Well, here I am. People who know me love me whether they like it or not. It's a burden since I dislike most people. You can find My actual Life HERE. I have many fandoms, and many likes but I have yet to find passion in a past time. You are welcome as long as you behave.
I figure as long as STAN can live here, I can too. Here's round two.
I feel awful tonight. I have had a headache going on 4 days now and I have a terrible metallic taste in my mouth. I'm probably dying because I'm not dramatic enough.
It's been raining for two weeks and we're all floating away here on the Great Plains.
My roomie found a place of her own and now it is very quiet in my house. I haven't decided what to fill the empty room with. It might just sit empty for a while.
I miss this place. I come back often and look at things and hate Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr and any multitude of things for stealing myself and everyone away.
I still like my job for the most part. I have been there six months. When someone asked when I started, I answered, "November 11," in a very bad English accent without even thinking (hashtag Darker Than Black).
My dogs are good, I suppose. I have had puppy fever for a while now, but then I remember you have to teach them EVERYTHING and get over it. But..... PUPPIES!
Randomly thinking about Jordan a lot the last few months. Like it bothers me how much. How much I hate him and how much I don't. How broken I am and that's not even his fault lol. How stupidly happy he probably is with Miriam. How much I hate the name Miriam... A lot of thoughts, and dreams. He hasn't left me alone for a while when I sleep. It makes me wonder if bad things are happening to him as that usually happens when I dream about people.
I used to love this boy name Michael. Completely unrequited, but we were buddies. This man has literally walked away from things that should have killed him more often than a person can count on a clumsy shop teacher's hand. I always had a dream about him the night before. Even into adulthood when I hadn't seen him in over a decade. I dreamed about him but didn't call him. I heard later that he's had a work accident around that time that was rough but he's good as new.
My kid will be ten in July and I am almost bursting into tears for no reason writing that.
My life is a chess board and I'm the only one using the white squares. I'm missing everything.
I go full on sociopath and forget that other people have feeling and how they work. I guess today I not only walked all over several peoples' feelings, I jumped up and down on them. I can't tell if I'm actually sorry or I think I should be sorry or I'm just telling myself people expect me to say I'm sorry.
My dogs are snuggly and their feelings are easier. I'll stick with them.
Been a minute. I wish I could say I've been up to all kinds of interesting things but alas, I am not that big of a liar.
I got a new job in November 2014. My previous job at the day labor place had become unbearable. I was working in a 3 person office where the two people who aren't me hated each other. They might have hated me, too. I don't know. There was a lot of hate there. It was toxic. Due to this circumstance, I found new employment. I really like my new job. I am paid better, appreciated more and primarily left alone to get my shit done. I'm so good with all of this.
I'm worried about my Demian Dog. He has some sizable growths on his chest. I may be paid better at the new job, but I'm still pretty goddamn poor and have shitty credit so I can't just get a credit card to rack up vet bills on. He doesn't make any indication that they hurt, but he's been getting progressively affection hungry the last few weeks. I have been in constant fear of this dog's death for about four years now. I am projecting things on to him, I hope.
In other news, I've been loitering alone in chat most nights just in case someone stumbles in there is a friendly person there and they aren't rebuffed at the loneliness. Stop in and see me, I'm cool. I'm of course doing other things and not just staring at my screen with no one to chat with. But at least it isn't empty is someone wanders in.
It's 1 AM and I'm laying in my bed watching Cowboy Bebop DVDs. Tired but not sleepy, my mind is running and running, but it's going so fast that I'm not even sure what's whizzing by.
A few weeks ago, my friend posted a link to her facebook. She lives in Oklahoma and works for urbangirl.com. The link was for an inventory control manager. No listing of pay, but I didn't really give is a serious look because I am stuck buying an unsellable house. It's unsellable because I can't afford to fix the things that are making it fall apart around me. Anyway, she posted it on June 20th. On that day, my sister had commented that I should look at it. Well, today my friend also commented, asking if I would seriously be interested. Ever since she posted that comment, I can't help but be interested. I hate my boss. I tolerate my co-workers. I play on facebook all day because I have nothing to do. I have a handful of friends, all of whom have recently moved into the parenting stage of their lives.
Jordan and I got divorced almost 4 years ago, and I never really moved forward. I bought me house and stayed there. Maybe moving to a new city with a decent job would be a good thing.
I am in a really weird mood tonight. I feel buoyant and yet on the cusp of a depressive precipice, which I feel like I spelled wrong. I just have a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach, and it's been there for days.
Life is strange, and so am I.
For some reason, that song often randomly pops in my head.
Disconcerting thoughts wander through my head. Idle hands have nothing on idle minds.