Since I last posted, nothing too huge has been happening. Lots of ups and downs for me, though. >~<
I'm still having stomach issues. I've had everything uncomfortable that you can imagine. I still haven't been able to get to a doctor. Which sucks because this sickness is literally forcing me to put my life on hold. I can hardly leave my house and it's driving me insane. xwx
On a good note of health matters, I'm down to 239 lbs from my original 250 lbs about two months ago, just from cutting out soda and fast food.
Also I had a fierce fever and cold that I'm just now getting over. But I'm very happy that they didn't last a month like usual when I'm sick.
I usually only get sick in winter (my favorite season, despite my body's disagreement), so I'm hoping that maybe this sickness was a sign that this will be my first healthy winter! I sure hope so. *~*
I'm not one to self-diagnose, but today I realized that I have every single symptom of insomnia. I have not slept since Tuesday night. I just cannot seem to fall asleep very well, even when I'm super tired. And when I am asleep, I constantly wake up every three hours and I don't remember a time I slept more than 6 hours at a time. It's gotten incredibly bad these past few weeks and it's taking a toll on me. :<
Another damaging hit to my mental health is family issues. My mom is stressing out and very angry lately and has been taking it out on me emotionally. My dad is pressuring me to get a state ID and thinks I'm faking my stomach illness. Oh, if only. ;-; and my brother and I have been arguing a lot.
My mental health is in shreds, hanging on a thread from losing my mind, basically. I am absolutely falling apart over here.
I've had strong urges to cut and purge. I've yet to give in to them but I've become so self-destructive. I keep picking at my skin and hitting myself when I'm angry.
I've been clean from those things for only about a day and a half now, and only because of my dear Jason; I made a promise to stop.
And poor Jason. He's been hard at work dealing with my mental breakdowns and panic attacks and keeping me sane. If not for him, I'm not entirely sure I'd be still alive right now, let alone okay. He's been holding me together for a little while now. Because I take out my anger against myself and I get anxious about losing him. He swears he won't leave and still loves me. I believe him. That's about all I have going for me right now. Hopefully I'll stop putting him under so much stress. He's so wonderful and doesn't deserve my constant crying.
My self-loathing is at an all-time high, and I've never hated myself so much in my life. I've been crying a lot.
I want to hurt myself. I want to rip myself to shreds for the terrible things I am. For being such an awful person.
But all I really crave is to be held and comforted. Does that even make sense?
But I have had breaks of happiness in between my depression. So I'll talk about those. c:
I've been getting better with doing makeup. :D
I gave myself freckles once.
Then I was a prince for a day.
Those are just my two favorite looks as of late.
And for Halloween, I'm improving a costume because I can't afford to buy one. But I know I can turn it out. I'm just going to be a vampire but you better believe that my makeup is gonna be fab. Even if I am just handing out candy lol.
-very bitter that I'm officially too old to trick-r-treat-
Also, I finally got some friend-time last Friday. I went to another midnight showing of Rocky Horror! I got to see Carli, Rikki, Haley, Dezi, Grace, Twiggy, Tony and David :D it was so cool to hang out with all of them. Most of them I hadn't seen since leaving high school.
I was Eddie again this year, but this time I added my own personal touches since I lost a few costume pieces.
I've been reading quite a bit lately. nwn I'm working on finishing Vampire Kisses series by Ellen Schreiber-- yes I know it's for like middle schoolers but it's so fun to read.
I also read Jessica's Guide to Dating on the Dark Side by Beth Fantaskey o: this book sounds really terrible, but it's now one of my top favorite books. It seems like it would be another Twilight knock-off but it's way better. It has a lot of unpredictable plot twists and the character development is one of the best things about it. It's so real and all the characters are unique, changing, real, and they make sense! Seriously, check it out if you can. I love it.
Right now I'm reading Cruel Beauty by Rosamund Hodge. I wanna say I really like it. But I just hate the main character xD I love everyone else. This book contains a fascinating plot, an intriguing world and it definitely makes you think. The whole damn book is just paradoxes. xD I'd recommend it, I think.
I can't say I've been writing much but I've been drawing and painting quite a lot. I'll def post some of my better pieces when I can.
I don't remember if I mentioned this buuuuut. I have a thing with sitcoms xD basically I
obsessively watch them until I finish every episode. So far I've finished: The Nanny, That 70's Show, Friends, and George Lopez. So now I'm working on How I Met Your Mother (which is slowly replacing Friends as my favorite) and Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
Oh, so I have a pretty great story to tell xD;; it's super embarrassing but it's really funny. It contains a sexual nature but I won't go into detail or anything omg.
Okay so last weekend, 2am, Jason and I were uh, having fun over the phone. And I was super into it. Well, just as I had finished, my mom just. Pops right in my room because she had apparently heard me from the kitchen. So I'm like "hi mom!" to warn Jason and he just chuckled. My mom asks me "you alright?" and I panic on the inside and I'm like "yep uh-huh~ I just hit my bad foot on my wall hahahaha" and she just stares at me until she leaves and I'm basically dead on the inside. xD Jason and I laughed about it for so long.
I was really freaked out at first, but she hasn't mentioned it or anything so? I just have to be more careful I guess .///.
Damn my whore noises.
Anyway, speaking of Jason. He's the sweetest ever. /)w( so a couple of days ago he ordered me a new phone charger for my phone because I broke mine. -w- I'm officially in my third iPhone charger ugh
But anyway so it delivered to my house today. But the box was too big to just hold a phone chargerrrr...
I opened the box and! Looking back at me was a Bambi Pop! Figurine! :D
For those of who don't know, Bambi is one of my favorite Disney characters. Bambi is my nickname among my family and whenever I do my fawn makeup hehe cx so I adore him.
But that's not all~~ I took a short nap after that until my mom woke me up with another package aaaand... a second Pop! Figurine awaited me. Starfire! My favorite Teen Titan!! x3
So yeah :D he really made my day and cheered me up a lot. <3
I think I'll try to sleep now ;-; but I hope everyone has a great day/night!
-The Insomniac Prince, Ky-Ky.
(btw I've been getting kinda bored of my name so hence the different signoffs. I also kind of? go by Ky-Ky now nwn)
Oh my goodness, how long has it been since I posted here?? Like a month? omg.
Well, first I'd like to say: Happy October! <3
While I've still been very stressed out, I'm in a better mental state that I have been in.
I'm still suffering with being sick. -w- it's possible that I may have an e-coli infection, but it's not certain. I've got to go back to a doctor soon. But my family is in a tight spot financially so I'm waiting until we can get back on our feet unless it gets too bad.
I don't really know what to talk about as far as life events, so I'll go over some things that have happened recent enough.
Well like a week or two ago, I went for a walk around my neighborhood. Just a pleasant little walk that turned into a trudge through hell. I tripped like 5000 times, got laughed at, catcalled and called a rude name. Then as I was on my way home, two feet away from my house, I stumbled and fell over my own feet and landed really hard on my knee and jaw. xD;
Which resulted in this very pretty bruise.
It's no longer visible, and while it really hurt, I loved it. I'm so fascinated with bruises honestly. And bandages.
I also had really bad swelling in my face and bruises everywhere but I'm pretty much healed up now. c:
I finally got my hair cut and dyed as well and am feeling way more confident because of it. ^~^ which you'll see in the next few posts :D
This weekend was the renfaire!!! It was so fun and my costumes were really successful. They still need a lot of improvement but considering my budget, I did really well. So proud of myself. :D
This was Saturday, I was a wolfboy! I wasn't at the faire very long that day because I was really nauseous. I had to go home within two hours. If you know me, I stay at renfaire all day-- 8 hours-- both days. So I was a little bummed but it was okay because Sunday was MAGICAL.
On Sunday, I was an elf prince, and I was accompanied by my time-traveling knight. <3 cx
Jason and I hadn't seen eachother in four months, so our reunion was little magical. We watched shows, bought necklaces together and kissed a lot.
he stuck with me despite my whining about being sick and he held me when I wasn't feeling well. But we had a lot of fun. Like. It's the highlight of my life as of late.
(Also! On Instagram, I tagged this photo with #gameofthrones because of the necklace and (the official) Peter Dinklage liked it!!! TYRION LIKED MY PHOTO. asdfhjkl!!)
^ These are the necklaces he bought for me. C: one of them is a little white/translucent leaf that looks all gem-like. The other is a part of a set of couple necklaces we bought together as a late anniversary gift. (we still haven't really celebrated because I'm sick -w-). I have the moon and he has a sun one. They're based off of Game of Thrones, so mine says "Moon of my Life" and his says "My Sun and Stars". x3 (I kinda feel like it's a collar-- I can't wear a real collar/choker because of my family but this is good. n///n wearing it makes me feel safe and claimed.)
The renfaire was just a lot of fun in general. A lot of furries were in awe of me on Saturday. xD and I got flirted with a lot. It was definitely worth all the trouble I went through.
Art/writing-wise, I'm starting a thing. My boyfriend and I are participating in these October-themed challenges everyday. So I'm doing either makeup, art or writing with each theme. :D
I'll upload what I have so far, as well as some other art I've done recently, soon. And post in my RP.
Considering the fact that I've just made two costumes for the renfaire, I'm taking a break with costuming. xD so this is the year I actually buy a costume for Halloween. I'll make it my own of course but I'm so relieved- no more costuming for a little while. All I have to do is find pieces of my Eddie costume for Rocky Horror and I'm set for October.
I've been having a lot of trouble with writing lately. I haven't written in at least a month. I have ideas-- I just can't start. D: I have several new story ideas going on right now. A war romance, a realistic fiction story and my boyfriend and I are writing about witches in honor of October.
I've been thinking about modeling lately. I think next year, I want to start a portfolio for myself. I'll have pictures of my costumes and OOTDs and my makeup and everything. My boyfriend said he wants to take pictures of me, and he's pretty good at it, so I'm looking forward to that.
My parents are nagging at me to get my state ID and get a job, so that's on my agenda as soon as I get over being sick.
Also, eating healthier. I'm doing really good at cutting out soda, actually!! I haven't had more than a can in total for a month. :3 and as soon as I see a doctor, I'll eat better and exercise at least a bit. I've actually lost 10 pounds since getting sick and cutting out soda. Down to 241 lbs now as far as I know.
I'm also working on taking better care of my nails and skin. I've been putting bandages on my "problem areas" where I tend to pick at or bite. The incentive to paint my nails black keeps me sane o; because I won't paint them until they're healed up. And I've been buying good lip balm and gum to chill out my oral fixation.
Also I've been really emotional these past few days. More so than usual. I wonder what that's about.
BUT YEAH. I think that's it! Sorry for the long boring novel of my life. xD I'll be here regularly now.
Also sorry for the TON of photos. I just feel they help chronicle things.
Have a lovely Friday, everyone. c:
-The Sleepy Prince
In tears again for the millionth time in the past few days. Another fucking terrible day over with.
I'm on a roll.
So my life is really just. Up and down lately. Mostly down. But I'm keeping hope.
I had probably one of the worst days of my life yesterday.
I'm getting sick again. It's driving me up the wall. Mostly because I'm getting nervous that I won't be able to go see my boyfriend or to the upcoming renaissance faire because of it. I'm really excited for these things, so I'm really trying to get over this sickness. I don't really know what's happening to me anymore, so it's complicated trying to figure out what to avoid, etc.
Then one of my cats thought it would be a really cute idea to pee on a journal I was working on for Jason. I had been working on it for a while now and I had quite a few pages done-- at least 15. So I have to start over. Sigh.
After that, I get a call from my dad. My great-uncle passed away early yesterday morning. He hadn't been too sick, and he lived a rather full life, so he didn't suffer. But still, I liked the guy. I lived with him at one point for a while. And I'm super bummed that I didn't get a chance to see him in the months before his passing.
And my mom has been stressing me out with her severe depression. But she won't go see a therapist because we don't have the money.
I'm really sick of money being an issue in my house. We constantly just barely get by on bills and it's scary. I guess it'll be of a lot of help once I get a job.
So this isn't a very happy point in my life.
In happier news, I'm gonna try to see Jason this coming weekend. If I'm not too sick. I really need to. I need to get away from here. I need some form of happiness in my life.
I've also been writing a lot more lately. And planning out costumes for the renfaire. And drawing and painting. At least I've been creative.
I'm still in my super submissive mood. I don't think it's going anywhere. Which is really great.
My oral fixation is driving me crazy. xwx not letting myself bite my lip or nails. I need to buy gum or candy or something.
Also, I got bored and wanted a distraction from my bad day, so last night, I bleached a portion of my hair. It looks really stupid in my opinion. xD but it's okay. I'm going to dye it all one color again soon. Something different.
Anyway, sorry to be a downer. I just thought I'd let you all know what's going on.
This is from last week, I went to hang out with my friend Carli.
And this is what I currently look like.
01: tell me the truth, what made you start liking the person you like right now?
I answered this on tumblr earlier. c: I liked his optimism, and confidence and we have a lot in common.
02: what on your body is hurting or bothering you?
My entire body. lol I feel super shaky and weak today.
03: what was your last thought before going to bed last night?
"This is so comfyyyy..." or something to that effect. I was so damn comfortable. I was shirtless and cold, snuggled up to two blankets and Ollie, listening to rainstorm sounds on youtube.
04: what are you listening to?
Dark Blue by Jack's Mannequin c:
05: what’s something you’re not looking forward to?
Getting a job, probably. -w- but it won't be that bad hopefully.
06: where do you think your best friend is right now?
I think he's hanging out with his friends. o_O he stopped texting me a few hours ago because his phone was dying.
07: have you kissed anybody in the last five days?
Unfortunately, no. ;///;
08: favorite song ?
Right now, I have a few I've been obsessed with listening to. Worlds Apart by Seven Lions (feat. Kerli), Broken Crown by Mumford and Sons, and Transatlanticism by Death Cab for Cutie.
09: kiss on the first date?
I've only been on one first date, really. xD we held hands at the most. So probably not, no.
10: is there one person you want to be with right now?
;w; Yes. Very much so. Just a little over a week and I can see him, if all goes well.
11: are you seriously happy with where you are in life?
I'm content, yes. I'll feel better once I start looking better and seeing my boyfriend more often.
12: is there something you would like to say to someone?
There's a lot of things I want to say to a lot of people. I want to tell Ashley off. I want to scream at my parents for not accepting me. I want to talk to my friends more often. I want everyone I love to know I love them.
13: what are three things you did today?
Uhm. I ate, watched Friends and took a shower.
14: would you rather sleep at a friend’s or have them over?
I prefer to sleep at a friend's house. But once I get my own place, I'm excited to have people over.
15: what is your favorite kind of gum?
Peppermint. nwn which reminds me that I need to get some gum. I've been having issues with my oral fixation lately. xD since I swore off biting my lip and nails.
16: are you friends with any of your ex boyfriends/ girlfriends?
Like one LOL Connor. We're friends sometimes. We don't talk very often.
17: what is on your wrists right now?
18: ever liked someone you thought you didn’t stand a chance with?
Everyone I've ever liked ever.
19: does anyone have strong feelings for you?
My boyfriend brought up marrying me a few days ago. >w< so I would say so.
20: are you slowly drifting away from someone?
Unfortunately. But I think once I start hanging out with them again, we'll all reconnect.
21: have you ever wasted your time on someone?
Ugh. Yeah. Fucking Kyler. He was the guy I liked before Jason. I had a crush on him for a while, but he was in a relationship. Then they broke it off, and he said he liked me, but he wanted time to get over his ex. I gave him basically my whole summer. Stopped talking to me and when he did, he was rude as hell. Then I moved on, and he got mad that I had a boyfriend. -w- what the hell is that.
22: can you do the alphabet in sign language?
Nope! But I want to.
23: how have you felt today?
For the most part, pretty okay.
24: you receive £60 without any reason, what do you spend it on?
Clothes, hairdye, save it for stuff at the renfaire. :3 maybe more stuff for Jason.
25: what is wrong with you right now?
Probably just being low on self-esteem lately and being a tad sick still.
26: is there anyone you’re really disappointed in?
Uhhhhh not at the moment.
27: would you rather have starbucks or jamba juice right now?
I've never had either, but Starbucks sounds amazing rn. I miss coffee. >.< can't have any because of my stomach.
28: why aren’t you in ‘love’ with your last ex anymore?
He tried to change me, he was really pushy with sexual things, made me feel bad for being gender-confused. Just a really bad relationship.
29: how late did you stay up last night and why?
Until 5am, a little earlier than my usual. xD but I don't even know. Painting, maybe.
30: when was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?
A few hours agoooo.
31: what were you doing an hour ago?
Taking a showerrrrr.
32: what are you looking forward to in the next month?
Fall weather, hopefully!~
33: are you wearing jeans right now?
Not wearing pants right now. xD
34: are you a patient person?
I can be.
35: do you think you can last in a relationship for three months?
I already have nwn
36: favorite color?
Purple and turquoise. c:
37: did you have a dream last night?
I did o; I was at school for some reason.
38: are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants, or pajama pants?
More like panties.
39: if someone could be cuddling you right now, who would you want it to be?
Jason <3 god I crave him.
40: do you love anyone who is not related to you?
I love lots of people not related to me. nwn
41: if someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you?
I wouldn't be totally against it, but it's hard for me to respond since I'm not single. Like I would be flattered, but they'd have to know that nothing will come of it.
42: do you like meeting new people?
I do nwn I'm just afraid of it as well xD
43: are you afraid of falling in love?
44: ever self-harmed or starved yourself?
45: has anyone ever told you that you have pretty eyes?
Just my boyfriend. o:
46: have you ever felt like you weren’t good enough?
A lot. But it's okay.
I'll post a life update post later, I just did this to get out of a weird writing mood I've been in.