Meeeeerrrrrr. I haven't been much in the mood for talking about my life lately but I feel like I should, to move on a bit I guess.
Well let's see. Last week was an alright week. Valentine's day was pretty fun as well. I didn't get to spend it with my boyfriend though, but it's okay. We're supposed to see eachother soon, so that'll be really nice.
This weekend I babysat for my ex stepmom, Tina. She's entirely blind and half deaf, but perfectly capable and functional. She's a really lovely person. She's my favorite out of the people my dad has dated since my mom. It was interesting seeing her, considering I haven't seen her in five years or so, actually.
Anyway, I looked after two of her grandchildren that she recently adopted. In total, she has five I believe, a sixth on the way. They're all her child's kids. Which, last time I had talked to the parent of the these kids, he was my stepbrother. But he apparently came out as a transwoman. Her name is Toni. It was kind of weird because I wasn't out as trans either five years ago, and I'm still not out to Tina, because I consider her family still.
But looking after the kids wasn't too bad. I pretty much got paid to hang out while they slept. They were cute.
Also, the 2nd night I was there, Tina came home around 2am and her cab driver had told her that there was several cases of attempted rape around the apartment I was in. So that really freaked me out. Like, that could have been me. They were about two apartments away.
Then we had two more days away from school and that was nice. Went to school yesterday, and I was there for two hours when... I got my period. /: I haven't had a period in like, a year so of course I wasn't prepared for it. Also, I've always had medical problems with that area of my body. I have really heavy flow (so bad that I couldn't even go to school), and I have cramps to the point of not being able to move. Needless to say, I went home at lunch. It wasnt too bad though, until last night. I couldn't sleep and I've been home today because there's no way I could've survived school today. x.x
It's not so bad now, but still pretty bad. And my mom is forcing me to go to school tomorrow no matter what, so I'm kind of fucked if it doesn't get better.
Anyway yeah, there's your updateeee.
Also, I lightened my hair a few days ago. I'm also growing it out until April. Yeh.
I'm fed up with being so insecure and miserable all the time. So last Friday, I decided that I'm making a lot of changes in my life. A lot. I'm going to start making myself happy.
I'm going to have a better attitude and try to not be so overemotional and dramatic. I'm not going to let stupid things bother me anymore, including my insecurities. I'm going to learn how to relax.
I'm also going to start taking better care of myself, appearance and health wise. I feel my self-confidence will improve in a change of appearance. Diet and exercise, hair and skin care, etc. And I'm going to dress how I want to dress, as fem as I want.
not that I just copy/pasted a status of mine from facebook
As far as diet and exercise, I'm not doing so great. D; it's mostly that I keep forgetting I'm on a diet and I'd rather not exercise until I'm not so sick. I've yet to get over this damn flu or whatever that's going around. It came back harsher than ever with congestion and a sore throat. x~x
My diet plan isn't restricting but it also is. I'm cutting out sweets, soda, and fast food entirely. And I'm drinking nothing but tea and water. I have a cup of tea with everything I eat so that I feel fuller and don't overeat. And I'm replacing a meal everyday with a Greek yogurt thing. It's less stressful than my previous attempts with counting calories.
And as for exercising, I need ideas of what to do. My friend Leila and I are going to start running together when it gets warm out, but I need stuff to do when I'm at home by myself. I already know I'm going to do squats. Because I need an ass. xD I literally have no ass. And with my full hips, it looks weird.
I'm hoping to have a dancer's body. So of course I'm going to get further into my bellydancing. Also, bellydancing makes me feel sexy. o_O so it helps my confidence a lot as well.
And as far as my appearance change. It should be happening in about a month, more or less, when my mom gets her tax returns. I'm gonna look great. c: I'm planning on getting my hair to as blond as possible and getting a cut. Then towards Renfaire time, I'm dying it blue~
I'm working on my skin care already. But I want to be paler so I've been looking for tricks for that.
And my clothes are gonna be still my style but more "femboy" rather than just flat-out "female". Even if I decide to wear dresses and skirts. Which is something I'm considering. I think I might get into some pastel-goth also. We shall see. <3
My attitude is already improving. c: I'm doing well, I think. I haven't been thinking as negatively as I have as of lately. And things are looking up. I might audition for a play this semester. If not, I do have to preform in a Repertory Theatre showcase. o: so that'll be fun.
I've been working on artwork. :D I painted a project for Special Art Production. I'll post it soon. I hate painting xD but I did good on this one, even if it did take three tries and a lot of frustration.
Now let's just hope I can get through this school week. Maybe we'll have more snow days. I'd like that.
I am looking forward to Valentine's Day :3 I'm not sure if I'll get to spend it with Jason, but if not, it's alright. I do want to go see him again soon though.
Jason and I are doing great. c: we talked about being life partners last night (since neither of us like the idea of marriage). n///n he is the only one I can see spending my life with. We often talk about how it's gonna be when we live together. I'm really excited for that aspect of the future.
But yeh. That's what's happening in life rn.
School is cancelled tomorrow because they believe it will snow. Or has snowed. I haven't looked outside to see if it snew. snew. I know that it's "snowed" but I typed snew first. cx
I've been working on project(s) for Special Art Production. My theme for the rest of my projects for the semester is "fantasy", and currently I'm experimenting with using watercolor. I've used it before, but I'm really really really a terrible painter. Any other media, I can use fine. Give me any kind of paint, you'll end up with a mess. >.<
Right now I'm working on a painting of a pretty leaf elf boy. He's great.
I've started a Valentine's Day story as well. It's a fluffy romance. :3 I'll post it here when it's finished.
So my mood has been weird lately. I'm either upset and insecure, or pissed off and sassy. o_O Jason and I have been talking about my confidence or rather, lack of confidence.
It led to me questioning my gender expression. Again.
Basically, Jason asked me if I liked my own fashion sense. I said that I do, but not really because I myself can't wear what I want to wear. He asked why. And I told him that a lot of times, I feel I'm not allowed to wear something because a) I don't feel attractive enough or b) I want to wear it but it'll make me easier to misgender than usual. He asked if passing as male was important to me. I said yes. He suggested I try more men's clothing. I explained that I do like men's clothing, but I like women's clothing just as much. I told him that I don't want to change just to fit someone else's definition of a boy. Which led to him asking me if maybe I'm agender or androgynous instead of entirely a boy.
I've put a lot of thought into that idea. But the thought of anyone referring to me with pronouns that aren't male-oriented makes me sick. It just doesn't feel right. And I want to transition, I want a male body.
It sickens me that I will never be seen as I am unless I change. It makes me want to cry.
Like anyone else in this damn world, I just want to be accepted as I am.
I'm literally stuck. I'm in a lose-lose situation. If I change, I will not be true to myself and I'll be unhappy. If I be myself, I'll never be seen as a boy.
I feel hopeless.
Jason went on to tell me that I can wear dresses and such, but maybe not so much in public. Which makes me upset because if I feel pretty, I'm obviously going to want to show it off. And I'm not allowed to feel confident in who I am. Not in public. Thank you society.
But I do have some reassurance after today.
My boyfriend is really into femboys and is supportive of me, no matter how I dress. He just doesn't want me to be misgendered, because it kills me everytime.
And a couple of my friends, Leila and Rikki told me that they don't even think of me as trans. Which is a lovely compliment honestly.
Idk. I've been struggling with this conflict internally for some time now. Maybe I'll figure it out some day. Maybe I won't.
I identify as a femboy. A boy that cross-dresses. A makeup-wearing, flower-picking boy. This is how it is. I don't know if it will change. But this is me.
Anyway yeah. I'm still feeling under the weather about my appearance. After I get over being sick, I'm cracking down on my weight loss. I'm sick of being obese. Like, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being big if you're confident in your body. I definitely do support and believe in "big and beautiful". I believe you can look however you want as long as you own it.
But I'm not confident this way. So I have to change it.
Another thing I want to change is how people see me. I want to be the cute and sweet one. It's... kind of too late for that now, though. v~v everyone already sees me as being rude and vulgar. Oh well.
This post turned out much longer than I expected. :L merrrr.
I'm going to disappear now. Ttyl.
Alrighty, well. I'm feeling much better than I did from my last post. In a better mood, at least. My self-confidence is at a new low, however. Maybe I'll feel better soon. Maybe I won't. I don't know.
I'm not entirely sure what's come over me. But I'm so unhappy with my appearance. I think it could just be that I'm sick. I need a spa day. My skin is sandpaper. My lips are really dry and have sores all over. I'm broke out in acne. My hair is too long to style and make it look good, and the color is very flat.
I'm not feeling too good about my body, either. I've given up on my diet for now. But when I get to feeling better, I'm gonna diet and exercise like hell.
I've had to get back on taking my iron supplement pills. Can't remember if I told you all this, but I've been bruising really easily lately, been really sore. I have bruises all over (which I wouldn't mind if they were boyfriend-inflicted xD), it's not fun.
I've also been frequently getting nosebleeds at random times. o_O I think it's because of the dry air in my room though. I still wish it would stop. x.x
I've been working a lot on my Senior Project. :3 designing costumes and such. It's going quite well. I'm excited to execute it.
My grades are so low. >.< but it's because I've been sick.
A LOT of bad luck has come my way lately. I'm really struggling to even get the motivation to get out of bed, now. I feel like I might be depressed again. I hope not. I hope this is simply a temporary sadness.
My boyfriend has been a lot of help though, and I'm so thankful for him. Without him, I don't think I'd be doing much of anything anymore.
Currently, I'm spending my weekend watching Season Two of Game of Thrones. I rented it :3 I'm a little more than half way done with it. I've been obsessively watching it since yesterday after school.
Oh~ so I don't think I've mentioned this. But I'm interested in natural healing, massage therapy, palmistry, and making my own spa treatments and medications, etc. I've still got some research to do on these things. But I've decided that these things are going to become some part of my future. I plan to do it on the side of my acting and writing and art careers. I'll do it out of my own home and being a merchant at the renfaire. n.n
Along with the natural healing, I've decided that I'm going to begin my path in Witchcraft. (Yes, a male witch. And btw, witch is the term. Not warlock/wizard. Those are different meanings) Call me crazy, but things have been leading me to it. It doesn't mean that my religion (whatever that may be) is changing. I don't claim to be a Wiccan, or pagan (unless the connection becomes clear to me).
It's just that, I've always been very superstitious. Always. And I believe in magic and luck and karma, most definitely. I feel that Witchcraft would help me to feel more at ease with my own energies.
But I'm not just jumping into this. I have much to research and discover. And I need to get my life back on track first. But just know, this is a thing that is almost certainly happening.
Anyway, I'm always here if anyone needs me or wants to talk. I'm going back to watching GOT. :3
This is not going to be a happy post. You have been warned. I need to vent and rant and it makes me feel better, knowing that my thoughts are out there so.
I hate myself. I hate myself so much. With a passion. I hate everything about myself. I hate my appearance. I hate my personality. I hate how I act in front of people.
I can't be happy. I just can't. I've tried so many times. I keep trying. But I'm just not allowed to be happy. I can try and try but it doesn't matter. No matter how happy I am, it never lasts for more than a day or two. It only lasts until I'm alone with myself.
And you know what? I don't deserve to be happy anyway. I'm the worst person. I'm the worst son/daughter, the worst friend, the worst boyfriend. I'm just a lowlife moron. I'm rude and mean and I take out my anger and sadness on everyone else. I'm vulgar and disgusting and insecure.
I know everyone tells me "oh I love you Kyle you're none of those things" and I believe that YOU think that. But I don't. I don't deserve such kind words. I don't.
I am worth absolutely nothing. I only bring trouble to those I care for. I feel terrible for it and I try so hard to just be okay.
I'm not okay anymore. I'm not saying I'm suicidal or in immediate danger... But there definitely is no way that I'm okay right now.
I need a break from life.