Posty post post.
So I've been beyond stressed lately. Not fun, at all.
Uh. Well I guess it started like last week. I got sick at my grandparents' house and this just set off a whole debate. My mom and stepdad got into a huge argument with my grandparents. Over me. About what to do with me
I felt like such a burden on everyone. I still feel that way. I feel so terrible that I stress everyone out, which is leading to more insecurity about that throughout the week.
So that night, my mom took me to the hospital because we were all fed up with this sickness. They didn't do much, really. Just took my blood and ran tests and put me on an IV thing for a few hours. We were there until 4am.
The next day, I had a doctor's appointment. My doctor put me on some medication for my sickness and for my diabetes. If these things don't work, I'll be sent to a specialist.
So far, the medicine seems to be helping. I still have a lot of stomach discomfort, but I haven't gotten sick since being on the medication. So that's good.
I've been sort of dieting since then as well. And I have a cold since being at the hospital. So irritating.
Jason and I have been arguing a lot lately. It's really my fault though. Because of my insecurities and anxiety causing me to lash out at him. It's been really difficult for both of us. We're okay though because we do talk things out, but I wish I would stop creating problems.
My mom and boyfriend are still wanting me to get on anxiety medication. I still don't want to do it. I still get upset thinking about it because I don't want people to like me better when on medication. It really hurts me to think about. But I might do it. I don't know.
I bit all my nails off last week as well. @.@ I need some sort of fidget toy. I tried putting fake nails on but they just bothered me so much. They came off in the shower anyway lol.
I haven't drawn in a while, I just got back into it today. It's been weird.
Anyway. Things are going to be okay but right now I'm just beyond stressed out about everything.
Hope everyone has a good week. I'll post a happier post soon, I swear.
-The Stressed Prince
Hello~ hope everyone has been doing well lately. c:
Okay, so I haven't updated here in like forever. I'll try to catch you all up on what's been going on.
My health still hasn't gotten any better. The medication I was given for my diabetes made my symptoms unbearable, but my parents hadn't been able to get me back to the doctor for a while because of my stepdad getting fired from his job. However, he has a new job and we have insurance again, so I should be going back in February.
I can't say that I've been doing well with dieting or anything like that, simply because I'm waiting to get a different prescription. Though I've been trying to go on walks more frequently.
Oh, but I finally have been working on no longer biting my nails. :D I haven't bitten them in a week. I'm shocked that I haven't caved yet. But I'm doing it. I'm really excited to have longer, pretty nails.
(before i stopped biting them)
(after a week)
I know they still aren't great, but it's progress. This is actually the longest I've ever had my nails.
I've been working on changing my appearance. I've needed an all-over change. I'm working on changing up my hair and makeup. I don't have the money to buy clothes right now but I'm making progress.
I cut my hair really short and lightened the color a bit yesterday. It looks nice, but my goal color is platinum lol, so I'll be bleaching it again in about a week.
I think my mental health is improving a bit. I haven't gotten really upset in a while. The worst thing that happened was my lowering self-esteem a little while ago. I was also stressing because I need to get a job as soon as I get healthy enough again. And my boyfriend was really busy with school and friends so I felt too guilty or bothersome to talk to him about it, which is usually how I face my issues. So I was suppressing a lot of worries and I couldn't talk about them. I ended having some really bad dreams, which shook me up a lot.
But all is well now! I expressed my concerns to Jason and we talked it out. We always talk things out and it helps so much. I'm so happy to be in such a healthy, fun relationship.
I've been thinking a lot about spirituality stuff lately. Especially since having bad dreams and doubts about myself. I definetely want to start making charms, dream catchers, jewelry and candles and lotions and stuff for myself and friends and to sell in my shop if I ever get the supplies. I've been reading about different gemstones and crystals and scents and stuff. I think these things would really put my mind at ease and reassure me when I'm stressed.
I've been having spring fever like crazy. I want it to be nice outside so I can go on walks and stuff. Being cramped in my house because of sickness definetely doesn't help. But yesterday my mom and I went to the zoo and had a lot of fun. I hadn't been to the zoo in.... years. It was just so nice to get outside. This coming from me; someone who loves cold weather and staying inside more than anything. xD
I've wanted to write, but I just... don't. @.@ I don't even know.
Anyway, I think that's all that's going on for now. But I'll try to update here more often. owo
Have a lovely day, guys.
-The Flowery Prince
LAYER ONE : THE OUTSIDE
- Name: Kyle. c:
- Eye Color: Light grey-ish olive green.
- Hair Style/Color: Asymmetric, short, currently dyed blue-black.
- Height: 5'7", wish I were shorter though.
- Clothing style: It differs depending on my mood and the weather. I wear a lot of oversized tops with leggings and high-top shoes mostly.
- Best physical feature: Errr... o~o I actually don't know.
LAYER TWO: THE INSIDE
- Your fears: Jason leaving me, my friends forgetting me, changing myself for the worse. I could go on forever.
- Your guilty pleasure: I don't really like the term "guilty pleasure"; you shouldn't feel bad for enjoying anything.
- Ambitions for the future: I just want to be happy and loved.
LAYER THREE: THOUGHTS
- Your first thoughts waking up: "Oh god I wonder what time it is."
- What you think about most: My anxiety, things I'm interested in like fashion and history, my health, the future, my boyfriend.
- What you think about before bed: Jason, and what I plan to do the next day.
- You think your best quality is: My open-mindedness. c:
LAYER FOUR: WHAT’S BETTER?
- Single or group dates: Depends on the date. I've had more single dates than group dates, so I'm more likely to prefer single probably.
- To be loved or respected: Dude, both...? If you love me, you probably respect me.
- Beauty or brains: Ah, brains.
- Dogs or cats: Cats. :3 I'm really afraid of most dogs, but I still think they're wonderful.
LAYER FIVE: DO YOU?
- Lie: ...Not anymore. I used to be a compulsive liar honestly, but I dropped that in sophomore year. I have no need to lie anymore.
- Believe in yourself: -sighs.-
- Believe in love: Very much so.
- Want someone: Yessss.
LAYER SIX: EVER?
- Been on stage: Yeah. o:
- Done drugs: No sirrrr.
- Changed who you were to fit in: I did, a lot when I was younger. To fit in with my tormentors as a little kid, and again from middle school up to junior year to please my "friends."
LAYER SEVEN: FAVORITES
- Favorite color: Indigo/purple, turquoise.
- Favorite animal: Cats, wolves, turtles, penguins, octopuses, foxes.
- Favorite movie: Moulin Rouge, Hercules, A Knight's Tale. Right now it's probably Into The Woods heh.
- Favorite game: Hm, Kingdom Hearts, Growlanser, Prince of Persia.
LAYER EIGHT: AGE
- Day your next birthday will be: May 15th. Too lazy to look up the weekday.
- How old will you be: 19.
- Age you lost your virginity: Hasn't happened yet. Oop.
LAYER NINE: IN A BOY OR GIRL
- Best personality: Good sense of humor, protective, nerdy, smart, dominant, open-minded, comforting.
- Best eye color: Apparently I have a preference for blue eyes. All of the people I've dated have had blue eyes. o.o
- Best hair color: I like dark hair, but really any.
- Best thing to do with a partner: Just cuddling, talking, laughing. c:
LAYER TEN: FINISH THE SENTENCE
- I love: my boyfriend.
- I feel: sleepy and a little nauseous.
- I hide: my face when I talk to people. xD;;
- I miss: my boyfriend. ;w;
- I wish: I would stop being sick. >m<
I hope everyone has a great new year. :3
Okay, well, first of all, my physical health hasn't improved at all, but I'm feeling better mentally. I still have really bad days where I feel that being dead would be better than this, but for the most part, I'm pretty chill now.
My stepdad lost his job recently, so we no longer have health insurance. So going to the doctor from here on, until he gets a new job, is going to be difficult, and probably a rare occasion. So I'm doing all that I can on my own.
I'm going to buy a journal on Friday, and start keeping track of everything I eat and how it makes me feel. And I've been avoiding sugar like the plague.
I've also found that my anxiety affects it more than I thought. I guess I didn't think it was that big of a deal on my physical health. But yeah, it definitely makes it worse. I'm still debating anxiety medication. I... I think I do want to take it when I can.
So, because of my sickness, I hadn't been able to really go anywhere and see my friends or boyfriend for a few months now. But I did yesterday, for New Year's Eve. Jason decided to come spend some time in my city. :3 and we hung out with our friends, Emily and Cody who are also a couple.
It started with Jason and I. We went to go see Into The Woods in the theatre. It was amazing, I really liked it. I watched the original broadway version a few weeks ago, so it was fun to compare to the new version.
After the movie, we were waiting for our friends to pick us up. I'm not allowed to have friends in my house, because our house is really, really trashed. But it was cold and snowy inside, so after moving my cats (Jason's allergic to them), he was able to be inside my house for the first time. We went to my room and he gently shoved me up against the door and we made out. >///< he gave me a hickie and ohhhhh man.
But then Emily called, saying she was outside so we packed up and went out.
We spent the night at Emily's house. I really had a lot of fun. We made sugar cookies and played Cards Against Humanity, and some Mario games. (I've never really played Mario games, so I don't know which ones. >. <)
At midnight, I had my first New Year's kiss. ;///; goodness.
(sexual warning for this next part)
We all went to bed around 2am or so, but I couldn't sleep because my sleep-aid hadn't kicked in yet. Jason and I were sharing the floor while Emily and Cody were on a couch. It didn't seem like Jason could sleep much either. We kissed a lot, and it was pretty obvious that we both wanted more.
He pulled the covers over both of us and slipped his hand under my pants, and then under my panties, which we had never done before. (But we had discussed it before, so don't worry, he had my consent.) It felt amazing, and I got really close to finishing until... Cody woke up. -///-
(btw, i dont know what happened but somewhere during that, the left side of my pelvis shot up with a weird pain?? sharp and very painful.)
But it was like I wasn't really here when Jason was doing that, I zoned out and I was so focused on how good I felt, so when my friend woke up, I snapped out of it. Then I started to worry.
I think I was just tired and got my emotions mixed up. I kept thinking that I didn't want Jason to do those things to me right then and there. I felt like crying because I was scared that I had let him do something to me that I didn't want. But no, no, it was just because I felt guilty about doing this at a friend's house with them sleeping a foot away. xwx
Later that night, Jason and I were awake again and he kissed me a lot again, which I welcomed but I noticed him guiding my hand to the edge of his pants. I kissed him once more, and whispered that I was sorry, because I didn't want us to get caught. He understood, and we went to sleep.
We talked about what happened when Emily and Cody were away earlier today, and I expressed my worries to him, and he helped me feel better and everything is okay. c:
Oh, and Christmas was nice too. c: I got a lot of body/bath stuff, a scarf, the entire series of Game of Thrones books, a paopu fruit plush (like from Kingdom Hearts, my boyfriend gave it to me after saying the whole thing about the connected hearts and stuff ;///;), and a lot of candy and money. c:
Oh, and I do have a few New Year's resolutions. I plan to write everyday that I can, get healthier, and establish my renaissance faire characters, as well as come up with plans for my shop, AND GET A JOB. <~<
So all-in-all, I had a lot of fun and it was nice seeing my friends and boyfriend after so long being trapped at home.
I hope everyone else had fun, and has a lovely new year ahead of them.
I was holding off on writing a new post until I had more positive news, but unfortunately, life is still not going very well. However, I will try to end this post on a good note.
Okay, well, bad news first. I went back to the doctor,...
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