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I've decided. I don't want you to forget about me. Also, I never want to forget about you. Sure, life has it's ups and downs, but it's too short to be dwelling on the shortcomings. I want to be able to look up to the sun and smile. I want to be able to look at you with loving and care-free eyes, and do my best to run to you. I want to take your hand and then just explore the rest of the world, not feeling rushed about anything, just having a good time. If we have to face the bad, then we'll do it holding on to each other. I want to laugh instead of freaking out about everything, take pictures of all our crazy moments. Goodbyes are only temporary and memories are everlasting. I want you to hang on and be here with me. I love seeing your face light up at all my random outbursts, even though some of them seem embarrassing. I know these are childish wishes, but these simple things are what causes happiness. Spending time together, seeing life blossom, watching love grow, and what's more, to be a part of that, is wonderful.

Even though we can't always have those moments, I still want to be strong, for everyone. I fell, I'll admit that, but I'm getting up to continue.
Lately, my heart has been having some issues, yes. My head as well, and they clash with each other. I guess that means I haven't exactly been together. According to Soul Eater , a sound soul dwells within a sound mind and a sound body. I'm trying my best to achieve whatever "soundness" that is, but even though I haven't gotten it quite yet, I know I will. I have to. It's true, I don't exactly stay calm all the time, but at least I have that inner peace.

You just wait, I'll get you one day.

This isn't all...

So, maybe distance is better. I'm so stupid for wanting to stick around, and now I have to teach myself how to let go.

I was thinking about it earlier today. I had the opportunity to think in a place that made things easy to relive memories: The school cafeteria. As I've said before, admiration from afar really only does receive consolation, and I'm afraid it's too late now. Yes, we are lines that get closer and closer, only to never be together...and now, the part that I dread will happen. We'll start to drift apart. Why didn't I see it sooner? You want to stay away. This of course, makes me sad. I know in the previous post, that I said that I wasn't going to give up, but I mean, what's the point in going on if the person absolutely hates you? I guess today, the realist side of me is dominating. I guess it'd be better for the other to forget anyway, that way they wouldn't remember.
That reminds me of Fruits Basket. "The truth is, I didn't want Mama to forget about me, I wanted her to hold on...but I guess that's pretty selfish of me. I don't want to forget anything, not even the bad memories, because maybe one day, I'll be able to look back at those memories, and not feel any pain. No matter how hard it is, I want to keep going." (Momiji)
I really loved that episode, it always makes me cry. Nevermind, I don't want you to forget me, but if you have to, then so be it. I guess my usual romantic is coming back, thank goodness!

Hope really is everything. I think I want to watch Fruits Basket now. Getting the dvd box set was probably the best souvenir that my older brother ever got us from an Anime convention! Well, that and my Kingdom Hearts t-shirt ^_^

It truly is an anime for the rejected. It's so sweet, and it gives a very true and different perspective on things...unfortunately, I've only read the last four books from the manga series...which means I have no idea what happens in the middle, only how the anime works.

I guess the reason why my realist that sounded depressed side kicked in was because I was texting someone who seemed really annoyed with me...oh well, if ever you stumble upon this little post dear someone, I'm sorry if I did something to upset you in any way. I hope you don't hate me too much, and I hope we're still friends. ^.^

My life is a romantic comedy.

So...watching School Rumble is pretty entertaining. It's a great assurance of why I should keep going, in love, and in all future endeavors of life. Honestly, it's a hopelessly pathetic romantic comedy, so naturally I could relate. Haha :)
The character whom I relate to the most, believe it or not, is Tenma. The funny thing is, she really likes this boy, who seems to be very odd. Well...yeah pretty much, but he's still really cool. He's quiet, and keeps to himself. He has trouble expressing his emotions and pointed out that he's not even sure how to feel at times or how to show on the outside how he feels on the inside. He also plays guitar. He's such a sweet character ^_^ ...and kinda reminds me of someone...oh goodness, another similarity. I do have to admit though, the voice of the character (for English dub) has the same voice as Yuki Sohma, from Fruits Basket, so that makes me happy. I love his voice. ^///^ My little sister was telling me that it's a love square. Harima likes Tenma, Tenma likes Kurasuma, Kurasuma likes turtles, and turtles like Harima. I guess you'll have to watch it in order to understand, but it's amazing...I never made that connection and she's just 10 and was able to figure that out...this leads to another similarity. Harima is head-over-heels for Tenma, and no matter how much he tries to tell her, the words just don't come, so he does all that he can to impress her and what not, but she's too clueless to notice a thing. On the other hand, if there's something going on between any of her friends and some other guy, she can pick up on that...somewhat. This is me. Even Lizanya points out who clueless I am and wants to hit me in the head it gets so bad. There was this one time we were waiting in the lunch line, and this guy was apparently flirting with me, and obviously I didn't realize that, and just said "thank you," smiled, and ended to conversation politely. She looked at me as if I were crazy, and well, oops. Actually, thinking back on it now, that happened quite a few times...ehh..I can just picture it now...Lizanya's going to beat me up the next time she sees me, and then she's going to come over and watch School Rumble.
Tenma's attempts at trying to get Kurasuma to notice her sometimes go unnoticed, but other times, it works. It's really sweet and cute, and watching this I guess stimulates the irrationalness part of me. I think it's episode three. Class 2-C is having art, and they we're doing portraits of each other. They had to pair up and then draw the other person. Tenma gets paired up with Kurasuma, and the whole process is so funny I love it! :D Rrrgh, I feel like I'm spinning in circles LoL it really is good at reminding me of my life.

To confess. It really is hard to say. Phrases like "I love you" or "Will you go out with me?" are so much harder to say when there's a legitimate feeling to back them up. Dealing with the embarrassment and awkwardness of it all is enough, but then you also have that fear of rejection, and all the possible cause-and-effects after that. I don't know what I'm doing, and I really feel like I'm just going in circles...honestly, I think that's the reason why I got lost in a circular building...I truly am a hopelessly pathetic romantic.

"Hello dog, you look like Toto."

Today, I saw a dog.
It was right in front of a house, tied to a leash.
This was the same kind of dog that Toto, from the Wizard of Oz, was.
As I was walking by, I told that to the dog, as it just watched me go on. I told it "You are just like me, tied to a leash. Well, bye dog."

Today, I had piano lessons.
My dad said that today was going to be my last piano lesson. Can you imagine that? My last lesson, possibly ever. He said that it's a waste, since I no longer have a recital to look forward to. He said that it's pointless and a waste of time.
I don't understand. It's all ready not fair. I don't get to do what I want in college, and now you have to take this away from me? I learn things. I'm still learning music. I thought we had arranged for me to keep going until before I leave for Madrid. Why do you continue to take away music from me? It's not a waste. It's not. You never supported me like I wanted you to, you didn't even show up to my first and last spring choir recital. You're always reluctant to attend anything of the arts, even if I'm a part of it.
Tears taste salty. It's already hot, so having them run down my face just makes me wish I were away at the beach, or at least, anywhere but here.
What kills me is that I can see your point of view, and it makes sense...but can't I be irrational for once?
If I go out of state, then it's Pre-PT. If I stay in-state, it's Speech Therapy. I was talking to someone awhile ago, and they asked me where I was going. I told them my options, and when I mentioned the out of state one, they asked "Huh. Why there?" Honestly, that was a question that really threw me off guard. "Indeed, why there?" I thought to myself. I answered her by saying it's a really good college and my parents wanted me to go there, then shifted the topic a bit. But it's true. What if the only reason why I decided to apply there was because my parents pushed it so much. Where was the college I wanted to go again? Oh, right-Ithaca...but there's several factors that make that a "not-gonna-happen-dream." I have a friend, and she said the thought of the one out of state just sounds so home-like. Well, when I was up there, I did not feel at home at all. I was intimidated, and I felt lost...it was quite similar to when I went missing at the Colosseum. Before I visited that university, I had visited two other colleges before hand, and I liked being in one of those previous ones a lot more than being on that campus that I'm thinking about going to.

Either way, I fear making music and creating art will have to surrender to my classes in the fall. I was looking at a hypothetical schedule, and I'm going to be suffering a lot.

Well, I'm done venting for now. My emotions have died down a bit, thank goodness. Well at least, they've been buried again. You know how there's that law about conservation of energy? Energy can neither be created nor destroyed. That's how I feel about my emotions. I can't destroy them, no matter how much I might want to. I can't create them either, unfortunately. I can try to, but then that's called 'acting.' Instead, I do all that I can to remain 'calm' and bury everything inside, only to let it all out when I find myself alone thinking about my life, or getting lost in memories. I guess that's not the best way to deal with things, but that's my way of functioning. I'll even let you in on a secret. You know how people say that they want someone to "catch them when they fall?" Well, to be honest, the thought of falling is scary, but the thought of someone trying to catch you is pretty scary in itself as well. What if they only felt an obligation to catch you, just because you were falling, or what if they didn't mean to catch you, it just happened. I guess I haven't mastered how to deal with that kind of awkwardness quite yet. Huh.

I'll be back.

I'm better now. :)
I was able to tell someone who I really cared about how much they were going to be missed. Us talking after graduation made me feel a lot better.

"I really am going to miss you...but I will come back to haunt you." :)

I wanted to put that last part in there, because I want all the people to know that this isn't 'goodbye', it really is 'until I see you again.' I will be back. If I haunt you, that's even better. If you wish to make a reference to Wuthering Heights, Heathcliff tells Catherine to haunt him. So, even when I'm dead, I'll still be with you. That goes for all the people I've told the haunting to...which really only amounts to two people. Huh.

When I woke up this morning, it took me a moment to realize that yesterday was real, and I actually graduated. I honestly don't know how to react, but it happened. I am going to miss so many people, and some, I don't know how I'm going to survive without seeing them everyday. I guess this means every phone call with Lizanya will have to be three hours long instead of the usual hour-hour and a half. The good thing is that technology has made the world smaller, communication wise, so this is good. From senior to freshman, all over again. The cycle continues. Different unit, but same subject: life.
Senior class of 2011, congratulations!!!
This truly is only the beginning.