I realize that I haven't given a real update on life in a while. So here goes.
I'm just going to flat out say it. I'm not okay. I feel like I am suffocating. Like these insecurities are literally wrapping their evil little hands around my neck. Like I'm trapped in a sound proof room with no way out. No windows. No one to hear me scream.
All I ever want to do anymore is cry. Earlier, I was playing Uno with my family and I literally started laughing hysterically to stop myself from crying. I've cried myself to sleep these past few nights.
I just... hate myself.
I'm not a perfect "daughter." I'm not boyish enough. I'm not skinny enough. I'm not attractive. I'm not optimistic despite my efforts. I'm just worthless. I'm dirt.
I feel so wrong around my family. I cringe inside everytime my parents call me Kayla. Even if I were not transgender, I don't see myself as that dumb girl. I've grown up and cut almost all association with Kayla. When I was her, I was suicidal and depended on my abusive friend for happiness. I was also a pill popper. No, I'm not Kayla. Not anymore.
And I'm not a girl. Never really have been. I just wish they would listen...
I have been counting calories and working my ass off all summer to lose weight. And what have I lost? Not a single pound.
I thought I had my gender expression figured out. I thought that I had a whole new look for myself planned. But with the money issues my family is having and the unlikelihood of me getting a job, I doubt we'll have much money before school starts back up. And I mean... Kyle has offered to buy things for me, but I just wouldn't feel right. Not when I can barely buy him anything for our anniversaries and holidays. Not when he's bought so much for me already.
And it sucks because I want to spend the night with him again for our upcoming one year anniversary but for some reason, my mom doesn't seem to be so keen on the idea. Something about not having gas money to take me there, but my landlord (who took me down there last time) offered to take me back down there again if I just asked. I don't know. My mom is just strange, honestly.
And I'm lonely. I honestly can't decide whether that's my fault or not. I have people to talk to, but the only one I want to confide in is Kyle. And maybe Lyn and Nick but I can't get a hold of either of them. And while Kyle does listen to me, he's been busy lately and I don't want to be a bother. He tells me that I'm not and that I can always talk to him about these things but he worries about me enough. I don't want him to worry about me anymore until I know he can handle it.
Everyone always tells me how much I mean to them. And how I should stop being so hard on myself. But I just can't. I can never believe them about anything nice they say about me. I always feel like they just say these things out of pity, not from their hearts. Which I know my friends better than to lie about something like that. I just don't think I deserve their kind words.
Today, I did something self-destructive. I binged out on food. I ate as much as I could. I wanted to few lousy like I felt inside. That's something that's always been behind my self-harming.
I like to treat myself as a canvas. If I feel torn apart, I'll rip through my skin with razors. I like to see myself bleed. I like seeing the emotion slip from my body. Why? I'm not sure. I like to express myself, I guess.
No need to worry, I haven't cut or anything like that since last November. I don't see myself giving into temptation anytime soon... Though I would very much love to right about now.
I'm just so insecure. I'm always worried that Kyle's going to leave me or that I'll end up friendless next year at school. I'm so insecure that I'll get misgendered even more than usual. I'm so damn worried about anything and everything, and I just want to relax.
What I need is just a day away from life. A day of just meditation and relaxation and a day just to calm down and pamper myself. But I can't have that...
I know that this depression will pass. I do have hope of that. But the insecurities I have inside are always there in the back of my mind, even at my happiest of moments.
It's just something that happens.
I don't know. Hopefully Kyle will cheer me up tomorrow or I find something to take my mind off of it.
I feel like I'm losing Kyle.
I'm not sure exactly what is causing me to feel this way.
It's just that he's been acting strange these past few days. It's not anything major but I have noticed. He doesn't text me as often to check up on me. He doesn't tell me goodnight like he usual does. I don't know, there are a lot of things.
I don't know.
But with all of my insecurities, it sucks. I really hope this is the one thing I didn't screw up.
It's probably nothing. At least I hope it's nothing. I hope that I'm just paranoid over nothing, which does tend to happen often. I hope that I'm just being my usual self and overreacting.
I don't want to lose him.
I really love him. I'm utterly in love with him.
Please let me keep him here and happy with me. Please.
Like I said, there's probably nothing wrong so don't worry. But I just really needed to get this off my chest.
I talked to Kyle this morning and he admitted to acting a little strange. He said it was because he's been really tired lately. Plus now that I think about it, he has been pretty busy as well.
So I was just overreacting. >.<
He reassured me that he's still mine and I'm still his. And that he loves me, no question about it haha. He told me that there really was never any doubt about it. c:
So yeah, everything is okay now.
So I went to my friend Carli's house today. We hung out, watched a movie-- Year One. It was pretty great. Plus it had Michael Cera in it. I mean come on.
Though hanging out with did make me realize, that I need to do more with my summer. I haven't hung out with anyone in a while. I rarely do. My friends are always unavailable, and I'm not allowed to ever have people over at my house ever so it sucks. :c
It also made me realize how much I miss Nick and Lyn. Nick has disappeared off the face of the earth; he hasn't been online at all this summer. And Lyn is busy with work, plus she doesn't have a phone of her own, so she's rarely on Facebook as well.
I miss being able to talk to them about Kyle, and my life in general without feeling judged. I really need to get back in contact with them, and soon. Because while I can talk to Kyle about absolutely anything and he is my best friend, I need someone to talk about Kyle with.
Well, obviously not only talking about him LOL. I'm not obsessed.
But Carli seems to think I am. I tried to confide in her today and it didn't really work out so well. It only left us both feeling awkward. She thinks I'm obsessed because he's "all I talk about". Which is untrue, by the way. I talk about plenty of other things lmao. I just haven't had a lot going on honestly. Especially with school being out and me being pretty antisocial.
Me and Kyle are very close, yes. But we do give each other plenty of space. I think that's what makes our relationship so strong. We don't suffocate one another We have the anticipation of seeing eachother again after long periods of time. Also, we have a best friendship beneath our relationship. We can talk to each other about absolutely anything.
So. Kyle and I have been trying to figure out what to do to celebrate our one year together. But we're both clueless LOL. >.< so if you could give me any suggestions, that would be AWESOME. It takes place on July 18th, so planning around that time period would be great.
Oh! And I'm considering starting up another Roleplay group. It would be about Incubi/Succubi. I'm not quite sure how to explain it, but once I get it up, maybe it'll seem interesting lol.
Anyway, there's your update. I shall be posting in Evil Angel as well as working on the possible new RP later tonight. I may also post a story I finished a while back and maybeeeee upload more art. Maybe.
here's me from today. :D been a while since I actually tried to look acceptable lol. I feel cute for once. n.n
Alright, so I recently got back into one of my favorite albums by one of my favorite bands.
AFI, with their Decemberunderground album.
I was just innocently listening to Love Like Winter.
And while I'm watching the music vi...
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So my phone bill was paid today. /phew.
So yeah. I'm really fucking happy about that honestly. Dear god. I was honestly really worried about it. But I guess my parents managed to scrape up the money just in time. I feel really happy about that and my mood has definitely gone up.
So, yes. I will continue being online as usual. c:
Once again, I find myself feeling blocked on creativity. So please, people. Please. Request me. Art trade with me. Roleplay with me. Collab writing something with me. ANYTHING. I literally don't care. I just want something productive to do this summer. I haven't written much and I really need to get back into it.
Also, my lips swelled up REALLY big today.
I thought it was from me biting them but they've never been like this before so I decided to google it. And apparently my best guess is that it's from kissing Kyle so much the other day. /)///( how lovely...
But yeah. I'm in a fantastic mood. c: