VERSION 2
Title: Now That I Know
Anime: Death Note
Pairing: L X Light
Type: One Shot (Now a Chapter Story)
Disclaimer: I DO NOT own Death Note, the characters, or anything related to it. *cries*
Summary: It’s been a week since Ryuuzaki’s burial, and Light’s finally coming to understand how much he really needed Ryuuzaki.
Categories: Angst, Shounen-ai / Romance
A/N: I’m not sure if this is any better, but I felt like posting it to see what you all think of it.
Now That I Know
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Death Note – One Shot
Version 2
Light gave a sigh kneeling before the crimson carpeted alter; a fear he had never felt arose within his stomach as he placed the palms of his hands flat upon the floor. “It’s already been a week since they buried you,” he whispered gritting his teeth sharply, “and even though I’ve tried so hard to forget about you I can’t. No matter how hard I try I can’t stop remembering you.”
Slowly he shifted on the floor resting his knees beneath him. A bright rainbow light shone through the stained glass window splaying over his body. At this moment he looked more like a god than he knew, but at this moment being a god didn’t matter to him. All that mattered was L, Ryuuzaki, Ryuuga, and the name that was unknown to the world.
Light crawled closer to the dark wooden table and choked back the waterfall of tears he had held in the night he watched his true love being lowered into the cold earth. He squinted and groaned that was not where Ryuuzaki deserved to be. He dismissed the thought and placed his hands on the table-top; this was the table upon which the coffin of his love had sat merely a week ago.
Giving a sigh of disbelief he reached into his pocket taking a small piece of paper folded sloppily. He unfolded it and placed it before him on the table. Again he reached into his pocket and took a pen from it slowly, “You know,” he whispered placing it atop the unfolded piece of paper, “I’ve always wondered what would happen,” he paused lifting himself to his feet, “if you wrote your own name in the Death Note.”
After making a small mark on the paper he reeled away from table dropping the pen to the carpeted floor, “No,” he whispered looking through the corner of his eye at the long cross mounted upon the wall of the church. He scoffed slightly and turned away; there was no god, if there was he wouldn’t have found the Death Note, and none of this would have happened. Light bit his tongue and leaned against the emerald cushioned pews. Not long ago all he wanted was to be god; to make an imperfect world into Utopia, but that could never really be done.
Light lifted his head slowly and watched the long beautiful portrait of Ryuuzaki hanging on the wall near the cross. Light bit his lip unnoticeably and frowned. The person in this portrait was the one person he felt was his equivalent, his match in every way. He closed his eyes slightly; he could remember when they hung the portrait in the church the night they placed the innocent boy into the cold dark earth.
“But,” Light said pacing forward through the dim church with a million different thoughts spinning within his mind, “I am not weak; this whole time I’ve never had anyone. I’ve never needed anyone,” he raised his voice as he continued drawing closer to the large almost life-size portrait of the boy whose name had been spiraling through Light’s head ever since that terrible day. “Never,” he repeated loudly, “and I sure as hell don’t need anyone now; not after I’ve finally got what I wanted. Now that you’re gone I’ll be able to make my dream of a perfect world a reality.” He licked his lips slowly he had yelled every word almost as if he were speaking to someone he despised.
“But if this is what I wanted,” he whispered stepping forward now within touching distance of the portrait, “why do I feel so uneasy, so unsettled.” He rested a hand upon the hand of the boy in the portrait and frowned. “Why do I feel like I miss you? I’ve never missed anyone like this,” he lowered his head and looked sideways at the portrait, “I doubt I’d miss my own family like this.”
His lips quivered as he pulled away suddenly throwing a hard blow against the portrait, “Why?” he yelled holding his clinched fist against the portrait, “I don’t understand this. I don’t even understand myself.” He pulled away suddenly and took quick steps backward until he stood by the table in the exact place he had only moments before.
Light took the pen in his hand and bit his lip as hard as possible causing a drop of crimson blood to run down his chin and drop to the table staining the paper with its owner’s blood. “I can’t love you,” he whispered scratching his last name onto the first line of the paper. Second after second the wall built to contain the waterfall of tears was decaying and soon was destroyed.
Tears fell from his eyes down his cheeks staining the paper with his own sorrow. Light shook his head and buried his hands into his hair, “No,” he groaned, “No, I don’t love you.” Slowly he lifted himself up again and scratched the first four letters of his first name after his last.
Slowly he stood and turned to the portrait; his eyes sharpened with anger as he yelled once more at the boy in the portrait, “Well?” he began loudly, “Are you going to stop me? Are you going to say anything?” He hesitated, “Do you even care about me anymore?” He raised his hands to his shirt drenched with his own tears and gritted his teeth closing his eyes tightly. Ryuuzaki didn’t care; no one really cared. He let out a cry of pain and scratched half of the last letter onto the paper.
As he began the final stroke a cold hand appeared holding his wrist, “Light,” the voice that still sent shivers up his spine as well as anger to his heart echoed through the building ringing soft beautiful bells in his ears. “What are you doing? You know Kira is destined to be alone and miserable no matter who supports him.”
Light let out a gasp and turned his head slightly, “You- you’re not real,” he whispered trying to convince himself, “you- you’re dead. I know; I watched you die.” He took slow breaths and bit his lip, “I have to be dreaming; this can’t be real.”
Warmth surrounded him as slender arms wrapped around his cold body. Unconsciously his hand released the pen; it made a thump as it hit the table spilling ink over the paper erasing the name, the blood, and the tears permanently.
“You really think this is a dream?” the voice came again as Light’s body froze in horror, “Just look at me. Do I look like a hallucination?” Slowly the warmth decreased as the body behind him circled him and crouched slightly before him.
Light let out a silent gasp and let his mouth hand open, “R- Ryuuzaki.” He moved away closing his mouth suddenly, “What are you here for? Do you want to punish me for being Kira? Or maybe you want to tell me that you’re not really L; that you were just a decoy like Lind L. Taylor, and that you tricked me into killing you. Is that it?”
A strong hand held Light still as the boy before him moved slightly closer, “I’m L,” the boy whispered, “and Kira may be a criminal, but Light is my best friend.” He raised a hand and placed it upon Light’s shoulder softly, “I’m talking to Light not Kira.” He shifted his hand rested it on Light’s neck, “In my eyes Light is much better than Kira.” He leaned forward and pressed his lips against Light’s without hesitation.
Light attempted to close his eyes and be engulfed in the moment, but his body refused to cooperate. He forced his eyes closed and pulled himself closer to Ryuuzaki finally forcing himself to believe in this moment. “If this is a dream,” he thought silently, “let it never end.”
Slowly Ryuuzaki pulled away and whispered, “And Light is the one I love.” He pulled Light close to him and smiled, “I’d never leave him.”
No more words were exchanged for quite some time; they sat in silence both held tightly within each others arms. Love, hate, anger, jealousy, lust, longing, and deceitfulness melted away, and that moment seemed to last an eternity.
A crash echoed through the church building rattling the chandelier hanging high above and shaking the long wooden pews. Light pulled away from Ryuuzaki and turned to the source of the crash. A man shaded in darkness walked down the aisle keeping a steady pace as he approached the boy sitting upon his knees on the carpeted floor.
“Light-kun,” the voice was familiar, very familiar, “your father’s been looking for you. He says he’s found something on Ryuuzaki’s computer that might interest you. He wants you to come right away.” The man stopped half-way down the aisle and smiled to Light, “By the way,” he hesitated, “what are you doing here? It’s kind-of depressing how this room is where they brought Ryuuzaki. I-.”
“Shut-up, Matsuda,” Light groaned turning back to where the boy had sat only a second before. He felt his heart drop into his stomach, his eyes grew wide, and he choked upon his own breath. “Ryuuzaki,” he whispered placing the palms of his hands upon the floor, “Please, don’t leave me again. I know I said I could be alone, but I need someone. No, I don’t need someone I need you.”
Matsuda quickened his pace and placed his hands upon Light’s shoulders keeping him still, “Light-kun,” he said softly, “Are you alright? I know you’re upset about Ryuuzaki’s death, but so are we. Everyone else is extremely sad about it too. We all understand how you feel. It’ll be alright.”
Light turned his head slightly and shook his head scoffing; they’d never understand, no one could understand. He lost the one person who related to him, the one person he truly cared about. “You don’t,” he said simply tearing away from Matsuda, “you never will; no one will.” He searched the room desperately for a sign of the one he loved. Where? Where had he disappeared to? Would he come back? These questions and more circled ‘round in his head like a carrousel.
“Light-kun,” Matsuda whispered stepping forward, “I’m sure you feel terrible about this, but don’t do something you’d regret. You still have your father, your mother, your sister, and all of us left at headquarters. We still respect you; after all, you are the second L. We still need you to solve the Kira Case.”
“No,” Light whispered taking a step farther away from Matsuda, “I don’t have anyone. Now that Ryuuzaki’s gone I have no one.” He turned slowly in Matsuda’s direction and frowned, “Also, I am not the second L. I’m nowhere near what the real L was. I never will be like L; he was better than I was. He always was.”
Matsuda shook his head stepping closer to Light, “Light-kun,” he said softly but stopped; for once in his life he was lost for words.
Light turned away and took slow steps across the floor until he reached the dark wall of the church. He leaned against it slowly making sure not to touch the beautiful portrait and pulled up the sleeve of his light gray jacket revealing the silver clad watch on his wrist. He placed two fingers upon the knob on the side of the watch and smiled sadly before pulling it three times. A plate slid out from underneath revealing a torn paper and a needle.
He reached into his pocket and took another pen into his hand. Slowly he brought it down to the paper and wrote his last name for the second time. This time Ryuuzaki would not stop him; this time it would work. This time he would die; this time he would be the one whose coffin would lie upon the dark table in front of the church, he would be the one who they would lower into the cold hard ground alongside his true love, he would be the one whose portrait would hang upon the wall near his love’s. In only a few moments he would be the one who would be missed.
“Light-kun?” Matsuda whispered giving him a look of confusion, “Is that-?” His eyes widened as he realized what Light was doing. “Light-kun, please, Ryuuzaki wouldn’t want you to do that. He wouldn’t want you to use the Death Note like that. Don’t you want to get back at Kira? He killed Ryuuzaki, right? So, let’s catch Kira and get back at him for what he did to Ryuuzaki. Don’t just give up like that.”
“No, Matsuda, there will be no ‘getting back at Kira’,” he said writing the first three letters of his name beside his last, “Because if I’m gone, Kira is gone. If I die, Kira dies. And as for Ryuuzaki not wanting me to; if he didn’t want me to he’d stop me,” he hesitated before whispering, “again,” under his breath. “Ryuuzaki,” he thought solemnly, “Please, give me one more chance.”
Matsuda took slow steps forward; his footsteps echoed through the building loudly almost like the beating of a heart, Light’s heart. “Light-kun,” he whispered under his breath unable to raise his voice any higher.
Light let out a gasp of surprise a bright light flooded the room. The pews, the alter, the table, the walls, the floors, the ceiling, and even Matsuda faded away. All that remained was Light’s numb body. He closed his eyes slightly as the bright light engulfed him like water from the ocean.
“Light-kun,” a soft familiar voice echoed.
Light closed his eyes tightly reluctant to open them; what would he see if he opened his eyes? Would he be in heaven; would he be in hell?
“Light-kun,” the voice grew louder and closer to him.
Slowly Light allowed his eyes to open and sat up unconsciously as he realized who was seated next to him on the cold floor. “R- Ryuuzaki, but- but, you’re- you’re d- dead.” He placed the palms of his hands upon the cold floor and shivered hearing Ryuuzaki respond.
“Dead?” Ryuuzaki whispered lifting a finger and placing it upon his bottom lip. He fixed his gaze on Light and frowned slightly before replying, “I’m not.” Slowly he lifted himself onto the leather chair behind him and wheeled it closer to light. “You passed out; you must not be getting enough sleep, Light-kun. You were out for ten minutes, and your father’s still home with your mother and sister.”
Light nodded standing slowly, “Ryuuzaki,” he said softly and blinked seeing Ryuuzaki turn to him, “What is today’s date?” he asked tilting his head to the side slowly.
Ryuuzaki gave him an eerie look and half frowned, “Today’s date? It’s November 4, 2004. You shouldn’t have forgotten the date after being out for only ten minutes,” he said leaning forward in the seat to look closer at Light, “Are you alright?”
“I’m fine,” Light whispered scrambling to his feet and smiling to Ryuuzaki. Now, he could remember being Kira; he could remember Misa- the second Kira-, he could remember being imprisoned, being released, finding the fake Kira, and having Rem and Ryuk at Headquarters. He could also remember things that happened afterwards, things that had not yet happened. “Just because it happened once doesn’t mean it has to happen again.”
Light smiled slightly to himself and turned to face Ryuuzaki, “How does a game of tennis sound?” he asked stepping closer to Ryuuzaki, “Afterwards we can stop at a restaurant and get some cake.” He gave Ryuuzaki a smile and stepped away giving Ryuuzaki room to stand beside him.
Ryuuzaki nodded, “It sounds prefect,” he said as he turned to Light slowly, “You know, Light-kun, it seems almost like you’ve changed drastically. Did something happen while you were out? A nightmare?”
“Yeah,” Light answered nodding slightly, “A nightmare.” He smiled slightly and followed as Ryuuzaki started across the floor. Light turned to Ryuuzaki slowly and smiled seeing a bright glimmer in his dark onyx eyes. “This is real,” he thought silently, “and now that I know what would happen. I’m going to change the ending that would have been into one that’s better. I’ll make sure to do everything right. I won’t make any more mistakes, none.” He turned to Ryuuzaki slightly as they exited the building and smiled, “And I’ll never let an opportunity pass me by. Especially this one.”
