Weird, weird things have been happening to me lately.
I guess that I'll be learning to drive soon, as well as working to get a job. My grandma is either going to teach me how to drive, or pay for me to take a class. It's really up to me on which I prefer. Probably my grandma teaching me. It'll save money and a lot of anxiety.
Speaking of anxiety, it's killing me. Making me feel like everyone hates me. Making my depression worse. Lots of bad feelings. But I'm working them out.
I'm having a lot of dread about my birthday coming up. I'll be 19. Meaning that I've been lazing around for an entire year.
Not to mention that I have a fear of getting older.
My health is? Weird. I'm not having my stomach problems anymore, I don't think. And I've been pretty disciplined with my diet. But something else is happening. I have a pretty bad cough, but that's it as far as cold symptoms. My stomach has been heaving. Not like nauseous, but like I've been punched in the stomach. And I'm having frequent dizzy spells, like I'm going to faint. I'm almost always unbalanced when I walk. I keep mixing up words and pronounciations, and having lots of migraines and other body aching. And here's the weirdest thing: I've been having a STRONG craving to eat my laundry soap. ?????
I need to see a doctor soon, to get on birth control.
Which brings up another topic. So today, I got this weird intuitive feeling of being pregnant. I could not shake this feeling. I don't know why I thought of it. Maybe because lots of my friends are pregnant and having children lately. But I just? Couldn't stop thinking about it and panicking. I was so convinced.
But literally, there is no chance of me being pregnant. My boyfriend is physically unable to get me pregnant, I am physically unable to get pregnant, and I'm a virgin. There is no way in hell.
Jason finally got me to stop feeling that way, but then I got really sad. Like I wanted to be pregnant... But I don't! I really don't want children, not now, nor in the future. I guess maybe I'm jealous of all my friends, having families and getting their lives together. Maybe I just wanted the option of getting pregnant. Who knows. The dumb thing is that I would never keep a child if I were pregnant. I would certainly have an abortion. Maybe I'd put them up for adoption but that's if I could even go through labor.
I really would like to be a housespouse. Maybe I'm too excited about that role. Except I just want to clean and cook and be motherly, not a parent.
Sometimes I worry about being so feminine and taking the feminine roles in life. Sometimes I refer to myself as "they" or "she." I doubt my gender identity a lot. But I don't feel that I'm a girl. I guess I don't see "she" as womanly anymore. But I definitely am uncomfortable with other people calling me a girl/"she". I don't know. I just think I'm comfortable in my gender expression. I rarely bind my chest anymore. And I primarily look feminine these days. I know that I'm a boy. It's like I'm a boy, but also something else. Femboy fits really well, and so does androgynous boy. It's just something I'm insecure about but I think once I go shopping and stuff again, get more clothes, I'll feel better. I have conflicting emotions about physically transitioning. I know for sure that I want a double mastectomy. But being on testosterone is something I'm still pondering.
Oh, in other news, my cat Whisper gave birth. A day after my ferret Sunny passed away. He was old and lived a nice life, so I'm okay. But yeah, Whisper had kittens. She has three white ones, and one black one. We're thinking about keeping a white one. c:
I feel like I'm rambling, but my thoughts aren't really being properly conveyed through my words. I'll end this here.
Have a lovely weekend everyone. <3
Hi hi. c:
So I'm currently writing this from my bed, trying to get comfy. I am so miserably sick. I feel dead.
I have a really bad chest cold, followed by what feels like a fever. I'm also a tad sunburnt, and on my period. Having the worst abdomen cramps ever. I'm just generally sore all over.
But I had a really fun weekend. It was renfaire weekend :D and I had Jason staying overnight with me.
The renfaire was a blast. We only went for one day, but I feel fulfilled lol. I dressed as a pirate, and we wandered around the faire, watching shows and looking at all the merchant items. We were really looking for lavender scented things, since it's known to help anxiety and headaches and such.
We watched a girl hooping, she was really cute. She taught little kids some tricks and I got her business card since she offers classes. I thought it may be something to look into. I also want to attend some bellydancing classes. The only problem is that I don't want to go to these things alone. >< argh.
We also watched the fire juggler/contortionist o: I watch his show every year, he's amazing.
I feel like my pirate outfit was decent considering I pulled it together very last minute. My leggings are black velvet, and the belt around my waist and my headband are strips I cut off an old torn velvet dress. :3
I plan to upgrade it. Next faire, I have plans to be a fawn boy and a moonlight elf. We'll see how that goes.
While at the faire, Jason finally got to have a real conversation with my dad and brother. We all were just hanging out, laughing. It was a nice time. I'm so glad my family likes my boyfriend.
Jason and I bought stuff. He got an art book and a little dragon figurine. I got a really adorable candle, some gemstones, a little bottle of rose quartz, some lavender spritz and a bath bomb. Jason also bought me a cute little candle holder.
I'm hoping to try crystal healing. It may help me feel better, mentally, if I get more in touch with my spirituality.
Jason and I went home and got some pizza and watched 22 Jump Street. Then made out. A lot. And stayed up until 3am. We planned to go to the renfaire the next day, but I wasn't feeling very well. So we just stayed home and cuddled and made out some more and watched stuff. It was really great.
I had been having such a low sex drive lately. It was really strange, considering I'm usually always up for it. I think it probably has something to do with my depression. But then Jason came over and it just took me over. I felt a craving for him the whole time. Luckily, he was feeling it too. He was so dominant, pinning my arms down and kissing me all over, leaving me hickies... Ah. It was so... so satisfying. I feel like he awakened a hunger in me. It's crazy. I'm feeling incredibly submissive.
Anyway, it was kind of stormy all weekend which was nice. Jason and I went out for a walk on Sunday but then it started raining heavily and hailing xD so we powerwalked back home. He let me borrow his hoodie. x3 It was a very sleepy, rainy, calm Sunday. Which was very lovely.
He went home, and I've been feeling very low since then. It's like I'm having withdrawal. I just miss him so much already. There's like an aching in my being, as overdramatic as that sounds. I got so used to him being here and now I just feel so lonely.
As I said, I'm really sick and I've spent the day sleeping on and off and wishing my boyfriend could hold me. He always makes me feel better when I'm sick. I've been pathetic all day and probably will continue that.
I feel really whiny. I'm pretty whiny when I'm not sick, but when I am, I'm just downright pathetic.
I've been wanting to read, so a trip to the library may be in order soon. And hopefully that will keep me busy until I'm feeling better, so I can get working out again and start on my friend Wendy's commission.
Anyway, I'll end this here before I get too sappy. I hope everyone has a great week. c:
- The Bed-Ridden Prince
(that sounds like RuPaul in my head lol)
I suppose I can say that I'm doing better. At least a little bit. I've still been having breakdowns and panic attacks and I'm still self-harming but these times are less frequent lately.
I'm still having health problems, and I have yet to do the labwork my doctor wants. I will do it... It's just not a very pleasant thing. -w-;
However, I got the results from my bloodwork a while back. I don't have celiac disease (extreme sensitivity to gluten), so that's good. My doctor did prescribe me more diabetic medication. At least it's not more of the same. xwx Metformin (the one i've been taking) makes me sick but if I take it before bed I'm usually okay. The new one, I take when I eat after I wake up. It's a smaller pill and so far I'm not having side effects. Yay!
She also said that I shouldn't take sleepaid anymore, and no more pain pills. D: So that's been hard because of insomnia and migraines. But I'm managing. I've been finding home remedies and such. And I just kind of stay up until 6am now lol. But I guess it's not really problem for now, since I don't have any obligations.
But hey. I've been eating A LOT healthier since figuring out my diabetes. And today I worked out for an hour. :D I'm going to make it a daily thing. I also have been keeping hydrated, and now I've replaced soda and juice with tea and lemon water. I already feel a lot cleaner, which makes me happy.
I dunno if I ever really mentioned this before but I'm very sensitive about feeling clean. I get extremely upset if I miss a shower or anything.
That being said, I'm also cleaning like crazy as of late. Now if I could become a better cook, I'd be a lovely little housespouse lol.
I got to see my boyfriend a few days ago. nwn he got a new tattoo and was in my city. I met some of his friends and we went shopping and out to eat. Actually I didn't eat anything, nor buy anything lol. But my boyfriend bought me some knee-high socks and a little Beemo plush x3
I've been working on bettering my personality and mannerisms. Learning how to stop cursing so much and be more. Classy? I'm working on being more sophisticated I guess.
My friend Wendy commissioned me a watercolor painting :3 I'm waiting for my supplies to arrive (my boyfriend ordered them for me). So I should be getting $40 on Friday if I finish it by then.
Right in time for the renfaire this weekend. I basically have my costumes, it's just a matter of choosing which ones to wear. :3 Pretty excited for that.
I dunno what else to say, so I'll end this here.
Have a lovely week, everyone.
(oh yeah i also fiddled with my hair color more. i went through several shades of blond until i arrived at this one :3 i like it.)
It's been an emotional, scary world for me lately.
I think I've been in denial of being suicidal again, but I definitely am. Fear not, I will more than likely be too scared to try anything crazy. I have support, and I'm constantly around people these days.
I have been having panic attacks almost daily. My anxiety has reached a new milestone. I'm almost always stressing over my health or not having a job. I feel guilty for mooching off my family. My family has been pushing me close to the edge as well. I feel like a burden to everyone. I feel worthless.
The smallest mention of my terrible health triggers me. I have a lot of fear of dying young. And having surgery.
I've been self-harming. I beat the hell out of myself when I'm panicking...
And I haven't slept much.
On Tuesday, I went to a doctor's appointment in the hopes she would prescribe me more medication. Instead, I got more blood taken from me (my hand this time, how lovely.) And another lab test I have to do at home. I won't go into detail about that because it's just beyond disgusting and embarassing.
My doctor actually did prescribe me more medication, but... my medical insurance expired after February. So now my medication costs $170. If you know anything about my family, you know that we struggle with money constantly. Especially now that my mom is getting her hours cut at work. Needless to say, I can't afford my medication. So I'm stuck being constantly, miserably, painfully sick until my doctor prescribes something different, or I get insurance, or whatever. Not sure how that's going. My mom is in charge of financial business.
Last night, my mom and I got into a huge argument. Basically, my grandparents won't take care of my little half-brother, Austin, anymore. So now my mom is responsible for taking care of him when he's not in school. So he's home a lot more often now, and he and I do not get along. At all. He is very obnoxious and rude, and very annoying.
My mom and I got into an argument, ending with her saying that if I didn't like being around him, I needed to leave. She screamed at me and I felt threatened. My mom has physically abused me in the past. So I left. I took a walk around my area, all the while having a panic attack and talking to Jason on the phone, trying to figure out where to go.
Eventually, I got the courage to call my dad. I was afraid he would side with my mom but he was understanding.
So I spent the night at my dad's place, and was able to get a break.
My mom and I "made up", so I'm home now. She still is invalidating my stressed feelings. But we are civil now, at least, so I'm relieved.
I don't know what to do about my mental condition. I'm getting so bad. But I'm too anxious to go to therapy, and there's no way we could afford it anyway. And I know they would want me on medication. Which I don't want, at all. All of my previous therapists have made me feel worse about myself to the point where I can't even talk to a therapist.
I guess it's sort of a selective mutism thing.
And I feel that I have an eating disorder.... again. I don't know. Not a full-fledged one, but I feel guilty for being fat. Yet I hate exercise and am in the worst shape. I just can't find fun in it nor motivation to exercise.
I didn't really mean for this to be such a sad, vent-y post, sorry.
On the brightside, Jason may be able to come over this weekend.
And I finally went blond. I don't know what I'm going to do with it next. I want it to be white, but I got to ask my mom.
And renfaire is coming up quickly. I have my stuff mostly together. Just need to get tickets.
Well anyway, this is getting rambly so I'll end here. Have a lovely Spring everyone.
-Feeling very un-princely, Kai.
I guess I should probably first state that I feel a lot better than I did from my last post. ;^;
I'm still kind of struggling with depression, and body image stuff. My body has been ripping me to shreds lately, whether it be insecurity or pain.
I've been upset about my weight, I just feel so.... fat. And there's nothing wrong with being fat in my book, I think if you're confident in your body, you should own it! But my thighs are covered in cellulite and my arms are flabby and my stomach is huge and bloated. I guess I wouldn't mind being bigger if I were chubby-cute >< I've been trying to drive myself away from relapsing into my eating disorder, but it's so hard.
Also I've been on my period for like.... two weeks now?? Ugh. It's been the worst. As soon as I can, I'm getting on birth control but right now we have no health insurance again. x.x
I'm slowly starting to feel excitement for things again. I want to blame my depression on my period, but I know that hormones don't cause such extreme mood swings.
Oh, I finally decided on a new name for myself a little while ago, and I love it.
Lukaiel Leigh Vaughn Valentine.
(pronounced loo-ky-ehl) But I still want to go by Kai or Ky-Ky, but I also like Lulu. c: I think it's rather androgynous sounding, and I created it :D
Not much else is happening lately. Getting ready for the renfaire next month, and just enjoying my boyfriend and brother being on spring break.
I've been thinking about cosmetology school lately. I hate to admit it, but maybe I should do it. People have always said I should go, but I always denied it. But they're right-- I never tire of doing hair and makeup and stuff. And I think some cosmetology schools even teach aroma and massage therapy. So I'm thinking of looking into it.... really nervous though.
If I don't get into schooling, I definitely need a job. I'm tired of being a waste of space.
Oh, I'm currently working my hair on a journey to obtain platinum color. I'm a ginger right now, but I'll be bleaching it again on Tuesday. I'm working on my appearance again. I'm going to start wearing what I want to wear!~ Cute dresses and stockings and shorts and stuff. x3
I've been reading Game of Thrones lately. I'm halfway through the first book. In the TV series, Tyrion is definitely my favorite but I think Dany's my favorite in the book.
I'm also currently obsessing over Steven Universe. Oh my goodness. These last few episodes have been so amazing. I think it's climbing it's way to being a top favoritie cartoon of mine, because just. Wow. Like all the characters are so diverse and real and interesting. And none of the episodes feel "unnecessary", they all feel important to the plot or characters. The emotions the characters display, and the symbolism draws me in so much. I'm not really into like, aliens, but I love this show. omg.
I think Jason will finally be coming over soon, which will be so nice. He's been so patient and supportive, I know I ramble about how lovely he is a lot, but it's still new to me, having a support system.
I still haven't been able to write. I'm feeling insecure about that, but maybe it'll change if I try new stuff.
Anyway, I'm currently trying to decide whether to stay up all night, or go to bed. Its like 4am, oops. And I have my step dad's family visiting here and they like to wake up early @.@
So I'll probably post some art tomorrow. Hope everyone is having a nice week/end.