Hello there, my name is Alexander.
I like syringes, scalpels, stitches and smiles.
I don't really do much aside from drink coffee and exist.

Let's have a better week.

I'm feeling much, much, much better than was last week so I think this week'll be much better.
I think one reason I'm feeling good is because I got what was bothering me off my chest with someone, which I would do much more often, were I not terribly embarrassed to do so.
Valentine's Day is coming up!
Valentine's day is one of my favorite holidays.
I hope I can find something special to do with my sweetheart this Valentine's day, but we're long distance currently and it seems he doesn't much enjoy Skype calls, soo...

I hate talking on the phone so much. Someone I'm not terribly fond of has been bothering me by phone all weekend.

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Oh. Noisuf X came out with a new album earlier in the week. That made me endlessly happy considering I've been waiting for it since December. Worth the wait, I say.

Let's have a great day,
+Alexander H.


It's going to be a good day today, I know it. Busy, but good.

I don't want to leave the house, though. It's toasty in here. The idea of curling up in bed and watching movies and sleeping all day is too great, but I won't give in.

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My coffee tastes kinda funny this morning.

I don't want write words do


My day was less than great, in fact, it sucked quite a bit.

I'm not going to talk about that though, since all of my posts in this world so far have been sad little messes of rants, vents, and nonsense. Contrary to how it may sound based on those last few posts, I'm usually very cheery. These last few days, however, have been screwing me up something nasty. I've been a giant dribble-pile of thoughts, feelings, and lack of feelings, without much consciousness in between to keep them all in order properly.

I'm starting to feel more... Real now. I'm getting things figured out and hopefully all this nonsense will sort itself out sooner rather than later. I wish I knew what was causing this jumble. Maybe it's something in my coffee.

I wrote a longer post earlier, but my computer locked up like it's been doing pretty often recently and I was forced to reboot it, losing the post in the process. Fooey.

I have Painttool SAI open and my tablet out and it's tempting me something fierce. Maybe I'll submit some dibbles and durbles later tonight.

Hmm. I had an idea of what I was going to post earlier, but I've completely forgotten.

If I can't think of anything else to write, then I guess I'll say farewell for the time being.

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Keep smiling y'all!


Lapses in memory

Entire chunks of my memory have been going missing recently.

Usually during the night time. I have absolutely no memory whatsoever of last night, from about 7:30 to around 2:00 in the morning. This also happened to me on Saturday and Friday night. It's happened before, but it used to be really, really rare. Luckily this weekend wasn't as bad as some of those other times, though. I didn't do anything crazy. I haven't done anything crazy during these, but I have done really weird things and had no memory. Like going on long rants about transhumanism to my sweetheart. That was an odd one. The first time it happened, I woke up to my room completely cleaned, vacuumed, and dusted, music coming from my computer, and a new character on Fallout: New Vegas.

sdfghjkljuhytrewsedrftgyhgtfdfv gbnm,?


dfghjkl;lkjhgtfredwwertyuiopkjhyt fghjklkjhy fgh jfrghjk.

I'm going to take a nap. it's 7:16 P.M., let's see if I remember this when I wake up.

Goodest of nights to you all.

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A violent emotion

First off, I apologize for my somewhat nonsensical post yesterday. I was really out of it when I wrote that. I had a really weird weekend and I honestly don't remember entire chunks of it.

Second off, I apologize for this post also, it's probably going to be even worse.

I'm going to be really vague.

I have a fantastic life. It's literally near-perfect.

There's one thing, though, one thing that gnaws at me every single day, and it has for years. It only started heavily bothering me in the last 2-3 years. Some days it bothers me worse than others. These last few days, it's been bothering me something fierce.

How should I explain the average day? Hmm.
Whenever I look at my reflection, I don't see me staring back.
It makes me feel terrible. It feels like I'm lying to the people I talk to, deceiving them, and I don't have a choice.
Each day, near everyone thinks I'm something I'm not and they don't believe me when I correct them and elaborate.

On really bad days, though, I can barely take it. I have unwelcome and violent thoughts, and sometimes I snap at people, which is fairly rare for me. On really bad days, I think about cutting off my face and large quantities of my unnecessary flesh. Now, before anyone reading this gets worried, remember that these are just things I think heavily about, I'm near-positive I'm too much of a wimp when it comes to pain to go through with it. The urge is there, though. I really wish I could at least wear a mask to cover up my natural face since I can't show my real face no matter how hard I wish I could. I also think often about smashing my pelvis with a mallet when I feel really down. Again, don't worry too much about me actually going through with that. It's just a strong urge, not something I'm in danger of doing.
I've already fixed myself a little, and am in the process of doing more, but it's really slow, it's pretty damn uncomfortable, painful even, and I don't think I'll ever be what I am. I honestly would rather stop existing than continue existing like this.

I'm very sorry The O has to be the place I post about this sort of stuff, but it's probably my least-observed online account and I can vent to some people, but not everyone all at once.

I'm really tired.

+Alexander H.