I'm not going to lie, it's been getting easier to hide from myself and expressing my feelings. Internally, however, I still feel broken, empty, depressed, I still feel that I just can't move on. And we've been having really great conversations and it's definitely progressing, but that's not what's keeping me from being in love with her. We could totally never talk to each other again and I'd still be into her. What's keeping these feelings around is the fact that she really was the best person and I mean the best in my life. Yeah, we fought and at times it just seemed like everything was going to shit, but she kept holding on because we knew it was going to get better over time.
I was having a really really deep conversation with a few of my friends last night over Xbox. Like these people are probably the closest friends I have. They've been so supportive about a lot of things that I've been going through and have had my back for a long time. Anyways, it started with my friend Lance asking how my girl and I have been. He wasn't too informed about the things that had happened so he didn't really know what happened. But I told him we broke up and he asked what happened and... well I don't know why but I just opened up, like OPENED UP as if my chest ripped itself open and my heart just spilled all over the floor for them to see. I cried in front of them, I broke down so badly, I was so vulnerable... and it's not like I intended to become so vulnerable during it all. I would tell them that like almost anything triggers something in my mind. Like fuck certain songs in the car, my dogs looking for her when her name is said, even just locations that I pass and notice like fucking Dairy Queen! Like seriously... and it's not even that big of a triggered reaction. I see it or hear it or whatever and I just feel bad. My mood changes from whatever to quiet. But I mean, how can I not have that happen. I've known the girl for 5-6 years now and we were growing closer and closer throughout it. So, of course it's going to be super hard for me to just get over it. Of course it's going to be hard to not mentally dwell on what we had. Of course I want to cry all the time because we aren't together anymore. But I don't. Because I can't allow myself to do that. What am I going to gain if I just sit there and sob? That's why when I'm not alone I hide. When I am alone I run from myself. Because if I don't, then I'm fucked.
Everyone here misses her, besides my real life friends, well some of them. Some actually do miss her, but fuck the ones that don't. I'm not close to them much anymore anyways. What sucks is before we broke up, I was thinking of the things she would get to do that I've been doing. What I mean by that is like these parties my parents and family have like during Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc. plus I really wanted to take her on that Halloween zombie tour, where you're buddied up and you get a paintball gun and a flashlight and you go through this maze or woods and shoot "zombies" which are just people in make up. And I wanted to take her to The 13th Gate. I had all that in my mind, and now that it's getting towards those times I realize over and over that she can't now. My family loved her and I had to ruin it...
It's all just suck. Just like a big suck.
