Titles are acquired.

Well you see, I do this thing where I produce a mental image of me banging my head against a wall. Haha It's so silly, the things I imagine to suppress myself from really feeling what it is that I am feeling. For excuses for covering up my reasons. Tears swell up inside of me, threatening to spill over, but my dam built upon will power refuses that to happen. Good. Only, when I am finally alone, they still don't come. Confusion etches at me, and the real source of that is unknown, and that's what bothers me. My mom always tells me "The worst kind of cancer is the kind where you don't know where the origin is." Well, that's how I feel right now, which probably means I'm feeling lost. Lost. I can't quite see or tell which direction home is. I see all of these effects, but I have yet to figure out what the true cause is. I'm always so terrible at this. I pay attention to little details, but what I fail to do is pick up on the elephant standing in the hallway. Something I would notice is the colors of the ball he's standing on. I don't see how I operate like that, but I do. That's why one of my friend's always says that we complement each other because all she sees is the big picture, which is the very thing that I seriously fail at. Okay, so I know that I'm not good at that, but what makes matters worse is that it's so bad that I can't even figure out the true problem to all of my actions. I want to cry, but I just can't, and I can't even explain why I want to in the first place.
I want to just melt into a nothingness, just for awhile. Only for a moment, where no one can see me. Where no one can touch me. Where no one can break me. Despite that, I feel like I contribute to my own shattering. Collapsing into tiny shards so much so that I feel nothing. It's something I want and despise at the same time. I dislike myself when I am heartless, yet I dislike myself when I care too much. Either way, the pain is inescapable.
Such a fantastic dream. A dream of a dream. Everything seems so far out of reach. Phoenixes are truly amazing, being able to rise from the ashes like they do. This, is exactly what I must learn to do. I used to be so strong, being able to separate 'this' from 'that'. 'This,' was always my secret world, in my room, the conflicting and wandering thoughts of my soul. The things I suppress. Those I push back for a later time and just do my best to ignore until I'm finally alone, finally safe. 'That,' was always my world outside of these walls, outside of these posts, and outside of these words. What happened? Did I crack? It's time to bring out the duct tape and fix some things. I need to learn how to make things right again, bring it back to that weird stage or stability that I am used to. I can feel it coming.
I have to face it.
I must rise up from my own ashes.