This is so strange still..
But I'm getting used to it I guess.
It's not too too bad.
I like... swear I have at least half the symptoms of being bipolar from what wkiipedia says.
I'm not trying to diagnose myself, but I get mood swings like, a lot.
I don't know..
I feel like typing a lengthyish post so I shall tell you why. Hoping my mothers too stupid to find this, even though I blocked hers, and all that shit.
-Onset of symptoms generally occurs in young adulthood.
I'm only 15, that's considered young adulthood.
Signs and symptoms of the depressive phase of bipolar disorder include: persistent feelings of sadness, anxiety, guilt, anger, isolation and/or hopelessness, disturbances in sleep and appetite, fatigue and loss of interest in usually enjoyed activities, problems concentrating, loneliness, self-loathing, apathy or indifference, depersonalization, loss of interest in sexual activity, shyness or social anxiety, irritability, chronic pain (with or without a known cause), lack of motivation, and morbid/suicidal ideation.[15] In severe cases, the individual may become psychotic, a condition also known as severe bipolar depression with psychotic features.
Persistant, it's like constant or like always having it right? More often then not I do feel sad and I blame myself for everything so that's guilt. I do isolate myself and don't put myself out there.Hopelessness like I'm not going to get anywhere in life. I can never sleep when I'm tired, so could that be a disturbance in sleep? I don't like doing a bunch of stuff I used to like. I've always had problems concentrating... like I'll be talking to someone and my mind will be running and I won't catch a thing they say. I always feel lonely cause I never have anyone with me. I have hated myself for so long, everything about me. I am shy and don't like being around a lot of people. Apathy, I don't show emotion of things other would think are exciting or moving. I do get irritable at plenty things, like my neighbor the other day, or when people bitch at me and all that. Ideation.. I do think about suicide and gruesome, gloomy things.
As for the manic part, elevated, irritable mood state. Increase in energy and decreased need of sleep. The other night that happened, when I got wicked hyper and didn't wanna go to bed and stayed up most the night. My mind always has a infinite thoughts racing through it. I usually get easily distracted. Does taking a bunch of IB Profuen (however that's spelled) pills count? Though I stopped that, occasionally I take a few too many tylenol as well. Only things we have.. I do get aggressive at times.
But Hypomania is up there too.. it's a less extreme form of mania. Sometimes I can just start laughing my ass off for no reason. "During an episode, one might feel an uncontrollable impulse to laugh at things he or she does not normally find funny" Fit it. Always the occasional increase in energy yet again can happen.
On to mixed state.. Symptoms of mania and clinical depression. I get agitated, aggressive, confused, impulses, irritable, think about morbid or suicidal things, I sometimes get paranoid about things and all jumpy, racing thoughts all the time, restlessnes never being able to sleep when I want to unless I'm EXTREMELY exhausted. I can shift moods like *snaps* that. Substance abuse.. pills? And self-mutilization.. the cutting I'm mainly stopped with the occasional slip up. Oh, example of impulse, I was talking to someone online, I told them brb and I went down to the bathroom and grabbed scissors and didn't even realize til afterward what I had done to myself.
Something I've never really been open about. "Furthermore some children with histories of abuse or neglect may have Bipolar I Disorder." My dad's hit/kicked/tried pushing me down the stairs/ ripped hair out/help me up with his arm around my neck.. me before, leaves sooooo many bruises. But he doesn't do it anymore.. not really.
As for inheritance, my grandmothers been depressed.. my moms depressed some people in my family have killed themselves. So I'm pretty sure I at least got that from my mothers side of the family. I remember I took the chance of telling my mom I thought I was clinically depressed in 8th grade. She yelled at me for it, then made fun of me basically to everyone in the house.
Sooooo yea. My mom tried telling me once I was bipolar, so I thought.. Hmm maybe she's right. Could explain some thigns couldn't it? So I looked it up.. she made fun of me again for it this morning. -_- Stupid fucking cuntbag. Because I sent her an email with the link to wikipedia saying maybe she was right about it.
EDITTTT---I tink I forgot to addabout how it can be caused by childhood trauma as well. When I was like.. 4 years old I got molested by my dad and brothers karate instrutors daughter. I remember going to the police abot that with my mom. And I hate how Ipass where she used to live almost every day.. multiple times...---
I'm NEVER this open about shit. I kinda want to go to a counselor or something, but I don't because they would tell my parents everything and I have enough issues trusting people with things.If I do ever tell people shit.. I never tell them everything. This is probably the first time I've done that.
Oh well... thats all. i gotta go clean something or my dads gonna be pissed moreso, and I'm starving. Have a nice day people.
Sorry it's soooo long. >_<
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bi_polar_disorder
That's the link if you wanna look at it on wikipedia.
