Well, here I am. People who know me love me whether they like it or not. It's a burden since I dislike most people. You can find My actual Life HERE. I have many fandoms, and many likes but I have yet to find passion in a pasttime. You are welcome as long as you behave.
I figure as long as STAN can live here, I can too. Here's round two.
Happy Thanksgiving! I'm exhausted and sitting here at my parent's computer desk because I can't get on their wireless. I've tearing my hair out. I reset their router. I reset their security, and improved it, since they had no idea that they had set it up as... and my computer is being an asshole. whatever.
My sister and her family are here all weekend. I am signed up for OT Friday night/saturday morning. I'm so tired of being poor. I am also tired of not using the words I want because I am a terrible speller. I brought my dogs, and they are tied up in the unfenced backyard. I felt awful about it... They barked and cried all day and night, and when anyone was out to see them, they got so excited, they would just and scratch. They were hurting the kids just from the sheer excitement of human interaction. My spoiled kids...
I feels so much later than 11:30. I do not do Black Friday. I should head home, but I want to come back in the morning to hang out, so what's the point? Save the gas. I just hate that my dogs are outside all night, and I didn't pack for an over night. Not even my toothbrush...
My phone is dead because I didn't bring my charger.
my life seems to have legs a wobbly as a new born colt, and I can't make some kind of plans or movement that doesn't seem to completely collapse moments later.
My brother put my house up for sale today.
On a happier note, it's sunny and in the 50s today or something...
I don't actually have a post, I just wanted to say that.
the song "you could be happy" by snow patrol played on my pandora station a while ago. it annoys me how songs are so relatable. stupid empathy.
LYRICS
YOU COULD BE HAPPY
You could be happy
And I won't know
But you weren't happy
The day I watched you go
And all the things
That I wished I had not said
Are played on loops
Till it's madness in my head
Is it too late to remind you
How we were
But not our last days of silence
Screaming, blur
Most of what I remember
Makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking
Out the door
You could be happy
I hope you are
You made me happier
Than I'd been by far
Somehow everything
I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment
It's all not true
Do the things
That you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back
Don't think, just do
More than anything
I want to see you go
Take a glorious bite
Out of the whole world
the part of the song that kills me is the sixth verse where is talks about smells like you. it's perfect, but the last 3 verses just twist my personal knife. i need to stop it. he left a year ago, and i limped along for a year. sure, it was hard and i had troubles, but as i asked before, WHY AM I SUDDENLY A BASKETCASE ABOUT IT? christ, what the fuck. i wonder why something in my psyche snapped and demanded that i must either try again or at least get answers to all the questions i have never had answered. what switch flipped and why did i go crazier, and why is it getting to the level of obsession all of the sudden. i am actually not at all happy about the ridiculous and suddenly brutal confrontation to jordan. true, i'm feeling better since i did it, but i'm not comfortable with the level of compulsion i am feeling. it's almost like it's out of my hands. which one of you is controlling my subliminally? come on, you can tell me. if its you, please subliminally tell me to calm the fuck down. thanks!
I'm an evil, heinous, horrible person. I accept this about myself. I feel the need to not be crazy anymore, so I sent jordan a novel of text messages. I'm gonna post them here. I finally let the truth take hold and just went balls to the wall, holding nothing back about my theories as to why he left and how horribly he has treated me. I think he stopped reading them after the first one. It was really mean, but I don't care.
ME--
It sucks that you can run all over the city and be fun, but for the last 4 years we were together, you wouldn't leave the house. I don't understand you.
Jordan--
Don't try and make me feel guilty about having friends.
Me--
I don't care that you have friends, I'm trying to make the point that you're hurtful and neglectful. I wanted to share those friends with you, remember? Maybe not these specific ones, but you never invite me, and rather than introduce to me to people or have fun with me along you completely shut down and became a hermit, and I wonder if its due p the fact that you were ashamed of me, or thought that I wasn't the right kind of person for your friends or just not cool enough for them. It seems You became a shut in because you wanted nothing to do with my life, and didn't want me involved in yours.
Jordan--
No response
Me--
That one of the reasons what has happened hurts so much for me. You are the same person! You are the one I love. And somehow, without knowing it, I stifle and kill you inside to the point that you can't be with me. But instead of telling me, you lived in misery for years, evidentally, until I became miserable too from not being able to stop you from being miserable. Then you leave, no explanation, still to this day, no attempt at reconciliation, no you're an anvil around my neck and you make me want to die. Just I'm sorry. I'll see you later, and then you leave me behind like an old coffeetable in the old house while you move to the new. You made me love you, and that is the most heinous, hateful thing that has ever been done to me. You probably stopped reading the messages after the mean one, and that's okay. I'm not yesterday's newspaper, I'm your wife. The person you invited to share your life and then you shut me out of it.
Jordan--
NO RESPONSE
Me--
I'm not sure why this is so important to me at this moment in my life. But I'm getting worse, and I can do nothing at this point but be honest. You're callous.
Jordan--
NO RESPONSE
He's probably too busy being out with said friends to read what turned into a barrage of info. I typed until it stopped me, sent and then typed some more. It probably was delivered as like 15 texts. At this point, I don't care if I'm seen as crazy, I guess. I've had enough
EDIT--- I straight up requested a response a few hours later. The response I got was my rant is justified but that doesn't mean he has to like it. He didn't ignore them like I feared and he doesn't know what to say. Awesome. The government can neither confirm or deny the existence of American spies in the world. FUCK
