Wow, I feel like I haven't updated this in a while. I guess it has been about a week or so? I'm not sure. Anyway. Have I got quite a bit to talk about!
Alright, well last thursday was when I last updated, feeling stressed out and alone. School is really putting pressure on me. Because wow, I'm a high school senior. I'm still in disbelief that I made it this far.
I was feeling really confused and upset, Kyle was quite busy with his friends and my family was bothering me again. And I ended up having an anxiety attack. Everyone I called was busy and/or didn't answer.
So I did something stupid.
Yeah, I relapsed.
I used scissors and cut. On the inside of my forearm, but most of it and the worst of it was on my thighs.
10 months of being self-harm free, down the drain in one night.
After I did so, I called Kyle and left him a message telling him to call me asap. He called at about midnight and I told him what happened. He cheered me up and helped me realize that I can stay strong again. That the next day was a new day.
So I'm okay now. I still feel guilty about it but I'll be alright.
Then the following weekend, I went to go hang out with my friend Jessica. Well, actually she goes by Emily now but I'm so used to Jessica or Jecca/Jeccwa, that I now call her Emka. Which is totally cool 'cause it sounds like a Russian name or something hahaha. We just chilled at her house for a while and drew stuff, talking about the Teahouse comic. (omg I'm in love with it btw) then the next day we went clothes shopping for her. I helped her pick out clothes and we joked about me being Clinton from What Not To Wear lmao.
Then I had school for a full week this week. I actually really adore my classes so far. Except yesterday I got switched out of Culinary Arts to be in Financial Literacy. -m- I failed that class last year so I have to retake it. With the same bitch of a teacher. e.e
My government class is boring, but I have Nick, Destiny, and Gabi in there so it's manageable.
Then I have Math Applications, which is a LOT easier than I thought it would be. I'm certain I'll do well in that class.
Then there's Special Art Production (AP Art) and I have a few friends in there like my ex-girlfriend (? I don't think I ever told you guys about her. LOL it wasn't very serious. Basically, her and I acted like a couple, and so we tried actually dating, but it was an open-relationship because I had a crush on a guy at the time. I wasn't attracted to her though, so we never kissed or anything. Just held hands and cuddled and stuff. I broke up with her at the end of my sophomore year because we couldn't talk to eachother over the summer (or so I told her). She still has a major crush on me lol cx), her name is Twiggy. Or rather that's just what she goes by. For some reason I never learned.
Then I have psychology and my god I love that class. It's really interesting and our teacher does a lot of demonstrations. I have that class with Lyn and Gabi.
I have English with a LOT of my friends. Nick, Gabi, Destiny, Devon, and Jamie.
Aaaand then there's graphic design. I don't have any friends in there but it's okay because I can really focus on drawing in there, with my headphones in and whatnot.
And finally, Repertory Theater. It's one of my favorites. I have Nick, Carli, Dezi, and Summer there.
I have the same basic assignment for Art and Graphic Design x~x which is to create a superhero/villain for a gallery thing at a college. I've got the basic ideas down. The one for Art is a villain, she's based off the idea of a "little white lie". Then for Graphic Design I'm still thinking. I'm considering this character I made for a story last year. He's the genderbent version of my friend Cassidy. He's a comic book geek who thinks he's a superhero. He doesn't actually have any powers, but he likes to think he does. He wears a cape, a shirt with a 'C' on it like the Superman emblem thing, (it stand for Chris) and skinny jeans lolol. But I also like the idea of a stripper hero, LOL or a writer guy who uses ink and stuff. But I don't know :u
Also!! I'm auditioning for a role in the musical my school is putting on this year. We're doing Little Shop of Horrors. n___n
I figured I should do something different, considering it's my senior year. I just don't like auditioning for anything. But I'm gonna have to get used to it if I want to have a career or anything in theatre.
I originally wanted to go for the part of Seymore, or the Dentist-- Orin. But then I remembered that I cannot sing, and I especially cannot sing in front of people.
Carli and I told Nick he HAS to be the Dentist.
So I decided on the masochistic dude who gets off while he's getting a "long... slow... root canal"
It's gonna be hilarious if Nick and I get those parts.
Here's what my scene would be, if I got that role:
I'm really excited cx
Next weekend, I'm gonna try to go see Kyle. I'm having boyfriend-withdrawals D: </3
Well there's your update cx I'm not doing anything this weekend that I know of so I'll be here if anyone wants me~
Oh and have some selfies. They're from the first day of school.
[ ] You tilt your head when you're confused.
[x] You love sweets and cute things.
[x] You are often confused and lost in conversations with your friends.
[x] You blush simply thinking of sexual things.
[ ] People often call you cute.
[x] You care a lot about your friends.
[x] You embarrass yourself a lot with silly question or statements.
[x] You like bright, soft colors.
[x] You enjoy listening to cute, sweet, gentle songs.
[ ] You add things to the end of your friend's names
[x] People often say "aww" when you've done something clumsy/silly.
[ ] You like anime/movies about romance, love and friendship.
Your Tsundere side:
 You come off as tough and confident on the outside, when you are actually soft and emotional on the inside
[ ] You often hide your true feelings for someone.
[x] You are caring but deny it when someone tells it to you.
[/] You are protective. (I'm not bodyguard material, but I will make sure people I care about are okay and keep them out of bad situations)
[/] When someone bugs you, you tell them right away strongly, but are still on the inside worried that you've hurt them. (I never tell anyone right away, I always worry that I'm hurting people)
[x] You are easily embarrassed.
[x] Compliments make you feel awkward and you always deny them.
[ ] You tease and bully the one you love to hide your feelings.
[ ] You can be violent at times.
[x] You may hurt people a lot, but regret it right away
[ ] When people say Thank You, you often reply by saying it was for yourself
[ ] You never cry in front of others.
Your Yandere side:
[x] You are often loving, caring, sweet - until someone upsets you badly.
[ ] When angry, you're normally hide it until the time for revenge is right. (I never get revenge or stay mad at someone for too long. It's a weakness.)
[ ] You can at times, be obsessive.
[ ] People have said you are "two-faced".
[x] People tell you you're nice, but can be creepy at times.
[ ] You scare the crap out of your friends when you get upset.
[x]People find it weird to see you anything other than gentle and smiling.
[x] When you're upset, sometimes you still smile, even when saying something harsh.
[ ] You can get very violent.
[ ] You love to help people, but often love to help yourself more.
[ ] You like slow, sweet, but twisted songs.
[x] You like colors like dark blue or light red.
Your Kuudere side:
[ ] You don't show your emotions to others.
[ ] You hide your true feelings.
[x] When you become close to someone, you slowly open up.
[x] Although you don't show it, you are easily made happy.
[ ] You care for others a lot, still you don't show it.
[ ] People think you are mysterious.
[x] You can be shy.
[x] You aren't very loud, rather silent.
[ ] You know who to trust and who not to.
[ ] You choose your friends wisely.
[x]You like simple colors, like light purple or white.
[x] You are rather mature.
Your Dandere side:
[x] You are a shy person.
[x] You are quiet and don't speak up for yourself.
[x] You look down instead of straight forwards when walking.
[x] You sometimes go to extreme levels just to get out of public speaking.
[x] You have stage fright.
[ ] You are stoic and not very open.
[x] You hide yourself with your hair at times.
[x] Your face starts boiling when speaking with others.
[x] You speak very quietly in case you say something silly or you sound weird.
[x] You are afraid of meeting new people.
[ ] You are a hard worker.
[x] You do not have as many friendships as others, but those you do have, you cherish very much.
Result: Dandere o;
And now I'm off to make French toast and dye my hair. Bye-bye~
My self-esteem has literally plummeted to a new low.
Yesterday, I was taking a shower. And like a lot of other people, I do a lot of thinking in the shower. Well I began wondering about my gender again. And I just came to the conclusion that I'm literally just a crossdressing, femme, trans boy. And I felt good about that. For a moment until I really started looking at my body.
Normally I take good care of myself. But as of late, my skin has gotten really rough, my face and shoulder/chest/collarbone have broken out in acne really bad, I have bruises all up and down my right side (??? from what, I don't know), and the scars on my wrists and calves are oddly visible. I had never felt so ugly in my life.
I always considered my wrists my favorite part of my body. I just love my skin tone in that area (it's like porcelain) and my veins are like an indigo color. But what I love about them most of all is that no matter how deep or how much I had ripped them open, the scars never showed. So you can imagine how I felt seeing the scars. :(
Then, naturally, I started feeling the dysphoria of being a male in a female's body. I know it sounds so cliche, but it really is like being trapped. Nothing feels right. It's suffocating and heart-breaking.
I was in the middle of washing my hair and face when I just sort of lost it. I started feeling like I was going to faint or throw up. So I washed out my conditioner and face wash, threw on a towel and ran to my room, thinking I just needed to calm down and relax for a moment.
But it didn't work. I ended up crying over how dissatisfied I am with my body. And that led to an anxiety attack.
I tried calling Kyle, but he didn't answer. He's the only one who knows how to handle me when I'm breaking down. But he didn't answer. I think he was at his friend's house or asleep.
So, instinctively, I tried to grab for my razors. Which I threw out last December.
With no real escape or outlet, I ended up throwing up. It wasn't forced or anything. I had just.. made myself sick.
So after that, I made a list of homemade remedies to hopefully make myself look better.
But still, I can't believe that I actually made myself sick. x.x that's never happened before. I mean, I've felt nauseous during panic attacks before, but never have I actually thrown up over my appearance before. o.e
Anyway, I ended up talking to Kyle all night last night and that helped a lot and made me feel better. It was nice because we haven't gotten to talk much lately since he's really busy with his friends.
Then today, I just did chores, did my laundry (ALL OF IT. lol. I have no dirty clothes at the moment *~*) and cooked dinner. I made chicken Alfredo. It was really good, and I haven't cooked anything in a long time so that was nice.
Tonight, I'm gonna take a bath and use all of my home remedies for my body and face and such.
I hope I at least look decent before Wednesday. That's the first day back at school.
I'm actually really excited, but nervous. I've really got to get down to business this year since I'm a senior. Also really nervous about telling my teachers that I go by Kyle. I had a lot of cool teachers that completely understood last year, but this year might be different. I hope my teachers are cool. .-.
Oh yeah. I'm dying my hair again Tuesday night. I know, I dye my hair a lot but I don't like faded hair color. Plus I didn't want to start school looking all unkempt. :U
I'm going a brighter auburn. I'm hoping for more of a orange-y color this time around. It's not much different than the last color I dyed it. Right now it's faded to a light-ish brown. I like my hair brown, but I wanna keep it bright-ish before fall really gets here.
Here's a few pictures of it before it's gone:
Once again, I find myself in a struggle of my self-expression, my gender identity and who I really am.
Up until I was around 14, I always just thought of myself as a tomboy with a femme side. I just thought that I was a girl, and that was the end of it. That the reason I hated my body was because I'm chubby. (well obese but hey)
But then I created a character when i turned about 14-15 that I often role played as. This character was named Kyle and he was the male version of myself. I actually hated the name Kyle but my ex best friend who was also creating a character said we should go with names close to our "girl" names.
As time went on, I started sort of... morphing into this character. Because I felt so complete and confident when I role played as Kyle. I began embracing my femininity but hating my own female body.
Me and my ex best friend started to joke about how Kyle had become a part of me. He literally was a second personality. Me and my ex friend joked about "if I were a man".
The idea of being a man started to really appeal to me. Not because of male-privileges or because I'm some yaoi fangirl but because everything seemed to make sense and feel right. It was like finally fitting together two puzzles pieces.
So I did some research into the trans* spectrum and did a lot of learning and officially came out as a transgender male.
Once I finally accepted myself as transgender, I thought that I had it all figured out. That I was simply a boy in a girl's body.
But then sexuality and expression came into the equation and I found myself identifying as an effeminate gay man.
Which I have identified with up until recently.
Now, just listen to me. Clothes do not define gender. They are simply fabric covering your body. Nor does makeup or hair or even appearance in gender dictate someone's gender. So when I say things like present myself as a woman or a man, I mean mind-set-wise by either embracing my female body or binding and such to give myself a more masculine figure.
I've been wanting to wear dresses and heels lately. It's sort of a step up from my usual crossdressing (makeup and long-ish hair) but I still want to bind my chest in whatever dress I'm wearing. Underneath the clothes what do you have: a boy; still.
Basically, a boy in a dress.
And at first, that's all I thought I wanted. Which the idea still absolutely appeals to me.
But recently, I've found myself wanting to present as a woman a few times.
Now, I know that I'm predominantly a boy. I prefer male pronouns and my male name. I'm still a feminine boy who likes other boys. I'm, as my friends call me, a pretty boy. n.n
But maybe I want to be a boy who is a girl sometimes, or a boy and girl at the same time or neither or interchanging genders.
I'm starting to consider the possibilities that I'm genderfluid or bigender.
And I mean, I know that I don't necessarily have to label myself or even know what gender I am. I don't have to identify with anything. But I want to. Feeling like I don't know who I am sucks. More than I can express.
And also. How can I correct people with their pronouns if I don't even know what gender I am?
I'm just feeling kind of lost lately about it.
Also, aside from gender, WHO AM I. Like literally. I don't know. I can tell you things I enjoy, things that I do. But I can't talk about myself to save my life.
I don't know what to say about myself. I think you can tell that from my introduction lolol. I just... don't have any idea.
And I've been thinking about my future lately.
I've always been dead-set on not doing much except on-the-job training. No schooling. No college. Nothing.
But I'm really thinking about maybe finding out some options about some sort of schooling in theatre work.
Maybe writing on the side as a serious thing as well. Because writing is my true passion but acting is something I'm quite passionate about as well. And even if it's not acting, I considering myself pretty skilled at designing costumes and doing makeup.
And I'm definitely getting serious about my writing lately.
But then I'm also really into my drawing as well. I mean, it's one of my main things in school. And I'm decent at it but I'm not sure I'd be able to keep a career in it unless it was an on-the-side thing. As much as I get frustrated with my art, I don't see that as a good idea.
And then there's baking and cooking, which, not to brag but, I'm fantastic at. Everyone loves my deserts. And I've been told I make really good dinner. cx and I love setting tables and such. But granted, maybe I'd just be happy with hosting dinner parties every Friday night hahaha.
I don't know. Jeez. I need to do some self-discovering. Between my gender/appearance, personality and my goals, I'm starting to realize I really don't know much about myself.