So I've decided to break up with Billy, my boyfriend of 14 months, which I must admit is not a decision I foresaw myself making.
I was going to break up with him yesterday, but I chickened out. Then I had a few long talks with my friends Alana and Josh. I always knew I could trust Alana, but talking to Josh was an incredible help. I guess we're closer friends than I thought. They both said the same thing too, which helped stregthen my resolve.
Anyway, then I was going to do it today, but today there was no school because our county has this tradition going back some 160 years or so that we all get out of work and school to attend fair. So I didn't see him today.
I had a good day though. I went to fair and hung out with Josh and his girlfriend and my friend Rebecca. It was a good day. Also, I ran into my friend Ian, who helped me find my way because the fairgrounds are HUGE and I was really lost and trying to find Josh.
So tomorrow I'm going to talk to Billy if he'll listen. I'll explain why I don't want to be with him. I'll give him his ring back, and if he doesn't want it I'll hold onto it until I feel like throwing it away. (Actually, I want to through it in the river like Matthew Good did to his wedding ring, but I'm slightly hopeful/fearful we'll get back together and I'll have to tell him what I did with it.) Then I've just got to hope for the best.
Speaking of Matthew Good, I got his new CD today and theres this one song called "Us Remains Impossible" that made me cry. The chorus goes:
"I know you, so you know me
But us remains impossible
Yeah, us remains impossible
I know you, you know
That I ain't me so
Us remains impossible"
And I decided that I'm not the same person I used to be, but he hasn't realized it. He is probably still the same, but since I've changed, he's been different.
Its hard to explain, and he is my first real boyfriend, and I loved him. Well, I still love him, but in a different way. Like a memory you treasure but don't necessarily want to relive. I want to move on. I don't want to be with the same person forever, I want to meet and love alot of people. I want him to be with someone that he can love like he loved me, someone who will really appreciate him. He's actually pretty close to the "perfect boyfriend" and for a while he was. When we went on dates he was a gentleman, payed for the movie tickets and coffee. He got along with my family really well. He didn't make me feel uncomfortable or threatened and defended when I needed it. I know he's going to make someone very happy, and he's going to be happy too.
Sigh. What a mouthful. I find it easier to beleive what is in writing. This helps I suppose.
I'm ready for this. I'm ready to go and be someone new. I'm tired of who I was. I want to be eccentric and bubbly and spontaneous. Heh, the things that annoy Billy.
Well, thats it. I'm gonna stop babbling now.
Night all.
