I knew it was silly and childish to be doing what we were doing, bopping each others’ noses and screwing around with each other. But, I needed it. We needed it. Laughter and fun was good for me, and whenever I was with Jason, I seemed to have more of it than I thought I could have, than I thought I deserved.
I sat across from him laughing and smiling, something I hadn’t done genuinely in a long time. It took a lot for a person to get me to let down my guard enough to make me smile, but with Jason, he did it so easily. I don’t know what it was about him, but he was always making me happy, no matter what he did. I only hoped I was making him feel the same.
Our eyes locked, and I couldn’t help but stare into the very depths of them. The pain and hurt I had connected to when we first met a couple weeks ago was diminishing. It was still there, but not as prevalent. Instead, I could see happiness and a sense of belonging I doubt he’d ever really felt before, and it made me very happy to think he thought he belonged here in this house with my family. With me.
Whenever he looked at me, I could feel a fire in my soul I hadn’t felt since Connor all those years ago. I had thought I locked those emotions away as I didn’t want to be so vulnerable to feel that way for someone again. But, Jason knocked down all of my barriers and just waltzed right in like he owned me, my heart.
Jason had progressed to tickling my sides, and I fell backwards onto the bed. Jason fell on top of me, straddling me to get a better grip on me. Suddenly, it was like we both realized what position we were in and froze. Somehow, I was okay with how we were. I liked the feeling of his legs around me, and I wanted to find out what else I’d like about him.
He was about to get off and pull away, but I pulled the front of his shirt down towards me, when he got close enough, I put my free hand on the back of his neck and pulled his lips down to mine. I didn’t even think; I just did it. I felt him slide his legs down so he was laying half on me half off. He wasn’t expecting it, and it was clear he’d never kissed anyone before, but that made it all the more special for me. A part of me wanted to roll him over and take him right here, but the better part of me realized what I was doing and wanted to freak out.
What was I doing? Taking advantage of some poor kids emotions? That poor kid happened to be the guy I was living with and the guy I was willing to date Connor for. Jason had enough to deal with without adding romance into the equation. He deserved better than me; he was a very good guy.
I pulled away and rolled him onto his back as I got up. I wasn’t really sure what to say or to address what I had just done. “So, my older brother Kaleb is coming to visit. He’s bringing his wife, so you’ll get to meet them. Kaleb and I get along the best, so I can’t wait for him to meet you. He’s really funny. You two should get along really well.”
Jason just nodded, and before things could get more awkward, I disappeared into my room across the hall. Funny how I have been hiding from Jason a lot lately. Oh, why hadn’t he said anything about the kiss? Did that mean he hadn’t liked it? Was he more experienced than me? What was the extent of his knowledge? What did he feel for me?
I couldn’t help but run through in my head what I had just done. I just hoped that I wouldn’t lose a very important friendship over it. Knowing Jason, he’d shrug his shoulder and go about his day unaffected. But a part of me didn’t want that. I wanted to be pursued. After all, I hadn’t felt desirable since before Connor. Throwing myself onto my bed, I screamed into my pillow.
~.~.~.~.~.~
At school the next day, I noticed they were putting up Homecoming posters already. Homecoming was a big deal for the popular women folk. It was their everything, what they’ve been looking forward to all summer. I thought about asking Jason, but after last night, I wasn’t sure how awkward that would be.
I’d wait and play it by ear And see what happens. Suddenly, Connor caught my arm and pulled me off to the side. “I have a surprise for you,” he smiled at me as he dug around in his backpack.
“Connor, I don’t need any of your surprises. I’m really okay,” I assured him.
“No. I think you’ll like this,” he replied as he finally got our what he had been searching for. “It’s our homecoming poster!”
Taking the poster from him, I noticed it was a picture of me in my basketball uniform shooting a three-pointer in a very close game. There was also a picture of him in his football uniform tackling someone. We were facing each other with our names on either side of us. The poster just said to run for us, the schools football and basketball courts.
I shook my head, “Connor, I’m not going to be in the homecoming court. I don’t want you to rally for us to win. It’s not a big deal, and I’m not going to make it one,” I told him.
“What? You want to ask the kid? You ought to know he can’t satisfy you. Not in the way you need, not like I can. I still remember everything about you,” Connor promised me, although it didn’t make me feel any better about myself.
“No, thank you. I mean, I’ll accept it if I get nominated, but I don’t want you to promote it. I don’t want that label on me,” I told him honestly.
He nodded. “Fine, I’ll get rid of the posters, but I’ll get you nominated with me. You have my bet on that.” With that, he turned and bound down the hall. How was I possibly going to turn him down when he tried so hard?
