So hey guise.
From the last time I posted a life update, my emotions have been a little crazy.
For a while, I was incredibly depressed. I felt awful. I couldn't stop feeling insecure and guilty and dysphoric about my gender, my anxiety, and just life in general. It was really a bad time.
I've decided though, that I'm going up stop letting my anxiety get to me. I'm going to talk to people whenever I want, and I'm done letting it cripple me. I've decided that if it still is affecting my life in important ways by the time I move out (in a year or two), I'll go to therapy for it.
For a few days, I thought maybe I was too dependent on my boyfriend for everything, but I realized that I'm not. I've just been lonely and bored and he's been the only one I talk to for a while. But I've been more social lately and I can be happy while not talking to him. Of course, I'm happier when I do talk to him, but I don't need him constantly around to survive.
I've also decided that I'm just going to stop caring about society's views of what a boy is. I'm going to stop trying to pass and just keep being myself. While I plan on buying a new chest binder and eventually going on hormonal therapy, I'm going to dress however I want. As long as the people I care about know that I'm a boy, no one else really matters.
I'm gearing up to start a diet. x.x it's going to happen. I just need to actually start it. But cravings get in the way. >.<
Basically, I'm going to start being a better version of myself and I'm going to be happy.
Since Thursday night, I've been feeling a lot better~ I'm really happy aside from the occasional insecurity. Life is good. My boyfriend is wonderful and helping me to relax.
In other news, I finally made a tumblr. I... have yet to reblog anything, but eventually I will when I get over my shyness about it. The link to it is in my world intro. I'm still learning how it works, so that's an adventure.
I've been trying to have home spa days yesterday and today but my family has been home so -w-
I'm currently watching Sailor Moon, as far as fandoms go. So that's pretty cool. c: I'm on episode 3! lol~
I'm working on a story called Pretty Things. It's about a boy who can see how his relationships end before they even begin. ^~^
Anyway, it's been boring over here. I need to hang out with friends and go shopping or something. Jason and I's 2 year anniversary is in less than three weeks. :D
We've decided to do these things periodically as a way of chronicling our relationship. It started at our 6 months when I filled up half a journal for him of just things about us for Christmas c: but now we're both going to fill up a small journal for eachother for our 2 years. We'll start doing these more often. I think it's such a lovely idea. c:
Well anyway, I'm going to go shower and try to relax today. Hope everyone has a fab day!
this tag was a bit personal, just a warning. also be prepared because I'm super cheesy.
1. Are looks important in a relationship?
... To me, yeah. While I definitely don't think that your relationship should ever be based on looks, I think it's important to see the physical beauty in your partner, as to be able to appreciate them even more so.
2. Are relationships ever worth it?
If you're truly in love and you aren't sacrificing your passions, then yes.
3. Are you a virgin?
4. Are you in a relationship?
5. Are you in love?
So much that I can't express it words.
6. Are you single this year?
7. Can you commit to one person?
I've never had the desire to be with more than one person at one time. owo
8. Describe your crush.
Funny as hell, a bit shorter than I, gorgeous icy blue eyes, very sweet and thoughtful, he's very dedicated to what makes him happy and really optimistic <3
9. Describe your perfect mate.
Basically my boyfriend. He makes me laugh and has a really awesome sense of humor, he's nerdy, and he can be dominant *///* but he still has a sweet side. I never thought I cared about whether my mate would need to be optimistic or pessimistic, but one of my favorite things is that he always sees the bright side and helps to bring me up instead of pull me down.
10. Do you believe in love at first sight?
11. Do you ever want to get married?
Since I was a kid, I thought I'd never want to get married. But as I've come to realize that I've found my soulmate... I think maybe someday. But it's not on my list of MUST HAPPEN.
12. Do you forgive betrayal?
Depends. If they're genuinely sorry and won't do it again, I can forgive.
13. Do you get jealous easily?
Very much so. But I'm working on it.
14. Do you have a crush on anyone?
Don't tell anyone, but there's this really hot knight named Jason... <3
15. Do you like kissing in public?
A small peck is fine, but anymore than that makes me uncomfortable.
16. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?
Already have done so. Once I'm in a relationship, no matter how serious, I consider myself off the market.
17. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?
More than likely, no.
18. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?
With Jason, yeah. c:
19. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?
Probably not. But actions speak louder than words.
20. Have you ever been cheated on?
LOL yeah by three of my exes. Joe, Connor and Matt.
21. Have you ever cheated on someone?
No, but my relationship with Matt was questionable because I was really hung up on Joe.
22. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?
Yeah lol. I've wanted to get a nose job and such but I'm much more accepting of my face now that I realize that I don't want these things. All I want are my breasts removed.
23. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?
More often than I'd like to admit. But those people are out of my life.
24. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?
Let's see. Joe, Ashley, Connor... yep.
25. Have you ever had sex with a man?
not yet xD
26. Have you ever had sex with a woman?
don't plan on it lmao
27. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?
my boyfriend is 9 days older than me. c; I like the older men~
28. Have you ever liked one of your best friends?
Ashley, yeah. Gross.
29. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?
30. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?
Ashley lol, though why I wanted her I'll never know.
31. Have you had sex so far this year?
32. How long was your longest relationship?
The one I'm in, we're about three weeks away from our two years!
33. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?
Uhhh. 7...? damn.
34. How many times did you have sex last year?
35. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?
how am I supposed to just pick one???
I like how we're best friends as well as boyfriends. c:
36. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?
Probably this guy that I almost dated before Jason. His name was Kyler and he had so many chances to take me but he never wanted me until after I was taken of course.
37. Is there someone you will never forget?
I don't forget people very easily. I usually remember people I've had a pleasant conversation with.
38. Share a relationship story.
When Jason gave me my first hickey, he pulled away and looked at it like "O:" and then proceeded to say "It looks like I killed you!"
39. State 12 facts about your body
-I dye my hair different colors quite a bit, at least every three months.
-I want to be porcelain pale, but I'm slightly paler than average at the moment.
-I have really nicely shaped legs, but I also have really bad cellulite in my inner thighs. :<
-I have quite a few moles lol, but I don't hate them.
-I have seriously no ass. -.-
-My collarbone is dislocated and scarred.
-I only have freckles on my right shoulder. Nowhere else.
-I have big eyes and a big nose, but my glasses accentuates the bigness of my nose and makes my eyes look smaller.
-Whenever I have pink hair, my lip color seems to match the same shade of pink.
-I have masculine-ish hands, but small feminine fingers.
-My bone structure is almost like I'm supposed to be really tiny, but I'm really overweight LOL I have tiny ankles especially
-a usual outfit for me is an oversized shirt and leggings or skinny jeans with hightop shoes or boots
40. Things you want to say to an ex
I hope it kills you that I'm as happy as I am. You're pathetic and manipulative and I hope someone makes you feel the way you made me feel.
41. What are five ways to win your heart?
-Have a similar sense of humor as I do.
-Be a nerd~
-Try to learn about me, but talk about yourself as well
-Be open-minded and supportive of people and ideas
-I like creative people. :3
42. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners?
Hahaha... well, I have an ex (? kind of) named Tom who was 21 when I was 11/12. So about 10 years o_O
43. What is the first thing you notice in someone?
Their eyes or smile.
44. What is your favourite foreplay routine?
uhhhh wellllllll. handjobs are fun and grinding really turns me on and kissing and touching and yeah. I like anything that Jason and I have tried lol
45. What is your idea of the perfect date?
I'm not sure honestly as long as it's semi-quiet and we get to spend time with one another. I really like movie dates and going out to eat.
46. What turns you off?
Dirty talking LOL and uncleanliness and being too persistent with stuff.
47. What turns you on?
Gentlemanliness, dominance, roughness, claiming me as yours.
48. What words do you like to hear during sex?
Haven't had sex, and I don't like dirty talking, sooooo.
49. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?
Nice hair and a great smile, I like alternative fashion and stuff so there's that.
50. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?
As long as it's legal, I don't mind.
51. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why?
It's hard to pinpoint that because I'm constantly jealous. But I was probably envious over someone's looks or ability to be able to pull off certain makeup and fashion.
52. Who was your first kiss with?
53. Why did your last relationship fail?
He was trying to change me into this little scene chick domme and just no.
btw I bleached my bangs trying to get blonde AND IT TURNED PINK
I love it though
also I finally got an Instagram, so if you care to follow me, I'm aprinceindistress. c:
01: Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.
Jason and I will have been together 2 years next month on the 18th. We always talk out our problems and inspire one another. We have a Prince/Knight relationship. He pampers, takes care of, and protects me like I'm a prince. We have interesting chemistry while also being best friends.
02: Where you’d like to be in 10 years.
Living with Jason. Being a part-time housespouse and working at the renaissance faire and/or my own shop/spa while writing.
03: Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Personally, they're not for me. I don't like being around people who are high at all. Drunk people are okay sometimes, depending on what kind of drunk they are. I would rather you just do your thing and keep it away from me.
04: Your views on religion.
I think it can bring out the best or the worst in people. If you have something to believe in that keeps you going, great! If you put others down and force religion on people, that's not very cool.
I myself believe in faeries and magic. Say what you want.
05: A time you thought about ending your own life.
Oh dear. Uhm.
I was 10. I told my parents that I was upset about how I look and how people made fun of me. I told them that I wanted to hurt myself. They got into a huge argument and fought over who was to blame for my insecurities. I felt that they were fighting because of me, so I took a lot of pills and cut. Luckily, I threw up and was fine.
06: Write 20 interesting facts about yourself.
...20? holy. alright.
-I used to play guitar and sing fairly well until I stopped both of those for a summer before high school. Now I sing like a dying cat and can't remember how to play guitar at all.
-I whine in my sleep. -w-
-I have a tendency to stare at strangers in public, because I like to wonder about their life.
-I always come up with a compliment for everyone that catches my eye, even if I'm too shy to talk to them.
-I go through phases like I change my clothes.
-I'm very affectionate and clingy. It tends to scare people away.
-I have to cuddle with something when I sleep. Usually it's my and Jason's teddy bear Ollie.
-I'm almost always sore or bruised because I'm anemic.
-My collarbone is a very emotionally sensitive place for me. I very rarely let people see it. It's where I used to cut the deepest. It's also dislocated. My brother punched me in a fist fight with him and shoved it out of place, but that was four years ago and I never got it shoved back into place.
-I'm literally always craving pickles.
-I can't talk to cashiers without crying in the car on the way home.
-I'm a huge history geek.
-Though I plan to transition to a mostly male body, I want to keep my hips and not build much muscle.
-I'm awkward around people, I either talk too much or not enough.
-My entire face goes red the moment I step into a public place.
-I'm really vain.
-I have to constantly be reassured by my boyfriend that he still loves me.
-I can literally worry myself sick, and I have a weak immune system.
-I have a heartbeat fetish...
07: Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality.
Taurus. I think some of it does. I'm very stubborn.
08: A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life.
I'd say right now. I'm done with high school and a wonderful boyfriend and no drama. All that I could ask for now is to be healthier, more social and busier.
09: How you hope your future will be like.
I hope it's full of love and that I will be healthy. I hope that no matter what job I have, that I enjoy it. I hope that I'm still with Jason and my friends all still talk to me lol
10: Discuss your first love and first kiss.
The first guy I ever fell in love with was a guy in the UK named Joe. I thought we had a special connection. He had quite a few connections... He played with my heart for a year. Then he faked his death to get away from me. He ruined me.
My first kiss was with my first real love, Jason. We were at the renfaire, and I was dressed as a pirate. My friends kept saying we should kiss and so we did after I finally got the courage. He was so polite.
11: Put your ipod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up.
-It's Time - Imagine Dragons
-Gravitation - Starfighter Comic Soundtrack
-Don't Wake Up - I Am Ghost
-I Get Off - Halestorm
-Bubblegum Bitch - Marina and the Diamonds
-Ho Hey - The Lumineers
-The One That I Want - Grease Soundtrack
-Starfire - Dragonforce
-Dark Horse - Katy Perry
-Growl - EXO
12: Bullet your whole day.
-Laze around in bed
-Go shopping with my mom
-Go with her to get my half brother from my grandparents
-Play with my dog
13: Somewhere you’d like to move or visit.
If I don't get to go anywhere else, I want to go to Disney World. *~*
14: Your earliest memory.
I had woken up in the middle of the night and I was wandering around my house. I tripped over a laundry basket, hit my face on a wall. I busted my lip open. My parents heard me crying and called a paramedic to come make sure I was alright.
15: Your favorite blogs.
????? I'm guessing this a tumblr thing lol. I don't have a tumblr.
16: Your views on mainstream music.
It can be really great, or really terrible.
17: Your highs and lows of this past year.
Highs: Graduating high school, keeping a healthy relationship, being generally happy
Lows: Feeling insecure, days that I just lay in bed and cry.
18: Your beliefs.
? Of what? owo Generally, I have a very open mind of everything.
19: Disrespecting your parents.
I'm the good kid. What my parents say, goes. At least as far as they know.
20: How important you think education is.
I think anything after middle school should be based on your interests.
21: One of your favorite shows.
Game of Thrones though I haven't seen much of season 4. >.<
22: How have you changed in the past 2 years?
More confident, more self-respecting and accepting of myself. I've stopped cutting and I'm much more optimistic than I used to be. I see the beauty in more things than I used to. I get really happy over small things now.
23: Name 5 guys/girls who are famous who you find attractive.
-Channing Tatum (don't judge me)
-Whiplasher Bernadotte (I may not listen to Deathstars much anymore, but daaaaamn)
-Kellin Quinn (it's more of "wow pretty boy" than a "aaayyyy sexy" way)
24: Your favorite movie and what it’s about.
Crap. I can never choose.
I'm going to go with Moulin Rouge at the moment. It's a musical about a writer in the early 1900's, who is poor but apart of a bohemian revolution. He meets a courtesan and they fall in love, though she's pledged to be with a duke. It's a rather intense movie once you get into it, but it does have quite a bit of humor.
25: Someone who fascinates you and why.
A lot of people fascinate me. Everyone is so diverse and I love observing people.
26: What kind of person attracts you?
Gamer, funny, blue-eyed, best friend material, cuddly, masculine guys with a slightly feminine side, dominant guys, people who are optimistic and can bring me out of my slumps. c:
27: A problem that you have had.
Gender-confusion. I think I've got it figured out. I think.
28: Something that you miss.
Having a definite best friend. (aside from boyfriend). I miss having someone I can call up and be like "hey I'm coming over" like?? I haven't had one since Ashley. I've had best friends, but never that kind of relationship since her. But I don't miss her.
29: Goals for the next 30 days.
Start eating healthy and getting things together.
30: Your highs and lows of this month.
Highs: Seeing my boyfriend, writing.
Lows: Getting my first ticket, feeling insecure all the time. :<
I'm currently sick. >.< I've been sick to my stomach since I got home from Jason's yesterday. I think it's because he spoiled me in candy and sweets ^///^
But at the moment, I'm pretty sure I've vomited so hard that I no longer have internal organs so yay.~
lol so on the way to my boyfriend's house, I got my first ticket. I don't even drive yet. o^o
my landlord was driving me to my boyfriend's town when we got pulled over for not wearing seatbelts. x.x Not very much fun. The cop gave me a hard time because I don't have any ID or anything and I'm 18. >.< I'm working on it dammit. Should be getting my social security card next week (my original one got stolen from my mom's purse a year ago) as well as a state ID. Then I'm going to work on getting a job. owo
Anyway, the ticket is only $10 so it's okay, and I've learned my lesson. Mostly from my boyfriend telling me that he would feel safer if I wore my seatbelt regularly. >.<
But anyway yeah o:
Then we got to my boyfriend's house. He gave me late birthday gifts. n.n some mini candles, candy, a 50 First Dates DVD (I love that movie don't judge me), and a deck of cards. I was really confused about the cards until I opened them and realized that he wrote 52 reasons why he loves me. >////< I think I probably died. So sweet.
We didn't make out all weekend this time. xP just on Wednesday night.
-sexual content warning-
He gave me a hickie on my hip. <3 I can't stop looking at it. It's kind of faded already but god it felt so jagiangak *///* and he did the thing with his hands on me. I got reallyreallyreally close to getting off but it never actually happened for some reason. :< Then we grinded for a bit until I was so ridiculously turned on that I couldn't stand it anymore. So I had a bright idea. "Let's masturbate together." I didn't last very long during that. LOL
But anyway, I learned that I probably can get off from him using his hands, it just takes FOREVER.
Then we talked about sex and I told him that having anything inside me anywhere would make me uncomfortable, and that it scares me. I have a medical condition, so that's one reason. But he basically told me that he was happy with what we've been doing, and that sex wasnt too important in our relationship so yay. c:
-so there's that-
We went to go see 22 Jump Street and How To Train Your Dragon 2! omg~~ they were both REALLY good movies!!
22 Jump Street started out kind of "ehhhhh" but it was so good. Really funny. It lived up to be just as good, if not better than the first movie. :D
HTTYD2 caused me such emotion. Wow. I cried a lot. xD so cute and sad and happy idkfksidlfld
We just chilled out and such until I had to go home. We cuddled a lot. I learned that he actually makes me feel better when I'm really sick by just being in his arms and him rubbing my back and kissing me. I love him so much.
Oh! I cut and dyed my hair. I miss it, but I really like my new hair. It's super asymmetric and now it's dark brown with tints of red and purple lol. I love it. Pictures at the end of the post as usual. c:
I've been feeling really insecure about my body, so I'm done being disgusting. I'm going to start taking better care of myself and eating right. I haven't been taking my iron pills so I'm really bruised up. Especially my legs and pelvis. Ow. But I am going to get healthy. My boyfriend and I made a deal to help eachother keep motivated and on track so yay!
Back to counting calories and such. Might do a detox thing pretty soon, too. Once I stop being sick. >.<
I've been writing a new short story. I SWEAR I'm going to finish it. :3
I've been in a very kawaii, please-pamper-me mood for a while. owo so that's a thing lol but Jason has been making sure I'm happy and taken care of.
Anyway I'm going to end this post because I'm rambling. Feel free to talk to me<3
This is from the day before I cut my hairrrrr.
I feel really bad for not talking to people that I want to talk to. >.<
I always type out a comment on someone's post, but I never have the nerve to actually post it. I get scared that I said too much, or too little or that I ramble off-topic.
It's just that people intimidate me so much. >.< I don't even talk to my irl friends over text or facebook much unless they start the conversation because I'm so intimidated. D: nor do I even talk much about my artwork when I post it. I just post it and just say "yeh.", if anything at all.
I want to talk more, and make new friends, but I'm so awkward and scared of messing up or saying the wrong things. >.<;;
I think this is why I don't have more accounts anywhere. I would like to have a tumblr, or Instagram or snapchat and all these fun things to help me make friends but I'm so bad at socializing. :<
I'm sorry if anyone has ever felt like I was ignoring them. I'm just so crazy awkward. But I'm always open to talking with you.