So some things occurred to me today.
I had a history exam this week, and the grades aren’t in, but I don’t think I did well. I’m recovering from a chronic illness that had plagued me for years, and even though I’m feeling a lot better, I was really fucked up for a while and my insides still aren’t always feeling fantastic. On top of that, I got sick with a Something, I don’t even know what it was but it gave me a fever so bad I’ve barely been able to string together two coherent thoughts these past couple days. And this week, of all weeks, was the busy one where everything is due all at once.
I should have asked for extensions, I know I should have. I forced myself to go to work and I forced myself to write my essays and do my homework and take the exam, and I should have taken time to recover, but I was raised with the idea that there were No Excuses and you just have to Push Through It.
And I was thinking to myself that if I got the exam back and I hadn’t done well, I might talk to the professor and ask for some kind of something. I don’t know, a re-do, extra-credit project, something. And I’d say I was so sorry and I’d been sick and I’d just kind of let my life go recently and I know that’s no excuse but…
Which is when it occurred to me that maybe having a chronic illness so bad you can’t eat food is a valid excuse. So is having a fever high enough to get you sent home from work early. Those are valid reasons for things. My boss telling me I could leave work early was totally a surprise, too. Like, my coworkers & my boss were all, Sara, you can barely manage to keep your head up, are you okay? And it’s like, oh, look, people can care about my well-being more than the work they can get out of me.
I’m starting to think the way I was raised was really fucked up.
And the professor might not let me do anything to get back points on the exam, which would suck, but I wouldn’t have to beat myself up for it because I have spent the past few months barely able to eat and yes, that is a reason to not have a handle on things.
Anyway, if anyone’s still reading this ramble, I’ve been seeing a lot of posts on my dash from people who don’t understand why their lives have gotten out of control, why they can’t just get it together, and I just want you all to know, if you’re in that situation, there is a reason and it is valid. Be easy on yourself.
