I am home again today. I just couldn't get out of bed this morning. I'm pretty much a masochist, I've decided. I read the letters that he sent me when I lived in the dorms, and openly sobbed. I was in hysterics. I fell on the floor, and wept and sobbed. Why would I even do that to myself? I guess I had to see that it had been real. The whole thing started because I found the card that had accompanied my flowers for our first wedding anniversary. It said, "Thank you for being my wife. I love you." I'm weak and I'm alone and I don't know what to do. I want to make copies of all the letters and leave them on his doorstep, but he would just say that they prove his point and that he is not that person anymore.
I just don't want to let it go. There's no feeling anywhere like loving and being loved back. I want to get that back, and I want it with him. I stopped crying yesterday, and I almost believed for a minute that I could accept this, but I'm not sure I can. Everyone says I will. I can't see that far ahead, and I don't want to think of a day where it will be okay with me that I was abandoned without explanation by the man that I love, and have loved for a very long time. In every story there is someone who is left behind, I guess. When there's only 2 people in the story, your odds aren't so great.
I feel like vomiting all the time, whether I eat or not. I want to tell someone everything that is going on with me, but who to tell? I want to share it with my husband,he's the one I want to share everything with. But he's the cause and he's not here. He also doesn't want to hear about it. He won't answer my phone calls, not that I'm calling to talk about that or even chat. I call him to say, "I need dog food," or things utilitarian like that. He lets it go to voicemail and responds with a text. We can have grand conversations via text, but he's even drawing away from those. I think he thinks it's harder for me if he keeps a connection at this time. I was really angry about Tuesday, after all. Sunday he tells me our marriage is finished, and Monday he sends me a text asking me to take him to the garage to pick up his motorcycle. I'm not sure what that was, I think he was actually trying to keep his word to me that he would not be out of my life completely. I also think that he didn't have anyone else to call. I really don't think it was meant to be callous, but it hurt me. I was also mean and angry and didn't speak to him the entire drive. I may hae been the callous one then. I think it may have been slightly warranted, but I think it may have hurt him, and that was not intentional. I was just lashing out.
