Once upon a time, there was a femme transboy named Lukaiel. He was very insecure, artistic, imaginative and lived in a very un-magical place called Kansas. Someone he once trusted, an evil, ugly witch cast a spell and manipulated the boy into having a romance with razor blades, fire, and self-destruction, and made him hate every inch of himself.
But this all changed when he met his knight in shining armor, Jason. Jason broke the spell with an enchantment called "love". Jason made Lukaiel's grey world flush with color. Along with friends of every kind, Jason brought Lukaiel to a vision of self-love and acceptance for everyone, no matter how different. Lukaiel became a prince.
But the prince is in distress-- his temptation to destroy himself, his doubts, his inner demons. But he, with the hope of loved ones, battles these off even when it appears he is losing the war. He will always find himself victorious with the wonderful people he grew to love on his side.
The prince finds joy in writing, drawing, acting, costuming, designing fashion, listening to music, making odd crafts and jewelry, and reading/watching things. Sometimes he finds himself among faeries, who he believes and finds his faith and ability to cast magic in. Other times, he appears as a fallen angel, a tragic hero. But most times, he's just a submissive and clumsy cat boy who wishes for affection and cuddles. His anxiety disorder cripples him, takes him away from his desire to be around people, and though he values his alone time, he craves company.
Though his life is not spent in a castle, he continues on and loves life. This is his story of romance, acceptance, and finding the beauty in everything.
So my life is really just. Up and down lately. Mostly down. But I'm keeping hope.
I had probably one of the worst days of my life yesterday.
I'm getting sick again. It's driving me up the wall. Mostly because I'm getting nervous that I won't be able to go see my boyfriend or to the upcoming renaissance faire because of it. I'm really excited for these things, so I'm really trying to get over this sickness. I don't really know what's happening to me anymore, so it's complicated trying to figure out what to avoid, etc.
Then one of my cats thought it would be a really cute idea to pee on a journal I was working on for Jason. I had been working on it for a while now and I had quite a few pages done-- at least 15. So I have to start over. Sigh.
After that, I get a call from my dad. My great-uncle passed away early yesterday morning. He hadn't been too sick, and he lived a rather full life, so he didn't suffer. But still, I liked the guy. I lived with him at one point for a while. And I'm super bummed that I didn't get a chance to see him in the months before his passing.
And my mom has been stressing me out with her severe depression. But she won't go see a therapist because we don't have the money.
I'm really sick of money being an issue in my house. We constantly just barely get by on bills and it's scary. I guess it'll be of a lot of help once I get a job.
So this isn't a very happy point in my life.
In happier news, I'm gonna try to see Jason this coming weekend. If I'm not too sick. I really need to. I need to get away from here. I need some form of happiness in my life.
I've also been writing a lot more lately. And planning out costumes for the renfaire. And drawing and painting. At least I've been creative.
I'm still in my super submissive mood. I don't think it's going anywhere. Which is really great.
My oral fixation is driving me crazy. xwx not letting myself bite my lip or nails. I need to buy gum or candy or something.
Also, I got bored and wanted a distraction from my bad day, so last night, I bleached a portion of my hair. It looks really stupid in my opinion. xD but it's okay. I'm going to dye it all one color again soon. Something different.
Anyway, sorry to be a downer. I just thought I'd let you all know what's going on.
This is from last week, I went to hang out with my friend Carli.
01: tell me the truth, what made you start liking the person you like right now?
I answered this on tumblr earlier. c: I liked his optimism, and confidence and we have a lot in common.
02: what on your body is hurting or bothering you?
My entire body. lol I feel super shaky and weak today.
03: what was your last thought before going to bed last night?
"This is so comfyyyy..." or something to that effect. I was so damn comfortable. I was shirtless and cold, snuggled up to two blankets and Ollie, listening to rainstorm sounds on youtube.
04: what are you listening to?
Dark Blue by Jack's Mannequin c:
05: what’s something you’re not looking forward to?
Getting a job, probably. -w- but it won't be that bad hopefully.
06: where do you think your best friend is right now?
I think he's hanging out with his friends. o_O he stopped texting me a few hours ago because his phone was dying.
07: have you kissed anybody in the last five days?
Unfortunately, no. ;///;
08: favorite song ?
Right now, I have a few I've been obsessed with listening to. Worlds Apart by Seven Lions (feat. Kerli), Broken Crown by Mumford and Sons, and Transatlanticism by Death Cab for Cutie.
09: kiss on the first date?
I've only been on one first date, really. xD we held hands at the most. So probably not, no.
10: is there one person you want to be with right now?
;w; Yes. Very much so. Just a little over a week and I can see him, if all goes well.
11: are you seriously happy with where you are in life?
I'm content, yes. I'll feel better once I start looking better and seeing my boyfriend more often.
12: is there something you would like to say to someone?
There's a lot of things I want to say to a lot of people. I want to tell Ashley off. I want to scream at my parents for not accepting me. I want to talk to my friends more often. I want everyone I love to know I love them.
13: what are three things you did today?
Uhm. I ate, watched Friends and took a shower.
14: would you rather sleep at a friend’s or have them over?
I prefer to sleep at a friend's house. But once I get my own place, I'm excited to have people over.
15: what is your favorite kind of gum?
Peppermint. nwn which reminds me that I need to get some gum. I've been having issues with my oral fixation lately. xD since I swore off biting my lip and nails.
16: are you friends with any of your ex boyfriends/ girlfriends?
Like one LOL Connor. We're friends sometimes. We don't talk very often.
17: what is on your wrists right now?
18: ever liked someone you thought you didn’t stand a chance with?
Everyone I've ever liked ever.
19: does anyone have strong feelings for you?
My boyfriend brought up marrying me a few days ago. >w< so I would say so.
20: are you slowly drifting away from someone?
Unfortunately. But I think once I start hanging out with them again, we'll all reconnect.
21: have you ever wasted your time on someone?
Ugh. Yeah. Fucking Kyler. He was the guy I liked before Jason. I had a crush on him for a while, but he was in a relationship. Then they broke it off, and he said he liked me, but he wanted time to get over his ex. I gave him basically my whole summer. Stopped talking to me and when he did, he was rude as hell. Then I moved on, and he got mad that I had a boyfriend. -w- what the hell is that.
22: can you do the alphabet in sign language?
Nope! But I want to.
23: how have you felt today?
For the most part, pretty okay.
24: you receive £60 without any reason, what do you spend it on?
Clothes, hairdye, save it for stuff at the renfaire. :3 maybe more stuff for Jason.
25: what is wrong with you right now?
Probably just being low on self-esteem lately and being a tad sick still.
26: is there anyone you’re really disappointed in?
Uhhhhh not at the moment.
27: would you rather have starbucks or jamba juice right now?
I've never had either, but Starbucks sounds amazing rn. I miss coffee. >.< can't have any because of my stomach.
28: why aren’t you in ‘love’ with your last ex anymore?
He tried to change me, he was really pushy with sexual things, made me feel bad for being gender-confused. Just a really bad relationship.
29: how late did you stay up last night and why?
Until 5am, a little earlier than my usual. xD but I don't even know. Painting, maybe.
30: when was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?
A few hours agoooo.
31: what were you doing an hour ago?
Taking a showerrrrr.
32: what are you looking forward to in the next month?
Fall weather, hopefully!~
33: are you wearing jeans right now?
Not wearing pants right now. xD
34: are you a patient person?
I can be.
35: do you think you can last in a relationship for three months?
I already have nwn
36: favorite color?
Purple and turquoise. c:
37: did you have a dream last night?
I did o; I was at school for some reason.
38: are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants, or pajama pants?
More like panties.
39: if someone could be cuddling you right now, who would you want it to be?
Jason <3 god I crave him.
40: do you love anyone who is not related to you?
I love lots of people not related to me. nwn
41: if someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you?
I wouldn't be totally against it, but it's hard for me to respond since I'm not single. Like I would be flattered, but they'd have to know that nothing will come of it.
42: do you like meeting new people?
I do nwn I'm just afraid of it as well xD
43: are you afraid of falling in love?
44: ever self-harmed or starved yourself?
45: has anyone ever told you that you have pretty eyes?
Just my boyfriend. o:
46: have you ever felt like you weren’t good enough?
A lot. But it's okay.
I'll post a life update post later, I just did this to get out of a weird writing mood I've been in.
First of all, I want to say that my boyfriend and I talked things out since my last post and we are absolutely fine. I just needed reassurance.
As of late, my moods have been either extremely high or low. I've been crying a lot. But I've been smiling a lot, too.
My appetite is fluctuating from binge-eating to hardly eating at all. My body is bruised up and sore. I've been violent to myself and I've had such a high sex drive lately. xwx
I guess I'll try to elaborate on each of those things.
I've been wanting to eat a lot of veggies and health food lately. But also a lot of meat. But we don't have much at my house so I really just eat what I can find. Not to mention that I'm probably lactose-intolerant. But I've noticed that it only affects me when I'm stressed ;-; so I think as long as I don't consume much dairy and stay chill, I'll be okay.
When I got really sick, I had decided to stop taking my iron supplement pills because I heard that too much iron can cause you to be sick and I haven't had my iron levels checked in a while. So I haven't been taking them and so, anemia is taking over. I'm so damn bruised up. And really sore.
But it isn't too bad, really. I think if I include more meat in my diet, it'll help.
Well, today I kind of. Self-harmed. But it's nothing too serious. The story behind it is about my lovely mother. Long story short, my mom for pissed off at my half-brother and I, so she threatened me and tried to hit me. I ran into my room and called my boyfriend and while I was waiting for him to respond, I punched myself really hard and repeatedly in the thigh, adding to the bruises left from my anemia.
It just really freaked me out. My mom hasn't been abusive towards me since I was 11 or so. I'm afraid it's going to start back up again.
But I'm sure that I'm okay for now.
And since last night, I've been really sexual since last night. I feel really submissive lately. I've heard of "subspace" that some submissives experience and I think I'm there. Just "subdrop" is what I'm worried about. But with Jason at my side, I'm sure I'll be okay.
I find myself really craving affection from my boyfriend. I've been obsessed with hickies and bruises lately and I'm so excited to see Jason hopefully next weekend. I want to be covered in his marks. The masochist inside me is really enjoying my anemic symptoms. We've been talking about new situations for us and I'm really excited. I crave being in his arms and around him. It's been a difficult time for us with his school schedule but I think seeing eachother will be relief for us both.
We'll finally get to celebrate our 2 years together nwn or rather, 2 years and a month now xD We have plans to go on a date or something and watch stuff together like we do usually. I'm looking forward to it.
So in other words, it's been an up and down kind of life for me, but things are looking up and I've just got to keep it together.
I've been really interested in ASMR and 3D audio lately. I'm actually listening to a 3D version of Honest by The Neighbourhood. It's so cool. *~*
This stuff is so cool. If you haven't heard of it, I definitely recommend looking up stuff on youtube. I've been obsessed with listening to a 3D audio thing of a rainstorm before I sleep.
It really chills me out and helps me stop overthinking before bed.
I'm still learning about ASMR but I'll fill you all in as I learn. nwn
I've been thinking about my future tonight and I'm definitely thinking of selling my own products and opening a spa one day. I'm thinking of studying massage therapy.
Also I'm planning to do a bunch of makeup challenges soon. nwn so if you have any kind of ideas for that, let me know c:
Anyway, I hope everyone is having a lovely week. I'll probably be here if anyone wants to talk. c:
I became a catboy a few nights ago. >w< super proud of this look.