haha fuck my life.
this is gonna kind of be a tmi-ish post so be warned.
things really suck for me right now.
so that stomach flu I last posted about? yeah apparently it's much more than that.
i've had diarrhea every single day for like a week straight. i can't leave my house, i can't do literally anything.
I went to Walmart with my mom yesterday and I learned that I apparently can't stand for very long without feeling dizzy and faint. I can't eat anything without getting sicker. I have constant migraines. If I don't eat, I get all dizzy. I can't stay hydrated for anything. God I just can't do ANYTHING.
I have tried EVERYTHING I possibly can to help alleviate my symptoms like going on the BRAT diet, taking medication, getting off my iron pills, everything. Nothing helps.
If it's not gone in another week, I have to go the doctor. Which scares me beyond belief. I have a severe, deep fear of doctors. Anytime I know I have to go to the doctor, I gret stressed out really bad until my appointment. Then I cry the whole time I'm there and having a panic attack is almost inevitable. I just. HATE. doctors. They can be the friendliest person ever and still scare the ever living hell out of me. I just hate them so damn much. Just thinking of them makes me cry and hyperventilate.
And that's /if/ I even can go see a doctor. I'm afraid that this sickness might be a permanent thing and if I don't get some help, I might be royally fucked until I can.
And I keep accidentally making Jason feel bad for being with his friends so much lately but I just miss him a lot and I can't go see him obviously because I'm sick. And he's starting college soon and I'm afraid that he's going to be too busy for me.
He's been really supportive through this and trying to help my fear of doctors and stuff, though. And we've been talking through our problems and our relationship is perfect. I just feel bad for making him feel bad. My anxiety has been really bad lately. He's been the best.
I'm just so damn scared and depressed and tired of being so trapped in this house. I can't deal.
I just want this to go away.
Guess who has the flu?
yep. me. -w-
I started feeling really sick last night at like 2am, then I stayed up until 8am throwing up. v~v it really fucking sucked.
Now I'm in the dizzy/wobbly/chills/feeling like I got hit by a train phase. I'm just glad the nausea is gone. x.x
Not much is happening here. Haven't seen any friends lately. I tried to go clothes shopping with my mom but didn't find anything.
Been just hanging around my house and talking to my boyfriend.
Speaking of my boyfriend. Our two year anniversary passed recently and I've yet to go see him. I don't know when I'll be able to because my ride might be a bit aggravated with me because of my ticket. But I'm going to pay him back so hopefully he'll be willing to take me. .-.
I bought my boyfriend his gifts, as well. I'm not going to say what I got for him because he does read this sometimes. <.<
-talking about sexual stuff-
We tried something new a few days ago that we did again last night before I got sick... phone sex. .///. Considering neither of us are into dirty talk, I thought it would be kind of weird. But it's actually a lot of fun and last night when we did it, I had the longest orgasm ever. xD I'm not kidding. Usually mine last like a normal amount of time, like 10-15 seconds but I had one for an entire minute. o///o it was awesome.
-I'm done. I just had to brag xD-
It's incredibly weird to think that all of my irl friends are going to be in some form of school soon. I'm literally the only person not going to college out of my graduated friends. ._. I feel a little alone and I've been scared that they're all going to forget about me or replace me. v.v
My boyfriend has had to bring me back down a lot from my crazy anxiety imagination. My family has been stressing me out a lot. I think I need to get away but I really don't have anywhere to go.
I've been getting excited for the next renaissance faire. c: the end of September. I've decided that I'm going to be an elven prince for one day, and a tribal wolf boy for the other. I have a wolf tail and a basic outfit for that costume. I just need to add some stuff to spice it up and make some wolf ears. And for my elf one, I'm gonna make a crown/circlet of some sort and I have to figure what I'm gonna wear. So that's gonna be fun.
I'm also writing a new story that I've had in my head since before I graduated. It's a love story that involves dragons and mages and probably other fantasy things. cx
Anyway. I'm gonna go cuddle with my Ollie and try to eat. If you thought I was overly affectionate when I feel well, you ought to see me when I'm sick. @~@
Have a lovely Sunday, everyone.
It is currently 5:26am.
Maybe someday I'll actually get back to a normal sleeping schedule where I don't have breakfast at 3pm.
Tonight was a really weird night. My mom and I got into an argument about my weight. This is the second time in the last few days that she's called me fat.
I love my mom, but jesus fucking christ, she is incredibly negative and just not a good influence. I'm hoping to get away from her here and there more often. I can't deal with this anymore. At least not as often.
My brother also came over so we've been messing with things. We went to my grandparents' for dinner like we do every Monday night, then we went to Walmart lol
I got a new air freshener that smells like rain. It's delightful.
I've just been in my cutest set of pajamas and eating edible cookie dough. c:
I kind of forgot the point of this post.
Ah well. I'm just hoping to talk more to my boyfriend tomorrow. We haven't been able to talk much lately because he's been on a trip and with friends for a few days but it's okay because we still make sure to tell eachother goodnight and check in with eachother.
Lmao. Another guy just tried to hit on me earlier. He sent a picture of himself shirtless to me on instagram and said "every femboy needs a man in charge. you are gorgeous."
I told him that while I appreciated the compliment, I had a pretty awesome boyfriend and he just left. lol cx
I've never been the popular one with boys. (Usually girls like me) so it's weird how this is happening lately.
Either way, I'm not gonna give up a two year relationship with someone I consider to be my soulmate for some random guy on Instagram xD
Godddd I've been getting back into my musical mood. I think it's because
It's almost autumn and that means halloween and that means Rocky Horror Picture Show~~~ can't wait to be Eddie again.
Though once I get top surgery, I swear to god I'm gonna be Frankenfurter. Like he's too damn fabulous to not be a costume of mine.
Oh! I was gonna post in EA tonight but I'm so sleepy and I had forgotten because of the drama in my house. But I'll get to it soon, I promise.
Have a lovely week, everyone.
Another questions thiiiing.
I've been doing a lot of these. Out of boredom, probably.
1: What is your name and does it mean anything?
My name is Kyle. c: Ah it's just the male version of my birth name. My birthname meant "pure one" so there's that.
2: How long have you known your best friend?
My best friend is my boyfriend, who I've know since like the middle of middle school? We didn't really start talking until freshman year.
My other best friend is Tah-Tah, who I met in English class during my junior year.
3: What position do you normally sleep in?
I sleep on my stomach, like a ballerina with my leg bent at the knee. I alwaysalwaysalways have to be cuddling something.
4: Were you a part of any “clique” in high school?
For a while, I was a part of the scene/goth/stoner kids. xD While I remained friends with them, I still migrated to being part of the more artsy kids.
5: Who was your favorite teacher in high school and why?
This is tough. I really liked my illustration/pottery teacher. She was really funny and understanding. Then I also think my theatre teacher was pretty cool sometimes. I had a major love-hate relationship with her because when she was upset, you could really tell. But she cares deeply for her students and she was really supportive of me, and still is. But I'd have to say my seminar and special art production teacher was my favorite. I had him since my sophomore year and I was the only kid left at the end of senior year that was apart of his original class. The others had left, and the new ones were all new students and class transfers. But he was really funny and awkward and had a lot to say about things. He was a typical hipster-y art teacher LOL. I still remember that he showed us Don't Hug Me I'm Scared on the first day of his drawing and painting class.
6: Do you wish to travel a lot?
Yeah!! I wouldn't die happy if I didn't get to travel, I don't think.
7: Did you participate in any sports while in school?
In elementary school. xD I was in basketball and cheerleading.
8: Show a sample of your handwriting:
I don't have one on me at the moment. >.<
9: Have you ever given blood?
I can't. :< my blood is too difficult to get out of me. My veins are too faint and deep in my skin.
10: Do you like the way that you grew up?
Yes and no. I was unhappy as a kid. But I do think that My experiences made me a stronger person than I would've been. I'm also very much an individual and I'm thankful for that.
11: Do you like your siblings? Why or why not?
Depends on the sibling. xD My half-brother-- no. He's a six year old, and he's SO RUDE AND GROSS. But my real brother, yeah. We're really close actually. I used to hate him but now he's like a friend. He's 14.
12: How did you meet your best friend and why did you become friends?
She was another quiet kid in class, but she had pink and blue hair, wore dressed and had a tattoo on her foot. My ex bestfriend and I used to have fun with her and how quiet she was. Eventually my ex best friend kept pushing us into eachother so we just became really good friends. I love her.
Jason, I met him here on TheO actually. He was my childhood best friend's new best friend after she moved away. He messaged me and at first I thought he was a bit weird but then we really became friends. We didnt get close though until I came out as trans and he helped me figure things out.
13: Name one movie that made you cry.
Moulin Rouge. omfg. It made me cry in the first three minutes.
14: Do you prefer to read poetry, write poetry, or neither?
I like to read it. c:
15: Things about someone that you find attractive?
I like nice hair, a sincere smile, pretty eyes, dominance *~*, and gentlemanliness.
16: What song are you currently listening to?
When the Day Met the Night by Panic! At The Disco ~ this song is one of Jason and I's songs. He's my sunshine and I'm his moonlight.
17: Have you ever broken a bone? If so, how?
I haven't. owo but I have dislocated my collarbone before.
18: A random memory from you childhood:
My brother and I liked to play in my grandparent's huge garden. We'd make up little stories and swing on tire swings and pick flowers for my grandma. One time the tree branch snapped while I was on the tire swing. LOL
19: Where did you grow up?
Kansas, in the same city I'm in now.
20: What was the last thing you watched on tv?
21: Do you think you’d make a good parent?
No. v~v I'm not responsible and I lose my temper way too quickly.
I do have a maternal instinct though. I would say paternal but really I just want to make sure everyone is happy and well taken care of. I'm not a very good protector/provider. But my friends and I all joke about how I'm their mother/mommy.
22: Would you like to meet any of your Tumblr friends in person?
I don't really have any tumblr friends xD I literally have 11 followers. I've never posted anything that's mine on there, though I might.
22: What was the last dream you remember having?
Something about me murdering this guy trying to kidnap me. I was sent to a reform school and I was punished there for not obeying the rules. I had to walk around nude as punishment ???? Then I held a rebellion and got assassinated.
23: When is your birthday?
May 15th, 1996.
24: How many pillows do you sleep with?
At the moment, none xD I haven't slept with a pillow since summer started. I just use my arms or a blanket or a stuffed animal. I don't know where my pillows went cx
25: Do you wear glasses? If so, how long have you been wearing glasses?
Yeah. owo I've been wearing them since 3rd grade.
26: What color is your hair?
As of right now, it's a dark red-brown. I really like it.
27: Name 5 facts about your appearance:
-I only have freckles on my right shoulder.
-My body/facial hair is all blond. o_O so I don't really worry about shaving except when I feel like it.
-I'm 5'6. Annoyingly tall because I always think I'm shorter than I actually am.
-My eyes are weird. They're a greyish green, leaning more on the yellow side than blue.
-I'm anemic, and I have a blood disorder. I bruise really easily and I'm really fragile. And I bleed for literally forever. It takes at least 30 minutes to stop myself from bleeding from a small cut, even with pressure on it.
28: What is your favorite soda?
Ah I like mostly any Fanta. I don't drink dark colored soda except rootbeer.
29: What is a strange talent that you have?
I'm not sure. owo my talents are pretty normal.
30: How’s the weather right now?
Probably cool-ish for a summer. It's 2:30am.
31: Why did one of your friendships end?
Because she gave up on me. But I'm glad it ended. She was a manipulative bitch.
32: Who do you miss right now?
My boyfriend. I've really been craving his kisses and cuddles for a while now.
33: Why did your last relationship end?
He wanted to change me. I was gender-confused, he was sexually-confused.
34: Are you still figuring out who you are?
I think I know a lot about myself.
35: Have you ever been admitted to a hospital? Why?
Suicide watch, irregular periods, and my rapid/irregular heartbeat. Stupid and hilarious that I have a rapid heartbeat when I also have a heartbeat fetish. LOL
36: What is your favorite restaurant?
Buffet City. Chinese food *~*
37: What is word that you always seem to spell wrong?
Ah, definitely. <---
38: Would ever adopt kids?
39: What is your favorite kind of pizza?
I love it all, but I think I like supreme the most.
40: What was your first thought when you woke up this morning?
"What time is it? Please don't be 5pm."
41: When was the last time you got really really happy and why?
Hm. Hard to tell because I'm pretty happy these days.
42: What’s the strangest thing you’ve ever eaten?
Pickled green beans, beets, and asparagus. Actually really good by the way. Really addicting.
43: How do you start a conversation?
I don't. LOL but no, I usually compliment or say something that reminds me of them.
44: What’s a band you’ve been obsessed with lately?
I would do anything for love... BUT I WON'T. DO. THAT~~
45: Do you come from a family “of money?”
46: Do you have a bucket list?
I do. ^.^
47: What is your favorite series of books?
Knight and Rogue, Fallen. c:
48: When was the last time you laughed so hard your stomach hurt?
Probably laughing with Jason about Ed, Edd and Eddy xD
49: Where do you go when you’re sad?
My room, or if it's really bad, my bathroom.
50: 5 random facts about yourself:
-I'm always really cuddly.
-My hands are always cold, but the rest of me is like a heater. My friends like to use me to warm them up in the cold weather by clinging to me xD
-I have really shaky hands. How I'm an artist, I'll never know.
-I really want to be a model. But I think that's a very impossible dream for anxious, non-photogenic me.
-I narrate my life in my head in a writerly way. And I can never stop it. >.<
earl grey: how do you take your tea?
Usually hot, with sugar. Sometimes with milk depending on the flavor.
lady grey: favorite outfit?
A pajama outfit I wear. xD it makes me feel cute. It's a black oversized shirt with a white tiger graphic that has teal and purple colors on it. Then I wear mint colored panties and my colorfully striped spa socks.
irish breakfast: what country do you want to visit?
Any European country really. c:
chamomile: comfort movie?
Moulin Rouge or Rocky Horror Picture Show. n.n
peppermint: what's your favorite holiday and why?
Christmas, or Halloween, or Valentine's Day!
Christmas because I love winter and it's just such a romantic time for me. Halloween because I get to dress up in costumes and get candy.
And Valentine's Day because everything is so pretty and flowery and cute! And so much chocolate exists~~
milk: do you have any allergies?
There's a spider I'm allergic to, but I don't know what kind it is. I'm also allergic to a certain type of sunblock. -.- found that out the hard way.
sugar: tell me about your first crush
His name was Justin, and both my friend and I had a crush on him. He was this little rocker dude in the 5th grade. I tried to emulate him to get him to notice me but he never saw me as anything more than a friend. Eventually we got older and lost contact. Then we met again and he told me he liked me, but yet chose my friend over me. Oh well. That's kind of how it used to be with me.
honey: type out the last text you sent
/)w( I'd rather not. It's a cheesy goodnight message to my boyfriend okay.
green tea: where do you feel most at peace?
Just chilling at home in my room late at night. Usually talking to my boyfriend on the phone. Sometimes late at night I'll go out in the living room to draw and listen to music.
bubble tea: what ride would you pick at an amusement park?
I really like the Ferris wheel, or Tilt-a-Whirl. I'm not one for crazy rides, but I do enjoy them sometimes.
mug: when/where do you normally drink tea?
Mostly at night when I'm trying to chill. But lately I've been drinking it a lot more because it helps to soothe my tummy.
chai: what do you order at starbucks?
oolong: what are you hoping to be doing in ten years?
Being a part time housespouse and working at a decent job. Hopefully selling my own crafts and performing at the renfaire and writing.
herbal: post a selfie
This picture is instagram'd all to hell omg. But this is actually what I look like right now. c:
coffee: surprise coffee question! how do you take your coffee?
With creamer/milk and sugar. c: pretty much any way except black.