The Worth of A Miracle – The Final Encounter
It was raining in Tokyo 3 and in a bleak apartment room on the outskirts of the city, there was a feeble creak and a small shaft of grey light shot momentarily across the blackness before disappearing again with a thudding click. The sound of footsteps could be heard heading towards the only light in the room, a rhythmic blinking red dot to the far left, just above waist height.
The footsteps ceased and a high pitched bleep followed by the sound of gentle whirring replaced them. Another bleep, and then, a voice;
“Mr Ikari, this is Doctor Himuro of Tokyo 3 Hospital,” the deep voice said, “I have the results of your tests and I would appreciate it if you could come down to the hospital to discuss the-”. More whirring, and another beep. “Shinji? Where are you?,” This one was a woman, a commanding one with a loud voice, “If you don’t answer in-”
“It’s ok Misato, I’m here. Hold on a sec” more whirring, a click and silence. There was one final bleep and the pulsing light vanished. The sound of more footsteps echoed on the hard floor and then, a cold click. There was a gentle humming sound and then the plink plink of the dim ceiling bulb flickering into life.
Shinji Ikari stood at the foot of his bed, blue jeans darkened; white shirt almost translucent and hair dishevelled from the rain, which now ran down his face like tears. He glared at the combination answer machine-phone which Misato had forced upon him six weeks ago when he was released from the hospital. She had promised to call him every day to make sure he was ok, and had then threatened that if he didn’t answer straight away she would be over in a flash and that if she rushed over to his apartment to find out that he hadn’t died, she’d kill him herself. He laughed to himself as he peeled off the soaked clothes and dropped them into a pile in the corner, hoping she hadn’t planted a camera in his room too - or she’d be forcing umbrellas on him next.
He threw himself down on his stale mattress, which seemed to sigh just as heavily as he did, and stared up at the ceiling. He hadn’t told her yet. He hadn’t told anyone. He was beginning to wonder if he should just pretend it wasn’t happening. He didn’t know anymore.
He closed his eyes. The pain was so constant now that he could ignore it as long as he took some painkillers every now and then. There was only one time when he couldn’t block it out; when he had those dreams. And they had been happening at least twice a week, although not like that time six weeks ago and not like the time before that, ten years ago. No, in these dreams Kaworu never spoke to him. They were always the same scene; a great valley of luscious grass, filled with sweet, colourful wild flowers dancing gently in a warm summer breeze, the two lovers facing each other from opposite sides. He would be miles and miles away sometimes, standing with his hands in his pockets, smiling omnipotently as always. He would extend a hand to a fifteen year old Shinji and Shinji would run to him his own hand outstretched, only for him to eventually turn away, still smiling, but looking strangely empty at the same time. These dreams forced Shinji to wake in the early hours sweating and breathing heavily, shaking and with the searing pain in his skull stronger than ever.
He hated those dreams and the way which his heart would ache after them, he hated Kaworu because he wasn’t here now, but he hated himself even more. Because all he wanted to do was sleep forever. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with Kaworu, even if that meant chasing after him to no avail in his imagination. In his burning mind, a sensual and persuasive voice whispered a tantalizing idea and Shinji complied. Eyes closed, he reached out to his bedside table and grabbed a bottle. He opened it, shook it and swallowed the two sleeping pills that came out dry. The wind whistled through the trees outside and the rain hammered against the window like a haphazard drumbeat, deepening the gloom in the apartment. On his bed fusty bed, Shinji breathed gently, slipping slowly into oblivion. The world went black.
Shinji, eyes still closed, shivered slightly in the breeze that swept over him. As his senses slowly returned, he realised it was warm now, he could feel the sun on his back. One side of his face was pressed against something cool, soft. The breeze that fluttered by, almost silently, smelled sweet, like honey and roses, and made Shinji feel warm to his core. He rolled onto his back with a triumphant smile; arms and legs spread out, and opened his eyes to a dazzling blue sky. He stood up and dusted any loose grass off of his black dress trousers. The front of his school shirt had become dappled in green and there were two mucky green patches on his knees, but he didn’t care. He turned and looked across the vast ravine of flowers, dancing pinks and oranges and lilacs, shimmering in the sunlight. There he was. On the other side, just visible at the top of a hill, was Kaworu, his hair and shirt flying gently in the breeze. Shinji cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted,
“Kaworu! Kaworu, can you hear me?” After a moment of looking around, the other boy turned and raised a hand in a wave. “Meet me in the middle!” Shinji yelled out. Kaworu’s hand went up once more in confirmation. Shinji sighed happily through a smile and began his descent into the valley.
The grass near the centre of the valley was a lot taller than Shinji had realised, or was it just that he was used to being taller himself?, he wasn’t sure. The grass in the very middle reached to the base of Shinji's ribs and while he had attempted to wade his way through it, he had lost track of Kaworu making his way down the other side. He looked up at the hill and all around him, but couldn’t see him anywhere. Shinji sighed in despair. Perhaps he hadn’t figured it out after all. He had nothing to do now but wait. He’d either wake up, or he’d die of an overdose and with the cocktail of pills Dr Himuro had him taking, he had no idea which.
The next few moments were a blur for Shinji. The gentle rustling behind him, which went unnoticed in the warm breeze as he silently cried for his loss, would have alerted him to the presence of the arms that suddenly wrapped themselves around him, causing him to topple forwards. Dazed and a little apprehensive, Shinji rolled onto his back.
“I have missed you, Shinji Ikari” The claret eyes which met his own sparked with joy. Kaworu smiled down at him, hair falling in front of his face delicately, and pressed his lips against Shinji's passionately and without warning. The two remained locked together, exchanging gentle kisses in a vice like embrace, under the shade of the tall grass for what seemed like an eternity. An eternity which Shinji had longed for more than anything - more than seeing his mother again, more than the love and acceptance of his father, and more than the painless oblivion which awaited him so very soon.
“I’ve missed you too Kaworu,” Shinji said through gasped breaths in between the deluge of kisses. They paused for a moment, nose-to-nose, looking at one another. “I love you Kaworu,” Shinji sighed, tears in his eyes.
“I love you to, Shinji,” Kaworu smiled that same beautiful smile that he always had. “but why are you so sad?” he asked stroking a tear from Shinji's cheek. “Is this not what you want?”
“No, no it is but..” Shinji knew it was pointless, he knew this was a dream, but he needed to tell someone. “It won’t last forever, will it?” Kaworu cocked his head to one side, still smiling.
“I don’t understand, Shinji”
“Kaworu, I’m dying.” He said, tears rolling down his cheeks. “And this is just a dream, a hallucination brought on by what’s in my head!” Shinji stuttered as the lump in his throat grew larger and the tears in his eyes flowed faster. “I know this is a dream but I just don’t care anymore” He wiped away the tears in his eyes, “I need you”
Kaworu smiled, knelt and then stood up between Shinji's legs.
“In that case,” he stretched out a hand to Shinji, “have you changed your mind, Will you come with me this time, Shinji Ikari?”
Shinji nodded, took Kaworu’s hand and stood, fingers locked tightly with his lovers’, in the middle of the valley.
“Where are we going?” he asked hopefully. Kaworu pointed in the direction he had come
“Just over that hill” he looked at Shinji and smiled once more “Are you sure you don’t want to leave?” Shinji wavered for a second, looked at Kaworu’s delicate face and nodded forcefully.
“Let’s go” he said, balling his loose hand into a tight fist, apprehensive of what lay past the rolling green. They walked slowly together though the dense grass and fragrant blooms, hands still clasped together, Kaworu questioning Shinji about his life, Shinji obliging with the most honest answers he’d given to anyone in his life. He felt so at peace. Deep in his heart something clicked and he felt warm, for the first – and probably last, time in his life. He was home. He gave Kaworu’s hand a gentle squeeze as they walked on in blissful silence further and further up the hill. When they reached the top they stopped. Kaworu, hand in his pocket as always, stood looking at Shinji – whose face was fixed in shock.
Shinji looked at Kaworu, tears once again in his eyes.
“Why? Why here?” his voice was thick with agony
“Because this is where it must be” Kaworu said in that distant and disturbingly omnipotent tone of his, as he looked out over the sea. “I am presuming from your reaction that you remember this place?” Shinji gulped and nodded.
“I used to come here every day, whenever” he stopped as he tried to stifle the lump in his throat once more, “whenever I missed you, whenever-whenever I was feeling guilty”
“Do you still feel guilty, Shinji?”
“All the time,” he sighed, a tear falling from his sodden lashes. Kaworu turned to face Shinji and placed a cool hand on his cheek, wiping the tear away with his thumb.
“I forgive you, Shinji” He placed his other hand on Shinji's other cheek and kissed him gently, “don’t hate yourself any more. I remove your crime, for my own sake, and forget your sins.” Shinji nodded silently. “Do you wish to continue now? Or do you want to leave?” Kaworu enquired.
“Let’s keep going” Shinji murmured meekly, taking Kaworu’s hand in his own once more.
The beach was clearer than Shinji remembered it and for the first time in over ten years, the sun was shining. The water glistened like precious gems under a burning yellow spotlight. Kaworu lead him towards the centre of the beach. They sat together in the setting sun, arms around each other, looking out at the shimmering sea with its faintly orange glow. Shinji rested his head on Kaworu’s shoulder and held his free hand tightly between them. Shinji felt pure bliss as the last of the sun disappeared over the horizon.
The next morning a voice could be heard across the beach, it was a shrill female voice that sounded like its owner had been crying and shouting for hours. In the dim morning light two figures were visible. One was crouched over the other crying.
“Shinji, oh Shinji” Misato cried over and over, hand on her eyes. Shinji Ikari sat in the sand, face fixed in a peaceful smile staring out to sea. A line of red ran from the inner corner of one eye down to his lips. Next to his lifeless form sat a small bunch of flowers - the most brilliant coloured orchids, lilacs and roses wrapped in ivy, their delicate honey fragrance carried across the salty sea air for miles.
End
