I feel like giving up on everything.
I don't understand what happened to me. I was over-the-moon happy. I was so excited to not be sick and being able to see my boyfriend and friends more often, and I wanted to go out everywhere and be carefree.
But recently I have felt so empty. I don't get excited over anything. I'm just kind of... here.
My only other emotion is hopelessness. All I do now is breaking down and crying my eyes out and arguing with Jason.
We argue over my self-hatred and how I feel I'm ruining his life. He swears I'm not. But I feel he's going to slip away from me and into the arms of someone better. Constantly arguing with him about this probably doesn't make him want to stay. I make him feel bad because he can't help me much.
I hate this. I just want him to be happy. I don't deserve him.
But my relationship isn't to blame for this. I wish I knew the cause of this but I just don't.
And my body disgusts me to no end. I just don't want to be fat anymore. I don't want to be ugly anymore.
All I've wanted to do lately is lay in bed and cry and fucking cut and binge-eat and purge. I just want to die, honestly. I haven't felt this way in so long.
And I feel guilty for feeling this way. I should be happy, I should have gotten over my depression long ago. I should be better. I'm not allowed to be this sad.
I'm supposed to be upbeat and happy. I have everything I want. Why am I so selfish.
I need help, but I have a terrible fear of therapists... They're too intimidating and they make me feel like a freak. They make me feel like everyone gave up on me. Probably because of previous sessions and because of my family threatening to send me to mental hospitals and because of Ashley telling me she would leave me if I didn't see a therapist because she didn't want to deal with me anymore.
I don't want medication, I don't want therapy. But if I don't get these things, everyone will leave me just like Ashley did. I don't even know if I blame her anymore, honestly.
I'm so sorry.
I keep losing motivation to write an update here >< I swear it will be a regular thing one day.
Everything is actually going pretty well for me lately. I haven't been getting sick! And I've been socializing with my friends more c:
My boyfriend came over and spent the night with me on Valentine's Day. x3
We watched Corpse Bride and gave eachother gifts and walked around the mall. It was really awesome to be near him again, and he can now come over to my house more regularly.
So when my parents went to bed, we had a pretty great makeout session >///< We turned off the lights in my room, and turned on some electronic candles and the scentsy thing he gave me. (which has a scent that smells like him. omg) it was a really romantic atmosphere.
He took off my clothes, leaving me in just panties, which is a first for us /)////( I took off his pants so that was fun. I fumbled a lot but I did it x'D
Anyway, long story short, we grinded, found out that nipple stuff drives me insane in a good way, had him pin me down to my bed by my forearms above my head and cover me in hickies, and we both indulged eachother in some fetish stuff, he tried giving me oral too. o////o
We both really embraced our roles as me being submissive and him being dominant. Like we were both more confident in acting out what we like. It was just. Damn.
But yeah o; He's probably going to come over again next weekend. We're going to chill and do some art and just relax. I can't wait. <3
Like I said earlier, I've been talking to my two best friends again. Carli and Tah-Tah.
Carli is a senior at my old school now, so she's working on senior project. She's writing and putting on a one-act play, called Dinner Party. So I'm basically her mentor in this, and I'm the co-director for the play. It's going well so far I think. I meet up with her at least once a week to work on it with her.
Tah-Tah and I text a decent amount now. She's in college, working on getting in shape. She's been having some issues with an eating disorder. But I'm trying tp help her through it, having been through it myself before.
I went to spend some time with my dad's family this weekend.
It kinda went to hell after a while though. Because my dad went out drinking with Tina and some things went down because of my dad's abusive friend with benefits. Then my dad went missing for five hours after midnight, and no one had an idea where he went. We were terrified because it was snowing out and he was drunk and in bad mental and physical condition. But we found him, he fell asleep in a theatre and his phone had died. Everything is okay now, thankfully.
I also had a rough night last night over stupid stuff but I'm alright now. Though I somehow hurt my shoulder really bad. It hurts to move x.x
I've been drawing a lot lately though c: I want to write but.... ugh, I just never do.
Also, I've been working on choosing another name for myself to go by. I do love my current name, Kyle Pierce, but my ex best friend chose the name for me like four years ago and I just want something that's entirely my own. I'm thinking of something androgynous or a feminine boy name. I may or may not keep it a 'K' name, I dunno. But I'm still looking for names so I've yet to decide.
Anyway, I'm going to submit some art in a moment o:
Hope everyone is having a nice week <3
-The Weak But Content Prince.
Posty post post.
So I've been beyond stressed lately. Not fun, at all.
Uh. Well I guess it started like last week. I got sick at my grandparents' house and this just set off a whole debate. My mom and stepdad got into a huge argument with my grandparents. Over me. About what to do with me
I felt like such a burden on everyone. I still feel that way. I feel so terrible that I stress everyone out, which is leading to more insecurity about that throughout the week.
So that night, my mom took me to the hospital because we were all fed up with this sickness. They didn't do much, really. Just took my blood and ran tests and put me on an IV thing for a few hours. We were there until 4am.
The next day, I had a doctor's appointment. My doctor put me on some medication for my sickness and for my diabetes. If these things don't work, I'll be sent to a specialist.
So far, the medicine seems to be helping. I still have a lot of stomach discomfort, but I haven't gotten sick since being on the medication. So that's good.
I've been sort of dieting since then as well. And I have a cold since being at the hospital. So irritating.
Jason and I have been arguing a lot lately. It's really my fault though. Because of my insecurities and anxiety causing me to lash out at him. It's been really difficult for both of us. We're okay though because we do talk things out, but I wish I would stop creating problems.
My mom and boyfriend are still wanting me to get on anxiety medication. I still don't want to do it. I still get upset thinking about it because I don't want people to like me better when on medication. It really hurts me to think about. But I might do it. I don't know.
I bit all my nails off last week as well. @.@ I need some sort of fidget toy. I tried putting fake nails on but they just bothered me so much. They came off in the shower anyway lol.
I haven't drawn in a while, I just got back into it today. It's been weird.
Anyway. Things are going to be okay but right now I'm just beyond stressed out about everything.
Hope everyone has a good week. I'll post a happier post soon, I swear.
-The Stressed Prince
Hello~ hope everyone has been doing well lately. c:
Okay, so I haven't updated here in like forever. I'll try to catch you all up on what's been going on.
My health still hasn't gotten any better. The medication I was given for my diabetes made my symptoms unbearable, but my parents hadn't been able to get me back to the doctor for a while because of my stepdad getting fired from his job. However, he has a new job and we have insurance again, so I should be going back in February.
I can't say that I've been doing well with dieting or anything like that, simply because I'm waiting to get a different prescription. Though I've been trying to go on walks more frequently.
Oh, but I finally have been working on no longer biting my nails. :D I haven't bitten them in a week. I'm shocked that I haven't caved yet. But I'm doing it. I'm really excited to have longer, pretty nails.
(before i stopped biting them)
(after a week)
I know they still aren't great, but it's progress. This is actually the longest I've ever had my nails.
I've been working on changing my appearance. I've needed an all-over change. I'm working on changing up my hair and makeup. I don't have the money to buy clothes right now but I'm making progress.
I cut my hair really short and lightened the color a bit yesterday. It looks nice, but my goal color is platinum lol, so I'll be bleaching it again in about a week.
I think my mental health is improving a bit. I haven't gotten really upset in a while. The worst thing that happened was my lowering self-esteem a little while ago. I was also stressing because I need to get a job as soon as I get healthy enough again. And my boyfriend was really busy with school and friends so I felt too guilty or bothersome to talk to him about it, which is usually how I face my issues. So I was suppressing a lot of worries and I couldn't talk about them. I ended having some really bad dreams, which shook me up a lot.
But all is well now! I expressed my concerns to Jason and we talked it out. We always talk things out and it helps so much. I'm so happy to be in such a healthy, fun relationship.
I've been thinking a lot about spirituality stuff lately. Especially since having bad dreams and doubts about myself. I definetely want to start making charms, dream catchers, jewelry and candles and lotions and stuff for myself and friends and to sell in my shop if I ever get the supplies. I've been reading about different gemstones and crystals and scents and stuff. I think these things would really put my mind at ease and reassure me when I'm stressed.
I've been having spring fever like crazy. I want it to be nice outside so I can go on walks and stuff. Being cramped in my house because of sickness definetely doesn't help. But yesterday my mom and I went to the zoo and had a lot of fun. I hadn't been to the zoo in.... years. It was just so nice to get outside. This coming from me; someone who loves cold weather and staying inside more than anything. xD
I've wanted to write, but I just... don't. @.@ I don't even know.
Anyway, I think that's all that's going on for now. But I'll try to update here more often. owo
Have a lovely day, guys.
-The Flowery Prince
LAYER ONE : THE OUTSIDE
- Name: Kyle. c:
- Eye Color: Light grey-ish olive green.
- Hair Style/Color: Asymmetric, short, currently dyed blue-black.
- Height: 5'7", wish I were shorter though.
- Clothing style: It differs depending on my mood and the weather. I wear a lot of oversized tops with leggings and high-top shoes mostly.
- Best physical feature: Errr... o~o I actually don't know.
LAYER TWO: THE INSIDE
- Your fears: Jason leaving me, my friends forgetting me, changing myself for the worse. I could go on forever.
- Your guilty pleasure: I don't really like the term "guilty pleasure"; you shouldn't feel bad for enjoying anything.
- Ambitions for the future: I just want to be happy and loved.
LAYER THREE: THOUGHTS
- Your first thoughts waking up: "Oh god I wonder what time it is."
- What you think about most: My anxiety, things I'm interested in like fashion and history, my health, the future, my boyfriend.
- What you think about before bed: Jason, and what I plan to do the next day.
- You think your best quality is: My open-mindedness. c:
LAYER FOUR: WHAT’S BETTER?
- Single or group dates: Depends on the date. I've had more single dates than group dates, so I'm more likely to prefer single probably.
- To be loved or respected: Dude, both...? If you love me, you probably respect me.
- Beauty or brains: Ah, brains.
- Dogs or cats: Cats. :3 I'm really afraid of most dogs, but I still think they're wonderful.
LAYER FIVE: DO YOU?
- Lie: ...Not anymore. I used to be a compulsive liar honestly, but I dropped that in sophomore year. I have no need to lie anymore.
- Believe in yourself: -sighs.-
- Believe in love: Very much so.
- Want someone: Yessss.
LAYER SIX: EVER?
- Been on stage: Yeah. o:
- Done drugs: No sirrrr.
- Changed who you were to fit in: I did, a lot when I was younger. To fit in with my tormentors as a little kid, and again from middle school up to junior year to please my "friends."
LAYER SEVEN: FAVORITES
- Favorite color: Indigo/purple, turquoise.
- Favorite animal: Cats, wolves, turtles, penguins, octopuses, foxes.
- Favorite movie: Moulin Rouge, Hercules, A Knight's Tale. Right now it's probably Into The Woods heh.
- Favorite game: Hm, Kingdom Hearts, Growlanser, Prince of Persia.
LAYER EIGHT: AGE
- Day your next birthday will be: May 15th. Too lazy to look up the weekday.
- How old will you be: 19.
- Age you lost your virginity: Hasn't happened yet. Oop.
LAYER NINE: IN A BOY OR GIRL
- Best personality: Good sense of humor, protective, nerdy, smart, dominant, open-minded, comforting.
- Best eye color: Apparently I have a preference for blue eyes. All of the people I've dated have had blue eyes. o.o
- Best hair color: I like dark hair, but really any.
- Best thing to do with a partner: Just cuddling, talking, laughing. c:
LAYER TEN: FINISH THE SENTENCE
- I love: my boyfriend.
- I feel: sleepy and a little nauseous.
- I hide: my face when I talk to people. xD;;
- I miss: my boyfriend. ;w;
- I wish: I would stop being sick. >m<