I hope everyone had a great Valentine’s Day. Mine wasn’t too bad.
I made homemade toaster strudel in the shape of hearts. It actually turned out quite well. Really delicious. I dabbled around in the kitchen all morning after my fitness testing for my five week kickboxing class. I’ve lost at least an inch everywhere but my thighs. I’ve gained so much muscle, and I’ve gone from being able to do 6 push-ups to 40. Literally. It’s great. Then my parents called me to see if I wanted to meet them for supper since they knew I’d be alone. So I hung out with them for supper. I came back home and beat Dragon Age: Inquisition. So good! Cullen is my honey. Although the final cutscene was weird because it glitched out and when my character would go to hug the other characters, there wasn’t anyone there, so she was hugging the air. And she’d be talking to people, but there was no one there. And then no one was sitting in their chairs the right way. The glitch was just super weird.
Joe texted me early that night to tell me Happy Valentine’s Day, which I’m pretty sure he’s never initiated since our first Vday together. But yes, Joe and I still talk. In fact, we still see each other about once a week. The only thing that’s changed is that he’s apologized for everything and he’s been different. Good different. We talked about going on a cruise together next winter.
I just can’t stay away from him. As hard as I may try, and I tried. I tried so hard. But I love him so much that I literally cannot see myself with anyone else. I have tried, and I just cannot find that connection with anyone else. And I know you all probably think I’m stupid that I keep doing this back and forth with him. And a part of me thinks so, too, but I can’t stop my heart from what it wants. I’m terrified to tell my friends I’m still seeing him. I just know they are going to be so disappointed in me. But to be fair, they only know Joe through me. And they only ever really hear about the bad stuff. I don’t like my best friend’s fiancé, but I have to just bite my tongue and deal with it. SO she can deal with Joe. I don’t know if Joe and I will be forever or if we’ll be together for a short while. But I’m not as detached as I thought I was. I’m so emotionally invested into him.
But when I hung out with him on Saturday night, he was holding me and asking me why I liked him and just telling me he loved me, and all the sudden he stops and says, “Don’t take this the wrong way, but would you marry me.” And my heart… oh, my heart… it did flips in my chest. I said yes with barely any hesitation. No, we’re not engaged, he followed this up with the why do you like me question. But now I can’t stop thinking about it. I know I shouldn’t make it into a big deal since he didn’t really ask, but I can’t help it. I’ve talked about a serious future with ex-boyfriends before, but no one has ever theoretically asked me if I’d want to marry them. I want to question him more about it. Like, will he ever actually ask the question? Can we date first? Does he see a future like that with me? Would you guys ask him those questions if you were in my position? Or would you let it alone and worry about dating first?
