Well guys, guess who's not going to school today because he's had some bad luck lately? >.<
Man, I haven't updated this in a while. Like really given you an update in forever. So I shall do so now. :3 a lot has happened recently. ...
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You ruined me.
You left me when I needed you the most. You left me when all I needed was your support. Your approval. All I wanted to know was that you were proud of me. That you loved me and cared about me. That all those years of close friendship meant as much to you as they did to me. You were a part of me. We were so close. I felt your pain as you felt mine.
I was the only one ever there for you. When Nick broke your heart, I was the one who listened to you cry for hours on end. I was the one who listened when you were mad at your mom. I was the one who tried his hardest to cheer you up. I was always there. Always. I looked up to you. I respected you. I stood up to you. But above all, I loved you like you were my sister.
But you left.
You told me that I was too much for you to handle. That I needed to recover from my anxiety entirely to be your friend. That I needed to give you space.
And I tried my very hardest. But you still left. You told me that I just had too many issues for you and you fled my life. But little did you know, you left me with more issues than I ever had before.
You've been gone for a while now. We haven't talked since last November. I lost my "best friend" sometime after Halloween.
The first couple of months were brutal. Because when you left, you inflicted the deepest wounds I ever carved into my skin.
And at first, I tried to win you back. I started going to the worst therapist in town, because that's all my family could afford and I gave you your space. I stopped talking to you altogether. I stopped trying.
But as time passed, I stopped caring, also. I didn't even as much as give you a second look. You were a stranger to me.
I wish I still didn't care but I do. Because now I hate you. I hate you with all my heart. I hate you with every ounce of my being. I can't even look at you anymore. I have to fight down the urge to confront you everyday. The urge to walk up to you and tell you about all the pain you've caused me.
Because you've destroyed me. My anxiety is sky-high. I have trust issues and abandonment issues and I get so worked up over the smallest of things and I can't relax.
You've made me so insecure.
I get so scared that Kyle will leave me if I so much as make even one mistake. I'm so afraid that I'm too much for him to handle, or not enough. I'm terrified because I know that he could do better if he wanted to.
I know he won't leave me anytime soon but I'm so scared that I hold him back in life from being happier.
I'm afraid of everything.
And it's all because of you.
You're not a human being. You're a monster. A cold-hearted, mean-spirited destructive monster. Because no fellow human would ever, no matter how much of a low-life they are, would destroy another person this much.
And now I know how much better off I am without you. But I'm still cleaning up the mess you made.
In case anyone was wondering what happened between me and Ashley. I also needed an outlet for my anger. And no, we will never be friends again. Ever.
Just a warning, I'm really indecisive, so there are more than one answer to a lot of these n_n;
What's your name? Kyle.
Why were you named that? well, why not?
Are you male or female? maaaale. most days, anyway.
Would you rather be the opposite gender? my life would probably be a lot easier. but no.
How old are you? 17.
How tall are you? 5'7
Are you happy with your height? no D: too tall!
How much do you weigh? Like 250 lbs. -.-
Are you happy with your weight? no, but I do plan on losing it next year or before I start hormone treatment. truth be told though, I truly don't think I'll ever be happy with my weight no matter how small.
What color are your eyes? like a light grey ish olive green.
What's the natural color of your hair? gingerrrr.
Do your dye your hair? If so, what color? At least once every few months. At least. And it all depends on how I feel. My next color is burgundy and maybe a teal streak.
What's your body type? Tall and curvy. Which would be great if I were a girl. But I'm not.
Do you know your blood type? If so what is it? No idea??
Are you happy with your appearance? HAHAHAno.
What is your sexuality? Gay with some Pansexual tendencies. Like I'm all for the guys but some androgynous/genderqueer/agenderetc people...
List things that turn you on: confidence, open-mindedness, spontaneity, dominance, a bit of pain (being bitten, scratched,etc) , tattoos, piercings, less extreme forms of bondage (like handcuffing and such) idk this is a hard question for me to answer because I'm so sexually innocent. All I know is that I like it rough and I'm a submissive.
List your turn offs: oh god this is easy. boobs, "girl parts", too much makeup, negativity, close-mindedness, dirty talk
What's your favorite...
Food: Chinese fooooood, spicy food, soup, salad, sweets.
Drink: hot beverages, like peppermint tea, hot chocolate, and coffee.
Animal: octopi, foxes, wolves, cats, penguins, turtles
Book: I don't even know. I need to start reading again. .-.
Magazine: idk i like those home-making magazines with recipes and stuff. And fashion magazines of course.
Website: facebook, TheO, deviantart
Movie: suicideroom, tangled, brave, a knight's tale, hot tub time machine, rocky horror picture show, Edward Scissorhands and Corpse Bride
Holiday: Christmas!! Or valentine's day. I love all the holidays though n.n
Myth: I like the Hades/Persephone thing. Idk I love myths in general.
Childhood story: not sure.
Weather: either cloudy, or rainy and cold or snowing. I hate hot weather.
Eye color: blueeeee. c: or golden brown
Hair color: on myself orrrr? on myself I really like pink, blonde, or something dark like burgundy.
Music player: idk I don't have many options. Right now I'm using spotify even though I hate it.
Flower: roses c:
Sport: I like to watch jousting, fencing and dancing. Do those count?
Vacation spot: never been on a vacation, so I couldn't tell you.
Shampoo: garnier fructis, or herbal essences. But I'm broke most of the time, so we use cheaper stuff like suave professionals or vo5.
Deodorant: axe or old spice. fuck yeah
Computer/Laptop: a computer is a computer
Store: gordman's, hot topic, Kmart.
Clothing brand: idcccc.
Shoe: anything but sneakers. I really like canvas shoes and boots.
Thing to do: this is an awfully general question. My favorite thing in the world is cuddling with my boyfriend. But I also like writing and drawing and listening to music and talking to my friends.
Feeling: being with my boyfriend. definitely.
Celebrities: ohhhh man. Jared Leto, Jeffree Star, Gerard Way, Davey Havok, Marilyn Manson
Subject in school: English, Any of my art classes, theatre <33
This or That
Pepsi or Coke? neitherrr. I don't like most cola drinks.
Water or Tea? Tea please.
Braces or Retainer? ??? I think braces are cute...
Bed or Couch? Beddddd.
Past or Future? Neither. Thinking about both make me upset. I like the present.
Woods or City? Cityyyy. Though the woods would be cool to live in for a little while.
School or Work (as in job)? Work, probably. Lol
Sun or Moon? Moon c:
Fire or Water? Fire, I guess. I'm a hydrophobe.
TV or Computer? I'd rather have a computer.
Shower or Bath? As much as I love baths, I gotta say shower.
Unusual or Normal? Unusual :D
Predictable or Unpredictable? Unpredictable. I don't like knowing what's coming lol.
Explainable or Unexplainable? Explainable. I don't like being confused.
Honesty or Deceit? Honesty. LOL who would pick deceit, I wonder.
Together or Alone? I like my alone time but I also get lonely easily so idk.
With Someone or Single? I love being with my boyfriend more than anything ever, but honestly if we broke up, I wouldn't mind being single. He's the only one I want.
Sunny or Rainy? Rainy. Natural ginger plus sun equals NO.
Cats or Dogs? Cats <3
Reptiles or Birds? Both frighten me.
Poltergeists or Demons? Demonsssss.
Summer or Winter? Winter <333
Night-Owl or Early-Bird? Night owl definitely.
Peace or War? Peace maaaannn.
God or Satan? Satan. Only because satanism is more about worshipping yourself than some deity.
Life or Death? Life. c:
Hot or Cold? Coldddd.
First Thing To Come To Your Mind...
The Unknown: creepy
The What's, Who's, When's and Why
What's your earliest childhood memory? I was like 4 wandering around the house in the middle of the night and tripping over the carpet and busting my lip open on a laundry basket
What's your worst childhood memory? I was like 7 and I told my parents that I hated myself. They both got mad at me and each other and argued. They threatened to get a divorce and leave me and my brother in foster care.
What's your new years revolution for this year? I don't have any except pass all my classes this semester and don't cut. For next year, I plan to lose weight, and start transitioning.
What's your current pet(s) name(s)? My three cats are Mr. Fuzz (Fuzzy), Sophie, Whisper and there's my ferret, Sunny.
What's your relationship status currently? happily with my fantastic boyfriend who I love named Kyle for a year and almost two months.
What's your current health? I'm still recovering from a cold. Mentally, not so well.
What's your current mood? Fine, just have a migraine.
What's the nearest book to you? The Girl with The Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson. Haven't read it yet though.
What's the color of your nails/toenails? Right now, they aren't colored.
What's the time where you're at? 6:54 pm.
What's the one thing you'd DIE before doing? There are a lot of things I'd die before doing.
What's the name of the person you love? Kyle <3
What's the name of the person you hate? Cunt. I mean Ashley.
What's the subject in school/college that you just hate(d)? Financial literacy, math
Who's the bestest friend what you wouldn't trade for the world? Kyle, Nick and Lyn
Who's "that" friend who has a heart of gold? uhhhh?
Who's the person who you love but doesn't love like that back? idk?
Who's the person you would never hurt? Kyle, Nick, Lyn
Who's the person you'd confess anything to? Kyle n.n
Who's the person you argued with? Well seriously, it would be my brother probably. Playfully, I'm always arguing with Lyn.
Who's the last person to say 'I love you' to you? Kyle more than likely.
Who's the last person you said 'I love you' to? Kyle c:
Who's the last person to hug you (through the internet&in person?) Internet, Kyle. In person, Lyn.
Who's the last person you punched? My brother lol.
Who's the last person to help you out with something? Lyn. She helped me skip the pep assembly yesterday lol
Who's the last person you called on the phone? Kyyyyle.
Who's the last person you saw? My mooooom.
Who's the last person you talked to?and my mom again.
When was the last time you just stopped and were happy for what you have? Probably a few nights ago.
When was the last time you hit something to take all the frustration out? An hour ago.
When was the last time you wrote your feelings down? Like a few days ago.
When was the last time you spent quality time with your family? Monday night. We always go to my grandparents' house every Monday night for dinner.
When was the last time you did something for somebody without asking anything in return? I'm... not sure.
When was the last time you thought outside of the box? I always do. cx
When was the last time you believed in yourself? there was a time when that happened???
When was the last time you confessed something to somebody? Earlier today when I talked to Kyle.
When was the last time you felt remorse? This morning.
When was the last time you felt pure joy? A few days ago.
When was the last time you smiled and really meant it? I never smile without really meaning it.
When was the last time you cried yourself to sleep? Probably last night. Well I mean. I cried before going to sleep.
When was the last time you stood up for what you believe in? I don't think I ever have.
When was the last time you stood up for someone who was hurt? Sadly, I don't think I ever have, once again.
Why did you do this quiz? I just wanted to.
Gosh guys, I'm so sorry that I don't ever have much time to post anymore. School is taking so much out of me
x~x not to mention that for the past week I've been really sick. I've had a cold and a fever both off and on for a while. I missed school on friday because of it. o.e I was really miserable and yeah. I'm starting to get over it, though. Just have a bit of a sore throat left, along with being achy and weak and having frequent migraines :V
Anyway, if you're wondering (even though no one commented my last post), no. I didn't get a part in the musical. But I'm not too unhappy about it. In fact, I really don't care much. It's totally cool. Plus, the people who did get casted will do a wonderful job. I'm sure of it. I'll more than likely go see it when they preform.
School has been pretty okay. I'm doing well in all my classes so far. I have my basic designs done for my superhero projects in my art classes. Math applications is easyyyy. I have a test in financial literacy on Friday, but I'm certain that I got this. n.n in English we're writing descriptive papers. I'm writing about my gender expression. It may sound weird as a topic for a descriptive paper but I am confident that it sounds good. Aaaand in drama, we're reading a Greek play. It's fun haha.
And for once, there's no drama with my friends. Nick and I are close and we have so much fun together. He's one of my best friends. I adore having him around more often.
And Lyn and I have been pretty great too! It feels so great to have best friends.
Ugh, my ex bestfriend Ashley is being such a cunt, though. I hate her so much. She's been giving me dirty looks and hateful remarks and if I were a girl, I'd slap the hell out of her. And that's saying a lot considering I'm a pacifist. :U
Because I was sick, I haven't been able to get to Kyle's. :c which is making me really bummed. Because we haven't seen eachother in over a month and everyday that goes by, I miss him a little more. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, yes, but it's torturous. </3 and I'm in this mood that I always get when I'm craving to see him. It can be describe as incomplete, I guess. I just feel like... empty and I just can't wait to go see him. Hopefully this weekend.
My urges to self-harm have grown stronger. My confidence in myself is pretty low right now. Lower than usual. I mean, I'm happy with where I'm at for the most part. It's just... myself. I don't like myself. At all. And it's like I look at my wrists and thighs and all I want to do is rip them open with blades. I've been strong so far. I haven't cut since last month. I'm trying to keep my cool and just chill but I have so much pent-up frustration and anger and sadness and self-loathing. And I have this energy where I just wanna get up, play really loud music and rip things apart.
So I've decided to make some crafts when I get the chance to buy supplies. One is a wreck-it-journal, which I'm gonna make my own by just buying a normal composition book and doing whatever I want to it.
I'm also going to make these things called Calm Jars. Basically, you fill a jar with water, color the water with paint or food coloring, and dump glitter in it, then put a lid on it. So that when you get angry or sad or upset, you can just shake the jar and watch the glitter float down, to calm yourself down. I'm going to make Lyn one. She's not self-destructive, but she does need an outlet and her birthday is coming up. And of course, I'll make one for Nick and maybe Kyle. Nick could use it well and Kyle does get angry easily so I think it would do them all good.
Then there's also another jar project I want to do. This one is where, every time you want to cut or hate yourself, you make a tiny origami star out of colored paper and put it in the jar. And you just fill up the jar and decorate as you please. I'm going make that for myself because it's a long-term project, but mostly because it will remind me of all the progress I've made in recovering from my self-harming.
Plus I'm going to just craft some stuff together and it'll help keep me busy. Aaaaand I'm going to get some stuff I can just destroy. It'll be a lot more fun than just destroying myself.
I'm working on getting some money together. One, to buy supplies for the crafts and stuff; two, so I can get myself a haircut and dye. I'm going to be dying my hair burgundy soon, and cutting it asymmetrically, then maybe putting a teal or blue streak in it. I've been growing it out but I have way too thick hair for that. But I am going to let my bangs grow with the asymmetric cut after I trim them up. When you see it, it'll make sense lol. Aaaaand three, I need money for the renfaire coming up. It's in about 20 days. x.x I need to buy faerie wings.
My grandma may pay for my actual hair cut and give me some money for the faire. Maybe. And my mom will more than likely but my wings. So I'm just trying to buy the dyes and get some extra for crafts and renfaire shopping.
Right now, I've got $9 LOL. But Sandra, the woman I babysit for is supposed to FINALLY pay me soon. I've been waiting since before school started -.- dont know how much she's gonna pay me though. Hopefully a decent amount. And then a guy at my school commissioned me to paint a giant sunflower for $10. And I'm also selling bracelets and a octopus doll I made out of a hat. So we'll see where that goes. So far, not so well, but maybe it'll get better.
Well anyway, I'm off to go shower. I'm sorry for this mindless ramble about things people don't care about hahaha. cx I'll post some art to make up for it when I get the chance.
So I'm home from auditioning for Little Shop of Horrors. I had fun though I was a nervous wreck. o.x
So basically, we were given a random scene and random characters to preform as on the spot, for our actual audition. I was both the dentist, and Seymore. LOL
It was funny, because I was the first person to be up there with this girl I didn't know. And all these other people were watching. And my role was that of Orin, the dentist. Well, I got up there and our scene was where Orin was yelling at Audrey.
So I get up there and I have to act as this sadistic asshole (who I adore tho lol) and people who were watching were so shocked to see me preform. According to one girl, I looked too innocent to behave in such a way. No one expected me to pull it off, but I did. It was awesome!
Then I had to play Seymore, and the girl up there with me was the plant. And she scared me so well. I wasn't even pretending to be frightened at that point. Daaaamn.
Thursday is when the callbacks will be posted. I'm so anxious to see what happens!!
Feeling pretty damn good about life right now. My grades are going well, my friends are fantastic, and the love of my life is perfectly here with me. I'll hopefully be seeing him soon.
Anyway, just a short update considering I don't know what's going to be happening with the musical. If I get a role, I most likely won't be able to be online as much anymore. I've heard that musicals at my school are a HUGE commitment and rehearsals are crazy. I've also got the renfaire coming up. But I assure you, I'll be here when I can!