Hello~ hope everyone has been doing well lately. c:
Okay, so I haven't updated here in like forever. I'll try to catch you all up on what's been going on.
My health still hasn't gotten any better. The medication I was given for my diabetes made my symptoms unbearable, but my parents hadn't been able to get me back to the doctor for a while because of my stepdad getting fired from his job. However, he has a new job and we have insurance again, so I should be going back in February.
I can't say that I've been doing well with dieting or anything like that, simply because I'm waiting to get a different prescription. Though I've been trying to go on walks more frequently.
Oh, but I finally have been working on no longer biting my nails. :D I haven't bitten them in a week. I'm shocked that I haven't caved yet. But I'm doing it. I'm really excited to have longer, pretty nails.
(before i stopped biting them)
(after a week)
I know they still aren't great, but it's progress. This is actually the longest I've ever had my nails.
I've been working on changing my appearance. I've needed an all-over change. I'm working on changing up my hair and makeup. I don't have the money to buy clothes right now but I'm making progress.
I cut my hair really short and lightened the color a bit yesterday. It looks nice, but my goal color is platinum lol, so I'll be bleaching it again in about a week.
I think my mental health is improving a bit. I haven't gotten really upset in a while. The worst thing that happened was my lowering self-esteem a little while ago. I was also stressing because I need to get a job as soon as I get healthy enough again. And my boyfriend was really busy with school and friends so I felt too guilty or bothersome to talk to him about it, which is usually how I face my issues. So I was suppressing a lot of worries and I couldn't talk about them. I ended having some really bad dreams, which shook me up a lot.
But all is well now! I expressed my concerns to Jason and we talked it out. We always talk things out and it helps so much. I'm so happy to be in such a healthy, fun relationship.
I've been thinking a lot about spirituality stuff lately. Especially since having bad dreams and doubts about myself. I definetely want to start making charms, dream catchers, jewelry and candles and lotions and stuff for myself and friends and to sell in my shop if I ever get the supplies. I've been reading about different gemstones and crystals and scents and stuff. I think these things would really put my mind at ease and reassure me when I'm stressed.
I've been having spring fever like crazy. I want it to be nice outside so I can go on walks and stuff. Being cramped in my house because of sickness definetely doesn't help. But yesterday my mom and I went to the zoo and had a lot of fun. I hadn't been to the zoo in.... years. It was just so nice to get outside. This coming from me; someone who loves cold weather and staying inside more than anything. xD
I've wanted to write, but I just... don't. @.@ I don't even know.
Anyway, I think that's all that's going on for now. But I'll try to update here more often. owo
Have a lovely day, guys.
-The Flowery Prince
LAYER ONE : THE OUTSIDE
- Name: Kyle. c:
- Eye Color: Light grey-ish olive green.
- Hair Style/Color: Asymmetric, short, currently dyed blue-black.
- Height: 5'7", wish I were shorter though.
- Clothing style: It differs depending on my mood and the weather. I wear a lot of oversized tops with leggings and high-top shoes mostly.
- Best physical feature: Errr... o~o I actually don't know.
LAYER TWO: THE INSIDE
- Your fears: Jason leaving me, my friends forgetting me, changing myself for the worse. I could go on forever.
- Your guilty pleasure: I don't really like the term "guilty pleasure"; you shouldn't feel bad for enjoying anything.
- Ambitions for the future: I just want to be happy and loved.
LAYER THREE: THOUGHTS
- Your first thoughts waking up: "Oh god I wonder what time it is."
- What you think about most: My anxiety, things I'm interested in like fashion and history, my health, the future, my boyfriend.
- What you think about before bed: Jason, and what I plan to do the next day.
- You think your best quality is: My open-mindedness. c:
LAYER FOUR: WHAT’S BETTER?
- Single or group dates: Depends on the date. I've had more single dates than group dates, so I'm more likely to prefer single probably.
- To be loved or respected: Dude, both...? If you love me, you probably respect me.
- Beauty or brains: Ah, brains.
- Dogs or cats: Cats. :3 I'm really afraid of most dogs, but I still think they're wonderful.
LAYER FIVE: DO YOU?
- Lie: ...Not anymore. I used to be a compulsive liar honestly, but I dropped that in sophomore year. I have no need to lie anymore.
- Believe in yourself: -sighs.-
- Believe in love: Very much so.
- Want someone: Yessss.
LAYER SIX: EVER?
- Been on stage: Yeah. o:
- Done drugs: No sirrrr.
- Changed who you were to fit in: I did, a lot when I was younger. To fit in with my tormentors as a little kid, and again from middle school up to junior year to please my "friends."
LAYER SEVEN: FAVORITES
- Favorite color: Indigo/purple, turquoise.
- Favorite animal: Cats, wolves, turtles, penguins, octopuses, foxes.
- Favorite movie: Moulin Rouge, Hercules, A Knight's Tale. Right now it's probably Into The Woods heh.
- Favorite game: Hm, Kingdom Hearts, Growlanser, Prince of Persia.
LAYER EIGHT: AGE
- Day your next birthday will be: May 15th. Too lazy to look up the weekday.
- How old will you be: 19.
- Age you lost your virginity: Hasn't happened yet. Oop.
LAYER NINE: IN A BOY OR GIRL
- Best personality: Good sense of humor, protective, nerdy, smart, dominant, open-minded, comforting.
- Best eye color: Apparently I have a preference for blue eyes. All of the people I've dated have had blue eyes. o.o
- Best hair color: I like dark hair, but really any.
- Best thing to do with a partner: Just cuddling, talking, laughing. c:
LAYER TEN: FINISH THE SENTENCE
- I love: my boyfriend.
- I feel: sleepy and a little nauseous.
- I hide: my face when I talk to people. xD;;
- I miss: my boyfriend. ;w;
- I wish: I would stop being sick. >m<
I hope everyone has a great new year. :3
Okay, well, first of all, my physical health hasn't improved at all, but I'm feeling better mentally. I still have really bad days where I feel that being dead would be better than this, but for the most part, I'm pretty chill now.
My stepdad lost his job recently, so we no longer have health insurance. So going to the doctor from here on, until he gets a new job, is going to be difficult, and probably a rare occasion. So I'm doing all that I can on my own.
I'm going to buy a journal on Friday, and start keeping track of everything I eat and how it makes me feel. And I've been avoiding sugar like the plague.
I've also found that my anxiety affects it more than I thought. I guess I didn't think it was that big of a deal on my physical health. But yeah, it definitely makes it worse. I'm still debating anxiety medication. I... I think I do want to take it when I can.
So, because of my sickness, I hadn't been able to really go anywhere and see my friends or boyfriend for a few months now. But I did yesterday, for New Year's Eve. Jason decided to come spend some time in my city. :3 and we hung out with our friends, Emily and Cody who are also a couple.
It started with Jason and I. We went to go see Into The Woods in the theatre. It was amazing, I really liked it. I watched the original broadway version a few weeks ago, so it was fun to compare to the new version.
After the movie, we were waiting for our friends to pick us up. I'm not allowed to have friends in my house, because our house is really, really trashed. But it was cold and snowy inside, so after moving my cats (Jason's allergic to them), he was able to be inside my house for the first time. We went to my room and he gently shoved me up against the door and we made out. >///< he gave me a hickie and ohhhhh man.
But then Emily called, saying she was outside so we packed up and went out.
We spent the night at Emily's house. I really had a lot of fun. We made sugar cookies and played Cards Against Humanity, and some Mario games. (I've never really played Mario games, so I don't know which ones. >. <)
At midnight, I had my first New Year's kiss. ;///; goodness.
(sexual warning for this next part)
We all went to bed around 2am or so, but I couldn't sleep because my sleep-aid hadn't kicked in yet. Jason and I were sharing the floor while Emily and Cody were on a couch. It didn't seem like Jason could sleep much either. We kissed a lot, and it was pretty obvious that we both wanted more.
He pulled the covers over both of us and slipped his hand under my pants, and then under my panties, which we had never done before. (But we had discussed it before, so don't worry, he had my consent.) It felt amazing, and I got really close to finishing until... Cody woke up. -///-
(btw, i dont know what happened but somewhere during that, the left side of my pelvis shot up with a weird pain?? sharp and very painful.)
But it was like I wasn't really here when Jason was doing that, I zoned out and I was so focused on how good I felt, so when my friend woke up, I snapped out of it. Then I started to worry.
I think I was just tired and got my emotions mixed up. I kept thinking that I didn't want Jason to do those things to me right then and there. I felt like crying because I was scared that I had let him do something to me that I didn't want. But no, no, it was just because I felt guilty about doing this at a friend's house with them sleeping a foot away. xwx
Later that night, Jason and I were awake again and he kissed me a lot again, which I welcomed but I noticed him guiding my hand to the edge of his pants. I kissed him once more, and whispered that I was sorry, because I didn't want us to get caught. He understood, and we went to sleep.
We talked about what happened when Emily and Cody were away earlier today, and I expressed my worries to him, and he helped me feel better and everything is okay. c:
Oh, and Christmas was nice too. c: I got a lot of body/bath stuff, a scarf, the entire series of Game of Thrones books, a paopu fruit plush (like from Kingdom Hearts, my boyfriend gave it to me after saying the whole thing about the connected hearts and stuff ;///;), and a lot of candy and money. c:
Oh, and I do have a few New Year's resolutions. I plan to write everyday that I can, get healthier, and establish my renaissance faire characters, as well as come up with plans for my shop, AND GET A JOB. <~<
So all-in-all, I had a lot of fun and it was nice seeing my friends and boyfriend after so long being trapped at home.
I hope everyone else had fun, and has a lovely new year ahead of them.
I was holding off on writing a new post until I had more positive news, but unfortunately, life is still not going very well. However, I will try to end this post on a good note.
Okay, well, bad news first. I went back to the doctor,...
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So this is probably the worst week of my life. Q~Q
Monday was already bad because I was feeling insecure about my makeup skills, but that later in the evening, my dog Cheyenne got really sick. She was an outdoor dog because she was untrained, but we always made sure to take good care of her. It snowed recently, but she had always been really good with low temperatures for the 12+ years that we had her for. We always kept her dog house full of hay and such, to keep her warm.
My stepdad, who was supposed to be taking care of her at the time, neglected her for two days. Her water outside froze over and she became so weak that she refused to eat.
We brought her inside for the night, but she was still so weak. She drank a lot of water and it seemed like she would be okay, but she passed away early the next morning.
On Tuesday, my mom and I got into an argument about my stepdad. She said really mean things about me and yelled at me all day.
Wednesday, I finally got to go to the doctor for my stomach problems. I was incredibly anxious the whole time because of my fear of doctors.
I broke down in tears because I had to have blood drawn for tests. While the doctors were really nice, I'm terrified of needles and especially getting my blood drawn. I'm anemic and usually kind of dehydrated so I'm a hard stick and they always, always, always stick me at least four times and dig around in my arm and they are never gentle and they never listen to me when I try to tell them the only place anyone's been successful getting blood from me. But this time they only had to try twice, and they took an extra vial so I wouldn't have to do it again.
They actually really don't know what's wrong with me yet, because my symptoms are vague. I'm not internally bleeding or anything, so. They're going to keep seeing me and trying new things to figure out what helps and what doesn't.
My doctor thinks it's probably a hormonal thing since I don't have a period, that I probably have PCOS. Whatever that is. Something about ovaries and hormones. I really don't care if I have to take some hormonal thing. Like yeah, I have gender dysphoria but honestly I just can't deal with this stomach pain anymore. And it won't do much probably, aside from make me lose weight and stop growing facial hair. Which is fine with me. My only concern is that I'll start having periods regularly, which is an absolute no. Periods make me feel absolutely disgusting inside and out and mine are really, really bad. Like they last for a month with super heavy flow and cramps so bad that I can't move. So they disrupt my life and I can't deal with that.
Another thing is that I'm probably going to be put on medication for my anxiety, since it's also taking a toll on my physical health. I always said that I didn't want to take medication for it but I can't live with it anymore. I'm actually feeling really scared to start that. I don't want to become a zombie, or addicted. I don't want to be suicidal again. I know that if those things do happen, I can take a different brand or dosage but I'm scared. I keep getting really upset that I have to be on medication.
On Thursday... I started my period. -.- and that caused me a lot of pain and discomfort and dysphoria and anger. I had a really bad panic attack. I've been having those all week, but this one was especially bad. I screamed and slammed things and tried to hurt myself and cried for like an hour.
Because I'm on my period AND having stomach issues? like. Why. Why can't I get a break.
My period isn't so bad yet, but I'm feeling really paranoid and uncomfortable and I hate it a lot. I wish there was a way to just stop them immediately.
I also cut and dyed my hair that day. When I went to my grandparents' house, my grandma called me ugly and on the way back home, my mom and I were play fighting. She accidentally broke my glasses, but I was able to get them to be wearable again.
Friday actually wasn't too bad. We just celebrated my grandma and half-brother's birthdays. Then me and my brother hung out for a while since I haven't seen much of him lately. I dyed his hair for him.
Today, I've been upsetting Jason a lot. /: Because I've been feeling insecure and alone and clingy and I really hate myself today honestly. I keep trying to make things better but I just can't. I know he doesn't want to leave me, but I'm ruining his day and probably his life. I'm so messed up.
I just don't understand why I can't just. Stop being a fucking nuisance. I'm clingy and whiny and annoying. No wonder I really don't have friends anymore.
Sigh. I'm going to go cry in bed for a while. I'll try to write a more positive post later but right now, I don't feel well. Ttyl.
-the anxious prince.