I have a dream. It's the only dream that I remember recurring. I've had it for a very long time, but I've rarely told anyone about it. I dream that I died. I dream that I am dead, and no one comes to my funeral. It is my body, in an ornate box and a priest going through a service, but no one else is there. No friends, no family, no one. It is the manifestation of my deepest, darkest fear. The fear that in life and in death I am forgettable, utterly and totally. It may stem from a lonely childhood where I didn't fit in, it may be completely irrational. I had that dream twice this week. I wake up frightened, but mostly I wake up sad.
I have a new fear. It coincides with this one though. I am very afraid that the most important person to me that I have ever encountered is not just forgetting me, but doing it very easily. It frightens me, it makes me sad, but it really just hurts. Everyday he doesn't call or text or come home, I fade from him a little more. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, or forgetful. I stole that from Robin Hood (the disney version).
I went to the zoo today, and it was awesome. I went with a few friends, and one of them brought his daughters. They were so well behaved. I was so impressed. I almost felt a little biological clocking, but not a lot.... They were super sweet kids though, and they held my hand as we walked around. They would just sneak up behind me and slip their hand into mine. It kind of warmed my heart. Some random kid kind of hugged on my leg before looking up and seeing I wasn't his mom. I got a nice chuckle out of that. Come to think of it... There's a playground in the zoo right near the gorilla enclosure. As I was watching my friend's children play, a different random child just walked up to me and said, "I'm trying to find my mom." It kind of freaked me out. I just asked who her mom was and she pointed at her and said, "That one." Weird kid. What is it with kids thinking I'm trustworthy?
