Well, Scrub My Face With A Brillo Pad! Emmah

Summary: A mad diary, a mad holiday, mad boyfriends, even madder friends, and completely insane Stalag 14? It could only be Georgia Nicolson's diary for when she gets into 6th form!

A/N: So, this is my one and only fanfiction for that fantastic series of books, 'Confessions Of Georgia Nicolson'! This doesn't actually have a category on TheO, so it's had to be put under 'other books' *sadness*. Um, if you've never read the 'Confessions Of Georgia Nicolson, I suggest you do. They are fantastic. The first book is called 'Angus, Thongs And Full-Frontal Snogging'. ALSO! If you are not familiar with the Snogging Scale, then you can see it HERE (Click the link).

Anyway, enjoy!


Chapter 1

I Sense A Lack Of Sleep And Fringeyness Coming My Way…

Saturday August 9th

10.01 am

It is the Summer holidays, and I am as lonely as a clud. No one is in the house except for me. And Angus. And Gordy. And Naomi. But they don’t really count as company, because they are too busy botty-grooming each other. Which I think is quite disgusting. And incestuous.

I may phone my chums to see where they are this fine day. It really is fine, too. Nice and sunny and warm. Not rainy and merde like it was last week.

Phoned Jas.



“No. I’m not here.”

“Oh, ha ha, my little pal. Very funny.”

“I thought so.”

“Well, you would. You have the brain of an oversized mole.”

“Georgia, that is not a very nice thing to say.”

“It is. I’m saying that you have a bigger brain than a normal sized mole. Hahaha.”

“Did you want something?”

“Yes, a new nose would be fab, thanks. But for I’ll settle with wanting to know if you want to meet up with the gang and go and sunbathe.”

“No, I can’t Georgia. Me and Tom are going out to the woods.”

“To go to a teddy bear’s picnic?”

“Oh, don’t be silly, Georgia. Now, if that’s all, I have to go and get ready. Goodbye.”

She just put the phone down on me! That’s it, I will be ignorez-vousing her with a firm hand. And foot.

5 minutes later

Phoned Rosie.



“What are you doing?”

“Currently, I am balancing on one foot, whilst singing the national anthem in my head.”

“Oh. So you’re not doing much, then?”


“Well, how about this. We round up the gang, minus Jas, and go down the park to sunbathe?”

“Sounds like a plan. Can we use lassos?”

“If you want. You can even wear your beard. Meet me by the loos near school in 15 minutes.”

“Err, school. Do we have to meet there?”

“Do you want to wear your beard or not?”

“Loos by the school it is.”


10.25 am

Huff huff, pant pant. I’m a little late to meet Rosie, as the cats decided to ambush me as I was leaving. I had to bash Angus and Gordy off my legs with the broom, and then I ran for it.

“You’re late.”

I looked up to see a beard-wearing Rosie.

“Do you really have to wear that thing in public?”

“You said I could wear it.”

“Yes, but now we’re going to be walking around finding the rest of the gang.”

“Yeah, and? It’s not like they haven’t seen my beard before.”

I cannot win with her. She is impossible. Anyway, to save myself from the madness of any more beard-talk, I motioned for Rosie to follow me, and we ambled off to find the rest of the Ace Gang (except Jas). Rosie whipped her mobile phone and pipe out.

“Why have you brought your pipe?”

“Where the beard goes, the pipe goes.”

“Why have you whipped out your phone?”

“Because, as you know, Ellen lives on the other side of town, and heaving this luggage around with us would knacker us out if we were to heave it across to Ellen’s house. So I am phoning her to meet us at the park.”

“What luggage?”

“You’re full of questions today, aren’t you Miss Inquisitorial?”

“Do you even know what ‘inquisitorial’ means?”

Rosie just gave me her cross-eyed look as a response to that.

“Our luggage is our nunga-nungas. You have to admit, Gee, that yours are not small.”

“Yes, yes, I have been told that many times, and I still blame my mother.”

End of conversation. We soon arrived at Mabs’ house, as she doesn’t live that far from the school, unfortunately for her. Rosie knocked on the door, and put her pipe in her mouth. She is quite sensationally mad. Mabs’ Mum answered the door.

“Oh, hi, Georgia, and, erm… Rosie. Do I even want to ask why you have a pipe and are wearing a beard?”

“I am displaying hidden masculinity. Is Mabs home?” Rosie replied.

“She, erm, is. Come in. She’s in her room,” Mabs’ Mum said, and let us in.

If she’d dithered anymore, Ellen would’ve had competition for Dithering Queen. We had a race up the stairs (me and Rosie, not me and Mabs’ Mum), and burst into Mabs’ room. She was sat there on her bed, looking at us as though we were aliens.

“Mabs, darling! How are you this fine morrow?” Rosie asked, sucking on her pipe.

“Er, fine, thank you. What are you two doing here?” Mabs said.

“Well, I had an idea to round up the Ace Gang, and we’ll all go down to the park and sunbathe,” I smiled my most attractive smile.

“Damn, that reminds me, I forgot my lassos,” Rosie said.

“Please tell me you don’t actually have lassos,” I said.

“Of course I do. Me and Sven use them to-”

“Stop right there! We don’t want to know!” I interrupted. Rosie pouted and sat on the bed next to Mabs.

“May I enquire as to what you were doing before we barged in?” Rosie asked her.

“Not a lot. Just reading a magazine,” Mabs replied. “But, I could’ve been doing something really important, like snogging, and you just burst in!”

“Yes, well, you weren’t were you? Now, get your shoes on. You’re coming with us to Jools’ house,” Rosie said, putting her pipe back in her mouth.

One pair of shoes, one mad quick conversation between Rosie and Mabs’ Mum about the quality of Rosie’s beard and one phone call to Ellen later (Rosie had somehow forgotten to do it when she actually got her mobile out), and we were running along to Jools’ house.

One minute later

We had to stop the running. Our nungas were getting out of control, and none of us were wearing our super-secure over-the-shoulder-boulder-holders, as none of us had planned to meet up and go running.

10 minutes later

Arrived at Jools’ house. Luckily it was her who answered the door, and she was already wearing shoes. She barely had time to raise her eyebrows at Rosie’s beard before she was pulled out of her house, shouting to her parents that she was going out against her own will.

5 minutes later

Walking to the park. We’ve all given up on the idea of running.

“So, are we meeting Jas?” Mabs asked.

“No, she said she was going to the woods with Tom, but not for a teddy-bear’s picnic, and then she put the phone down on me,” I replied.

“She’d rather go to the woods than come sunbathing with us?” Jools asked, eyebrows raised again.

“Well, that’s what Jas is like. She’d choose cuckoo spit over us,” I said.

“But she’s still your bestest pal, Gee,” Mabs said.

“You’re all my bestest pals. Jas is just a bestest pal who would rather look at cuckoo spit than spend time with me.”

“Right you may be, but park we have arrived at,” Rosie said.

“Right you are Yoda, and look, there’s Ellen coming towards us,” Jools said.

2 minutes later

Ahhh, there’s nothing like a nice sunbathing session in the park with your bestest pals, one of whom is wearing a beard.

Well, there would be nothing like it, if we could sunbathe in peace. But nooooo. The boys have arrived and have announced to us that they’re having a game of uneven footie, and that we must flash our nungas at them whenever a goal is scored. Rosie gave them the finger.

11.00 am

We’re watching the boys play their footie game. No breasty business has been revealed, and nor shall it be revealed. The lads are all getting confused because they all just seem to be scoring goals wherever they can. I don’t think they’ve divided themselves into teams. Then again, as it’s Dave, Rollo, Declan, Edward and Sven, it’s an uneven number.

Uh-oh, they’re walking over to us.

“Oi, girls, we’re gonna have a 5-a-side game. Girls versus boys. What do you think?” Dave announced, playing with his ball (oo-er).

“I think that it’s a really bad idea,” I said.

“Yes, but that’s only because you will probably knock everyone out with your nungas, Kittykat. Which is a bit of an unfair advantage,” Dave retorted.

I tried having the hump with him, but he put his arm around me and said to the other girls, “come on, we’ll go easy on you.”

5 minutes later

We are all running around like loons, screaming our heads off. And that’s just the boys! Hahaha, no. Mabs and Jools aren’t even trying, they’re just running in random directions, squealing like pigs. When the ball goes anywhere near Ellen, she just runs off in the opposite direction, and as for Rosie…

… Well, you have to give her top marks to distracting one of the opposition, as she’s snogging Sven right in the middle of the pitch. She hasn’t even taken her beard off. Needless to say, it looks very odd. But then, Rosie and Sven are a very odd couple.

I think I’m the only one actually trying. Sort of. I’m jogging around, but not too fast, because I don’t want to get all hot and sweaty and have a face as red as a tomato. I think we’re down by about 24-1. And the only reason we scored was because the ball bounced off Rosie’s head.

“Whoa, there! Can’t you keep them things under control!” Dave shouted to me, as I sauntered past him, and nearly knocked him over with my nungas.

I looked down. They really were too big. When I get married to Masimo, and we’re super rich, I will be having breast reduction surgery.

7.00 pm

Oof. I am quite literally knackered. I don’t think I’ve ever done so much running in my life. Not even in P.E. I try to avoid doing exercise in P.E. if I can. Which quite literally defeats the point of even turning up for the lesson in the first place.

Oh God, I’ve let my train of thought wander to school. Erlack! Get it out of my brain!

7.15 pm

Phone rang.

“Hello, home for the very mad. Georgia speaking.”

“Ciao, Miss Georgia.”

Oh. My. God. It was Masimo!

“Masimo! How do?”

“Er, OK, I think. You are well?”

“I’m as well as two well things in Well Land.”

Masimo laughed.

“Well, the reason I call you… How you say… I go back home to Roma. To see my family.”


“Y-you’re going back to Italy?”

“Yes, cara. But for only two weeks. It will be good for me to see my Mama and Papa, si?”

“Yeah… I guess.”

“Miss Georgia, you are OK?”

“I think so… It’s just a bit of a shock.”

“Yes, it was sudden. But I have not called you only for that.”

“Oh, God. There’s more?”

“Yes… While I am gone… I think we should have, you know… A break from being boyfriend and girlfriend. I think it would be good for us, si?”

I felt like screaming down the phone at him, “no! It damn well won’t be good for us!”, but I heard myself say, ‘OK’, and then before I knew it, he’d put the phone down.

I just stood there with the phone still to my ear like an idiot. He had practically dumped me!

Sunday 10th August

9.31 am

I was hoping for a bit of a lie-in this morning after the merde and pooey conversation with Masimo last night. I stayed up crying all night, so now I look as though I’ve got little piggy eyes again! This isn’t the first time, and definitely won’t be the last time.

Anyway, the reason I am up at the crack of dawn (ish), is that Mum and Libby have invaded my room, saying that they were going to the zoo, and if I wanted to come. Well, Mum said that, what Libby actually said was, “yes, bad boy, we go to zoo now, and put Angus in cage. Yes. Naaaaaice”. I really dread to think what she’ll grow up to be.

5 minutes later

The Swiss Family Mad have zoomed off in the clown car, and I am left all on my onesy again.

A minute later

Can’t I be depressed in peace? The phone is ringing. I take a slow walk down the stairs, hoping that if I take too long, the person ringing will put the phone down. No such luck, though.

“Hello, recently dumped Georgia here, who is very depressed and now angry that you are disturbing her. How may she help?”

“Bonsoir, Georgia!”

Oh, God. It was Rosie. Just what I didn’t need.

“Listen, Ro-Ro, I’m really in no mood for madness.”

“Did I just hear right? Masimo dumped you?”

“Sort of. He phoned me last night, and said he was going back to Italy for two weeks, and that we should take a break.”

“Well, that is pants, my chum, but fear not, for Sven and I have come up with a brilliant plan to cheer everyone and their beards up.”

She is quite literally obsessed with beards.

“Oh, God, no. Not another plan from Sven.”

“Don’t worry, I helped make the plan.”

“So it’s twice as bad?”

“Oh, ha ha, Georgia. Just be round my house for 11. I’ll have snacks.”

She rang off, not giving me a chance to politely refuse. Damn.

11.05 am

Well, here we all are (Jas included) crammed into Rosie’s bedroom, sat on the floor (and the reason we are crammed is because she invited all the boys round, and Sven’s taken over her bed - oo-er), waiting with baited breath for her and Sven to announce their not-so-genius plan.

I swear to God, I will walk out if it’s crap.

“So, here we all are… There is just one thing to do before we tell you our genius plan,” Rosie said, and she went to reach into one of her drawers (oo-er).

“Rosie, if you are about to get your beard out, just forget the plan, and we‘ll all leave,” Jas said. I’m not the only one who’s getting fed up with that bloody beard, apparently.

“But the beard ist good, ja,” Sven said.

“No, the beard isn’t good. It’s hairy, mouldy, and at least 10 years old. And probably made with old men’s back hair,” I said.

Rosie quickly retracted her hand out of the drawer, and in her hand she held a brochure. With caravans on it.

“Please tell me you’re not thinking of buying one,” Dave said.

“Of course not,” Rosie replied. “Sven suggested we all go on holiday. So, we’ve booked two caravans, down in Cornwall. We go this Saturday coming for a week.”

Everyone looked at each other. Well, to be honest, none of us were expecting that.

“You’ve already booked the caravans, you say?” I ask.

“Yeppers,” Rosie replied.

“We leave on Saturday?” Mabs asked.

“Ja,” Sven replied.

“How many caravans? Georgia’s going to need one of all her own, just because her nungas are so big,” Dave winked at me. Stop going on about my bloody breasts!

“We booked two. One for girls, one for boys,” Rosie replied.

“This is all very well, but how are we going to ask our parents if we can go?” Jas asked. Oh, ruin our fun, fringey.

“You don’t ask your parents if you can go,” Rosie said, her eyes crossed. “You TELL them you’re going!”

“Good plan, mon amigo!” Rollo shouted out. Jools giggled like a loon.

“OK, so we’re going to Cornwall… Any place in particular?” I ask.

“To Lizard Point. It’s supposedly the most southerly place in England. In all of Britain, even. But I’d like to see proof,” Rosie said.

“Have you never looked at the maps in the Geography room?” Jas said.

“Oooh, get you with your ‘Geography’,” Dave laughed.

“Well, here’s another question,” Tom piped up. I thought he’d been strangely quiet. “How are we getting there?”

Everyone looked at each, except for Rosie, who looked at Sven.

“Well, Sven’s going to drive, of course!”

Of course he is, why did we even ask?

“No!” we all shouted at once.

“Listen, Sven, you’re an awesome bloke,” Dave started saying, because Sven had looked a little hurt when we all shouted ‘no’, “but do you even have an English license?”

“Ja, is green, but is learner,” Sven replied, whipping out his provisional license.

“Oh God, he’s only got a learner’s license,” Jas said, holding her face in her hands.

“It’s OK, though. The way he drives, you wouldn’t think he just has a provisional,” Rosie said.

“Would we think he doesn’t have a license at all?” Dave said.

I laughed, but Ro-Ro frowned.

“Well, it’s either he drives or I drive.”

Oh God, no.

“Yeah, Sven can drive. I think we agree on that,” Declan said.

So, we are taking a minibus to Cornwall, with Sven at the wheel, where we shall spend an entire week crammed into two caravans. I sense a lack of sleep and a lot of fringeyness (I.e. Jas) coming my way…

Date Published
03/19/09 (Originally Created: 03/13/09)
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