Go: Gerbils, Threats, Negotiations and Lies

Zoro was hungry.

Granted he had not eaten for almost thirty-six hours at this point and knew he could go for longer, but he still felt as if he had been tied to another execution post. Zoro glared at Sanji, who was casually leaning on a crate, taking a deep drag of his cigarette. The swordsman figured that for Sanji, the very concept of smoking was similar to a morsel of food, considering that he had taken to smoking more vigorously as the time in the tent crept along. Now, Sanji was taking in his current one slowly, for it was his last one from the pack. Zoro sat and leaned up against the opposite wall of the hallway in vexation, watching Sanji carefully as the precious time was wasted.

“You know,” Sanji began, just as Zoro was about to fall asleep. “I’ve been thinking.”

“Don’t hurt yourself,” Zoro snorted.

“What if we don’t see Nami-san and Vivi-chan again? What if they leave the island without us?”

“I’m the first mate. You’re the chef. We sort of have to be there. Since when are you the idiot here?”

“They could,” Sanji shrugged. He made a disappointed sound as he realized the cigarette had been burned to the filter and snuffed it out on the ground with his heel. “Nami-san was able to sail the ship from the Baratie to Cocoyashi without anyone else. What’s stopping her from leaving us with Vivi-chan and that idiot duck helping her?”

“She’s a spoiled-rotten bitch who’s too lazy to set sail herself?” Zoro offered.

“She could find the others and have them do it.”

“Since when do you care so much?”

“Since we were being chased by these, though it pains me to say it, heartless women.” Sanji sighed and wished silently he had another cigarette. “It just sort of makes me think, you know?”

“About how some women are more turned on when you kiss a guy instead of them?” Zoro added bluntly.

“Is there any reason as to why I am being graced with your glorious conception of the term ‘tact’ at the moment?” Sanji snarled. Zoro stared blankly.

“I’m hungry.”

Sanji flared his nostrils and grunted. “You sound like Luffy.”

“…who is probably someone we should be looking for right now, along with Usopp and Chopper.”

Sanji shoved his hands deep inside his pockets and growled in disdain. He hated being alone with only the marimo as company for such an extended period of time. Such things should have been illegal or something like that. Ever since the two of them were first chased off by fangirls, the chef thought that the swordsman was acting very strange. Well, more like stranger than usual, but the idea was there.

“You know, this conversation barely makes any sense,” Sanji muttered. “It’s like some sort of bad narration sequence.”

“Food. Now,” Zoro grunted, solid on his stance.

Sanji simply rubbed his temple, wishing he had another smoke.

Suddenly, a voice cut through the air, followed by others of the high-pitched and squealing nature. Sanji and Zoro both went wide-eyed and tensed up, aware of the current threat of danger.

“There they are!” shouted the Head Fangirl. Sanji and Zoro began to bolt down the hallway in an attempt to escape, but were cut off by another throng of fangirls, all giggling and with viciousness gleaming in their eyes.

Trapped. Trapped like rats… in a cage full of hyperactive gerbils.

“Well, it was nice to know you before your uke days,” Zoro gulped, backing up so that he and the cook were back-to-back. Sanji elbowed him in the side and sneered.

“Bite me,” he growled.

“Don’t say that. They might just make me do it.”

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“So, do you smell anything yet?” Nami scowled, sitting impatiently on a crate and tapping her foot. Chopper, in full reindeer form, sniffed the air and shook his head.

“No,” he sighed. “All I can smell is a really bad odor coming from everywhere and the perfume the fangirls put on me.”

“Is there any chance that the really bad odor could be Mr. Bushido?” Vivi asked as kindly as possible.

“Not in the slightest,” Chopper answered. “This is circus smell, a combination of stale popcorn, animal poo and the vinyl tent being aired out after travel.”

“Zoro sometimes smells like poo,” Nami retorted. “Are you sure it’s not him?”

“I’m sure.”

“Well then, I think I know what we should do,” Vivi said. “I think we need to go back outside and find one of the workers. If Nami goes and threatens them again, I’m sure they would turn over Usopp and Luffy. Then we can go from there and have them help us find Sanji-san and Mr. Bushido and we’ll be back to the ship before lunchtime!”

“No wonder you’re a princess, Vivi,” Nami sighed, standing up and walking towards the entrance of the tent. “You come up with some of the best plans sometimes.”

Vivi giggled triumphantly as she followed the redhead out into the sunlight.

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Luffy gulped as he stood on the small platform, holding the bar squarely in front of him. Attached to either end of the bar was two pieces of rope that went all the way up to the top of the tent. About a hundred or so meters away, on another platform, stood Darla and Usopp, both of whom ready to begin their act. The lights from below were hot on the teen’s skin, making him sweat more than he was before.

“Come on Luffy-kun!” Darla shouted from the other side. She clutched a roped bar as well, waiting patiently for Luffy to give the cue. Somehow, all the practice in an empty tent just seemed to disappear as Luffy stood frozen stiff.

“Luffy! If you don’t move right now, it’s a Certain-Death Boshi for you!” Usopp threatened. The straw-hatted teen gulped and allowed himself to fall down from the platform. He held on tightly to the wooden rod until he could feel the momentum move him forward no more, let go and began to tumble in mid-air. He suddenly felt Darla’s hands grab his and they swung back towards Usopp and then out again to the middle. There, they had to let go and Luffy ended up catching the free wooden bar with the insides of his knees.

“What an act these kids are!” Pram chortled from his place down below on the ground. None of the patrons heard him though, for most were staring with wide, excited eyes at the fledgling acrobats. “What natural talent! This is truly an event, folks!” A smile slipped across his face as he thought privately.

Oh, this is a show alright, he chuckled inwardly. I saw the end of their act and those two boys are supposed to end up standing on the larger platform together. Henk and I were right to rig it earlier to fall under their weight, which is much more than what it would be if it was one of those idiots and my lovely granddaughter. That idiot Mugiwara messes with one member of my family, he messes with us all!

Just then, Pram gasped, staring wide-eyed at the performance that was taking place. There was a deviation from the plan! Darla was gently dropped by the long-nosed freak on the larger platform and then proceeded to make his way over to the smaller platform. After he was safely on the wooden board, it was the Mugiwara, the Straw Hat, who began to head over towards the larger platform with Darla waiting patiently for him.

No! The plan! It’s not going to work!

Luffy slammed his feet down onto the platform besides Darla and grinned. The young woman took his hand and raised it in victory. Usopp did his own dance of accomplishment. Below, the crowd roared with delight.

“There they are… our wonderful acrobats…” Pram said softly, unsure about what to do now. He gaped at Luffy and Darla, attempting to formulate a new, quick way to off Luffy and Usopp before the day was done.

That was about when the crowd screamed.

The wooden platform that Luffy had slammed his feet on had been shaken too violently by the impact and gave way to the weight of the two performers. Pram was unable to move, the shock of the event immobilizing him unwillingly. Darla clutched onto Luffy as they fell, caterwauling in the most terrified manner she could muster. Luffy just held the girl in his arms tightly and rolled in the air so that he would be the one to hit the ground first.

Luffy did hit the ground first… and he bounced.

The crowd, who had just been screaming, fell silent as Luffy and Darla bounced up and down, the boy in red seemingly unphased by a fall from about three or four stories in the air. Once he stopped bouncing, Luffy laid on the ground spread-eagle and laughed heartily.

“That was fun!” he boomed. After a second, the crowd in the stands erupted in laughter as well, exclamations about the suspenseful show being so effective.

“Luffy-kun! You saved me!” Darla exclaimed, sitting up on the dirt floor. Luffy sat up too and looked at her sweetly.

“Of course. I really like you Darla! Why wouldn’t I?”

“Oh, Luffy!” Darla laughed, sighing a huge breath of relief. She rested her forehead against his in a fit of giggles.

“Luffy!? Darla!? Are you two okay?!” Usopp panicked as he slid down a free piece of rope to the ground. He trotted over to Luffy and Darla and rolled his eyes when he saw that things were indeed alright. The clowns were out now, distracting the patrons from the scene that was being created. Usopp helped his captain stand and the three stood there, unsure about what to do. Luffy kept his arm around Darla’s shoulders, keeping her close.

“Get your hands off of her!” snarled Pram as he stomped over towards the three teenagers. He yanked Darla away from Luffy and with his other hand, grabbed the pirate captain by the top of his costume threateningly. “Stay away from her, you hear!? It’s a shame my idiot son couldn’t kill you when he had the chance!”

“What are you talking about?” Luffy asked, rather confused. “I don’t know who your son is!”

“Of course you do! Don’t play dumb with me, boy!” Pram hissed. “You mess with one man from this circus and you mess with them all!”

“I don’t get it...” Luffy admitted bluntly. Pram began to march off towards the exit, dragging Luffy along with him. Darla and Usopp followed close behind, watching closely as Pram disappeared with Luffy into one of the staff entrances.

“You snot-nosed little brat!” Pram hissed. He pinned Luffy against the wall and smiled daggers. “How could you forget my son so quickly, hm, Mugiwara?”

It took Luffy a little while to think. He looked at Pram and studied the way his face twitched when he was scowling, the red nose, the blue hair streaked liberally with grey. Something was tugging at his memory.

Oh! Now he understood.

“That Bug-guy? Really?” Luffy asked. “He was weird. You’re really his dad?” The teen shrugged casually.

“You shit!” Pram roared, decking Luffy across the face and letting him fall to the ground.

“Luffy-kun!” Darla exclaimed. She began to run over, but Pram raised his right hand, halting her in mid-stride.

“I’ll deal with you later,” he growled. “Just let me take care of this right now.”

“Take care of what?” a stern voice demanded, slicing through the air. Everyone glanced towards the entrance to the hall and saw Nami, Vivi, Chopper and a set of identical male twins that were in their early twenties.

“Sai-kun! Kai-kun!” Darla gasped. “I thought Elsa-san said you were sick!”

“Sick of being locked up in that chest,” one of the men muttered. “Pram-san, you were a fool to have left Henk-san to guard us. He’s not a very good fight.”

“What do you two think you are doing!?” Nami screeched, stomping forward to where Usopp was standing. She grabbed hold of his ear and dragged him over to where Luffy was and snatched his ear lobe as well. “We have been looking all over for you two!”

“Are… are you his girlfriend?” Darla asked Nami nervously. The redhead scowled.

“I’m his navigator.”

“Oh, okay,” Darla said. She looked at Luffy and said silently “call me”.

Luffy nodded and mouthed “okay” in reply.

“Hey, you were in the report too!” Pram said, glancing up and down at Nami. “You’re the bitch that fooled my boy!” Nami glanced over at Pram and after two seconds, scoffed.

“Your boy’s an idiot,” she said bluntly. Pram thought about retorting, but when he saw the look of murder in Nami’s eyes, he decided against it. All he could do was watch as Nami dragged Usopp and Luffy out of the tent, throwing a continuous stream of insults at both of them. Vivi followed close behind, content with the fact that they were one step closer to their goal.

“Don’t tell Dad about my boyfriend, alright?” Darla said blandly as she too watched the pirates leave.

“Sure,” Pram answered, not even hearing the request. He was still amazed at how some random woman made him so scared.

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“I’m cold,” Sanji shivered. The chef ran his hands over his upper arms in an attempt to warm them, but it was of no use. He was still shaking as the cool air from only who-knows-where gently rolled over him as he sat in only his heart-print boxer shorts.

“You’re a wimp,” Zoro scowled. He was also sitting in his black boxer shorts, his back against Sanji’s. He was used to working out in such conditions, so he was rather undaunted by the torture the fangirls were trying to attempting to inflict.

“Oh, shut up, aho-marimo,” Sanji cursed. “If I had a smoke, I’d stub it out on you’re back ‘cause you’re so stupid you wouldn’t feel a thing.”

“You two sure are resilient,” the Head Fangirl scowled. All around them, other lesser fangirls stood giggling and squealing, waiting for the moment where Sanji and Zoro would become so cold, they would hug. The Head Fangirl walked up to Zoro and stared him right in the eyes. “You look familiar.”

“Back at Fortuna Isle,” the swordsman spat. “If I recall correctly, in ‘the first threesome in a long time’.”

“Oh…” the Head Fangirl smiled, assessing the situation with newfound glee. “Then do you remember our terms last time we encountered one another?”

“Yeah,” Zoro answered.

“Terms? What ‘terms’?” Sanji hissed.

“Just relax,” Zoro muttered back.

“Same terms,” the Head Fangirl said. Zoro grunted.

“That’s it?”

“That’s it.”

“What’s going on here?” Sanji snapped, turning his head so that he could catch a glimpse of the Head Fangirl smirking maliciously.

“I just negotiated our release,” Zoro said grimly. He paused and sighed.

“What negotiation?” Sanji asked. He turned full about so that he was looking at Zoro’s back. The swordsman slowly turned around and shuddered, as if about to commit the ultimate sin.

“It’s just such a goddamn good thing you already look like a chick,” he said.

“What!?” Sanji gasped, completely horrified. He was not even able to react when Zoro threw him to the ground.

“Hey, just let’s do this quickly and then they’ll let us go,” the green-haired man whispered in Sanji’s ear. The blond blanched as his shoulders were pinned down. “I swear, neither of us will ever speak of it again.”

“Are you insane!?” Sanji snarled. “I’m not doing this with you! No way!”

“There’s no way out. We’re trapped. They want fan-service and are not going to let us go free until we give it to them.”

“Some great swordsman you are, marimo-brains! Can’t you stand up to a bunch of women!?”

“Neither can you.”

“There’s still no way!”

“Just shut up while I get us out of here,” Zoro mumbled. Shivering in disgust at himself, he bit Sanji’s ear suggestively, sending of a round of fangirl squealing.

“Get off of me!” Sanji demanded, attempting to shove off Zoro. “This is sick!”

“I know it is!” Zoro retorted. “Do you really think I even want to touch you!?”

“Baka-marimo!”

“Shit-bastard!”

Soon, Sanji and Zoro were wrestling on the ground, attempting to show the other that their way was the right one. The fangirls squealed and squeaked, very pleased by the display. This went of for a few minutes, that is, until a certain redhead came to the rescue.

“Zoro! Sanji-kun!” she snapped over the noise, halting all activity. The fangirls all glared at Nami viciously while the two men remained frozen, entwined in a position they would rather not been in, particularly while in front of Nami.

“Why are you here?” the Head Fangirl sneered at the navigator. “These are ours. Go away.”

“Hey Sanji! Hey Zoro!” grinned Luffy as he fought his way through the fangirl crowd, still dressed in his acrobat’s outfit. He looked at his first mate and chef curiously. “What’cha doin’?”

“Never you mind!” Sanji growled, shoving a petrified Zoro off of him. He glided over towards Nami and gave her a look of pleading. “Are you here to rescue us, Nami-swan?”

“You never came back to the ship last night,” Nami said, her voice low and dripping acid.

“I assure you that if it were not for…”

“PORK CHOPS!” Nami screamed, making Sanji jump. He stared at Nami with fright, unsure about what that meant.

“Let’s go, minna!” Luffy said happily. He grabbed Zoro by the hand and began dragging him away, making a few of the fangirls coo in delight.

“I am never letting any of you out of my sight when we’re in port, again!” Nami announced as she led the guys over to where Usopp, Chopper and Vivi were standing. The sniper, princess and reindeer gave the cook, captain and swordsman all sideward glances.They all agreed silently as they headed off to spend the remainder of the three weeks cooped up in the ship.

They were never, ever, ever talking about this again.

Ever.

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OWARI

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…

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I LIED

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A few days later, somewhere else on the Grand Line, Buggy grunted dissatisfactorily as he was repeatedly pecked in the face. Opening an irritated eye, he saw that there was a mail bird sitting on the railing next to where he lay on a beach chair, Alvida cuddled up to his side. He had been having a perfectly erotic fantasy he wanted to put into action later that night, but just when he had gotten to the part with the bondage, the bird interrupted, putting the pirate into a right irked mood.

“Goddamn bird,” he hissed, snatching the piece of paper attached to the bird’s ankle. Not wanting to wait around for a response, the bird zoomed away before Ritchie could catch wind of him and try to pounce the poor thing for his dinner.

“What is it Buggy?” Alvida groaned, shifting in her spot. She held onto Buggy’s arm to keep from sliding off the chair as she sat up and watched the man as he opened the letter.

“It’s something from my dad,” Buggy said, a disgusted look on his face. “He must have some sort of tale to tell me about home. Maybe another elephant sat on my cousin Sai.”

“That’s right, you grew up in a circus, didn’t you?” Alvida said, placing a finger on Buggy’s nose. “That nose is to remind you of home, right?”

“...and only you are allowed to say it Alvida, my dear,” Buggy smirked. His humorous expression was wiped from his face, however, once he started to read the letter.

“WHAT!?!?!?!”

“Buggy-sama!”called out his first and second mate as the two men ran up to the deck. Cabaji and Mohji just stared as Buggy as the man stomped around on the deck, a piece of paper clutched in his hand and his face as bright as his nose.

“No! No! No! No! No! This can’t be!” the pirate captain snarled. “Curse you Mugiwara! How dare you do that to her!?”

“Straw Hat? You mean Luffy!?” Alvida gasped. “What did he do!?”

“He was on my home island last week!”

“Is this a bad thing? Now we have an idea as to where he is,” Mohji mentioned.

“No, that’s a horrible thing!” Buggy wailed. “How dare he!? My Darla-chan!”

“Darla-chan!?” Mohji and Cabaji gasped. Alvida looked at the three men blandly, expecting a translation. The men in question not only failed to deliver, but all just ended up sitting on the floor moping only to have Ritchie come over and start batting the mates with his large paw.

“Who’s Darla?” Alvida eventually asked.

“Buggy-sama’s daughter,” Cabaji explained. “She was like a niece to Cabaji and me. Now Straw Hat’s done something to her, hasn’t he Buggy-sama?”

“He stole my baby-girl’s heart!” Buggy cried lugubriously. “She wants to date him!” Alvida walked over to him and gave the captain a good nudge in the side.

“You have a kid?”

“Yeah...” Buggy looked up to see that Alvida seemed very cross.

“You never told me.”

“I was going to...”

“When?”

“Eventually...?” he winced.

“That’s it. You’re sleeping with the crew for the next week,” Alvida hissed, storming off for the room that she formerly shared with Buggy until that moment. Buggy thus became a emotional puddle on the deck, cursing Luffy with every chance he got.

“Alvida-san does not seem like parenting material, does she Cabaji?”

“No Mohji, she does not. Rather, she looks kind of pissed.”

“Pissed. Yeah.”

Richie grumbled in agreement.