- Created By stars go bye
One step forward, ten steps back
Will it ever stop hurting?
Every inch of progress I make brings awareness to the ten more miles I need to be at.
One "yes" is followed by fifteen "no's"
Don't get me wrong. I want to see you. I really do.
"I want this. I want that." Truthfully, I only want those things so I can get closer to where you are.
Learn to parallel park. Get a license. Get a car. Visit you...or at least halfway.
No. Parents uncomfortable with me taking interstate.
Bring friend with me?
No. Friend can't take off work. Parents refuse to give me interstate experience I need to let them trust me with going to take the interstate.
But I can just go with car right? Got work. Got paid. Got money.
No. Brother's car broke down and must use my car for hour+ long commute to work and back. Brother is broke and so I still pay gas for his commute.
Well at least I still have time?
No. Upgrading to full time for benefits. Must take care of family. Someone has to take the trash out, cook lunch, provide emotional support and advice, do laundry, help with younger sister's homework, record eye exercise progress for younger brother, be the scapegoat for mom, help dad because of his health problems, bring the dog in for the night and let him out in the morning, get mad at older brother, etc.
"Come visit me."
I'm trying! I really am. But the world I'm in holds me back. Do you have any idea how badly I want to just go? To just leave. To just run to where I want to be?
Why do I have such a strong super ego? Why does my duty to others override my duty to myself?
Is it my sense of responsibility? Is it the fear that the guilt will eat me up alive? Is it just because I want to do things the right way? Let's face it. I'm getting restless.
What about a consolation prize?
No. I can't even go to the anime convention because I have to cover the other girl's shift at work because SHE'S GOING TO THE SAME ANIME CONVENTION.
My ability to wait during the day is tolerable as long as I can occupy myself with other things.
My ability to wait during the night is excruciating.
I miss you, and I hate the feeling of missing you.
Distance has never really bothered me until I met you. Four to five hours isn't that bad, unless it becomes the distance it takes to see you. It becomes even more painful knowing that distance is just the drive. It doesn't even count when either one of us will be free to see the other and have the means to do so, additionally in my case, allowed and trusted to take the trek on my own. Then it becomes days, weeks, months.
I don't want it to get any longer than that. I don't know if I can handle any longer than that. I guess if I have to, I can force myself to keep hanging on and staying strong...like I do every day.
End
