HEEEEEEEEEEY THEEEEEEERRRREEEEEE
So... Stuff has been really eventful since I told my mum about me stabbin meself. AND FOR ONCE I'M IN A GOOD MOOD I GUESS. I think it's coz I've been remixing stuff and for once I AM SATISFIED WITH THE RESULTS!!!
So, yesterday I had to go to my GP again. He's nice and all that stuff. And, erm... I admitted to him that I've found a new way to self-harm.
SORRY not really. I just felt like trying it. I've started choking myself so now I wear this jacket thing that covers my neck.
BUTT. I MEAN BUT.
I am getting help. People are like 'oh we are so worried about you' and all that crap.
Not meaning this to you guys, coz you guys aren't the psychologists and psychiatrists and GPs and people on the phone and wellbeing team members from my school, but this is my message to the people in the list above (AGAIN NOT DIRECTED AT YOU)
I. DON'T. WANT. HELP. I HAVE TOLE YOU PEOPLE SO MANY TIMES THAT I DON'T WANT HELP!!! PLEASE STOP IT!!
But of course no one I know reads this stuff, and no matter how many times I tell people in real life who are trying to help me, THEY DON'T LISTEN. Even my mum knows that I've been telling people that I don't want help, but she still forces me to see GPs and all that crap.
*sigh*
Oh well.
Anyways, I was on the phone to this guy named John and he's from this place called Orygin. Or Origin. Or Orygen. Something along those lines. And he has decided that I need a psychiatrist, or at least something like that. And possibly some anti-depressants. I'll be honest with you, I think I need them. But I DON'T WANT HELP. I keep telling people this, getting near tears and everything but no one listens. It makes me want to cry for once in my worthless life.
Anyways, I told John the following things (ALL true, btw)
- I get less than 3 hours sleep each night.
- I keep hallucinating and hearing things.
- Suicide was just a thought, but that doesn't mean I won't do it.
- I barely eat anything
- I've been getting skinnier
- I barely socialize
- I hate school
- I don't have any motivation anymore, even to do stuff I enjoy doing
- I don't hang out with anyone anymore
- I'm secluding myself more
- I want the scissors again.
- I miss my scars
- I have no idea what is making me feel like this.
NOW DON'T YOU FRICKING DARE SAY 'you're feeling like this because of hormones' AND ALL THAT CRAP BECAUSE I DON'T SEE ANYONE ELSE IN MY WHOLE ENTIRE FUCKING SCHOOL LAUGHING LIKE A FUCKING RETARD AT NOTHING. AND I DON'T SEE SCARS. AND I DON'T SEE THEM SNAPPING THEIR HEADS AROUND TO MAKE SURE THEY AREN'T SEEING THINGS AND FINDING OUT THAT THEY ARE SEEING THINGS. AND I DON'T SEE THAT STARING AWAY FROM THE SCHOOL AND CONSIDERING GOING TO THE BRIDGE NEARBY JUST TO END IT ALL. And don't you even DARE say that people hide it. I KNOW PEOPLE HIDE IT. BUT...
Oh... Sorry.
I'm fucking rambling again.
And now my good mood has gone to bad.
I'm fucking sorry.
Also sorry for my fucking language. The reason why I swear alot on here is because at home I'm not allowed to swear and out in public I'm too scared to even say anything for fear that they'll use it against me.
ALSO ALSO.
Lately, I've been taking the time to notice that lately around my home, in oublic, even when I try to talk to the teachers or anything.
I'm being ignored.
DAILY CONVERSATION WITH SISTER:
'Hey, Sis. How was your day?' -me
"It was tiring" -sister
'Oh. Sorry about that'
"How was your day, sister?" (Doesn't use really name)
'Depressing'
"Oh. What happened?"
'This happened and that happened'
"Oh. Well <-Enter friends name that she thinks I care about even though I tolde her a thousand fucking times that I barely even know-> has depression"
'I know. You told me-'
"And she also did this and that once"
'You also told-'
"I gotta go" (Leaves room and goes to play her iPad, most likely Terraria)
DAILY CONVERSATION WITH MUM
'Hey, mum. Can I read this in quiet please?' (asks, holding book out in the middle of the car ride home'
"Sure thing, Nikki (I might as well tell you my name eventually, so there you go). (also may as well tell you my bros name) Josh, please be quiet.
(Josh be's quiet)
(Silence for about 2 minutes)
"Oh, did I tell you about this and that? It was so some other word to do with this and that!!"
'... yeah. About a thousand times'
(I start doing the mming and ahaing)
"-Says a question-"
'oh'
"Nikki?"
'... Yes, mum?"
"Did you hear me?"
'No'
"I said do you get bullied?"
'Mum. I have told you a thousand times THAT I AM NOT BEING BULLIED'
"OK. Sorry"
(later)
(On phone to John)
"She says she isn't being bullied, but I'm not so sure"

I JUST WANT MY FUCKING VOICE TO BE HEARD FOR ONCE. IT'S GETTING ANNOYING!
Sorry about my rage ^^not really.