How did you explain to someone who was very important to you that what you did, even if it wasn't something they agreed with or even liked, was all for them. I wasn't being with Connor because I wanted to. I honestly believed this to be the best way to keep Jason safe, to keep him from being hurt and bullied every day at school.
Jason had been trying so hard to make me smile, to hear my laugh. He wanted me to be happy, genuinely. He wasn’t looking to get anything in return. He wanted what was best for me without thinking about the benefits he would reap from it. He was a good person, a better person than anyone else I had ever known, and I had hurt him. I had hurt him badly.
“Connor, let me go,” I said as I tried to run after Jason. I had to explain what was happening. I didn’t want him to think I didn’t care about him, that I wasn’t thinking about him every time I looked at Connor.
“You’re going to run to him? Why? You’re with me, now, remember?” Connor retorted, although, when I pulled my arm out of his grasp, he dropped his arm.
“No, I’m not. We were going to have a probational period where you were to prove to me how much you’ve changed. We are not together. Not yet,” I replied as I started off running in the direction Jason had gone.
“You love him, don’t you?” Connor called out after me, but I ignored him as I kept running, leaving Connor behind. He could go home on his own without me.
I was a fast runner, so I caught up enough to Jason to see him off in the distance. He was running home, probably to lock himself away into his room, but I wasn‘t going to let him get that far. Not without me having explained my side of the story. I pushed myself faster, pushed myself harder, to the limit. I was catching up, gaining on him now. Jason had no stamina.
“Jason!” I called out as I got close enough to him to reach out and grab his arm. “Let me explain. It wasn’t what it looked like.” I got him to stop, but he didn’t want to look at me. There were tears in his eyes, and that sight was enough to make me want to cry. I held myself together. “Jason, please listen to me,” I begged.
He looked at me finally, and I could see the hurt and pain and anguish swimming in his eyes. All his life he was used to people using him, and I was sure he felt this time was no different. This hurt more because he thought I’d never hurt him. But, I did, and now there was nothing I could do to take it all back.
“W-What is there to ex-explain? You l-like Conner. Th-that’s why y-you kissed him,” Jason replied. He was ringing his hands together, and he was still having a hard time looking at me.
“Let me get one thing straight, okay? He kissed me. I did not kiss him. And the reason he did that is because it’s part of the deal I made,” I admitted. I wasn’t sure how much I should actually tell Jason, but I figured if I didn’t tell him the truth, he’d only come to hate me later because of it. Even if he knew of the whole deal, he wasn’t about to talk me out of it.
“W-What deal?”
“The deal I made with Connor. I told him if he would quit bullying you in the time it took for your ribs to heal, I’d go out with him.” I continued when it looked like Jason was going to interrupt. “But, I’m going to find a way out of it before then so I don’t actually have to go out with him. Jason, I’m doing this, and you can’t stop me. It is my job to protect you even if you don’t agree with me.”
“S-So, you d-don’t have feelings f-for him?” he asked, the tears stopped falling.
I shook my head, “No, I don’t. I did at one time, though,” I admitted. “I don’t want Connor to use this against us later, so I might as well tell you the whole truth now. Connor was the first boyfriend I have ever had. We were together for three years. His mother died early last year, and he never really got over it. He changed into a completely different person, the person he is now. He used to be really kind and caring. I tried for six months to stay by his side and help him through it, but I couldn’t handle the anger. He shoved me a couple of times, and I finally had enough. So, I left and he’s hated me ever since for abandoning him. I didn’t want to leave him, but he was no longer the same guy I had grown to know and love. I couldn’t do it anymore.”
“Y-You two have quite the h-history,” Jason noted.
I nodded in agreement. “I have history with almost everyone at my school, but the past is the past. Nothing I can do about it. You’re very important to me, Jason.”
“I d-don’t want you pr-protecting me. I can handle m-myself. I need to do this o-on my own,” Jason retorted.
“I know you can do it, but I don’t want you to have to do it,” I told him. “there is nothing worse than watching the ones you care about being torn out from underneath your grasp while you sat there doing nothing.”
“I’m s-still not happy a-about this,” Jason admitted.
“I know you aren’t. But this is how it has to be, and you can’t change my mind, and I’ve already told Connor not to listen to any proposition you might bring him. This is my school, Jason. And I’m going to handle everything.” I started walking away towards the house.
“W-why do you d-do that?” Jason asked suddenly.
I turned to look at him. “Do what?”
“W-walk away. Whenever y-you want to have the l-last word or want to end the c-conversation, you w-walk away. You can’t w-walk away from everything.”
“I’m not talking about this, Jason.”
“T-Tell me one th-thing.” He waited for my approval, and when he got it, he continued, “D-Did you f-feel anything when w-we kissed?” His face turned a bit red even asking the question.
I frowned, not sure how to answer. “Jason, that was an accident, and it happened so fast.” I was about to turn around again.
“Th-That didn’t answer m-my question.”
I stopped and looked at him. “I felt the pain of our mouths smacking together.” With that, I turned and went up to my room. I was afraid to tell him the whole truth. I couldn’t stand admitting aloud, even to myself. I needed to know he felt the same and wouldn’t hurt me. Lying would have been so much easier, but I’m no liar.
Because the truth was, I felt more about our brief, accidental kiss than I did with Connor’s passionate, intended kiss.
