Excellent. I really liked that twist of the CWCs. However, you made a lot of tense switches which were confusing. You should decide if you are speaking in present or past tense. I was thinking about it (I don't know if you decided to make this like a manga script or like a novel) but if you wanted to give your story a little more substance, you could work your setting (like "Setsuko's room") into your text.
I have no talent when it comes to making comics. It's like my hand and imagination clams up at the site of a 9-boxed page. Dx If I spend some time doodling with a few of the scenarios, I might be able to improve my background artwork. I cannot take on the job as I am now. But I can help you along your way as a cane would an old man. :]
Le Kun,
I love your insights and expect more now :). Im looking to do a collaboration on this with an artist to make this into a short manga and submit it to DelRey or Tokyo pop. Im awful at editing and proofreading.If you want the job you can have it!
Hey this is pretty neat. Aside from grammar issues which were pointed out in the first comment, this is gold. You must continue. :] I would love to see this in graphic novel form someday. The introduction was very comedic and so was it toward the end. I like, I like.. ^^d
Although, when I read this part I thought I should make a suggest to give a better picture in the reader's mind. Your description is fine. Just as pretty as a flower. But with this added, it may be like a flower in a vase with others to accentuate it's beauty. Here..
You wrote: "As the cash register clanged open with a satisfied thud Setsuko closed her eyes and breathed in..deeply, clutching the last CD to her chest like a new born infant, the last one."
My suggestion: "As the cash register clanged open with a satisfied thud, Setsuko closed her eyes and breathed in deeply, hugging the last CD to her chest as a mother would her newborn infant. "The last one." "
It's just a simple suggestion regarding imagery. Not pertaining to the way you write. But if you added more imagery, the pictures you paint would be more colorful--utilizing a more diverse range of colors if you know what I mean. :]
Weaver of Dreams (Otaku Angel) | Posted 02/12/09 | Reply
Ok, having read now, I think the biggest thing for format would be to make sure there are "" around everything being said please ^^ Even if they're thoughts. {and paragraphs to separate when different people talk} Other than that, your format seems fine.
I like the detail of Princess Kimi tripping on her flowing robes XD Hollywood magic makes it looks so easy to walk all decked out like that, but it's not!
red:leaf
Otaku Eternal | Posted 02/18/09 | Reply
Excellent. I really liked that twist of the CWCs. However, you made a lot of tense switches which were confusing. You should decide if you are speaking in present or past tense. I was thinking about it (I don't know if you decided to make this like a manga script or like a novel) but if you wanted to give your story a little more substance, you could work your setting (like "Setsuko's room") into your text.
The Shirt
Otaku Eternal | Posted 02/18/09 | Reply
@scribblepop:
I have no talent when it comes to making comics. It's like my hand and imagination clams up at the site of a 9-boxed page. Dx If I spend some time doodling with a few of the scenarios, I might be able to improve my background artwork. I cannot take on the job as I am now. But I can help you along your way as a cane would an old man. :]
scribblepop
Otakuite+ | Posted 02/18/09 | Reply
@The Shirt:
Le Kun,
I love your insights and expect more now :). Im looking to do a collaboration on this with an artist to make this into a short manga and submit it to DelRey or Tokyo pop. Im awful at editing and proofreading.If you want the job you can have it!
The Shirt
Otaku Eternal | Posted 02/18/09 | Reply
Hey this is pretty neat. Aside from grammar issues which were pointed out in the first comment, this is gold. You must continue. :] I would love to see this in graphic novel form someday. The introduction was very comedic and so was it toward the end. I like, I like.. ^^d
Although, when I read this part I thought I should make a suggest to give a better picture in the reader's mind. Your description is fine. Just as pretty as a flower. But with this added, it may be like a flower in a vase with others to accentuate it's beauty. Here..
You wrote: "As the cash register clanged open with a satisfied thud Setsuko closed her eyes and breathed in..deeply, clutching the last CD to her chest like a new born infant, the last one."
My suggestion: "As the cash register clanged open with a satisfied thud, Setsuko closed her eyes and breathed in deeply, hugging the last CD to her chest as a mother would her newborn infant. "The last one." "
It's just a simple suggestion regarding imagery. Not pertaining to the way you write. But if you added more imagery, the pictures you paint would be more colorful--utilizing a more diverse range of colors if you know what I mean. :]
Haxelo
Otaku Eternal | Posted 02/18/09 | Reply
this is hilarious!!! XD
red:leaf
Otaku Eternal | Posted 02/15/09 | Reply
Oh my GOD. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH I LOVE THIS RIGHT NOW!!! >.< This is fantastic. YOU MUST KEEP WORKING ON THIS!
Again, just watch your grammer and spelling. But your detail and the flow of plot is great. I really look forward to reading more.
tiggerola
Weaver of Dreams (Otaku Angel) | Posted 02/12/09 | Reply
Ok, having read now, I think the biggest thing for format would be to make sure there are "" around everything being said please ^^ Even if they're thoughts. {and paragraphs to separate when different people talk} Other than that, your format seems fine.
I like the detail of Princess Kimi tripping on her flowing robes XD Hollywood magic makes it looks so easy to walk all decked out like that, but it's not!