Like seriously...
Rambling
So much had happened to me this month, the falling out with my dad, my pet died, I met a new friend, new plans and resolve for my life, my most recent dizzy spell, my back hurting again and god knows what else!
I normally have some set topics with my world posts but I have no clue where to start. This month has been so damn intense for me. I just feel like I'm stuck between old and new. I'm trying to get rid of the old but the new is not yet set for me, or I'm not set for it so I'm going through all this pain. It's all really too much at times and I hope that this crappy vortex ends soon.
Random Dizziness And Nausea
This weekend have to be one of the worst I had. Yesterday morning I woke up feeling so off balance with my stomach turning, I felt like I just got off a roller coaster. I wasn't sick, like at all and I haven't done anything that could trigger this. I had to ask my mom to make me soup since I couldn't move without feeling so spacey and all this BS. That and I didn't want to spit up anything I ate so I just went with the safe meal and chose soup. By the end of the day I felt better, 85% of the spinning of the room sensation was gone. Right now I'm 95% over it and I'm hoping it all will be gone by tomorrow because I'm meeting Yvette again.
Fast Friends
Speaking of which we are going to hang out at the mall tomorrow. We're going to met downtown early in the morning and head to a mall near Delaware. I'm really looking forward to this because this week has been a struggle for me. Going outside with a friend and talk about everything will help me clear my head!
I Really F**king Hate Summer
I really do. I guess the end all of this month is that I freaking hate summer for all it's worth. Too much BS tends to explode during the summer time and people like to act like morons. My life always takes this extreme turn for no reason and I'm always holding on for dear life. All of my July wasn't bad clearly, but I must admit it was the worst month so far this year. And with August coming up I just hope time goes super fast so I can make it though the hottest month of the year and be that much closer to Fall season.
I've been on the computer for too long and starting to feel nausea so I'm going to end it here. Take care!
Warning LOTS of cussing and abnormal heated anger in this post, but of course there is a good message to be said...
I'm not sure where this world post is going to go as far as the message, but I felt the intense need to type this.
I don't care who or what you are, NEVER EVER let ANYONE treat you LESS THAN WHAT YOU DESERVE. Seriously, no joking around, as serious as a heart attack.
Because when you do and start to accept it emotionally, you are giving so much of your personal rights, power and control to someone else that simply doesn't have your best in mind. I don't care how "loving", "caring" or whatever the fuck sugar coated nonsense you want to put on your situation. If someone, especially a close loved one is treating you unfairly, IT IS NOT RIGHT AND WILL NEVER BE RIGHT. And it is up to YOU to break that cycle no matter how hard it is. Because when push comes to shove, this is YOUR life. This isn't your mother's, father's, friend's, lover's, or anyone else's life but yours, and if you don't take some damn control of it, you will always be at the mercy of someone else. I don't care how much you think or are in control, subconsciously, you are running off of a mindset that someone else has programmed for you, to think and act in a certain way.
This past week or two, no not even that, the last 2 days (from the time I'm writing this 6/27/2012) has been the most life changing I've been though in a long time. It was also one of intense emotions, mostly rage, not anger, full blown rage.
This came from my wimp ass dad that has no desire to protect his children or wife in times of danger or threat. I'll get straight to the point. On Monday when our screwed up neighbor was acting up again (we are not on good terms if you remember me mentioning that a summer or two ago) we were preparing to call the cops on her. No sooner did my dad notice, he got up and started to get dress. When my older sister asked "what are you doing?" he said "laundry", a bull faced excuse to not be around when the shit gets tough.
I've been through this 1000 times and I learned not to jump in and rip his head off when he is dead wrong. But this time was especially hard, I lost my cool when my sister said "Daddy do you have to leave, we're scared" and he replied with, and I'm quoting this "I have A LOT of laundry to do"... I told him "This isn't the time to run away!" as he walks off like normal. My mother and sister had to tell me to "let it go" and I did. And when my dad walked out that door without looking at us or even saying a "good-bye". That was it, that was the straw that broke the camel's back, seriously.
When my dad came back and everyone was playing along like nothing happened, which we normally did, I didn't look or talk to him. When he asked me if I "wanted some milk" I flat out ignored him.
My dad can be loving, caring and compassionate but that will never take away from the totally screwed up personality he has, and the shit he dealt me and my family for as long as I was alive.
Fast forward to a day later, I'm trying to figure out how can I accept my dad for "who he is" without accepting "his bullshit". I didn't want to confront him and it would end up as a screaming match (which it did anyway). I didn't want drama, I just wasn't going to play charades with him anymore. And I felt like if I accept this anymore, my life will never be what I want it to be, at all. My dad always been unreliable, a dark cloud in the house, border line bi-polar, ignorant, wimpy, a total punk ass and an idiot. I lost respect for him WAY back in the day and that shit never came back.
So I when finally gathered my thoughts and found a way to love my father but not accept his ways I guess, I knew that I could talk to him. It would of got heated but I knew what I needed to do and I wouldn't take it to heart. I was clearing out the shit out of my life once and for all, and that felt good.
I swear to you no sooner did I took the last sip of my water before approaching my dad I heard my mom crying. I went to see what was wrong, I didn't know if my dad did or didn't do anything. My mom was crying so much that she couldn't tell me what was wrong and I didn't want to jump on my dad for no good reason (besides my own reason). The one thing that really pissed me off was that his wife was crying and all he could do was sit in the indoor porch and smoke a cigarette.
So I decide to ask my dad "what's wrong with mommy?", reminding you all that since Monday afternoon I wasn't talking to him and he did the same shit with me. He went on to say "I don't know, your mom needs help" totally not being helpful, smug, ignorant and a total ass hole. I was deciding whether if I should "freak out" or just "not freak out". He was going on and on and I decided...
FUCK THIS SHIT, I HAD ENOUGH... OF EVERYTHING
I slammed the front door and all hell broke loose. I cussed him out from here to the moon and even yelled out the front door for all to hear how much of a punk my dad is and can't even protect his family, and damn did it feel good.
Hours pass of intense arguments between me and my dad and just my parents themselves. Mostly, me trying to keep them from killing each other (or my mom from killing my dad anyway). A lot happened that night, a lot of emotions, and a lot of realizations, but I tell you one thing. I never planned on any of this happening. I wanted to speak calmly with my dad about how I felt and move on. But on a drop of a dime my mom woke up and started crying RIGHT when I was going to talk to my dad. That and my sister was gone for the day and that was a HUGE game changer on how this went. I would of never gotten what I needed to be done if she was here, she would of totally blocked that from happening.
Not doubt this was meant to happen.
As far as "now" my dad left after I called the cops yesterday and haven't came back. And FINALLY I think my family is on board to let my dad go for good, I wanted this moment for 2-3 years mind you. THAT LONG for my family to catch up to what I already knew before my dad even moved in, which I was totally against but was out ruled.
A lot of changes is happening and this was the "opening act" of it all, and I couldn't be happier to see or had the honor of to start it. I know things might get tough, but I know I will be so much better right after. I know everything will be okay and that everything good and bad is for my benefit. I'm not the same person as I was a year ago or even a few months ago. I don't pity myself as much and I see the bigger picture in just about everything I do. Of course I'm still human and still have human flaws but I've been refined by life and all it's mishaps. And the fact I've gotten stronger made yesterday such a success in quite a crappy day. I made my plan, I know what was wrong, and now I have and enforce the power to change my life from here on out even more. And I just want to let everyone know that they can do the same thing.
Never let anyone take control over your life and treat you like shit, no matter who they are. Even if it is your own parents, you have to be willing to do some heavy changes and remove them from your life so you can start LIVING your life. Being abused, mistreated or tortured is no way for anyone to live and you can never sugar coat it with "love". There will never be enough love to make it right, no matter how much you want it to be right.
So if you find yourself in a shit situation, please stand up for yourself. Stop accepting other's shitty ways for your own. And most of all, realize that you deserve to have a happy life, full of real loving friends and family. If you don't have those things now, they won't come knocking, you have to get up and demand something better, which means ruffling a lot of people's feathers. Life isn't always easy and you know what it's not suppose to till you GET IT. Once you GET IT that you can make YOUR life better, it can become easy because you now have the power to change it, which will be a challenge too, but you know what? You'll know what to do, how to do it and won't take no for an answer. Life will mold you into a fighter, not one of violence, but for peace and love for everything you stand for. And that should be okay for those that want a better life...
But I'm going to stop because I've gotten WAY too passionate and I'm sure I got my message out 10 times over. But please remember...
Every single one of us deserves real love, real happiness, to live our dreams and to be the best us we can be. Don't let someone take that opportunity away from you, in fact, don't let YOURSELF give that opportunity to someone else. It's not their business to live your life and purpose, it's yours...
Over and out...
Yours Truly
