I've eaten one meal today, and I feel nauseous. I threw up yesterday. Now all I want to do is throw up again and not eat.
I've realized I hate eating. I hate it because right after I weigh myself, and I'm always unsatisfied with the number I see. I always weigh less when I get up in the morning. Maybe my scale's just really fucked up or maybe it's because I'm bloated. Maybe I'm hallucinating and just giving myself excuses to starve myself everyday.
I want to get help, but my family only promotes my eating disorder. My father's never home enough to see what I'm doing to myself, my mom just wants me to be down 8 pant sizes, and my brother just curses at me and calls me stupid for starving myself. But nobody helps me.
I feel so nauseous and I want to just shatter every mirror in my home. I HATE MYSELF. I hate my legs, my stomach, my arms, my face, my eyes, my hair, my nose, my mouth, my EVERYTHING. But nobody knows how much I hate myself. Everybody believes that I'm confident with myself. And when I do hint at my flaws, they disagree and leave it at that. Not even my best friend, that knows I'm suffering from my eating disorder, who knows how deep this hatred of myself is, who thinks I'm getting better, isn't able to notice how I don't eat at school, how tired and cold I am all the time. I lie and say I'm fine and she just shrugs it off and moves on.
I know that if I wanted to really get help, I'd request it. I'd tell my whole family about how less and less I've been eating. I'd scream it in my best friend's face. But do you know how hard it is to even admit this to myself?
I know the consequences of an eating disorder, and I know that one could indeed affect my health a lot, but all I have to do is look in the mirror and all my logic, all those consequences disappear. Along with those few pounds. And I feel so good about it. I love losing weight, and I loath gaining even half a pound.
Gaining makes me feel like a failure, so I endure the hunger pangs and only eat when I can no longer ignore how hungry I am.
And for all the people who think I'm over-exaggerating, or think that I'm doing this for attention, or who think that there's no way this girl's for real, well, let me tell you how fucking dumb you are. Because if you haven't noticed, girls (and even some boy) are always talking about how fat they are, or how ugly they are, and a good portion of them mean it. While a small amount are doing it just for somebody to tell them they're wrong. And that small portion makes me sick. Those girls or boys make me want to shake them so hard, I give them whiplash. Because they don't realize what it's like to ACTUALLY hate yourself.
They don't know how the sight of food makes your stomach rumble, but your mind scream, 'NO'. But I do. I know what it's like to tempted by food, but have to turn it down, because every pound you lose counts. And every pound you gain is just another failure. And that sense of failure is so much worse than hunger.
And I hope somebody I know comes across this, and thinks, 'What if this is my friend?' and with that being said, I bid you all adieu, and a big ol' FUCK YOU to all the people who believe that this is just the ranting of a girl seeking attention.
- L.
