Most of it is coming from me.
Before I rant: Petie I have news of the DREAM.
I am completely out of whack lately and I am angry and sad and disappointed all the time. I smile, a lot. It takes a lot of effort and I'm fucking exhausted.
John takes his final vows on Aug 24th. He gives himself completely and permentently to his vocation. It's kind of a big deal. Jordan is not going with me to see it. I have not received a "no" yet. That won't come until the week of. Right now, when I tell him we are still in the, "I don't know," stage and he'll put off telling me no until the day I leave, or maybe the day before. Can you see I've done this dance before? I know Jordan isn't Catholic. I know John is my brother, not necessarily his, bt fuck that bullshit. Hell, I'm hardly Catholic at this point, and it's important to my brother, it's important to my family and it's important to me. It's not like I'm trying to take this guy I just met to my sister's wedding and leave him in the front row by himself while I'm a bridesmaid... He has an established tie to these people and I want him to go. But he won't because nothing but his bike and his misery are important to him. Fuck him.
I told you, there's a lot of anger out there, and most of it is coming from me.
I'm angry at politics, I'm angry at business, I'm angry at econimcs, and many other things. I really, at this point, can barely wait until humanity destroys itself and takes me with it. I have been meaning for days to put a thoughtful post about my disillusionment with government and how they (as a whole, both and neither party in particular) enabled the entire sudden downturn in our economy and how we are suffering at the hands of our own leaders. And with that, I think I'm done cause it'll be a post of just magnitude no one will read it and I'll regret it forever. I'm tired of people keeping busy by LOOKING like they're doing things when, in actuality, they are doing their best to not do a goddamn thing because the status quo fucking suits them fine. Fuck them too.
I'm angry at my dog for being dunb and following my around like a baby duck and knocking all the shit on my table and shelves over. That's really just something random and I don't know how it made it into this post.
I'm angry at myself, mostly. I'm angry because I'm weak and unmotivated and I'm at a point in my life where a lot of shit frightens me. I'm leaving a lot to interpretation, and to overactive imagination, but I'm lost and I'm floundering around hopelessly trying to find my footing and the only sure thing I have is that I'm angry. Fuck me.
This is my blog (I hate that word) and it's the closest thing I have to a diary, but I'm careful and reckless of what I put here. I want to just vent and yell and scream and cry and just let all these awful feelings out, but then I'm whiney and a burden (not to mention emo). I want to keep them to myself, then I'm sullen and no one wants to be around me. I want to write about it and get the opinions of those that matter to me, but then my dirty laundry is out for all to see. I've never been able to effectively lean on my friends... Not until it's probably too late. Fuck me again...
My favorite children's book is The Velveteen Rabbit. I don't know why that important right now, but it is. it is not a metaphore for my feeling or anything pertaining to me at all... I just really like it and think it's a beautiful story, in a sad way.
