Gah, I spilled coffee on my pants again. Every morning! Every morning I do this! WHY? WHY MEEEEE?! Ah well, I've had worse things happen. And now I'll have the smell of coffee with me wherever I go, so I guess that's a plus...?
I finally read Volume 72 of Naruto the other day. I usually don't cry over shows or comics or whatever (but I sometimes wish I did-I just can't cry about that stuff, even though I feel like crying, I dunno), but when Naruto said goodbye to Minato, I just about busted out bawling. Ah, good times So yeah, I am all done with one of my favorite manga. I remember the first time I picked it up I kinda hated it, but it ended up being my obsession. I'm a little sad it's all done, but now I can watch the anime, so It's all good.
I definitely had an emotional couple of days there. I'm in this one art class that makes me super-anxious. See, I've always had anxiety issues, and I used to have these big emotional breakdowns in middle school, like, at least once a week. I've gotten a lot better at handling anxiety in the last five years. I don't have big breakdowns like I used to, and for a long time the only time I cried in school was in math class, an let's face it, I'm hardly the first person to cry over math. But since I've started the new school year I've had four or five breakdowns, and they've all been because of this class. Which totally sucks, because this was supposed to be the year that was just smooth sailing. I didn't even sign up for math, because I just didn't have to. And now the one school subject I enjoy is giving me these huge anxiety attacks. I feel like I'm back in seventh grade.
There's genuinely no logical reason for me to be doing this. The work's hard,sure, but I enjoy being challenged in an art class for once. The thing is, I skipped a level of the art program. This class is portfolio development, and you're supposed to take advanced art studies before this, but I skipped straight from art 2 to portfolio. So the work's hard, plus the class is everyone from advanced art last year, so it's basically my worst nightmare: a group that all knows each other already and doesn't need new people. Even better, one of them is a girl i went to middle school with and basically haven't spoken to since, so she's seen me freak out every day as a 12 year old, and now I'm 17 and I'm acting the exact same way. I feel so stuck. It's not that I wanna impress her, or anyone. But I do. And now I'm turning all paranoid about things. The other day I thought someone was staring at me-maybe she was, maybe she wasn't, it doesn't matter-so I flipped her off. I felt so terrible as soon as I did it.. I mean, this is genuine crazy-person behavior, being super anti-social and hostile because you convinced yourself everyone is out to get you. I apologized, and I was going to stay till the end of class and apologize properly, but instead I ended up running out of the room crying. Smooth going, Lina. Real smooth. Good grief, I am losing my mind.
Not everything has been sucky this week. I bought issue 19 of Ms Marvel-can't wait for the relaunch in November. It was super good and really pretty, as usual. I've mentioned this before, but Ms Marvel is the bomb. Seriously, Kamala Khan is the best superhero ever. She's my spirit animal And my friend Gabby and my parents have been super sympathetic about my stupid crazy-person problems and given me lots of hugs. I really think I'm gonna get through this thing okay. Lesse, what else. I started wearing purple lipstick. It was supposed to be blue, but it goes on purple. I was a bit dissapointed it wasn't blue, but it's still pretty cool-looking. My friend Cooper told me I looked extra punk-rock on Monday, and it made me so happy. I was like, "Yes I am, I am the punkest thing in this school."
Speaking of punk rock, I wrote a song this week. It's an idea that's been knocking around in my head for a while. It's a sort of Joan Jett-esque song about unrequited crushes, and it actually sounds really good. I have an acoustic guitar, which makes it hard to write 3-chord rock songs-I want an electric but I'm unemployed and I never have money But I actually managed to make my song sound almost as good as it did in my head, which, like, never happens. I'm pretty proud of myself.
So yeah, it's been a crazy-ass week, and I'm really looking forward to just chilling this weekend. We got the Hammer Horror version of Dracula with Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing. I've never seen it before, and I'm really looking forward to it. I'm also gonna work on my Halloween costume. I'm going as Captain Marvel this year. If it turns out well I'll post some pictures
have a good weekend, everyone!
-Lina