I was holding off on writing a new post until I had more positive news, but unfortunately, life is still not going very well. However, I will try to end this post on a good note.
Okay, well, bad news first. I went back to the doctor,...
Read the full post »
So this is probably the worst week of my life. Q~Q
Monday was already bad because I was feeling insecure about my makeup skills, but that later in the evening, my dog Cheyenne got really sick. She was an outdoor dog because she was untrained, but we always made sure to take good care of her. It snowed recently, but she had always been really good with low temperatures for the 12+ years that we had her for. We always kept her dog house full of hay and such, to keep her warm.
My stepdad, who was supposed to be taking care of her at the time, neglected her for two days. Her water outside froze over and she became so weak that she refused to eat.
We brought her inside for the night, but she was still so weak. She drank a lot of water and it seemed like she would be okay, but she passed away early the next morning.
On Tuesday, my mom and I got into an argument about my stepdad. She said really mean things about me and yelled at me all day.
Wednesday, I finally got to go to the doctor for my stomach problems. I was incredibly anxious the whole time because of my fear of doctors.
I broke down in tears because I had to have blood drawn for tests. While the doctors were really nice, I'm terrified of needles and especially getting my blood drawn. I'm anemic and usually kind of dehydrated so I'm a hard stick and they always, always, always stick me at least four times and dig around in my arm and they are never gentle and they never listen to me when I try to tell them the only place anyone's been successful getting blood from me. But this time they only had to try twice, and they took an extra vial so I wouldn't have to do it again.
They actually really don't know what's wrong with me yet, because my symptoms are vague. I'm not internally bleeding or anything, so. They're going to keep seeing me and trying new things to figure out what helps and what doesn't.
My doctor thinks it's probably a hormonal thing since I don't have a period, that I probably have PCOS. Whatever that is. Something about ovaries and hormones. I really don't care if I have to take some hormonal thing. Like yeah, I have gender dysphoria but honestly I just can't deal with this stomach pain anymore. And it won't do much probably, aside from make me lose weight and stop growing facial hair. Which is fine with me. My only concern is that I'll start having periods regularly, which is an absolute no. Periods make me feel absolutely disgusting inside and out and mine are really, really bad. Like they last for a month with super heavy flow and cramps so bad that I can't move. So they disrupt my life and I can't deal with that.
Another thing is that I'm probably going to be put on medication for my anxiety, since it's also taking a toll on my physical health. I always said that I didn't want to take medication for it but I can't live with it anymore. I'm actually feeling really scared to start that. I don't want to become a zombie, or addicted. I don't want to be suicidal again. I know that if those things do happen, I can take a different brand or dosage but I'm scared. I keep getting really upset that I have to be on medication.
On Thursday... I started my period. -.- and that caused me a lot of pain and discomfort and dysphoria and anger. I had a really bad panic attack. I've been having those all week, but this one was especially bad. I screamed and slammed things and tried to hurt myself and cried for like an hour.
Because I'm on my period AND having stomach issues? like. Why. Why can't I get a break.
My period isn't so bad yet, but I'm feeling really paranoid and uncomfortable and I hate it a lot. I wish there was a way to just stop them immediately.
I also cut and dyed my hair that day. When I went to my grandparents' house, my grandma called me ugly and on the way back home, my mom and I were play fighting. She accidentally broke my glasses, but I was able to get them to be wearable again.
Friday actually wasn't too bad. We just celebrated my grandma and half-brother's birthdays. Then me and my brother hung out for a while since I haven't seen much of him lately. I dyed his hair for him.
Today, I've been upsetting Jason a lot. /: Because I've been feeling insecure and alone and clingy and I really hate myself today honestly. I keep trying to make things better but I just can't. I know he doesn't want to leave me, but I'm ruining his day and probably his life. I'm so messed up.
I just don't understand why I can't just. Stop being a fucking nuisance. I'm clingy and whiny and annoying. No wonder I really don't have friends anymore.
Sigh. I'm going to go cry in bed for a while. I'll try to write a more positive post later but right now, I don't feel well. Ttyl.
-the anxious prince.
I just want to keep myself into writing here at a decent pace. I tend to go a while without updating so. >.<
Lets seeeeee. Well not much has been happening with me, personally. This is pretty much a post about nothing. owo
I went costume-shopping the day before Halloween. xD I had to do "spooky" makeup to do so, of course.
I got some vampire fangs that turned out terrible because the dental adhesive sucked and did not work at all.
So I got really upset because I always get super excited for halloween, and my mom wouldn't even let me pass out candy for a while. Until I got in a better mood. :D
So I winged it and threw together a costume really quick on Halloween night. I think it turned out well for last minute. Thank goodness I'm a costumer and have costume stuff everywhere. Kind of. I was a heart-stealing demon prince.
Unfortunately, all of that makeup irritated the skin under my eye. So I have a scar-looking thing. xD
The weekend passed by really quickly for some reason. Perhaps because of my lack of sleep.
I should be finally heading to a doctor next week. Thankfully. I can't wait to feel better.
On Monday, it seemed like it was going to be a normal day for my family. We all planned to go to my grandparents' for dinner, like every Monday night.
But my mom got a call. I was drawing in the living room but I could hear her talking to my grandma.
My little brother, Brendon, got jumped after school.
He was walking on his way home, when they pulled him into the alleyway and this dude from his school that he's been having issues with beat him up. He had a ring on. So my brother ended up with some cuts and bruises.
He's alright, he just had to get some stitches in his forehead and the side of his head.
Upon hearing this news, I wasn't all that angry.
But it keeps weighing on me that while my brother was in the hospital, this guy was at home living it up. While my brother was stressing about school, this guy was the reason. And it makes me so pissed off.
My brother said that everyone involved was making racial slurs towards him for being white.
My parents are trying to take action, at least. My dad took pictures of his wounds and the hospital has records of his visit.
Later that night, my mom and I went to dinner at my grandparents'. My grandma was being more homophobic and racist and transphobic and all sorts of hateful, more so than usual. I think she was angry about the guy who beat up my brother. We all are. But does it really help to be more racist back? All it does is fan the flames.
I got really upset with the things she was saying. And while I know she loves me, I know she'll never accept me for who I am. And I may as well never talk to her about it, either. She's set in her ways.
Another thing that upsets me is that my family literally did not/does not care when I get stressed out, and they only care about my brother's mental state when things get violent. I don't understand people. I don't think I ever will.
The important thing is that my brother is okay.
I find myself missing Ashley, and my life a few years ago, sometimes. I miss living with my dad and Tina in a house where I had a lovely room and I was woken up by either my dad playing guitar loudly in my room or Tina's seeing-eye dog licking my face. I miss making my dad some coffee in the morning and going downstairs to spend all night drinking Mountain Dew and chatting with people. I miss having friends over to cosplay with and slide down the stairs until we got rugburn. I miss having homecooked meals. I miss my old best friend, before she changed, and how we would laugh at everything and talk for hours on end.
I miss my dad, I think. I should go see him soon.
I don't think I really miss her, though. I think I just miss having a real best friend. I mean, my boyfriend is the closest person to me and we talk all the time about everything and it's the most perfect thing. But I miss having someone to talk to about my adventures with him and to "girl-talk" with. I miss having close friends.
And even if she wanted to be my friend, I don't think I would let her ever get that close to me again. We could be acquaintances but nothing more. I still hate her for everything she did to me. I'm not one to hold grudges or be unforgiving, but she ruined me. She manipulated me into being her little follower. Ruined what little self-esteem I had, and always made me feel guilty for just existing. She was the definition of "energy-vampire".
People tend to not realize that abusive friendships are a thing that happens. I wish it had more awareness.
So I'm really happy to have gotten away from her. I have my own personality, and I've become so self-aware of myself now. It's awesome! I can finally like things that I "wasn't allowed" to like. I can finally be myself. c:
But I have my boyfriend, who is a perfect sweetie. We've been talking a lot lately about our future together. He asked me about proposing to me last night. /)w( while that is a long way away, I'm still so excited and it makes me feel so honored that he wants to spend his life with me, of all people.
I don't think I've mentioned this on here, but I've come to the conclusion that I'm an empath. I feel the emotions of people around me. I think it explains a lot of things in my life. Why I'm so over-sensitive and such. It's both a blessing and a curse.
Also I associate people with a lot of things, like colors, emotions, objects, sensations, etc.
I believe pretty firmly in karma and magic and superstition, and horoscope stuff. But not literally. I believe these things can influence people's lives. They can make you think and do things without being direct.
Idk I just felt like explaining my spirituality, for some reason...
I'm so excited for the Christmas season! :D but also thanksgiving o: it's going to be awesome. I plan to cook and bake a lot.
I think I'll end this before I ramble on much further xD
-The Rambling Prince
Since I last posted, nothing too huge has been happening. Lots of ups and downs for me, though. >~<
I'm still having stomach issues. I've had everything uncomfortable that you can imagine. I still haven't been able to get to a doctor. Which sucks because this sickness is literally forcing me to put my life on hold. I can hardly leave my house and it's driving me insane. xwx
On a good note of health matters, I'm down to 239 lbs from my original 250 lbs about two months ago, just from cutting out soda and fast food.
Also I had a fierce fever and cold that I'm just now getting over. But I'm very happy that they didn't last a month like usual when I'm sick.
I usually only get sick in winter (my favorite season, despite my body's disagreement), so I'm hoping that maybe this sickness was a sign that this will be my first healthy winter! I sure hope so. *~*
I'm not one to self-diagnose, but today I realized that I have every single symptom of insomnia. I have not slept since Tuesday night. I just cannot seem to fall asleep very well, even when I'm super tired. And when I am asleep, I constantly wake up every three hours and I don't remember a time I slept more than 6 hours at a time. It's gotten incredibly bad these past few weeks and it's taking a toll on me. :<
Another damaging hit to my mental health is family issues. My mom is stressing out and very angry lately and has been taking it out on me emotionally. My dad is pressuring me to get a state ID and thinks I'm faking my stomach illness. Oh, if only. ;-; and my brother and I have been arguing a lot.
My mental health is in shreds, hanging on a thread from losing my mind, basically. I am absolutely falling apart over here.
I've had strong urges to cut and purge. I've yet to give in to them but I've become so self-destructive. I keep picking at my skin and hitting myself when I'm angry.
I've been clean from those things for only about a day and a half now, and only because of my dear Jason; I made a promise to stop.
And poor Jason. He's been hard at work dealing with my mental breakdowns and panic attacks and keeping me sane. If not for him, I'm not entirely sure I'd be still alive right now, let alone okay. He's been holding me together for a little while now. Because I take out my anger against myself and I get anxious about losing him. He swears he won't leave and still loves me. I believe him. That's about all I have going for me right now. Hopefully I'll stop putting him under so much stress. He's so wonderful and doesn't deserve my constant crying.
My self-loathing is at an all-time high, and I've never hated myself so much in my life. I've been crying a lot.
I want to hurt myself. I want to rip myself to shreds for the terrible things I am. For being such an awful person.
But all I really crave is to be held and comforted. Does that even make sense?
But I have had breaks of happiness in between my depression. So I'll talk about those. c:
I've been getting better with doing makeup. :D
I gave myself freckles once.
Then I was a prince for a day.
Those are just my two favorite looks as of late.
And for Halloween, I'm improving a costume because I can't afford to buy one. But I know I can turn it out. I'm just going to be a vampire but you better believe that my makeup is gonna be fab. Even if I am just handing out candy lol.
-very bitter that I'm officially too old to trick-r-treat-
Also, I finally got some friend-time last Friday. I went to another midnight showing of Rocky Horror! I got to see Carli, Rikki, Haley, Dezi, Grace, Twiggy, Tony and David :D it was so cool to hang out with all of them. Most of them I hadn't seen since leaving high school.
I was Eddie again this year, but this time I added my own personal touches since I lost a few costume pieces.
I've been reading quite a bit lately. nwn I'm working on finishing Vampire Kisses series by Ellen Schreiber-- yes I know it's for like middle schoolers but it's so fun to read.
I also read Jessica's Guide to Dating on the Dark Side by Beth Fantaskey o: this book sounds really terrible, but it's now one of my top favorite books. It seems like it would be another Twilight knock-off but it's way better. It has a lot of unpredictable plot twists and the character development is one of the best things about it. It's so real and all the characters are unique, changing, real, and they make sense! Seriously, check it out if you can. I love it.
Right now I'm reading Cruel Beauty by Rosamund Hodge. I wanna say I really like it. But I just hate the main character xD I love everyone else. This book contains a fascinating plot, an intriguing world and it definitely makes you think. The whole damn book is just paradoxes. xD I'd recommend it, I think.
I can't say I've been writing much but I've been drawing and painting quite a lot. I'll def post some of my better pieces when I can.
I don't remember if I mentioned this buuuuut. I have a thing with sitcoms xD basically I
obsessively watch them until I finish every episode. So far I've finished: The Nanny, That 70's Show, Friends, and George Lopez. So now I'm working on How I Met Your Mother (which is slowly replacing Friends as my favorite) and Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
Oh, so I have a pretty great story to tell xD;; it's super embarrassing but it's really funny. It contains a sexual nature but I won't go into detail or anything omg.
Okay so last weekend, 2am, Jason and I were uh, having fun over the phone. And I was super into it. Well, just as I had finished, my mom just. Pops right in my room because she had apparently heard me from the kitchen. So I'm like "hi mom!" to warn Jason and he just chuckled. My mom asks me "you alright?" and I panic on the inside and I'm like "yep uh-huh~ I just hit my bad foot on my wall hahahaha" and she just stares at me until she leaves and I'm basically dead on the inside. xD Jason and I laughed about it for so long.
I was really freaked out at first, but she hasn't mentioned it or anything so? I just have to be more careful I guess .///.
Damn my whore noises.
Anyway, speaking of Jason. He's the sweetest ever. /)w( so a couple of days ago he ordered me a new phone charger for my phone because I broke mine. -w- I'm officially in my third iPhone charger ugh
But anyway so it delivered to my house today. But the box was too big to just hold a phone chargerrrr...
I opened the box and! Looking back at me was a Bambi Pop! Figurine! :D
For those of who don't know, Bambi is one of my favorite Disney characters. Bambi is my nickname among my family and whenever I do my fawn makeup hehe cx so I adore him.
But that's not all~~ I took a short nap after that until my mom woke me up with another package aaaand... a second Pop! Figurine awaited me. Starfire! My favorite Teen Titan!! x3
So yeah :D he really made my day and cheered me up a lot. <3
I think I'll try to sleep now ;-; but I hope everyone has a great day/night!
-The Insomniac Prince, Ky-Ky.
(btw I've been getting kinda bored of my name so hence the different signoffs. I also kind of? go by Ky-Ky now nwn)
Oh my goodness, how long has it been since I posted here?? Like a month? omg.
Well, first I'd like to say: Happy October! <3
While I've still been very stressed out, I'm in a better mental state that I have been in.
I'm still suffering with being sick. -w- it's possible that I may have an e-coli infection, but it's not certain. I've got to go back to a doctor soon. But my family is in a tight spot financially so I'm waiting until we can get back on our feet unless it gets too bad.
I don't really know what to talk about as far as life events, so I'll go over some things that have happened recent enough.
Well like a week or two ago, I went for a walk around my neighborhood. Just a pleasant little walk that turned into a trudge through hell. I tripped like 5000 times, got laughed at, catcalled and called a rude name. Then as I was on my way home, two feet away from my house, I stumbled and fell over my own feet and landed really hard on my knee and jaw. xD;
Which resulted in this very pretty bruise.
It's no longer visible, and while it really hurt, I loved it. I'm so fascinated with bruises honestly. And bandages.
I also had really bad swelling in my face and bruises everywhere but I'm pretty much healed up now. c:
I finally got my hair cut and dyed as well and am feeling way more confident because of it. ^~^ which you'll see in the next few posts :D
This weekend was the renfaire!!! It was so fun and my costumes were really successful. They still need a lot of improvement but considering my budget, I did really well. So proud of myself. :D
This was Saturday, I was a wolfboy! I wasn't at the faire very long that day because I was really nauseous. I had to go home within two hours. If you know me, I stay at renfaire all day-- 8 hours-- both days. So I was a little bummed but it was okay because Sunday was MAGICAL.
On Sunday, I was an elf prince, and I was accompanied by my time-traveling knight. <3 cx
Jason and I hadn't seen eachother in four months, so our reunion was little magical. We watched shows, bought necklaces together and kissed a lot.
he stuck with me despite my whining about being sick and he held me when I wasn't feeling well. But we had a lot of fun. Like. It's the highlight of my life as of late.
(Also! On Instagram, I tagged this photo with #gameofthrones because of the necklace and (the official) Peter Dinklage liked it!!! TYRION LIKED MY PHOTO. asdfhjkl!!)
^ These are the necklaces he bought for me. C: one of them is a little white/translucent leaf that looks all gem-like. The other is a part of a set of couple necklaces we bought together as a late anniversary gift. (we still haven't really celebrated because I'm sick -w-). I have the moon and he has a sun one. They're based off of Game of Thrones, so mine says "Moon of my Life" and his says "My Sun and Stars". x3 (I kinda feel like it's a collar-- I can't wear a real collar/choker because of my family but this is good. n///n wearing it makes me feel safe and claimed.)
The renfaire was just a lot of fun in general. A lot of furries were in awe of me on Saturday. xD and I got flirted with a lot. It was definitely worth all the trouble I went through.
Art/writing-wise, I'm starting a thing. My boyfriend and I are participating in these October-themed challenges everyday. So I'm doing either makeup, art or writing with each theme. :D
I'll upload what I have so far, as well as some other art I've done recently, soon. And post in my RP.
Considering the fact that I've just made two costumes for the renfaire, I'm taking a break with costuming. xD so this is the year I actually buy a costume for Halloween. I'll make it my own of course but I'm so relieved- no more costuming for a little while. All I have to do is find pieces of my Eddie costume for Rocky Horror and I'm set for October.
I've been having a lot of trouble with writing lately. I haven't written in at least a month. I have ideas-- I just can't start. D: I have several new story ideas going on right now. A war romance, a realistic fiction story and my boyfriend and I are writing about witches in honor of October.
I've been thinking about modeling lately. I think next year, I want to start a portfolio for myself. I'll have pictures of my costumes and OOTDs and my makeup and everything. My boyfriend said he wants to take pictures of me, and he's pretty good at it, so I'm looking forward to that.
My parents are nagging at me to get my state ID and get a job, so that's on my agenda as soon as I get over being sick.
Also, eating healthier. I'm doing really good at cutting out soda, actually!! I haven't had more than a can in total for a month. :3 and as soon as I see a doctor, I'll eat better and exercise at least a bit. I've actually lost 10 pounds since getting sick and cutting out soda. Down to 241 lbs now as far as I know.
I'm also working on taking better care of my nails and skin. I've been putting bandages on my "problem areas" where I tend to pick at or bite. The incentive to paint my nails black keeps me sane o; because I won't paint them until they're healed up. And I've been buying good lip balm and gum to chill out my oral fixation.
Also I've been really emotional these past few days. More so than usual. I wonder what that's about.
BUT YEAH. I think that's it! Sorry for the long boring novel of my life. xD I'll be here regularly now.
Also sorry for the TON of photos. I just feel they help chronicle things.
Have a lovely Friday, everyone. c:
-The Sleepy Prince