Chapter 32
“Naoyuki, you’re back!” Taki comes running out to him from the school entrance and skids to a stop a foot in front of him. “Good to see you! Are you feeling better?” Taki whisks his backpack off and lifts it over her shoulder. “Man, this is heavy!” she exclaims. “How do you even haul this into your mom’s car in the morning?!” She stares down at Naoyuki and gently pulls his hat up over his messy hair. “I told you before, if you were just sick, you should stay warm. Sheesh, take better care of yourself, Naoyuki!”
Naoyuki stares back up at her from under his hood. He follows as she turns around and starts off for the school. “Taki,” he calls out softly.
She turns back and looks down at him questioningly. “What is it?” she asks.
Naoyuki starts to speak up, but finds himself unable to say anything. He lowers his head and mutters, “Nothing.” He couldn’t ask her. Even though he’d like nothing more than to escape to her house for an afternoon, he knows what his father would do. He would never be allowed to hang out with Taki again if his father had his way. Naoyuki passes Taki and trudges up the school walkway.
“Is something wrong?” Taki asks as she catches up and falls in step with Naoyuki.
Naoyuki shakes his head ‘no’. “Can we do study hall today?” he asks.
Taki smiles a little. “Yeah, of course,” she replies, relieved that maybe she was wrong about Naoyuki throwing in the towel. But then she thinks back to what Ikuo told her on Friday about their parents having a full-blown fight in front of the two of them and wonders if Naoyuki was really all right. “Are you sure nothing’s wrong?” she asks. “You don’t seem like yourself.” She watches Naoyuki nod and heaves a sigh. She couldn’t bring it up. She doesn’t want to hurt Naoyuki by asking about his parents’ fight. But she senses that something isn’t right about him; something was definitely bothering him.
“Soejima!” calls a tall girl running toward them.
Taki stops to face her, and Naoyuki does the same. “Ogata-senpai,” Taki says, blinking at the girl in surprise. “What’s wrong?”
The girl stops and stares down at Naoyuki, her brow furrowing. “I see you have your dog with you,” she comments stingingly. “Our coach moved practice to today for this week. Kind of an emergency. Is he going to be a problem?”
Naoyuki recoils and backs away from Taki.
“Hey, what’s your deal, Ogata?!” Taki yells. “Naoyuki’s got nothing to do with the basketball team. So stop picking on him!”
The girl indignantly stands up straight and puts her hands on her hips. “Look, Soejima,” she raises her voice, whipping her light ponytail around as she turns her hard glare between Taki and Naoyuki. “If my team’s ace player is stupid enough to get herself into trouble with the school over her mute puppy, how’s that gonna show on our record? Quit it with the charity, already, and think of the team!”
“So that’s what this is about? That time I got detention and didn’t show for practice?” Taki steps up in the captain’s face and says, “Pin that on me if you want to, but not Naoyuki! Sorry about your stupid record!” Taki turns away and takes Naoyuki’s hand. “Come on, let’s go before we’re late to class.”
Naoyuki frowns. She’s doing it again, he thinks. You don’t have to get yourself in trouble because of me. “Don’t,” he says, pulling his hand away. “I don’t want you to hurt because of me,” he mumbles.
“Naoyuki, don’t let the cap’ get to you,” Taki tells him. “It’s no big deal.”
“Yes, it is!” Naoyuki blurts out. He blushes as he feels the eyes of the people milling through the halls on him. “Basketball matters to you,” he murmurs. “I don’t wanna be the reason your team does bad..or you get in trouble with the senpai...”
“Naoyuki...” Taki shakes off her surprise and kneels down, putting her hands on his shoulders. “Listen. Basketball could never mean more to me than you do. So don’t worry about it. It’s no big deal. Okay?”
Naoyuki pulls away and shakes his head wildly. “It’s not okay!” he cries before he takes off down the hallway with Taki staring after him.
“Naoyuki...!” Taki lets her hand fall as she watches him disappear around a corner. Slowly, she gets back to her feet and heaves a sigh. “Naoyuki...” She stares down the hallway, frowning. You’re so concerned about hurting others,...but what about you? I know it hurts you to be alone – to have to shoulder everything by yourself... A voice behind Taki cuts into her thoughts, and she whirls around to face the basketball captain.
“I take that back,” she says. “I guess you’re his dog – guarding him and carrying all his stuff for him like that. How’s it feel to be led around by a leash then have him snap it and abandon you?”
Taki glares at the captain and grips the strap of Naoyuki’s backpack. “Stay out of this, Ogata,” she says pointedly. “It’s none of your business.”
“Mute/Retard-Kondo only talks to you. Why’s that?” Ogata presses.
Taki bristles and struggles to keep her fists locked. She can’t help being reminded of what Naoyuki told her that day when he broke down in study hall. “I hate those words; everyone makes fun of me with those words. Why would he say that to me if he doesn’t hate me?” Taki can’t keep her tongue in check. “Don’t call him that! Naoyuki’s not dumb, not in any meaning of the word! The only reason he doesn’t talk is because people like you hurt him!!” She quickly cuts herself off. She’d said too much. People were gawking, listening.
“So you plan on babysitting your master forever?” Ogata says trenchantly. “He’s kind of cruel, isn’t he? He pushed you away. Go ahead, chase him if you want; but he’ll never accept you. Think about it. Where is he now? Is he here for you to hide behind?”
“You – !!”
“Face it, Soejima. He’s just a selfish brat. You’re wasting your time defending him.”
At that moment, all Taki can think about is Naoyuki crying over the friends he blamed himself for hurting. “I – I was selfish... I almost..got them...” No, you’re not. He’s not. If only I could’ve told him then... All he cares about is if they’re all right. It’s not his fault. And these people...know nothing about him... Before she realizes it, her fist is flying through the air toward the basketball captain when a teacher comes stomping out of his room and through the mass of bystanders.
“Hey, break it up!!” he shouts, forcing Taki’s fist down. “Get to class, all of you!” The bystanders disperse and go their separate ways. “You two, I’ll let you off with a warning!” the teacher tells Taki and Ogata. “Next time, it’s detention! Now off with you!”
Taki turns and strides off down the locker-lined hallway. I need to give this back to Naoyuki, she thinks, gripping the strap of his backpack. She stops short. There he was, right in front of her. Had he been hanging around in the hall the whole time? Had he seen all that – could he have heard it, too? He has his head hung; he was shaking and sniffling.
“You’re so stupid...” Naoyuki whimpers. “Sh – She’s right... You don’t have to stick up for someone like me... I couldn’t even come out with you...I just hid and cried...!”
Taki bends down to his level and puts her arms around him. “I wouldn’t expect you to protect me,” she says. “It’s okay.”
“Stop saying that..! It’s not okay!” Naoyuki cries.
Taki smiles. “You’re not selfish,” she says. “What you said just now proves it, see? All you care about is your friends. What happened to the others – to that girl, Haruko, and your other friend – It wasn’t your fault, Naoyuki.”
Naoyuki breaks out bawling and suddenly starts shaking. “Naoyuki, are you all right?” Taki cries in alarm as she backs off a little, her hands still on him, and watches him curl in his arms and clench his hands. His eyes widen, and he suddenly starts screaming so loud, she barely notices the school bell ring. “Naoyuki!” Taki cries. She picks him up and carries him to the main hall and to the infirmary. “Help!” she cries as she approaches the nurses’ desk.
The nurse gets up from her seat and approaches her. “Give him here, and I’ll take a look at him. Is he hurt?”
“No, I don’t think so,” Taki replies.
The nurse tries to take Naoyuki from Taki, and he screams even louder, kicking and frantically trying to grab hold on Taki’s arms. “No..!!” he gasps. “Don’t leave me!!” He was absolutely hysterical – and growing more so by the second, so frenetic he couldn’t even catch his breath. He was succeeding in escaping the nurse’s grip, but he must’ve been half-delusional from a lack of air.
“Naoyuki, calm down!” Taki cries. “I’m right here!”
“Go and get Mr. Ikeda from the health room!” the nurse pleads as she tries to get Naoyuki under control.
Taki fears what might happen if she were to leave. That is when everything suddenly stops: Naoyuki’s screaming and kicking and flailing instantaneously halt. His eyes start to ease shut. His face goes blank. His breathing slows. It was like what happened back when he tried to tell her about his friends and suddenly bashed his head into the wall – that frightening half-consciousness that the injury caused. “Naoyuki!?” she cries. She turns to the nurse and asks, “Is he all right?!”
“Just go and get Mr. Ikeda!” the nurse commands her again.
This time, Taki turns and makes a mad dash for Ikeda’s classroom. She flings the door open; all heads inside turn toward her. “Soejima?” Ikeda asks, looking surprised and at the same time, worried.
“Sorry for interrupting!” Taki cries. “But please help, Mr. Ikeda! Come, quick!”
“Excuse me,” Taki hears Ikeda say, then footsteps hurrying behind her.
Taki races back to the infirmary with Ikeda only a few steps behind. “It’s Naoyuki,” she pants as she stops just inside the doorway.
Ikeda strides quickly to the relieved nurse at Naoyuki’s bedside. “Both of you, please tell me what happened,” Ikeda requests.
“We were in the hallway, and I was talking to him,” Taki replies, still panting a little. Once she catches her breath, she continues, “I mentioned his friends, and he suddenly just lost it and started screaming and bawling. I brought him here, the nurse asked me to give Naoyuki to her, and then he really went postal...and then, suddenly, he winds up like this! – No head-slamming this time, just...” She gestures toward Naoyuki laying in the bed. “... this. I still think he was half-nuts because he’d worked himself up into a frenzy until he could barely breathe...He was screaming stuff like, ‘Don’t leave me,’ even though I was right there the whole time – I was just giving him to the nurse...”
Ikeda turns to the nurse. “What’s his condition now?” he asks.
“His breathing and heart rate have returned to normal,” the nurse replies. “He won’t respond to anything, but otherwise, he seems to be fine. I’ve never seen anything like it before.”
Ikeda stares pensively down at Naoyuki. “He usually responds to touch,” he says, “but you’ve been handling him since he became like this, and he hasn’t snapped out of it yet.” He reaches out and shakes Naoyuki slightly. No response. What will happen if he’s left like this? he wonders. “Perhaps it would be best if he were allowed to rest. This state seems to be stress-induced. Let him calm down and sleep.” He turns to Taki and stares at her for a moment. “He said ‘Don’t leave me,’ huh?” he finally asks, to which Taki responds with a nod. “Stay here with him. You’ll be given a pass.”
“Thank you.” Taki watches Ikeda turn and leave. The nurse scuttles back to her seat. Taki pulls up a chair and sits next to Naoyuki’s bed. She worriedly stares at his expressionless face, leftover tears still streaming from his half-closed eyes. “Can you really not hear me?” Taki asks quietly. “Naoyuki?” No answer. He responds..to touch, Mr. Ikeda said. Thinking back on it, Naoyuki did appear to be extra-sensitive to anyone touching him. Yeah. That makes sense, Taki concludes. She puts her hand out, but hesitates. If she did wake him up, that wouldn’t be good; Mr. Ikeda said Naoyuki should rest. But wasn’t Naoyuki already kind of awake anyway? Taki lowers her hand and touches Naoyuki’s palm gently. His fingers twitch. The expression returns to his face as he turns his head to look at her. Taki heaves a sigh of relief. “Welcome back.”
Naoyuki blinks confusedly at her. “What happened?” he asks.
“Huh? You don’t remember?” Naoyuki shakes his head. That’s scary, Taki thinks. “Well..anyway...Mr. Ikeda says he wants you to stay here and get some rest. He says you’re too stressed-out.”
Naoyuki nods. “See you later...”
“I’m staying here with – ”
Naoyuki shakes his head. “Don’t miss class ‘cause of me.”
Taki frowns. Does he not even remember what happened in the hallway? she wonders. “Naoyuki,...you matter more to me than my grades or basketball. Can’t you see I’m worried? Ikuo told me your parents fought in front of you...You were acting really weird earlier; I know something’s bothering you. I’m worried about you, Naoyuki.”
Naoyuki frowns. “They fought again..yesterday,” he murmurs. “It’s my fault... I wish I never came here...” He curls up under the blanket and squints his eyes shut. “...but I can’t take it back... I already...”
Taki puts her hand over his little fist, which gradually unclenches as he calms down. Taki brushes her hand across his face. It isn’t long before he really falls to sleep. “You were tired, huh?” Taki whispers. “Don’t worry. I won’t go anywhere.”
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“I’m calling it a ‘shutdown’ state,” Ikeda’s voice echoes in the large, open classroom.
Kazunori puts down his bags at one of the long tables, then walks down to the first level. “Shutdown?” he asks. “What are you talking about?”
“The panic attacks that your aunt keeps saying Naoyuki has,” Ikeda replies. “After he has them, he stops moving and doesn’t respond to stimuli. I saw it for the first time when I had my second appointment with the Kondo family yesterday. And for the second time this morning.”
“Wait...” Kazu’s eyes widen with realization. “Did you say he becomes unresponsive? Then wouldn’t that be like what I told you about in my report – ?”
“That’s right,” Ikeda replies. “It’s happening in a different context now, but it’s the same. It seems to be triggered by stress, as you said in your report. I think Naoyuki’s suffering from PTSD flashbacks. The flashbacks make him panic, and that panic builds until he has to shut down to get himself back under control.”
“Then it’s a self-defense mechanism?”
Ikeda nods. “When he’s under so much physical and/or emotional stress that he can’t handle it, he has to attain some kind of equilibrium. That’s when the ‘shutdown’ state kicks in. It allows him to block out whatever stimuli are causing him to go into emotional overload until everything returns to normal. In other words, it gives him an opportunity to reset.”
“So now it’s being brought on by PTSD flashbacks...” Kazu muses.
“It seems that injuring his head was jolting him into ‘shutdown’,” Ikeda continues. “Now he’s able to shut down at will.”
“You mean he wasn’t able to bring it on at will before? I’d never heard of him bashing his head before now,” Kazu points out.
“Perhaps...the injury brought it on faster. If he was looking for rapid relief...”
“I see,” Kazu murmurs.
“So that’s the size of it, from what I can see right now,” Ikeda says as he unpacks his briefcase. “But it also raises some disturbing questions. Are there side effects? What happens if he remains in ‘shutdown’ for an extended period of time? That’s what worries me the most, in light of the fact that the ‘shutdown’ state seems to affect his respiration and heart rate... Also, what affects does ‘shutdown’ have on his brain? What’s happening to his body during ‘shutdown’? – that’s the bottom line. In reality, it could be dangerous. It’s similar to dissociation or catatonia in trauma victims.”
“Partial consciousness…Like dissociation...only more dangerous. So then,..if it’s his defense mechanism,...how can we convince Naoyuki to stop doing it?”
“I doubt we could,” Ikeda says warily. “It’s an automatic reaction, ingrained into him now. It would be extremely difficult for him to unlearn the behavior and replace it.” He falls into a pensive silence for a moment as he looks over Kazu’s report. “I wonder how long he’s been using the ‘shutdown’? For it to be automatic,...he’s probably been doing it for years...”
“Ms. Matsuda said that even when she brought Naoyuki back from the boys’ home, he was unresponsive like that – ‘an empty shell,’ she said. That was the first time she’d seen it. Yet,..he was apparently functioning close to normal – he was going to school and walking around and eating...He doesn’t do that when he shuts down.”
“At first, he was simply despondent,” Ikeda corrects him. “Perhaps it was difficult for Ms. Matsuda to differentiate the two. As I said, ‘shutdown’ is similar, but more severe than being catatonic – perhaps you could describe it as an acute state of unresponsiveness.”
“Thankfully, so far, the ‘shutdowns’ don’t last long,” Kazu says.
“‘So far’ being the operating words,” Ikeda brings out. “That’s what I’m worried about. We don’t know what would happen to Naoyuki if he were to remain in a ‘shutdown’ state for an elongated period of time. So far, he’s always come out of it within a matter of minutes – usually in response to touch, though – ”
“A gentle touch,” Kazu puts in. “He doesn’t respond to a touch unless he can sense some kind of feeling behind it – like warmth. A simple tap on the shoulder or shake usually won’t cut it for him – at least not from what I’ve seen. It has to be substantial.” Kazu pauses, thinks for a moment. If he doesn’t get that,..what will happen to him? Can he come out of the ‘shutdown’ state on his own? “So what do we do?”
“Examine the stressors,” Ikeda answers, “and reduce them as much as possible.”
“In other words, we have to deal with his PTSD,” Kazu surmises, “and soon.”
“The problem is that Naoyuki won’t talk about his stresses,” Ikeda tells him. “I tried, and his mother tried. Both tries resulted in panic attacks and ‘shutdowns’. The flashbacks must be severe – apparently, even mentioning the two who were injured in the car accident triggers them. Asking him to draw or write about anything related to the accident makes it worse. His is a highly sensitive case to work. The other angles we have to deal with are his schoolwork..and his father. I believe his father is the more pressing of the two at the moment.”
“Agreed.” Kazu frowns. “But Uncle Hiroto..is also a difficult case to crack. He’s hard to predict, and getting him under control is harder. I still can’t believe that he’d...hit Naoyuki when he’s down like this.”
“He wants Naoyuki to magically return to normal – expects too much out of that emotionally-damaged child. Though his motives aren’t wrong in themselves, he pushes Naoyuki too hard.”
Ikeda sees more of his students start entering the large college classroom and glances up at the clock It is almost time for class to begin. “We’ll have to talk more later,” Ikeda tells Kazu. “Please take your seat, Kazunori.”
“Professor,” Kazu asks before he turns to go back to his seat, “did that second appointment with the Kondos go well?”
“I got some good insights,” Ikeda replies, “but also more questions – questions that only Naoyuki can answer.”
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Taki takes one look at Naoyuki and drops her books in the snow. She launches toward him and throws her arms on his shoulders. “Naoyuki, you look terrible!” she cries. “What happened to you?! You shouldn’t even have come to school, looking like that!” She brushes her hand across his bruised face. “Naoyuki, turn around and find your mom before she leaves – !”
“I wanted to come,” Naoyuki murmurs. He reaches out and clings onto Taki’s arm. Pulls closer and clutches her shirt. “I don’t wanna go back. I don’t like it there,” he whimpers. “Not with Papa there.”
“Naoyuki...”
“Let’s go. I promise I won’t run away anymore.”
Taki is stunned; she wants to say something, but can’t manage to get out the words. She settles for gently pulling Naoyuki’s hood up over his head, then taking his hand. She feels him flinch; his still-healing scraped hand, too, was bruised purple. Taki puts her arm around his back and gently herds him up the walkway beside her.
