- Created By stars go bye
"Thinking of you made me cry."
Current theme song: All songs that are depressing upbeat trance songs. That's how I feel right now. I honestly thought that talking to you would make me feel a whole lot better. It didn't work. I was so excited all day to finally have a conversation with you and then it didn't turn out as well as I'd wanted it to be. But then again, what more could I expect? I'm already tired of college life. Yes, I did say that. Actually, I think I'm beginning to have terrible people skills and have just reached a decline in my life. I don't know.
I think it's finally settling in...that feeling of loneliness. The weird thing is, instead of trying to correct it by being around people, I just want to be alone for the most part now. Sure, I love hanging out with my friends, but they don't know me that well and I still feel like I don't fit it because, I'm not even sure really. I found some lyrics that describes how I feel, well, sort of an idea. It's my current theme song in life, but I'm still trying to hang on. I'm not going to give up, because once I give up, that's when I truly become nothing.
I wake from my sleep and face the day,
But I have the hope to reach you someday,
I cannot go on take other steps,
'cause my way's not easy to go.
No, even I do really wanna see you,
I need to take my time,
Spend some days alone, being by myself, will be all I do.
If, doesn't exist an everlasting love, in which I could believe,
I got hurt because, I was very awkward
Know it but I don't want no losing, no!
Thinking of you made me cry, so my eyes
They were filled with tears, and all I've got,
Is my will to be with you again.
Thinking of you made me cry, so many times
The only thing left in this song was you,
And I have my will to be with you someday...
I felt like I was so independent, then I kept the words, and I want you to know,
You are the one who made me smile when it summed up, too, for a face.
I wost more time, then, go to take the chance to say these things to you,
When the day will come, I'll be strong enough
My quest for peace allowed,
No chance to sound.
Thinking of you made me cry, so my eyes
They were filled with tears, and all I've got,
Is my will to be with you again.
Thinking of you made me cry, so many times
The only thing left in this song was you,
And I have my will to be with you someday...
Thinking of you made me cry, so my eyes
They were filled with tears, and all I've got,
Is my will to be with you again.
Thinking of you made me cry, so many times
The only thing left in this song was you,
And I have my will to be with you someday...
Thinking of you made me cry, so my eyes
They were filled with tears, and all I've got,
Is my will to be with you again.
Thinking of you made me cry, so many times
The only thing left in this song was you,
And I have my will to be with you someday...
So my eyes,
They were filled with tears, and all I've got,
Is my will to be with you someday...
Thinking of you made me cry,
The only thing left in this song was you,
And I have my will to be with you someday..
It's such a great scenery!
"No, nothing's wrong. I'm just really tired, that's all."
"No, don't worry, I'll be okay."
"Seriously, everything is fine."
"Yeah...I'm just worn out...nothing that sleep can't fix."
"It's okay. Yep, everything's fine. Really."
I guess I've gotten weaker at disguising myself. I'm so glad everyone is concerned about me though. "It's okay. Don't worry about it." Whenever I feel like this, I really just want to be alone. My tears of sadness and sorrow have disappeared. I cry when I'm happy now. I laugh when I'm sad. Negative feelings are no longer present. At least, that's how I feel most of the time. When I'm alone, I get to be myself. I can sit there and laugh at everything until I begin to sob. I never thought I could convince myself so well. I can feel myself deteriorating from my music. I don't play the piano as much as I'd like to, and I can feel it slowly eating away at me. My fingers keep transitioning between extremely tired and complete restlessness. I feel as though I just cut off one of my vital parts of expression. "Wow, you're difficult to read." I'm starting to understand why my voice teacher in the beginning of class told me that. If I have no creativity, what else is there for me? I'm a plant that's been disconnected from it's roots. I can feel myself and the gap that's coming in between. I need to find time for my music, before I lose it. Lack of sleep has been catching up with me too. All that brain impairment just throws me off. In addition to this, all my friends think I'm a narcoleptic. I'm really not though, just sleep deprived...unless there's a sleeping disorder that switches from insomnia to narcolepsy, then I must have that.
It's okay though. Life has been feeling a lot better on this side of the spectrum however. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore, I'm just trying to figure out my thoughts. I'm not even sure if what I'm saying is making much sense. Today was lovely. One of my classes got cancelled, I got compliments from the editor of the newspaper concerning my photos, and I ate lunch in record time. It went so well until I went to chem lab. Honestly, there is this guy there...there's just something about him that drives me crazy...the thing that freaks me out is that it's the same craziness that I would feel against certain people that are enough to make me restless and yet I enjoy having them around...to an extent. Actually, he kept reminding me of someone, and I started to feel dizzy, so I ended up leaving the class before I even answered all of the questions because I had to get out of there. In addition to this, on of my guy acquaintances smelled just like one of my best guy friends from back home, and I was about to do what I always did to him whenever he put that cologne on. Luckily, I realized what was happening and I was able to stop myself. It makes me really miss him...I honestly didn't think that I would miss him so much. In psychology class, your sense of smell is the sense that's the strongest in bringing back memories...it's true. Stupid cologne. Well, I just need to lay down or something. I don't know. I just need to think. So much has happened, I need to take it all in. I am doing okay though, I just need to figure a few things out, as a future psychologist, as a future physical therapist, and a musician, as a student, and as a person.
"Above all else: Guard your heart."
Who knew that it would be so hard to do that? No, I don't like anyone, don't worry. It must be just female hormones getting haywire. After being in Madrid, and also being here, I will say that it gives me hope though. It makes me feel better knowing that there are still legit gentlemen. And no, I'm not referring to the guys who go to the "Gentlemen's Club." Those aren't gentlemen at all. I'm talking about the ones who open doors for ladies, the ones who walk you back to your dorm, especially when it's already night time and even though they live in a different direction from you. The kind of guy who is enthusiastic about his faith and strong in his beliefs. Someone who has a sense of morality and who sees you as a person and not some object of lust. It makes me so happy that guys like that still exist. I've been reading a book, "How to find your Soulmate without losing your Soul" and it's amazing. The first chapter even gives you a list and explains in-depth the top ten guys to avoid. As I was reading that list, I kept thinking "Oh crap! I know guys and even girls who fit that description!! In addition to this, I know guys and girls who have or are dating someone like that." Also, another thought that would come to mind would be "Oh goodness....I've actually 'fallen' for guys like that before." and it makes me really happy that I didn't date in high school. If I did, (this is my opinion only) then I most likely would've been used, and end up being even more heartbroken and injured compared to what you've read in previous posts. It makes me happy having this book, and I feel that everyone could benefit from reading it.
There was a part of the book that sincerely caught my attention. It said "If you're not dating with your eyes on forever, you're just dating to break up. In other words, it's divorce practice." That made me realize, I don't want temporary. I want forever. With that thought, I think it helps me to guard my heart better, because with the more people I encounter, the more I come to realize some of the qualities that I would like to have my future spouse to have...that is, if I'm even being called to marriage.
Okay, so maybe I've already met a few "potentials" but I mean, thinking about it now, I could actually have "potentials" way back home. It makes me laugh though, because I feel so weird thinking about stuff like that because I always say that "I'm too young." It's as if my mindset still partially thinks that boys have cooties or something hehehe I already have friends who are married, but I mean, it's not like I'm going to jump into marriage either. I'm just going to be in love with God and let Him take care of the rest. :)
"Ain't no party like a Catholic Party, cuz a Catholic Party don't stop!"
So.....went to my first college party last night. HA! It was so much fun! Catholics know how to party hehehe It was a Black Light party so we were all glowing and all that good stuff. Unfortunately I wasn't one of those people who surfed the crowd, but I definitely got sprayed a few times with glowing liquid to make everything glow (My poor Tsubasacon shirt). Just got up a while ago, and am in desperate need of a shower...but they're cleaning the bathrooms in my wing right now.
Anyways, it's also great to know that there are still good Catholic gentlemen out there! We danced with this group of guys pretty much the whole time and when we went to get drinks from the caterers they made sure that all of us had our drinks before they even got theirs. Also, when the party was over they walked us all to our residence hall. It makes me so happy that there are still guys like that that exist in the world :D Also, it was good and clean and legit. There were security guards who were legit and kept their duty. They even checked to make sure that it was water that my friends and I were drinking whenever we went outside with our drinks to get some air. In addition to this (and this makes me so happy) was that there was no "grinding". Yes, that's exactly what I said. It made me so happy that I was surrounded by people who refused to conform to that trashy dancing that they do in public high schools. Dancing is meant to be dancing, not trying to have sex on the dance floor. For all of you who do, personally, no one needs to see that. I apologize for being brutally honest.
But I loved it! Everyone still holds strong to their morality. You didn't see any "sluts" or drinking or anything else that I'm pretty sure that you would find a lot of at any other college party.
Well, afterward, I'm pretty sure you can predict that my roommate and I pretty much collapsed on our rug as soon as we came in our room. I woke up late and I'm still tired. I'm going to attempt to take a shower now, because hopefully they've all finished cleaning the bathrooms...and indeed it's true...the more fun the party is, the bigger the hangover. LoL
It's all before your heart.
God is awesome! I love how I can visit the best person in all of eternity anytime I want, and always end up feeling refreshed, renewed, and so happy. Today, I breathed. I was able to look up and see the light shining through the leaves of the trees. Today was just beautiful. Someone had just mowed the grass, so the air had that "fresh cut grass" scent. It's been cloudy and stormy for quite some time. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love that kind of weather. But, to see it clear up a little bit, was beautiful as well. I feel as though my senses have been heightened, and I'm opening them up to take in everything around me.
The residence hall that I'm staying at has a theme. It's about freeing our captive hearts, and the image that you see right when you reach our floor, is this heart, surrounded in chains. The chains represent all the turmoil that our hearts have been through, what the world has thrown at us. But, the Lord comes and sets us free, if we let Him.
All my life I've been told to always guard my heart, and I'm really glad that I can continue to live that out here. All the support that I receive here is amazing. The atmosphere is so peaceful. I can actually take in the air here and not have to worry about suffocation. There's these song lyrics that I fell upon, and apparently I have a new band to add to my collection. :)
These words just came out and grabbed me, and it's relevant as well. I'm sorry I'm such a jumble, but that's how I work in this case.
"Call it what you want
call it just a game
call it insane
all of these voices."
Everything is beautiful, and I don't ever want to take it for granted.
