Good news... ish... bleh? To those who have been concerned, yes I'm doing better. I still have depression issues going on, but not as bad as it was a few months back. Yes, I still have feelings lingering around and it'll probably be a good while before those start drifting away. I just try not to think about them a lot everyday. There has yet to be a day where I haven't thought about my feelings and such one way or another. But I'm just trying to get through the days, occupying myself with whatever I can.
Bad news... I'm really concerned about the little silky terrier companion that's been in my life for about 15 years now. He's been eating a lot less these past couple of days... I have a small feeling it'll be time soon... which is going to trigger a lot of grief in me... and I'm probably going to revert back to being alone and miserable... why does everyone have to leave me so abruptly? Yes, I'm considering a two year span small because it is in a person's life cycle if they live a full life. I mean I lost my grandfather last year, I lost my girlfriend a few months back, I lost a family friend about a month ago from cancer as well, now I fear I'm going to lose my dog soon. I really, really don't need this right now. I'm already fucked up as it is in my life right now. And I don't wanna hear this "Well you're not really trying to pursue anything right now" bullshit because if you'd fucking step in my shoes I've been having a lot more than death going on in my life. Sorry, I'm just really tense right now and worried about my little buddy... Hell earlier today I had him lying with me on my bed and I swear he took the longest time to take another breath after a long exhale... and what can I do? Nothing, but to love him and continue on as if he's going to live on forever. Sometimes, I wish he was dead. Not because it's unbearable to deal with knowing he doesn't have much longer, but because he's having such a hard time standing straight, walking straight, controlling his bladder and now eating... it's more of I feel so sad for him. He's been so so so healthy throughout his life and then literally this past year and a little over he's been struggling and it's just progressively getting worse... I'm scared that I'm going to wake up, walk out in the living room, see him, pet him and feel how cold he'll be... or find him in his doghouse bed in my parent's room and not come out when I call him...
my dad's probably going to take it worse mentally than I will. He's technically his dog, his very first dog he bought on his own. All the other pets we've had, my mom bought. But this was "DAD'S DOG" pretty much. He even told me that if we were to ever need to put him down, that if it became too unbearable, I was the one to take him to the vet... because he wouldn't be able to... the thing is... I don't think I'd be able to do it... that car ride... seeing his face... it'd be the last time I'd see it... I don't think any of us would be able to... that dog brought so much joy to all of us........ And I just can't see another animal family member die... I've lost my first dog to a car, my cat to a stomach disease... and I'm going to lose another one soon...
Heh, I wasn't expecting to have this post be so sorrowful... sorry about that...
