Tonight I'm leaving my dad's for good.
Life is going completely downhill.
Unless you have me on facebook, you probably won't hear from me much. Yeah. I'm more than likely losing my computer, until the summer so I can save up money to buy a laptop and internet for myself.
This is probably goodbye.
I don't know when I'm going to be able to post again, or even scan anything again, but so far, it's not looking good.
I'm sorry for the sudden leave, I really am. I didn't expect this to happen, honestly.
So if you want to talk to me, add me on facebook.
I still have internet on my phone, that's how I'm able to get on Facebook. Once I get my new phone, I may even be able to post with that too... We can hope, at least.
Also, you can E-mail me as well.
Message me for my phone number, or my mom's number. My phone is disconnected, but I'll let whoever wants it know when I get it working.
I'm only staying with my mom until my dad gets his own place and job and everything straightened out.
I don't know anything about what's going on. I don't know...
Life is going to hell and I can't stop it.
I love you guys, I want you to know that. You've made my life worth living and I hope you remember that.
-Cancer, My Chemical Romance.
Today went slightly better. And by that, I mean, no it didn't.
Well, I woke up to hearing my dad tell my grandmother how much of a slut I am. 'Cause that's cool.
Basically did chores all day until I cleaned the entire house while putting up with his verbal abuse.
We argued more, and I had a mental breakdown. We decided to go for a walk. I told him that my ankles were messed up-- He didn't believe me.
You see, I have really small ankles and they just barely support my fatass. So I can't walk very far. So we walked for a while, and I fell. Got back up, and I sprained my left one. Then kept walking andddd...
I got freaking hit by a car.
Yeah. The driver fell asleep at the wheel and woke up when he hit me. He was really upset and offered to drive me to the Hospital, since he hit my side. He bruised me up pretty bad. I have a really huge bruise from my ribs down to my hip on my right side, and I had to pop my knee back into place, but otherwise, I'm alright. I can't walk that well though. I'm kind of limping around...
But I didn't go to the hospital-- Apparently my dad didn't want me to go for whatever reason, so I didn't go. I forgave the driver, after all, he was sincerely upset.
Got home, cooked dinner for the family and slept.
I've learned to not carry emotions around my family anymore after today. I give up. After the mental breakdown, I really havent said much to anyone there. So it doesn't matter.
So I'm not upset. Just reallllllly in pain...
I don't know how I'm going to survive school tommorow...
Well, I'm off to go write for Ashley. And thanks for the support guys. It's friends like you that make life worth living.
Yeah. I can't even believe how horrible today was. I wasn't online all day because my dad tormented me all day. He lectured me, yelled at me, made me do chores, and basically treated me like Cinderella before the ball. I wanted to just die to escape it.
I was bored out of my fucking mind and I couldn't stop crying all day. The only peace I got was when I went outside for air toward 8ish. I listened to music and cried my eyes out. I couldn't even talk to anyone from the outside world. I don't have a phone anymore.
I went insane.
I have no idea when I'm going to be online again. My dad is being just... awful. I can't even describe into words how horrible he's made me feel. I'm so weak and I feel like I could just die any moment. I have never felt like this, in a long time.
My dad's taking my computer out tommorow, if he'll actually get off his lazy-ass to do it. I don't know when I'll get the laptop.
I don't know how much longer I can live here. I want to just go to my mom's, but I can't...
I know I don't have internet there, but you guys, my mom's house is like sanctuary after being in Hell.
I just want my own bedroom... That would help me so much.
I might get a summer job at Dairy Queen/KarmelKorn with my mom. That way I can have my own money to pay for a taxi/bus fare so I can just get away.
I want to run away so badly.
You guys have no idea how much I've cried today...
I just wish I knew what I did to deserve this... Why does he hate me so much? Why do I have to suffer for his mistakes? Why doesn't my brother get in trouble, or abused or treated less than human like I do?
Why can't I be happy?
Anyway. I have two hours to be online.
Or more since my dad's asleep. So I'll get done what I need to.
I could really use some cheering up.
Yep. So me and Matt finally broke up. He broke up with me, but I'm really not sad or bummed or anything... I'm actually kind of happy. I mean, I wasn't happy with him and there aren't any hard feelings so it's alright.
But people are going to be asking about it, I know, so here's the whole conversation.
Me: Hey Matt. c: How're you?
Matt: Sigh, i still kinda feel guilty about something.
Me: About what, hun?
Matt: That last girl i was with...She kinda ruined more than my first kiss, we didnt have sex but it was pretty heavy...I feel like she took advantage of me, but at the same time i feel bad for letting her...Like i wanted all my "firsts" to be special, but i ruined it on a girl i didnt even have feelings for, and after the second date she barely called back and i felt kinda used...i dont know, i just wanted things to be special...
Me: Awh, Matt...
Its alright. Honestly. I mean, its in the past and we all make stupid mistakes.
Matt: But the thing is, Kayla... Is that it was yesterday.
Matt: I promise you, it didn't mean anything.
Me: It's alright.
Matt: So are you sure you're okay? Your facebook statuses are kind of upseting...
Me: I am kinda upset... I got a call from Joe yesterday and I guess I realized how much I really miss and love him... I can't guarantee I won't leave you, because I honestly don't know what's going to happen, but I can't say that I will, either. Just know that I'm not going to leave you anytime soon...
Matt: You were talking about killing yourself :(
Matt: Joe doesn't love you, kay-kay. He just doesn't want to tell you that.
Me: Joe's not that type of person. I love him with all my heart and yet I'm with you. You do make me happy, Matt.
Matt: :(, but you still love your ex...it sounds like i havent been a good boyfriend.
Me: Yeah, I do still love him... I wish I didn't, really..
And no, Its not about anything you've done. Its just me and my stupid feelings.. You deserve someone better than me.
Matt: Kayla, i'm breaking up with you.
Matt: It's obvious that we're not going to last anyway. I need someone who I know loves me and ONLY me. You understand, right?
Me: Yeah, I understand.
This morning, I woke up in a perfectly fine mood. I wasn't tired, or in pain or anything. I was just okay.
Then I went to go get dressed, and I went into the bathroom with my clothes in hand. But the moment that I looked in the mirror, I just got pissed. I don't even know why. I slammed my hand against the mirror and I just snapped. I started throwing things and trying to find something to hurt myself with... I just really wanted to die.
When I couldn't find anything, I kept whispering things to myself about how much I hated myself... Then I found a hairtie and put it on my wrist. I kept snapping it as I got dressed.
And then after that, I was just depressed all day...
There's not even anything wrong, guys... o_O I'm okay with where I am in life about everything. I got my grades up, I haven't talked to Matt, and everything.. I just, I don't even know. I guess I just snapped.
I mean, I feel fine now, but it was just a horrible day...
Oh, and just a little debate question. This was brought up by Charles and Cheyann today.
Okay, say that your best friend is being hated unreasonably by one of your friends. Would you defend your friend, or not get involved and keep being friends with that person?
Personally, I would defend my friend.
You see, there's this couple at school named Jacy and Billy. They keep talking about Cheyann and she told Charles. She ended up crying over it, because they've turned alot of her friends against her. Then Jacy walked by and right after Cheyann explained to him about that, and said some negative things about her, he said, "She's so pretty!"
Isn't that, like really wrong?
Your BEST FRIEND is hurt by your not-so-close friend, and then you say something positive about that person?
I could understand if you don't want to be involved, but don't sit there and talk uplifting about them, right in front of your friend who's crying because she hurt her feelings...
Anyway, if you have a request/art trade for me, ask me. P: 'Cause I'm gonna have lots of free time at my mom's since I don't have a phone anymore. x'D