You know what really fucking sucks??
When you're super happy about everything, and the way life is going. Then just all of a sudden jealousy hits you and you don't feel joyful anymore.
I'm jealous. Of a lot of people. Of everyone I know.
I envy the people who can stand up for themselves. I envy the people who just go for what they want. The people who are confident in themselves. The people who don't have to mentally prepare themselves for hours just to say hi to someone. The people who can just be themselves without fear. The people who don't need anyone's approval to feel validated in life. Those who can make their loved ones happy. Those who just react on impulse without worrying about the outcome.
It just hurts. It hurts feeling like a damn anxious loser most of the time. And I'm such a jealous mess. People always tell me how I'm so sweet. If I'm so sweet why do I get so maliciously jealous... of everyone.
I always overreact to everything. I constantly make a fool out of myself. I get so embarrassed that I want to die really easily over things that other people could forget in an instant.
Like why do I have to be so damn anxious all the time. For god's sake, I can't even correct people when they misgender me. I can't order food or pay for my own stuff because I don't like talking to strangers. I can't say excuse me, or sorry, or thank you, or anything. Which makes me appear rude but I just can't bring myself to say anything.
Whenever I try, I have a stupid panic attack. I literally feel my heart start racing and I get nauseous and weak-kneed. My whole face and my ears even get really hot and red. I end up on the verge of tears and I stammer a lot and don't even make any sense.
Like not too long ago, I went to a pizza buffet place with my family. And the place was so crowded with people. I couldn't even bring myself to go get food.
And my parents literally just laughed at me. They made fun of me. Then told me that I'll have to get rid of my "shyness" as they call it, once I'm in the "real world."
Okay. NO SHIT. I know that. They really think that I choose to be this "shy"?!?!
No. It's not even shyness. Shyness simply delays your progress in talking to people. No, I'm not shy. I have an anxiety disorder. Meaning that I literally canNOT talk to people. It STOPS me from doing things because I'm so afraid of socializing.
And it isn't just social anxiety either. Though that is a big part of it. I have anxiety over EVERYTHING. And I mean EVERYTHING.
I just... hate everything about me. I can't name one thing that I like about myself.
I don't want to be like this anymore.
Just a rant. I'll be alright. After a nap.
I just really needed to vent. Sorry about that.
In other news. I recently dyed my hair. It's like a red-ish brown color. I really like it. I also re-styled my bangs sort of. I haven't gotten a good picture of it yet though. So that'll come eventually.
Well... I guess I do have a picture of me with my boyfriend. I don't really look so great in it, though but oh well.
We were being really gay and wearing eachother's shirts. lol. Like I said, I don't really like how I look but it's a cute picture I think. I'll take a better one of myself later.
My boyfriend is adorable in case you didn't know. <333
Ah my grandpa is finally out of the hospital and my mom is back to work so I guess I have more time on my hands. So if you'd like to request me or art trade with me, go right ahead.
I'm writing this as I'm on the way home from Kyle's, so forgive me if I sound sleepy as hell or there's a million typos. It's an hour drive back home and I'm bored while trying to keep myself awake.
Well Kyle and I celebrated our one year together yesterday/today. Yesterday was the official date. We went to see Monster's University first. If you get the chance, you should totally see it. It'a hilarious and definitely worth a watch. It's really cute as well!
Then we went to Applebee's for dinner with his dad. It felt like we were being set up, because right when we walked in, the song playing was Here In Your Arms by Hellogoodbye. Then as we were ordering, they played an Owl City song, which /our/ song is Vanilla Twilight by Owl City. It was really just fantastic.
I ordered an oriental chicken salad. Oh and I actually ordered for myself for once. I don't like talking to anyone so usually I just tell my friend or family member what I want and they tell the server. But after Kyle's encouragement, I did so and although I was mortified, the salad was wonderful.
Due to my strange eating habits lately, I only made a dent in the salad. I haven't been able to function properly as of the last few days. I can't sleep for more than a few hours at a time. Can barely eat anything. It's... really weird and starting to concern me.
Jesus the sun is really bright in the window. Good lord. -hisses at the sunlight-
I don't know, when Kyle and I were trying to go to sleep, I couldn't even relax. Which is weird. Because usually I melt when I'm around Kyle. I fell asleep for maybe two hours while having a nightmare. I woke up soaked in sweat and my whole body just ached like it never has before. So I just laid awake for a few hours watching TV, waiting for Kyle to wake up.
Then we went and had breakfast. I ordered for myself AGAIN. (It's really just a big deal for me hahaha) and I had a waffle with strawberries on top. Omg. So good.
Most of our time was spent watching stuff together. First we watched Game of Thrones and Kyle got me really into that. THANK YOU BOYFRIEND for getting me into a show that I prolly can't watch at home. ;-; seriously though. I thoroughly enjoyed it. I don't remember exactly how far into we got though. O:
Then we watched The Venture Bros for the majority of the time. I just really fucking love that show. It's like Kyle and I's favorite show to watch together besides Adventure Time. God we were up until 4am watching it and laughing. Trying really hard to make sense of that show but pfff no. That doesn't happen. Still it was great and a lot of jokes were made. Like about Dean going all emo and the Monarch... come on. How can you not love the Monarch. cx
I've never felt so close to anyone before. The only person who came close was my ex bestfriend and she was a bitch about it. She judged me for everything. Everything I was. Everything I wasn't. But Kyle... he's just perfect.
He knows me inside and out. More than I would ever let anyone else know. I just feel like I can be myself around him.
I've never felt so happy. I'm so in love.
Okay well I'm home now and I'm going to take a nap. I'll be up in a few hours if anyone wants me.
It's 8:40am and I haven't slept yet. So I'm sorry if this post seems a little on crack. o____e
Well there isn't much going on lately. Still kind of battling this depression but I'm closer to being happy and fabulous again lolol.
I think the reason why I don't sleep much is because of the nightmares I've been having. I'm not consciously trying to stay awake for so long but ??? It just happens.
I don't know. Usually my dreams don't make any sense at all. Like I'm batting a forest full of creatures to save a little ginger boy orrrr going shopping with Andy Biersack. (Yeah that was an odd one)
But lately they've been really terrifying and messing with my head. Bringing back old memories that I would rather not remember. Like when my ex best friend began hating me. Or even worse, when my parents were fighting all the time.
Recently, the one I had was where I was about 10 or so and my brother was probably 7 and my parents were still together I guess. We were shopping or something and I guess my dad did something to piss my mom off majorly. So she went on this homicidal rage on him, but my dad was completely oblivious to this??? I wont go into detail about the rage. These were pretty gruesome things. So we got home, and my dad went to the bedroom and watched TV. My brother and I went to calm my mom down in the living room. And for a while, she seemed fine so my brother and I left the room. After a while, I went to check on her. And she was hacking away at her neck with a knife... So naturally, I stopped her but then she turned on me, and was heading for my dad. So I blocked the doorway to the bedroom. My dad and brother were asleep. (or maybe dead? idk) and she was slicing at me until she pushed me down and I had to watch her mutilate my dad's body, ripping him open and such.
I woke up right as she came back for me.
So yeah >____< before my parents divorced, they fought A LOT. And they did try to hurt one another. And my mom did hit me when I was around 11 years old.
So yeah, I was pretty messed up about even looking at my mom after that dream.
I've been really wanting to watch The Rocky Horror Picture Show. And I have it on DVD but my brother took it to my dad's and now I'm waiting for his ass to bring it back. -.-
Hmm, what else.
Oh, my boyfriend has a TheO account~ deaththekid0880
So you can go harass him now. >:D
I'm kidding be nice to my boyfriend. <33
Aaaaand I have a new deviantArt account: APrinceInDistress
Though I'm not sure if I can actually post art on there or not. .w. I tried earlier but it was being difficult.
Also, I haven't heard anything new about my grandpa. x.x I hope he's alright. I think he's just recovering from surgery still.
I've been trying to get back into writing a story I started in the middle of the last school year but I'm so picky about my work. I've started it completely over at least 30 times. >.<
I don't think I've mentioned the story on here.
It's sort of an apocalyptic thing. Basically, there are two girls who keep the earth balanced between good and evil. They keep the demons and angels in check. Well, the demon girl-- Jenesta, kills the angel chick-- Ophelia. Therefore, demons start overrunning everything.
But the story focuses on Gabriel, the main character, and his lover, Alairik. There are also minor characters as well. And basically Gabriel and Alairik sort of have to take the places of Jenesta and Ophelia. But in order to do so, they have to face their deepest fears. Not to mention that they're on opposite "teams" so I guess you can kinda see where that'll lead. Or not. cx
Okay well now it's 9:12am. So I think I may or may not sleep now. All I know is that I'm tired of typing. x.x
Well, I feel better than I did in my last post. Sort of.
I finally really vented to Kyle and he listened and it was pretty great. n.n We talked for three hours on the phone last night and it was really nice, after he'd been busy with his friends lately. We talked about anything and everything. It's really wonderful to have him back.
We talked about our future and decided that I probably won't move in with him and his mom right out of high school like we had originally planned. He really wants to get me out of my repressive household. But I know that I'll need time, at least until Kyle and I have enough money to buy a place together before I start over anywhere.
It... still terrifies me though. I don't want to leave my family and friends. Especially if Kyle's my only reason to move to a whole new town.
But granted, he's important enough for me to even consider the option. And that's a pretty big deal considering if it were anyone else, I would probably tell them that if they wanted me, they'd have to move here. XD
Apparently there is no way in hell he'd never move to my area. :c which sucks, because he actually does have other people he knows here besides me and it's bigger which could mean more opportunities. I don't know. He said it's too big for him but... his area is too small for me!
I mean, when I do move to his town, my city will only be an hour's drive away. Which isn't too bad but it still really sucks. Not to mention I get homesick REALLY easily.
Oh well. We have a year or two to figure things out.
I also haven't been doing much aside from staying at home and writing, or helping my mom run errands and taking care of my grandma. I'm still in my depression, but I'm slowly coming out and getting back to my usual happy self lolol.
I feel like I should be seeing more of my friends, but my mom and grandma need me.
Plus I haven't really been in much of an acceptable mood lol. I don't really want to bum my friends out or worry them when I'm so quiet or awkward. Well more so than usual depending in the friend haha. But I also don't want them to see my eating habits. :x which have been reallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreally bad lately. One minute I'm starving myself, the next I'm binging out.
But I (think I) am going to see Kyle this Thursday for our one year anniversary. :D I think we're going to do something in my city first. Like see a movie maybe or go out to eat. I honestly have NO idea. Then I'm going to go home with him and stay the night again. c:
I need to start working on getting him some gifts. o;
Also, I haven't been very active in the past few days as you may have noticed. Well, there are some things going on that I'm dealing with. Like battling my current depression, self-destruction, etc.
But also, my grandfather is in the hospital. He had surgery today, I'm not sure what kind. But he's been in the hospital for a few days now and I've had to help out with taking care of my grandmother. She's very dependent on my grandfather so you can see how my grandfather's absence would be difficult. Basically I just keep up with my grandpa's garden and help with laundry and stuff. And my mom's been doing grocery shopping and stuff. So I've been busy with that.
... And I'll probably continue being busy. Until my grandpa recovers.
I shall return soon, with luck. c:
I realize that I haven't given a real update on life in a while. So here goes.
I'm just going to flat out say it. I'm not okay. I feel like I am suffocating. Like these insecurities are literally wrapping their evil little hands around my neck. Like I'm trapped in a sound proof room with no way out. No windows. No one to hear me scream.
All I ever want to do anymore is cry. Earlier, I was playing Uno with my family and I literally started laughing hysterically to stop myself from crying. I've cried myself to sleep these past few nights.
I just... hate myself.
I'm not a perfect "daughter." I'm not boyish enough. I'm not skinny enough. I'm not attractive. I'm not optimistic despite my efforts. I'm just worthless. I'm dirt.
I feel so wrong around my family. I cringe inside everytime my parents call me Kayla. Even if I were not transgender, I don't see myself as that dumb girl. I've grown up and cut almost all association with Kayla. When I was her, I was suicidal and depended on my abusive friend for happiness. I was also a pill popper. No, I'm not Kayla. Not anymore.
And I'm not a girl. Never really have been. I just wish they would listen...
I have been counting calories and working my ass off all summer to lose weight. And what have I lost? Not a single pound.
I thought I had my gender expression figured out. I thought that I had a whole new look for myself planned. But with the money issues my family is having and the unlikelihood of me getting a job, I doubt we'll have much money before school starts back up. And I mean... Kyle has offered to buy things for me, but I just wouldn't feel right. Not when I can barely buy him anything for our anniversaries and holidays. Not when he's bought so much for me already.
And it sucks because I want to spend the night with him again for our upcoming one year anniversary but for some reason, my mom doesn't seem to be so keen on the idea. Something about not having gas money to take me there, but my landlord (who took me down there last time) offered to take me back down there again if I just asked. I don't know. My mom is just strange, honestly.
And I'm lonely. I honestly can't decide whether that's my fault or not. I have people to talk to, but the only one I want to confide in is Kyle. And maybe Lyn and Nick but I can't get a hold of either of them. And while Kyle does listen to me, he's been busy lately and I don't want to be a bother. He tells me that I'm not and that I can always talk to him about these things but he worries about me enough. I don't want him to worry about me anymore until I know he can handle it.
Everyone always tells me how much I mean to them. And how I should stop being so hard on myself. But I just can't. I can never believe them about anything nice they say about me. I always feel like they just say these things out of pity, not from their hearts. Which I know my friends better than to lie about something like that. I just don't think I deserve their kind words.
Today, I did something self-destructive. I binged out on food. I ate as much as I could. I wanted to few lousy like I felt inside. That's something that's always been behind my self-harming.
I like to treat myself as a canvas. If I feel torn apart, I'll rip through my skin with razors. I like to see myself bleed. I like seeing the emotion slip from my body. Why? I'm not sure. I like to express myself, I guess.
No need to worry, I haven't cut or anything like that since last November. I don't see myself giving into temptation anytime soon... Though I would very much love to right about now.
I'm just so insecure. I'm always worried that Kyle's going to leave me or that I'll end up friendless next year at school. I'm so insecure that I'll get misgendered even more than usual. I'm so damn worried about anything and everything, and I just want to relax.
What I need is just a day away from life. A day of just meditation and relaxation and a day just to calm down and pamper myself. But I can't have that...
I know that this depression will pass. I do have hope of that. But the insecurities I have inside are always there in the back of my mind, even at my happiest of moments.
It's just something that happens.
I don't know. Hopefully Kyle will cheer me up tomorrow or I find something to take my mind off of it.