Not going to mention the thing I cannot speak of, apart from this. I have other depressing things I need to get off my chest. Since I know that my friends here on my end of the screen won't read this, I feel I can safely speak on this issue.
This next part gets really personal, so be forewarned. And if you feel like skipping it because you dont want to hear me be depressed and lonely and sad, its okay. Im not going to feel any worse than I already do.
I have a friend who is staying with me from Florida. I have known her since we were babies. Our moms grew up together, so she is pretty much family. She is a house-guest and is trying to get her life back on track. She is also trying to kick a bad drug habit. Its not helping as she is just substituting booze for the drugs. She has been staying with me since February, and its getting difficult. I dont want to send her back to Florida though, its not a good environment for her. Plus, up here she is close to her daughter(she lives a couple hours away, with her dad). So its good for her to be able to see her kid if she can get the gas money to pay for me to drive her down there.
There have been a couple instances where I have tried to go out to the bars (Its a Kenosha thing) with her, only for it to end in frustration. Once, at a buddy's going away party, she ditched me to hang out with a different friends younger brother. And then we fought when I called her out on it the next day. Whatever, she had obviously made other plans and just used me as a vehicle to get closer to his house.
Another time, we went to a Beer Bust to support the Bar's softball team. "This is going to be fun, just the two of us hanging out," she told me on the way there.
After 5 minutes, she went to smoke a cigarette and I didnt see her for over an hour. She found some random dude to hang on for the entire night, and ended up going home with him. Way to make me feel special, no? It was later mentioned(today actually) that she did that because I was giving her short answers and didnt seem interested in conversation. Again, makes me feel fucking great, because we all know how healthy MY self esteem is.
And again today, just now at 3:45 am CST on my birthday, she leaves with a friend of mine to go to his house. . . This would make the list of MY friends she wants to sleep with up to three. And I only have a couple of other friends apart from them. Two have girlfriends, and one is married.
Im not one to tell people what to do, but Im starting to get frustrated over the whole thing. I keep constantly feeling used as solely as a means of transportation and source for room and board. She "hates hanging out with me in my room because she doesnt like watching sports or watching me play video games." Well, its what I do in my room, so I guess you just wont be coming in here much is all.
Im going to mention that I did not want to have a gathering today, I didnt feel like it. Ive been short tempered all day, and I didnt want to add alcohol to the mix, it would not be good. But after constant bugging, I gave in and started drinking, hard. Im fine, didnt even get drunk tonight, but I did not want to do this. Im fucking depressed, and drinking a giant bottle of rum isnt going to help me, only make me feel worse. I knew this was going to happen to me tonight, and I went along with it anyway because Im a fucking idiot. I dont know why I keep giving in to shit like this. Yeah I do, I just dont want to hear people bitching at me to lighten up. I would have rather just watched TV and played on the PS3 instead of drinking a fuck ton of rum.
And so, this year's "Birthday Party" with all of 4 people to show up, ended the same as any other year. Me, at the end of the night, alone, depressed, and irritated because I was forced into doing something I didnt want to do in the first place.
Happy fucking birthday John-boy. You get an ulcer for worrying like an idiot. You get a damned headache for putting up with shit you should not be dealing with. And you get another bout of depression because people would much rather not spend any time with your sorry ass.
Im so done with this shit. Im at my wits end and I dont know what to do. . .
Im not going anywhere, dont worry about me. I just get this way this time of year. Another listless, pointless square on my calender that people want to make a bigger deal of it than it needs to be.
Happy Fucking Birthday John-boy. I get nothing but disappointment and depression today. Dont I feel great? Dont I?
