Um... But where? Where is the start line? No, where should I make the start line... I don't know. I have to get a larger, or maybe a more specific, perspective on my life, I guess. Maybe I should look at the beliefs I have about my life. Which can sound strange for some people, but I assure you I am okay with it. Just follow along. I'll be a leader.
So, yeah. When I think about what I believe about my life, I always think about this one story I wanted to write when I was younger. I was in Elementary School, so it's kind of strange, but my life is strange, and I'll leave it at that. Okay, so I thought up this girl who was born only to serve as an instrument for her parents. She was kept in a closet or something and whenever they got mad they took their anger out on her, and whenever they needed something to make them happy they would dote on her. She learned to become an unfeeling instrument that only responded to the needs of others. She was rescued at some point, but when they talked with her all she could say was that she was an instrument to be used for other people. A tool. I always think of an orange peel whenever I think of her because I dreamt up this intense scenario, though I can't remember all of it. She said something about how she was not like an orange, but like, instead, the outside of it, that served only to keep the orange safe. And then she rethought that, and said, no, she was the tool used to peel the orange, not even relevant to the orange itself. To life itself.
And those, my friends, are my depressing as hell thoughts, even from a young age. Applause is required.
.
.
.
Yes, thank you, that's enough of that. Anyways. I do remember wondering if this story applied to my life, and maybe, in a way, it did. I only recently realized that my mom relied on me to support her in her times of need. How alone she must feel now.
I think that I manually applied this story to my life. I was used so much that I began to believe that I did only exist to serve others.
So... now I have to live my life for myself? That might be hard. I don't know what I want. I barely know myself. I'm Xan. That's about all that I know. I always used to do this thing where I was like, "I need to find out who I am! What do I like?" and then I would start listing my likes, and then realize, "This is stupid, I'm a person with likes and dislikes and beliefs. I'm good on this." But, I guess... the problem is not in creating myself. Because I'm going to be who I am regardless of whatever I do. I just need to be comfortable with who I am. Come to terms with my skin.
Okay, but what if I like... need to create myself? Hm. Or maybe I am just a tool. Or maybe I'm worthless or just not anybody special.
Okay, so that line of thought is stupid and won't get me anywhere. Now what? How do I go forward? I still am kind of scared though. I think I'm going to bare my teeth, put on my war face, and stalk into whatever I'm going to do.
:( I emoted for you guys. This is another rare moment in history.
So... the trick is to be comfortable with myself around other people. Which doesn't mean that I have to know everything about everything in order to be a good person, although knowing things helps. I can still be ignorant and be good. I think. Ignorance does not mean evil. It just means lack of knowledge. Uh. Right. I just bring this up because I get upset when I'm wrong about things, or when I do something bad.
But how does one be a person without knowing things? Hm. What a strange thought. I base being human off of having knowledge. But more than that, I base "good" as "intelligent." Which... may be problematic. But according to my culturization (is that a word?), intelligence is to be highly prized out of everything else. It is all that will lead to progress. But, is progress good? No, not necessarily. It all depends on how we categorize good. Let's say good things are... not, as The Little Prince says, "matters of consequence." Instead, they are... what shall we call it. Maybe just happiness. So, this Just Happiness is Good. Okay.
Which is also problematic. We as a species must not try to change everything to our liking. We can be happy without taking over the world. So I guess that takes a certain mindset. Like, one that is okay with who we are. That is comfortable being us. But how does one become so... well, complacent with one's being? So complacent that they decide that they see no fault with the rest of the world?