The Silent (Otaku Eternal) | Posted 07/24/12 | Reply
I'm really not big on creative writing (it's something I'm not particularly good at) - but I'll give you my thoughts.
It's not confusing! It's clear - although of course there is an element of mystery that certainly comes with it. It has the hook - pool of blood, violence, that sort of thing - although it's difficult to see where you might be taking it. To really sink the hook, maybe you need a hint at what is to come (does the woman actually die - or does something pull her back? Or are we sticking with the demon..? etc.)
The dialog is simple - which is not bad. It's actually not too heavy-handed, for such an archetypical confrontation. (Lone woman vs. evil monster thing, etc.)
The opening phrase "Under cover of a stormy night" - you might want to ditch. That one does feel cliche.
I'm not sure there's quite enough there to determine whether or not the characters are flat. Although, for whatever reason, I really like that the demon says "Farewell" to the woman - there's the beginning of a character there!
Kaijin89
Otaku Legend | Posted 07/24/12 | Reply
Wow, thanks! I posted this forever ago, but looking at it again and reading your critique makes me want to pick it up again. You were very helpful.
snow fox
The Silent (Otaku Eternal) | Posted 07/24/12 | Reply
I'm really not big on creative writing (it's something I'm not particularly good at) - but I'll give you my thoughts.
It's not confusing! It's clear - although of course there is an element of mystery that certainly comes with it. It has the hook - pool of blood, violence, that sort of thing - although it's difficult to see where you might be taking it. To really sink the hook, maybe you need a hint at what is to come (does the woman actually die - or does something pull her back? Or are we sticking with the demon..? etc.)
The dialog is simple - which is not bad. It's actually not too heavy-handed, for such an archetypical confrontation. (Lone woman vs. evil monster thing, etc.)
The opening phrase "Under cover of a stormy night" - you might want to ditch. That one does feel cliche.
I'm not sure there's quite enough there to determine whether or not the characters are flat. Although, for whatever reason, I really like that the demon says "Farewell" to the woman - there's the beginning of a character there!