Kittan and the Snazzy Leather Jacket

There might or might not be Gurren Lagann spoilers in this one. Just in case, tread softly and carry a big stick.

Now there was in the Surface World of Moe a man by the name of Simon. He, along with Nia, his Moe-est and favorite ladyfriend, led the Great Gurren Brigade.

There was among members of the Great Gurren Brigade, a man named Kittan. He was favored by Simon and looked upon as GAR. However, his life of privilege caused his fellow brigade members to become jealous and spiteful. Lo, they would do very rude things, such as stealing the last dinner roll and muttering about how he was a "replacement manly man character" while he could hear them.

On the day of the anniversary of his birth, Simon threw a freaking awesome party. You totally should have been there. There was cake, pizza, women, booze...


Anyway, Simon presented Kittan with a really snazzy leather jacket. "Thou hast proven thyself to be indeed GAR," he declared, "this snazzy leather jacket shalt forevermore symbolize thy incredible manliness. Oh, and all you other guys can have a lollipop or something if you want."

And lo, the other members of the Gurren Brigade became angry and jealous. "What shall we do with Kittan?" they would say, "why is he favored in the eyes of our leader?"

"What we must do is cast him from our ranks," declared Rossiu, kicking puppies and stealing quarters from little old ladies as he approached, "We shall beat him unconscious and sell him."

The others saw no problem with this plan, as was prone to happen when Rossiu plotted his failures against the way of Moe. And lo, on the following day, the other brigade members took Kittan out into the fields, beat the crap out of him and sold him to a group of passing Beastmen. They then took his snazzy jacket, ripped it to shreds and smeared mole-pig blood all over it. They returned to Simon and handed him the jacket. "We are sorry, Leader Simon," Gimmy said to him, "the great Kittan was sold to beastmen as a sla- I mean," continued Gimmy, as Rossiu threatened him with appearances in Legend of the Overfiend, which Gurren Lagann is apparently very similar to, "He was eaten by a bear-shark."

"Works for me," replied Simon, mourning over the loss of another very GAR character.

Now by this time, the beastmen were well on their way to the Capital of Crossovers, where slaves were sold and series were crossed. Kittan was bought by a man named Orochimaru and brought to the Village of Sound to work as a "strapping young lad." One day, Kittan was showing all the assorted underage male slave children of the village how to pretend to remove your thumb.

"That's a pretty neat trick," declared Orochimaru, "Wanna work in the lab as a non-experiment?"

"Works for me," declared Kittan. And it came to pass that Kittan became relatively happy and lived peacefully working for the creepy snake guy who luckily no longer showed any interest in him.

One day, however, one of Orochimaru's servants became enamored with Kittan. "I want you," Karin would say to him. "Be mine!"

"Ew, no," replied Kittan.

And it came to pass that Karin's creepy obsession grew along with her jealousy. One night, while she was once again rooting through Sasuke's underwear drawer, Karen planted one of Kittan's shirts in Sasuke's room. Have I mentioned how incredibly un-Moe Karin is in every aspect? Because she really is.

"Lord Orochimaru! Look what I found in Sasuke's room!" declared Creepy McUgly, "Methinks Kittan has been watching him sleep!"

While Orochimaru wondered very much what that would have to do with one of Kittan's shirts, the idea of anyone but him watching Sasuke sleep was enough to block from his mind the possibility of it being planted there or mixed up in the wash. "Kittan! Thou hast committed treason! What hath become of the servant of mine with magical thumbs? GTFO!"

And verily Kittan did GTFO. He left the compound of creepy and fail. And it was Moe.

While traveling the Land of Crossovers, he chanced upon two travelers who also walked in the Way of Moe. They were called Masaru and Takuya, and they spoke of dreams.

"In a dream I had," declared Masaru, "I led a small monster to become stronger and fight for his friends."

"You shall star in a Digimon series," declared Kittan, "You will become an acceptable addition to the franchise and generally well-received, though not up to the level of Tamers or Adventure."

"Thou beist very insightful," said Takuya, "In my dream, I defended small monsters by becoming a monster myself and fighting for my friends."

Kittan became sullen at these words. "Listen well, he said, "You will also star in a Digimon series. However, yours will break the set boundaries of those that came before it and become a black sheep, despite having a decent enough plot and a stellar ending."

"What shall I do?" questioned the horrified Takuya.

"Kill Bokomon and Neemon first chance you get," replied Kittan instantly.

Soon after, Kittan left the Land of Crossovers and arrived at the City of Moe. While staying at a Hotel of Moe, he was visited by a girl in a maid uniform. "Sir Kittan," she said, "Thou hast been summoned to the Capital Building of Moe to meet with the Mayor of Moe."

And so it was that Kittan arrived at the Capital Building of Moe and met with BanchouLeomon, the Lion King (Ohh, that was a bad joke.)

"Kittan, I am told by mu servant, Masaru, that you can interpret dreams," declared the Mayor of Moe.

"Of course I can interpret dreams," replied Kittan, "Who the hell do you think I am?"

"If thou can interpret dreams, thou must prove thine ability," said BanchouLeomon, "In my dream, there were seven grains of wheat. They sprouted and were prosperous. Suddenly, a spiky-haired man popped up and crushed the grains of wheat in his hand, yelling something about a 'power level.'"

"Your dream means this," began Kittan, "for the next seven years, your kingdom will prosper. There will be bunny suits and food and rootbeer and all will be content. Then, the Saiyans will arrive on Earth. They will wreak havoc and destroy all that is Moe in an attempt to sell the planet to some hooligan with purple dots all over his body."

"What must we do?" questioned BanchouLeomon.

"We must gather the Dragon Balls and wish for a huge mecha to fall out of the sky so we can fight them off," declared Kittan, "Oh, and we should probably store some food or something, too."

And so it came to pass that BanchouLeomon declared Kittan his second in Command, above all in the City of Moe except him.

"Why are you still leader?" asked Kittan.

"Because," replied BanchouLeomon, "I have this snazzy leather jacket."

Kittan once again cursed the Rossiu under his breath.

And lo, for the next seven years, the Dragon Balls were gradually gathered together.

"What is your wish?" queried Shenron, emerging from the balls.


A shot rang out. Oolong was dead.

"I wish for a mecha," responded Kittan, "Preferably one that is yellow and really pointy. And I think I'll name it 'King Kittan.'"

"Here, take it!" said Shenron as the mecha appeared, "just shut up!"

And the Saiyans came, and they were warded off by the Power of Manliness. And it was Moe.

And in those days, it came to pass that Nia decided to cook an all-you-can-eat buffet for the Great Gurren Brigade. They quickly borrowed the Great Gurren and headed out to the City of Moe to get some edible food.

"And why should I help you all?" asked Kittan, whom they did not recognize, "Who the hell do you think I am?"

"Well, we have all this money and it's nice and all, but you see our leader's ladyfriend is a terrible cook and We'd like to have something a bit more edible than a bunch of bills and coins."

"Are there any other members of your Brigade?" questioned Kittan, his eyes boring into Rossiu's soul without love or feeling.

"Yes, there is one, sir," replied Rossiu nervously, "his name is Viral."

"Bring him to me."

And so, the Great Gurren Brigade brought Viral to the Capital Building of Moe.

"And now we make... PARTY!" exclaimed Kittan, handing out free cheeseburgers and rootbeer to everyone. These were placed in individual paper bags and loaded into Great Gurren one by one.

"Stop, thieves!" yelled Kittan, "One of ye hath stolen my favorite drill!" Kittan slashed open Viral's burger bag and lo, there was the drill.

"Who the hell do you think I am?" demanded Kittan, "For this, you shall rot in a prison cell!"

"Stop!" declared Rossiu, "Please do not imprison Viral, for he is very important to Simon, being the GARest member we have at the moment. Besides, Simon has a mean right hook. And I've been getting kinda mouthy lately..."

"Rossiu, it is I, Kittan," declared Kittan, revealing himself, "Go fetch Simon and Nia and you shall all come live with me in the Capital Building of Moe."

And so it came to pass that the Great Gurren Brigade settled down in the City of Moe. Shiggy Lemons told Rossiu to GTFO and get treated for his Fail, but he soon returned fail-free.

And it was Moe.