Well, welcome to another action packed journal post about your favorite raspberry colored fox.
This one is a biggie. I never thought I could do this but I knew that it was the right thing to do.
I quit my job… Completely.
It’s weird because it like… well. I can’t explain it but I knew this was the right thing to do. I knew I should have quit about a month ago but I didn’t want to because of the income and getting craft things. I thought that if I did quit I would throw myself into something bad. But at the same time it felt right to quit, when I started to feel stressed and like I had NO TIME TO MYSELF WHAT SO EVER I should of token action then. I know how I feel and these feelings weren’t “work feelings” as my sister and mother referred them too. No, these were my creative expression, my more non-ego self screaming at me to do better and leave before things got worst.
At one time I really did want to get hired full time and study Roth IRA’s and crap like that to enhance my experience and to do my best. I had drive behide what I was doing, and I felt like there was something at the end of the road for me there, I really did. But shortly after when our team leaders changed and I start learning more and more functions things just start being a hassle. Things got more stressful and just difficult. We all know I want to make charms and sell them to the internet, so whenever I can I would buy crafts and practice on them. Not only that but the work schedule is crazy and hard to get used too.
Week 1: Monday to Thursday- and I would have Friday to Sunday off.
Then into week 2: Monday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday I would have work and have Tuesday, Wednesday, and Sunday off.
Then I would go back to week 1 and repeat. Not only that but I worked 10 hour days except Saturday (we got out early on the weekend).
Work stared at 7:30AM and ended 6:30PM. I would leave at 6:00PM since I had to take the last shuttle home. Going and coming to work takes two hours each and there was no way around it. So I would wake up at 4:30-5:00AM and leave the house at 5:50AM for work. Then coming home I would arrive around 8:00PM. I go to bed at 9 so that usually leaves me less then as hour of any me time when I had work.
If you have something to do you can always wait for one of the days off but you will be so tired that you would want to sleep and laze around all day.
It’s probably all confusing but long story short it was an all out bitch on the daily. Trying to get craft stuff on days off, practicing, trying to be active on the net, trying to rest up for the coming work days, trying to get things organize, maintaining enough energy to work in front of a super bright computer screen in a super bright area, learning a bunch of new functions all at once, and trying to step up my productivity and accuracy at work. WTF.
I knew I was doing too much but I never mapped it out like this. No wonder I got so stressed. No person should live life like this, we’re not robots and shouldn’t work almost nonstop for 10 hours. It’s like juggling ten things with one hand.
I was so stressed out that on the past Sunday I pretty much broke down. Me and my boyfriend was suppose to hang out with his friends and eat at the old country buffet. That Saturday we had work and after work I went clothes shopping and went to the downtown mall in Philadelphia (where I reside in that’s two hours away from the king of Prussia mall where hot topic is). So that morning I felt not tired (since I was tired that whole week) but exhausted. I have gotten really cranky that early morning but I wanted to hang out with friends still since I wasn’t going to do anything productive. When it was time to get ready I just really wanted to stay home and sleep, but lately I’ve been wanting to push myself to go that extra mile. Hard work produces good results right? WRONG. When I was getting ready, everything was just falling apart. Things got into my eye, my hair was a complete mess, then my Boyfriend seemed a bit pet peeved as well since I shooed him away when he was trying to be affectionate. I was done, just sick of everything and told him to just go without me on the steps. I was so upset and just angry that tears started to flow. I didn’t want to deal with anything and just wanted to go to bed.
So my boyfriend said that he was going home. I apologized to him and said “I didn’t mean to ruin your day; I’m just so stressed out!” I was and it was epic. I saw it coming too but I didn’t want to go in my bosses face and say that I couldn’t stay there. I just wanted that “confrontation” feeling to go away and I can just do what I was doing for about 6 months until it ended. That and the fact telling my family about it didn’t help, it sort of gave me that extra push back from quitting. I know that they have my best interests in mind but we have different mind sets and beliefs so my way of thinking might be “dangerous” in these kinds of situations. I felt like I had to quit and when something like that speaks to you, you can’t deny it. Me and my mom did talk a lot that weekend too about it, plus I haven’t seen her in two days because I’m at work. She did give me a good tip. Taking B12 makes you feel better she said. When she was around my age and was stressed out she went to the doctor and the doctor gave he a shot of B12 and she felt better later that day or whatever the short time was. My sister, you all know she has started her business so she was going me financial advice. Telling me to save till I had enough to take of myself, the house, and etc for a year. Well, I tried that for a month and look what it led me. It wasn’t working, it not going to work unless I like torturing myself.
After my bit of a melt down I went up stairs and tried to take a nap, but I was so upset that I couldn’t even give it the time of day. The next morning on Monday I looked at the clock. I totally wasn’t up for work, or even seeing my boyfriend. I felt like such an ass, that day even going under a rock for the rest of my life wouldn’t be good enough for me to feel better. I decided to take the day off, just to give myself some time to think and get some rest. I wanted out of work so bad but I just didn’t know what to do. That night I went and chatted with some of my close friends on the internet. One friend of mine was in the same situation and told me about a dream he had about running away from school group he was in. He was in the city running through street alleys but once he was in the worst and darker parts of the ally the dream ended. Then he said that “It must of meant leaving all the bad parts of his life”, his job more or less. I was kind of shocked seeing that someone was going thought the same thing as me and to hear about his dream gave me the courage to finally quit mine!
That morning I got up as usual, I called my boss and left a message to him that I was had something important to tell him. When I got to the train station I saw my boyfriend sitting on the bench. We haven’t met there for about two or so weeks and I was happy to see him. He wasn’t mad at me either and said that he didn’t know how I was feeling; he didn’t want to be a bother so he didn’t call on Monday. I felt the same way, but was too embarrassed to call him. I told him that I was going to quit Vanguard that day, this was it. He said back “So you’re really serious about this?” I told him yeah (insert speech here).
So I went to work (time seem crazy long too) and went to my boss and told him that I couldn’t work there anymore. My boss is a really cool and kind guy so I saw his concern with I said that. He asked if there was anything that he can do to help or a change of schedule. A part of me wanted to say yes but I knew that my time was up. I just wasn’t happy there anymore. After everything was said and done, I felt really shocked and anxious. It kind of felt unsecured and that made me want to run back and say “hey I think I made a mistake! How about that change of schedule!” I really kind of felt bad but being led to this wasn’t a mistake and figure that I would get over it. That feeling did go away after I went home and all the ideas of what I can do now came in. So much I want to get done and start, I just can’t wait! I can even can start selling things in due time I just need to know about the shipping and packing and I should be all set!
Among that here are some other Good news I have to share!
• I got my hands on a 60gig PS3 last night including more then two games, controllers, memory card reader, and additional cords.
The person that was selling it is actually Eddz from Manga Bullet. I went to the journal just for kicks and saw the PS3. I always wanted one and wanted to get one before I left work. I PMed him about it and it was the kind of PS3 that was backward compatible and is really hard to find! So we negotiated the price to something we both agreed and after about 45 minutes of me trying to give him the funds it all worked out! I got my hands on the very PS3 that I wanted with tons of extra for a real sweet price! It should be coming in a week or two. I can’t wait! Oh, and to sweeten the deal he gave me a year subscription to Manga Bullet! Only the first five to buy something were suppose to get a month’s sub. I love when things come together!
• I mention before that I went clothes shopping at Hot Topic. I’m currently trying to update my wardrobe to something more suitable for me. For years I really didn’t care what I wore, t-shirts and dickies is what I wore 80% of my life. Now, since I had the money and currently trying to get rid of old clothes I went out to Hot Topic to go clothes shopping for the spring. I got a lot of good pieces too for cheap (clearance section whore). I might take some pictures of them later.
• On another note I got more deco den molds and books with more coming! I’m haven’t had the time to really use them and test them out so you can expect a lot of crafts in the future.
• My TMM club has reached over 5,000 views over the week. I was so amazed! It was about 4,400 about a few days ago. Then I look here and to see it shoot up in over a day like this. Its so amazing and inspiring! With my new found free time I’m going to try to make new graphics for the world as well as new posts and maybe a contest.
• Expect a lot of new artwork as well! I have gift art to give and art trades to do. My new Copic markers are begging to be used and I can’t wait to get back out there! Maybe even a few random manga pages to practice with!
Any way, I know this was a super long post but if you read it thanks, it’s nice to know that someone reads this and hopefully learn from my mistakes and lessons.
Was there anytime that you had a dead end feeling about something? What did you do? If you quit, was it the right thing after all? And if you stayed even though things got hard, did they get better and it was all worth it? :0
Thanks again guys!
Hey guys, how’s its going?
Well, it time for that daily update and I’ve been a little busy bee!
Before I begin I want to say thanks for all the love, hugs, and comments on my last uploads! I feel so loved here, thanks a bunch!
I’ve been shopping for all the supplies and mediums that I wanted to try out and use in the pass two days. Man, did I pay for it yesterday; I wanted to go up to Michaels to grab some resin and such by bus. It took us TWO hours because of the snow and etc. It usually takes about 45-60 minutes depending on traffic. It was night time then too which I didn’t enjoy. Even though I was pretty much angry and hungry through the whole trip it was worth it. And today I got the smooth on mold maker and casting starter kit. I went up to Pearls art store to get some resin molds that I could use today, only find out that they are flat out closed! What a disappointment too, I was really banking on getting some resin molds to test out with. But its cool I’m just glad I’m able to even go out and do this. If these storms didn’t come in and I had work I wouldn’t have had time to get the things I needed.
I have so many ideas too! It seems endless; I really can’t wait to try them all out. What I really what to do is make cell phone charms and such. I have the ink jet shrink paper that I want to test out and coat with resin so it completely waterproof and durable. I love those things and I want to make all kinds of them. I really want to make some TMM ones and my characters.
Beside that I’ve been testing other things like the silicone whip cream. I decided to do another batch including a colored one. It was suppose to be pink but I put too much red oil paint and it came out darker. It was still awesome to work with, I loved it. I even refilled the regular white bag of it to do more designs and make cream sandwiches. I use crystals, small clay parts, and sparkles on them as well, I had a blast. They are all done curing and ready to come off the wax paper. I took picture of them but I’ve yet to edit and put them together. I should do that today and post that tonight. I think you guys will really get a kick out of them.
In other shopping supplies news, I got another deco book off the net and some resin clay molds (for my paper clay). Those molds are expensive too but are well worth it since I won’t have to craft each piece together which I still like to do. But for the smaller filler pieces I would like molds so the work load won’t be so huge. I also got some Japanese language books some I can really study it. It would great to be able to read the deco books one day.
Valentines Day… I love this holiday and I always did. I would always buy chocolates and gifts for my family, friends, etc. But this year I’m so out of sync this year with trying to get craft supplies. I mean, if I wasn’t so caught up with trying to start my business and out trying to get stuff I think I would be more focus on it. It’s not like my other family members gives half a crap. It’s just another holiday to them. But I love it, even if it was only made for people to spend money in stores. I just think its great and I just gotten a boyfriend this year. The one thing that really sickens me is the anti-valentines people. Those that just sulk and bitch about it. I mean it’s not about having a boy or girl friend, it’s about showing some one (anyone) how much you care about them. NOT about if you have a partner or not. Plus, it’s only once a year and it comes then it goes so stop whining. I think I wrote about this last year… Yup, I did, even about the hater people… Funny.
Hey guys!
With my days off I finally had time to submit some art! Even though I’m finally being creative like I want too, I feel completely frustrated with life. I feel like even with the few days off I have, I really don’t have time to do the things I really want to do. Hopefully this feeling will pass soon. (yeah, I know I keep saying the same nonsense over and over again)
In much better news, I did upload some pictures and some really good ones that I’m very proud of. Please take a look at them and give them some love!
Mew Whipped cream <
Macaroon Lolita <
I figured that I should just make this a full fledged journal post since it’s explains more so of the sudden rush of the moment post that I did last night. Also of the way I was feeling at the moment as well. This was the reply of the comment of the last post. I starting and yet again I just let it loose. Not as energetic as last time since I just came from work but definitely just as passionate about how I feel.
Thanks for responding!
I'm glad you found it inspirational; I hope other people did as well. It was such a spur-of-the-moment kind of thing, I just wanted to write what I was feeling for the last few days in this journal since I felt creatively and emotionally blocked. In retrospect I feel kind of embarrassed of just going out there like that. But at the same time it was nothing of mature nature, bashing, or putting out a completely personal matter. I just wanted people to feel how I felt. Excited, caged, creativity, rage, the whole nine rolled up and pushed in your mouth. Mostly the need to create and share it with the world. I haven’t really posted anything in some time, and seeing everything one drawing, commenting, and posting I feel really bounded and caged. As much as I love to be active on the nets in general besides of my days off, I have no time for any of it. And when I’m off, I’m crazy tired and just want to sleep and be lazy.
It’s a real oxy moron moment of my life really. I have most of the things that I wanted since college, a good paying job, a boyfriend, great friends, a *less* depressing household to come in. And yet one of my life passions seemly was the cost of it. I barely have time to draw/or do things when I’m not a work ha-ha. Barely have time to be crafty. The most I can do is watch what I can on the internet and when I don’t have things to do on my days off, dedicate them to exploring my new venture and pray that I won’t be at where I am for too long. I love working and really earning cash but I need a creative one. Investment is not for me, there’s no room for creatively in that field. Its just sit on a computer, learn how to do it and then do for 10 hours a day 4 days a week.
My eyes curse my name everyday for that. XD
Maybe this happened so that I can really put my foot forward even more so since I’m in the position to do so. Everything has been working in my favor even when I thought I wasn’t on track or was lead astray. I do believe everything happens for a reason. But I definitely learned as much action you can put into anything you have to be as patient so that things can be placed properly in your life. If you go too fast you might be out of sync of what needs to be done to get where you need to go. If you don’t put your self out there and not act on perfect time when that event presents it self, the ball doesn’t start rolling either. It’s all about going with the flow I guess. ^-^0
Thanks for the reply really, I appreciate it and your words!
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With that I just wanted to state some other things that have happened in my life, quite some exciting ones!
• I made my first internet purchase! It was from Esty. I’ve gotten a fake food easer set for the molds and two Japanese decoden books. It was something too; I was in training (additional training) on the computer and then a total rush of energy and excitement totally slapped me on the face. Telling me I have to buy this! I couldn’t shake the feeling of wanting to buy it. Of course I been wanted to buy stuff from esty but was too scared to do so. But that day was different, I had to buy it. So that night as soon as I got home I signed up for esty and luckily the name “the candy sanctuary” wasn’t taken. I thought that in it self was kind of freaky, I thought some one would have been taken but once again that “magical” touch has creped its way into all this. So I got an account searched for what I wanted and brought it. It’s coming from Japan so it may take a week or so. I brought it on Monday so I hope it will be there by then. I’m going to have to take pictures of it when I’m done!
• I got some latex gloves and face mask for working with silicone for the whipped cream for my crafts. I’ve tried the modeling paste but it doesn’t keep its form that much. It sinks a lot and loses a lot of the detail of “whipped cream”. But I can still use it for plenty of things like melting chocolate, cream filling, and icing. I’m glad that I brought it and found so many good uses for it. I got to take pictures of that as well.
• The cute clay tutorial is to turning into my Candy Sanctuary blog! I figured that it would far more useful for my new adventure rather then a blog full of other people tutorials primarily. I’ll still post there (when I have time mind you) but it will be on my progress of my business adventure and crafts.
• I’m trying to start my gift art extravaganza! I have tons of people that I want to draw for but the first one has to be for mewpudding. Our art trade is WAY over due and it’s just damn rude to this point to not have posted my part of it. XD So yeah your first my lady. I want to post a list of people I’m planning to draw for but I want it to be secret too ;3
• I’m trying to fine tune my chibi style and my drawings in general. I think I’ve been lacking on the realistic side of things especially in the face. It’s too hard to try to make eyes that aren’t the whole generic big eye thing. I’ve been practicing bodies a lot at work and I’ve gotten better making them less weird and stuff. So yeah I think some of my gift art will contain some nicely made chibi’s and art.
• I’m getting TONS of déjà vu’s lately. Like at least once a week. I haven’t had this many since middle school. Real freaky if you ask me. :0
TALK TO ME!
I’m so dying to getting to know my peers and future target audience for my upcoming little Shoppe, The Candy Sanctuary.
I need to know what you like, enjoy and have fun wearing. I’m trying to set everything up one at a time so I can keep an even flow of energy. I don’t want to rush and get thrown off like I did numerous times before. I’m sick of not getting to where I need to get to. I really want this to work right and I will do all I can for it. This means I really got to be in tune with my heart, passion, and just life. Learn to listen to the signs and let things fall in place right in front of me. There’s nothing more then a will planed strategy and this is it. Take your time and follow your instincts… let that guide you rather then the need of survival and having to control everything in your life. Let life work for you and not the other way around. When you let the universe (or whatever you what to call it) work for you rather then against you, some magical things can happen. And I want that in my life, right now. I finally got the resources now it’s the time to act full force without stopping. With everything I got, no matter what the cost. I know I will be awarded for my efforts and bravery.
I hope you enjoyed my little rant or inspirational speech on what’s it like to be human with some serious drive.
But really? What do you think of decoden, I’m trying to give into peoples heads here. I really don’t care if you buy it or not. That’s not what I’m aiming for. I just really just what the overall connection with someone like myself. That’s what I want to do. Design, to those who are like me. They what to be artistic, cool, and just different. That’s what I what to die doing because I was born doing it. I what to know how it feels to really live off your creations and enjoy your career. Even though I have a really good job pay wise, its just not what I what to do for very long. When I’m there I struggle against work, boredom and a raging creativity bug that bites every so often. Its like a disease and I have to cure it, any way I can. I just can’t sit and not draw or not thing about drawing. I have to create something, or I’ll just burst into pieces. I’m not sure if anyone gets me but if you do give me a shout. About anything, I want to know who’s really reading this on the other side of my computer. I really what to have some kind of connection on what may be right for my career and future plans.
I hope everyone has a really good night. And yes, this was definitely one of those creatively bursts I was talking about. Ha-ha!
