Inside the building was a complete contrast to the gloomy exterior. The back wall was made of glass set in light, titanium frames that looked out over a vast stretch of perfectly manicured grass. Underneath my feet creaked weathered-looking floorboards that met the cream walls with a simple stripe of white. The whole room seemed clean, white, precise…clinical. Like it was a façade to cover something much more sinister.
Rikku’s face portrayed my discontent, but I was more careful to hide my doubting feelings. “Rikku? Brother? Charlotte?” The voice that boomed through the light room was unfamiliar, but at the sound of my name I couldn’t help but turn to face the source. A slight man stood, about thirty, in a doorway, one hand tensely ruffling his honey hair. “You’re right on time. Come on, follow me.” I checked Rikku’s reaction, but she nodded impassively at me and made after the man. Brother spared me a reassuring glance before following her. I slipped into a defensive crouch as I took slow, sure steps forward, careful to keep my breathing rhythmic and steady.
The stranger led us through the door, which opened onto metal steps that took us down, away from the light. We walked slowly, close together, further below ground. Another thick door lay innocently at the bottom of the daunting staircase, and the man gestured for us to go in ahead of us, before slipping in and bolting the door securely. “Soundproof,” he muttered by way of explanation.
This new room was wide and circular, with a high, vaulted ceiling that faded out of focus as it rose. The floor was a mesh of worn flagstones that made the sound of every footfall reverberate around the room. There were no windows; the only door was the one we had entered through. My customary scan of the room took barely a second before my attention flickered back to the man standing before us, looking a little embarrassed. “Um…I’m James,” he mumbled. “Uh…Sorry…I…don’t really…I can’t…”
I shook my head and whispered. “No… You can’t… You mustn’t…” George shushed me, still squeezing me and holding me tight against him. I knew I wouldn’t get anywhere by arguing, so I tried to sit up slightly, trying to gather an excuse. Charlotte would need to know… So I told George that that was what I was doing, calling Charlotte. I stood up, or tried to at least, because my legs had turned to jelly and I fell back onto the plush sofa. George wrapped an arm around my waist and I took my phone out of my pocket, calling Charlotte on speed dial. It rang- once, twice, three times and she answered.
“Yes, Brother?” Her condescending tone reflected our previous argument, and I shuddered, trying my hardest to keep my voice steady and calm. “Charlotte, I need you… I need you to be here, please… Could you come back?” I heard a slight sigh and Charlotte’s voice explaining to Rikku. “Sorry. I can’t, I’m on our mission, and I’m a little busy. Then I’ll be out for a few hours afterwards, so you’ll just have to cope without me. Shouldn’t be too hard.”
She hung up the phone and my eyes once again stung with tears. I heard Rin begin to run the vacuum cleaner around the room once more, and George pulled me closer once more. I didn’t fight, protest. I didn’t accept it, however. I merely sat there, empty, the phone sitting limply in my now lifeless arm that hung by my side. My eyes gazed down at my lap, my hair twisting my vision slightly. I sat, and stared, and sat, as George lay my head on his chest, stroking my side softly. Now, even his touch offered no comfort.
I had ruined my relationship with my sister, because I was foolish enough to take enjoyment in the love THEY had offered, when I already had love enough to last me a lifetime. And there was she, with none of her own. Or had she? I hadn’t been paying attention… and the realisation stung further. I had been the worst brother ever, how could I expect her to take time out of her schedule for me, a total failure. Why did George and Rin even care? I wasn’t worth the clothes I was wearing. But yet, George still held me tight.
Nothing was warming my heart… it simply stayed frozen. Rin looked at me and George, and stopped vacuuming. “It’s all my fault.” George then stood up and walked before Rin. “No, it’s mine. I knew he was taken and I still advanced on him. I shouldn’t have.” Rin looked confused slightly, and shook his head. “Please, accept my most humble apologies, for I too have been trying to please him.” The two began arguing… over who was at fault, each fighting against themselves. I shook my head vigorously as the two began to raise their voices. As they began to shout, I stood up, to have them both stop and stare at me. A few tears dropped, staining the carpet “Just stop!” I ran out of the room, into my bedroom, locking the door and falling against it.
I snapped my mobile phone shut impatiently and smiled apologetically at James. He nodded once, his eyes blank, and started to speak again. “Well…it wasn’t really…I didn’t mean for this to happen.” An edge of despair had crept into his expression, and his previously curt voice grew wild while his eyes darted around the merciless room crazily. I chewed over his words repeatedly, confused, trying to find a logical meaning behind them. But nothing seemed to click until his trembling hands pulled a heavy gun out of his pocket.
I stared at the barrel of the shaking pistol while Rikku gasped theatrically. The gun flicked up to her face, and James’s weak fingers pulled the safety off hesitantly. No longer thinking rationally, I flung myself in front of Rikku pointlessly, knowing that I was powerless to protect her. Brother gaped at James’s hardened, harsh face, and the silence stretched out cruelly. Glancing once at Brother and Rikku, I took one slow stride towards the gun, my gaze fixed on it stubbornly. “Easy, now. You don’t really want to hurt anyone. I know that. So put the gun away safely.” I tried to keep my voice cool, to calm him, but I was constantly worried it would break, betraying my panicked fear. Not fear for myself; I was scared that Rikku and Brother wouldn’t get out of this and it would be my fault.
James took a minute step backwards, tightening his grip on the pistol so his knuckles glowed white; the bones threatened to pierce through his tight skin. I walked a little closer steadily – now I was close enough that if I were to reach out, I could grab the gun. But I knew I needed to think this through; if I tried to take it now, he would surely shoot me outright. James tried to back away again, but his attention was dragged away when he found a solid wall at his back. While his eyes were away from mine, I swung my arm up, yelling, “Get down!” My voice rang through the hall, but it was cut off by the echoing crack that deafened me momentarily. I closed my eyes, but didn’t release my relentless vice on the gun.
Opening my eyes, I saw James scuttle away to curl up in a corner, his eyes moist. But I had no patience for him right now. I span to find Rikku and Brother tensed on the floor, their faces screwed up. “Are you okay?” I was panicking again, and felt my chest tighten. “Did the gun…did you get shot?” I wheezed. The two siblings rose fluidly to their feet, shaking their head, and an uncontrollable relief flooded through me. The accompanying warmth was comforting and calming. “Then we ought to go,” I suggested quietly, and they both agreed.
Sparing a look at James, I recalled the gun resting in my hands. It seemed weighted with power. I lifted it experimentally, examining every millimetre of the shiny weapon. James squeaked shrilly, but I took no notice, and slipped the pistol into my pocket. I couldn’t be sure that we would face no dangers getting out of here. Brother slid the heavy bolt up, opening the door, and I sprinted up the stairs; I was desperate to be out of the dingy room, reeking of secrets and lies and death, and feel the usual warmth of daylight play over my skin.
I sat against the door for a few minutes, tears streaking silently down my face, before I could bear to take my phone out of my pocket and re-read the text message. “Not coming for Christmas. We’re not working out. Goodbye.” He could only mean that he was leaving me. That was… the only choice. I shut my eyes tight and deleted the message, standing up and facing my mirror. My fringe looked greasy and showed my forehead in several places, and my eyes were red and blurry. I saw my hands shaking, not even feeling the shake myself. I reached out and touched the glass. Stroked my reflection’s cheek. “You’re loved,” I said. “You should be happy.”
I smiled softly, as if my reflection was talking back to me. I wiped the glass tears from the mirror and ran my hand through the hair of my double. “I know it hurts. But you’ll be happy again soon. You have to be, for the both of us.” My eyes drifted slightly, falling to my bag. I leaned forward and opened it, looking at the makeup held within. My favourite eyeliner… Some eyeshadow I’d never worn, and my black nail varnish and lipstick. Black, Black, Black. Then I noticed a small box, with a ribbon and a tag. “Open BEFORE Christmas.” I pulled the box out, recognizing the handwriting as belonging to Charlotte, and opened it. Two small bottles of nail polish. Azure Blue, and Royal Silver, as well as a tube of Crimson lipstick. I smiled softly and took the Azure Blue nail polish out, opening it and turning the colour round in my mind. It was beautiful. My eyes reverted to my tear-stained reflection, and I smiled. With this, and a little effort… I could change. I, too, could be beautiful, just as… as He had said I was.
I ran to the shower and washed my hair quickly but surely. Finishing in half the usual time with better-than-average results, I grabbed my straighteners. I spent less time on straightening, too, but still had a better final product. I noticed that I’d spent twenty minutes alone, and that Rin and George would be worried, but that didn’t matter as much at the moment. I ran a small amount of wax through my hair to make it truly perfect, and grabbed my makeup. Eyeliner, thin and feminine to accentuate the darkness of my eyes. A small amount of eyeshadow to make my eyes stand out more in the crowd. I took the Crimson lipstick and applied it gently, darkening my lips slightly and making them seem a little less pursed. Finally, the nail polish. I opened the Azure Blue, smiling as I coated my nails in the glorious blue.
A few minutes later, once I was sure they were dry, I pulled out a black-and-red shirt from my wardrobe and a pair of black, formal trousers. Pulling them on and grabbing my favourite black-and-pink tie, I made sure my hair still looked okay. I put the tie on, and looked at my reflection, running my hands down to lay on my waist. I smiled, looking down at the blue in the reflection, complimenting the pink brilliantly. A new colour, a new sense of self. A new start. My heart ached as I noticed the space behind me in my reflection, the hands on my waist my own and not His. I tilted my head slightly, closed my eyes, imagining him holding me tight and kissing my neck. I opened my eyes. Turned around to the empty space. Slapped the air. I’d lost Julian, but not myself. And he’d lost the most loving person he was ever likely to meet. A brand new start, and a new, happier me. I smiled one more time and kissed my reflection. “Thank you for this.”
I unlocked my door and stood as George turned around in my doorway, a slight bend to his normally upright figure. As soon as his eyes noticed me, widening, his back straightened up and his lips opened slightly in a smile. He looked at me in surprise. “What are you-“ I placed my finger on his lips. “Just wondering, how much money do you have on you?” He looked down at his pockets and pulled out his wallet, which was far from empty. I giggled slightly and closed his wallet, putting it back into his pocket. “In that case, do you have anything you want to ask me?” He looked back at me, still confused, and I rolled my eyes. I grabbed a pen and paper, and wrote a few words down, handing the paper to him. “Say that.” He grinned and folded the paper, placing it in his pocket. “Stevie, you could use some cheering up. Do you wanna go out on a date?” I smiled, glad that Rin was taking a nap on the sofa. “Of course!”
The sunlight seemed brighter than it had before; almost definitely a product of the dank room below my feet. It bounced off the silver car that lay in wait for us playfully, like liquid gold where it streaked through the sky. Rikku, Brother and I piled into the car, with Rikku chattering happily. The adrenaline of the exchange with James seemed to have excited her; whereas I simply wanted to forget it. I shook my head to try and dislodge the haze that had invaded my thoughts, and stared out of the window. It felt like I was underwater; my ears were blocked and my eyesight was blurred, and my breath came out uneven and shallow, providing me with no relief.
Our car dropped us off on the pavement by the building. As I was clambering out, I checked my watch. Noting the time, I sprinted up the stairs, feeling that I could clear them faster than the elevator right now – and I was right; the doors pinged open as I wrenched the front door of the apartment open, revealing a dazed looking Rikku and Brother. After a quick ‘Hello’ aimed at Rin, I barricaded myself in my room, throwing my wardrobe open with unnatural haste. Nothing seemed to look right – I could find no clothes that matched, that looked good, that were fit for purpose…
Glancing at my clock, I found – with an electric jolt of surprise – that I had only ten minutes before Mitsu was due to arrive. I threw on the pair of artfully faded jeans I had on originally with a simple V-neck t-shirt under a checked shirt, tugged my straighteners through my unruly hair to give the wild mass some attempt at a defined shape, and applied a thick layer of eyeliner. Terrified to check my haphazard reflection, I was just fastening my earring backs when the doorbell rang.
Out in the living room, Rin had opened the door already, and was smiling pleasantly at the man in front of him. I savoured the sight of Mitsu, taking in his posture, his hair, his face, before finally looking into his beautiful eyes. I instantly recognized his stunningly crooked smile, and the light that touched his face when he wore it, and the beatific happiness radiating from every part of him. He nodded once at me, and I finally regained the ability to move, skipping over to him more lithely than I was aware I could move. I swiftly sidestepped Rin, explaining that I would be back before it got dark and not to worry, I had my phone and he could reach me in case of emergency. It was only as I left that I felt the weight of the gun in the pocket, but I didn’t act on it; it would only cause awkward questions. Anyway, I was certain that Rikku hadn’t had time enough to explain about the wayward mission yet.
Once I had tugged the door shut out of Rin’s reluctant grasp, I turned to greet Mitsu properly. “Hey,” I whispered lightly, stunned as always by the perfection of his appearance. “Hello,” he replied, leaning down to press his warm mouth to mine. His breath tasted as sweet as I remembered, and as he pulled away his half-smile spread across his lovely face once more. I reached out to take his hand, but instead he simply wrapped one arm tightly around my waist, sending butterflies flying through me even though his touch was so familiar already. I moulded myself to fit his shape as we walked downstairs, and he opened the car door for me to scramble into the passenger seat. Mitsu kept his strong fingers woven through mine for the whole journey.
In town, we headed straight for the food court. I let Mitsu pick the place we were eating at, him leading, me following. He took me to a table and sat across from me, our hands intertwined on the tabletop. The table was round, and so smaller; which meant that with every movement – however slight – his knees brushed against mine, thrilling me with strange electricity. “So you aren’t Al Bhed…why are you with them?” he asked, his voice soft as he looked up through his dark fringe of eyelashes. I knew that these were secrets, that it wasn’t my place to tell them to this almost stranger…but although that thought registered, it had no effect when my heart was fluttering this quickly, making my blood pump irregularly. I knew I shouldn’t…but his caramel voice was stronger than any diluted doubts I had. Despite my usually strong sense of justice, a recklessness that was unknown to me was nibbling at my resolve, and I decided to embrace it. I was a new person, I decided as I began to let the forbidden words spill out.
