He then continued driving up the street I had to walk up.
You were already there. Not expecting anything to happen, just like I was, on this New Year’s Eve. I ran 6 blocks in the freezing cold, glad that even though I put a lot of effort to look good, I wasn’t completely frustrated that it was going to shame with my running and jumping and the snow falling. When I arrived, panting with red cheeks and a matching nose, everyone started greeting me at the door. The people I did know thrust themselves upon me, giving me hugs and kisses, and shouting ‘Happy New Years!’ Those I didn’t know I could see peering at me from behind others, curious and pleased by what they saw. That’s when I met you.
Alana came out of no where and grabbed me by the arm, pulling me towards where you were. I remember she talked of you once. She told me how handsome she found you and how intelligent you were. And I remember not paying any attention to her ramblings because I didn’t care how handsome you were or mannered, I didn’t care if you could speak more then one language or if you had taken advanced courses. I didn’t care because I didn’t know you and you didn’t know me. Even after meeting you for the first time I remember still not caring. You were handsome but we didn’t share much conversation to gauge my interest. We left it at that, do you remember?
I remember sharing a few sentences whenever our paths crossed in the rooms or when our friends were all in one group. It was interesting, what you had to say on some subjects. You were well versed in music and movies, but not in novels. We didn’t share much it seemed.
Half way through the night we were again in the same room but doing completely different things. At first when I came downstairs you were standing beside me, pulling up a camera you were holding onto and trying to take a picture of me. I turned my head stubbornly, and you tried again. That time you only got a picture of my lips. Then the scene changed and you were sitting down at one end of the room, I at another. I was standing and talking to my friend, while you sat perfectly towards me. I didn’t believe at that time you were actually looking at me for any other reason then because you were lazy to look elsewhere. Little did I know you were looking at me because you found me beautiful. Remember when you recalled that night to me? You told me you couldn’t take your eyes off of me and was stunned because no girl actually had that effect on you before. You said you were trying to figure out why when you were looking at me, but could not come to a reasonable answer. I kissed you right after you told me that.
When that night had ended you were in my mind as much as was the broken beer bottle. It was only until a week later, when Alana had mentioned you and your uptight attitude about dating that you crossed my mind. We had similar expectations about dating it seemed. You weren’t looking to fool around with many different girls, and neither was I with men. We both wanted someone to be comfortable with, someone we could trust and love, care for and fall on, most importantly, we were looking for a home. After that you crossed my mind many times, I don’t know why but I guess I wanted to dream that you would be the one.
We both held our own tolerably well. You said you thought of me once after the party and that was it. I remember feeling very hurt. You kissed my temple and told me that it all changed when you saw me again.
It was 2 months later that we saw each other; it was a long time for me, because I wanted to judge you, it was nothing to you.
I was told that the people who were at the New Year’s party would be at the next one coming up. I won’t lie; you crossed my mind frequently till the day of the party. This time I made sure I was early. I remember refusing to do anything that required me to be more than five minutes away from my house. My mom was annoyed along with Alana, who called me that day to go shopping. I refused every temptation. I sat up in my room reading my favourite novel, Pride and Prejudice, and listening to Andrea Bocelli. The CD must have played 4 times through before I went down stairs to eat. When Justin called and said he’d come pick me up I was ecstatic! I danced around as I got ready; picking out an outfit I thought flattered myself and even applied a sweet candy scented perfume. I will admit I let my imagination get the best of me.
You weren’t there. That’s what I remember saying, thank-god no one heard me. But you weren’t and I felt myself crash to the floor—figuratively. It was 8 o’clock and I was doomed for four hours of nothing that interested me. However my friends pulled me back together without much trouble and made me forget about you within an hour. I laughed and smiled, clapped and jump. I was having fun, and it was incandescent.
How long were you standing there, watching me? You disguised yourself well because I never noticed till you approached Alana and me. You gave me a rough estimate after word of half an hour but your friend said you arrived much earlier then that.
I was surprised and also extremely happy. You smiled at both Alana and me and because you knew Alana better of the two, you started a conversation with her first. I listened intently, looking for an opening and trying to better understand you, but was unsuccessful. However you sought to include me and sometimes it seemed like you were giving me preference but I remembered tossing that idea aside because I felt there was nothing special about me to attract you. Alana was just as watchful as I was and half way through the night, when she was able to get time alone with me, told me of her theory. She believed you liked me, and wouldn’t hear otherwise, be it my denials or logic. I remember laughing and letting her praise and theories fill my head. It didn’t last long because as soon as we entered into the loud crowded part of the house, I threw them out.
You must have had a few more beers while I was upstairs because when I came back down and saw you approach me, I could notice some swaying in your movements and how you seemed to be concentrating more then usual on me and your sentences. I was perfectly sober though. I had stopped drinking when others were beginning to drink too much. I was right in doing that, others needed a driver.
We continued to talk, you were speaking rapidly now and only to me. You looked at me, smiled at me and leaned towards me. It didn’t seem to bother you that there were other people in the conversation too and that I didn’t have much to say in response to what you had said. I nodded, laughed and smiled where appropriate. I gave you my full attention, staring into your eyes reminding myself that I needed to look somewhere else every now and then. Your brown eyes were beautiful. Dark and polished how else can I describe them? Were they attractive to me because I knew at that moment they were only for me? Maybe.I miss your eyes, Uri.
I snapped back and gripped the vase tighter now. My eyes were now focused on the back of Mrs Brown’s seat. I stared, not physically seeing it, although I knew it was there. My mind or my feelings were trying to comprehend something. It was there--I knew it. What I was trying to grasp was right in front of me but still vague. My heart was racing; I was hunching over the vase as my body began to realise what my mind was still trying to comprehend…
