I've been listening to Ani DiFranco almost nonstop for days now, and I can barely identify the reason to that. She's great, yes. However, I'm sure there's a deeper reason. If you don't know who I'm talking about, find out as soon as possible.
I am spending a lot of time out of the house, just hangin' with other folks. Everyone wants to take care of me, and its good to know I have such great friends. I am so grateful, and while I'm not happy about my current circumstances, I am glad it makes me appreciate those close to me.
I talked to Matt today for a good while. He talked to Jordan on Monday night and called to see how I was doing. I was dying for the chance to talk to him, but I was hesitant to be the one to call because I don't want to make things awkward for him and make it seem like I want him to pick sides. I would hate to think that I would put people in that position. He's my friend though, and I trust his opinion and insight over many others, so it was nice to have a chance to chat with him. The uncomfortable part was that he called as Jordan was over to mow the lawn and I was talking to Matt in the bedroom and Jordan was sitting out on the couch. It just seemed strange and I felt a little restrained as to what I could say.
I worked 12-2:30 at Blockbuster today. It was supposed to be 12-5, but I didn't feel like working, and I flaked out. I got a pedicure instead. Anyway, I ws supposed to be out of my house from 12-5, and Jordan knows this. He has a key and can let himself in and stuff... At 5:30ish I get a phone call. He wants to know if it's okay that he come over and mow my lawn. I told him he is welcome anytime and doens't have to ask permission. Why did he wait until he knew I would be home to do it. He had most of the day to do it without seeing me. Then he stayed and watched a movie with me. Yes, it's nice to be with him, and I asked him to see me and hang out with me once in a while, but it confuses me. He sits next to me, and allows me to hold his hand and responds mildly to me affections. I like it, but I am still highly confused by it, as is he, I think. He does love me, and is finally showing signs of it. But while I have hope, who knows if it will be enough? We are both still wearing our rings, and I am glad to see that.
I tried to put pen to paper today, and not even bad poetry came forth... My feelings are so detached. I wanted to write something about the sounds of him being gone, but everything was terrible. The most noticeable thing about sounds to me is every car I hear on the street, I hold my breath and hope it stops, and it's him. Every single car, even though I know better. What is with that?
If no one has noticed, I'm tired of dancing around trying to find something else to talk about, and I'm laying a lot of my stuff right out there. I'm finally starting to believe that it's okay to be upset and not like it and after much prodding, my friends will not think me a burden to turn to them at a tie like this. In fact, they want me to lean on them. I just find it a difficult thing to do. How long is this? Kudos if you made it to the end...
