This is not going to be a happy post. You have been warned. I need to vent and rant and it makes me feel better, knowing that my thoughts are out there so.
I hate myself. I hate myself so much. With a passion. I hate everything about myself. I hate my appearance. I hate my personality. I hate how I act in front of people.
I can't be happy. I just can't. I've tried so many times. I keep trying. But I'm just not allowed to be happy. I can try and try but it doesn't matter. No matter how happy I am, it never lasts for more than a day or two. It only lasts until I'm alone with myself.
And you know what? I don't deserve to be happy anyway. I'm the worst person. I'm the worst son/daughter, the worst friend, the worst boyfriend. I'm just a lowlife moron. I'm rude and mean and I take out my anger and sadness on everyone else. I'm vulgar and disgusting and insecure.
I know everyone tells me "oh I love you Kyle you're none of those things" and I believe that YOU think that. But I don't. I don't deserve such kind words. I don't.
I am worth absolutely nothing. I only bring trouble to those I care for. I feel terrible for it and I try so hard to just be okay.
I'm not okay anymore. I'm not saying I'm suicidal or in immediate danger... But there definitely is no way that I'm okay right now.
I need a break from life.
Not much is happening here. Just in pain from my iron deficiency. But it's alright, I got some supplement pills so hopefully I won't be taken over by bruises for too much longer.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that I'm open for art trades/requests of almost any kind. If anyone is interested, let me know. :3
have a couple of selfies. o.e
Roller coaster lifeeeee.
Literally. I'm so up and down, feeling FANTASTIC one moment, and stressing the hell out the next. It really sucks.
Right now, I'm sick. Again. I was fine for the weekend (for the most part) but now I can't stop coughing and it's made me so weak and sore. It hurts to move at all. I stayed up until like 4am, coughing up a lung, and I woke up for school like twenty minutes late so I just said fuck it. -w-
I had a pretty terrible day yesterday. I went to school, even with as sick as I am. I got made fun of for COUGHING. -.- like are you kidding me? This guy was like "you're gonna get us all sick. why are you even here. if you're that sick you need to go home you dumb fuck." really??
the rest of the day just sucked because I felt horrible.
Then I got home and my clothes are disappearing. v.v not even kidding. I'm missing half of my wardrobe. My mom and I searched the entire house like five times. My clothes are just... gone. v~v And it really upset me and just set me off yesterday. I literally just cried on my bed for two hours.
But life is good in some aspects. I finally got to see my boyfriend last weekend. >//w//< it was really fun~ we went to see Frozen (I loved it a LOT.) then we went back home and watched both the insidious movies. ;-; I love them but I didn't handle the 2nd one very well xD I wanna watch it again now that I know what's coming and really absorb the movie. For the most part, we just watched stuff. :3 which is nice. It's what we do everytime I come over.
We, uhm, made out (for the first time) for like an hour. /)///( I've really got to learn how to breathe, though. >.< I had to keep pulling away for a breath. I get really focused on the kiss itself that I forget to breathe hahaha. .-.
But nevertheless, it was awesome. *///*
We talked about our little kinks and such and how we could try to get into one another's. :3 he told me that he enjoys boys with bruises/scratches/etc, and I told him like I definitely wouldn't mind being bruised/scratched/especially bitten. >.< it would be like little marks of ownership. Which I would absolutely adore.
And he is taking an interest in my heartbeat fetish. o///o we talked about owning a stethoscope and omg. It's funny how I was so afraid of him being weird about it, but he's actually very accepting and even embracing of it.
But anyway, yeah. :3 I had a great weekend.
Now if I can just survive this illness and finally get back into school mode, my life would be perfect. >.<
-Kyuuuu. (That's what my adorable little Chinese friend Li calls me. so cute!)
So hey you guys.
I have not had the best of weeks. As a matter of fact, it was awful.
I have new classes and they are awful. Business management, US History 1 (I failed a semester of it as a sophomore) and I'm an office assistant.
US history is the worst class. The teacher is really cool. He's funny and he's into heavy metal and he's just a cool guy. But the class is for sophomores. And I'm an senior. -.- they made me cry on the first day back. But the next time I was okay so. Let's hope it stays bearable.
Business management is like, whatever. The people are nice though and so is the teacher. So I'm glad for that. I'm just irked that I have to take the class. Because it's not something that's required but I needed a filler class. It was either that, or choir and weights. LOLNOPE.
Office assistant is kind of nice. Though it's a little stressful for someone like me. Anxiety is certainly not a factor that helps in situations such as delivering stuff and showing new students around. But it's not terrible.
About the only thing school-related that's gone well is my art classes. Theatre is the best. Lately we've been doing stage combat and it's a lot of fun. Carli (my "girlfriend" lol) and I are always partners, so we have to do a skit where we get into a fight. It's going to be great.
I was looking forward to the weekend for a long time because I was supposed to go see Jason but... we both got sick. >.< this is the 2nd time we've had to cancel. :c but hopefully next weekend works out.
We had sort of a bad conversation about it actually. Because he was the one who canceled and it was the only thing that I was looking forward to after my terrible week and I got really upset and made him feel bad. But then I felt bad for that, because getting sick isn't his fault. So we apologized to one another and everything is okay.
That's one thing I love about us. We can always fix the things we mess up. We are best friends as well as a couple so we are able to talk to eachother about our issues with it getting awkward. It's great.
Yeh, I've been not so well lately. I've had a lot of head issues this week. I was getting constant migraines with everything I did and I could never think straight. I was using words in the wrong context and spelling things really wrong and just wow. My balance was off as well as feeling always exhausted and sore. It sucked. Now I just have a cold or something. Still sore as hell and getting migraines but I'm feeling a lot better than I did.
Today all I did was binge-watch the entire first season of Game of Thrones. It was finally on TV so how could I resist. I finally got to watch more than the first four episodes lol. I need more. >w<
I don't actually hate any characters. Not even Joffery. o_o he's such a little snob lol. My favorite characters are Daenryis (however you spell it), her lover, Tyrion and Robb. :3
I've been obsessively listening to Fall Out Boy and the soundtracks to Moulin Rouge lately. c: they're great.
I've also been planning a story with Jason. It's a romantic fantasy/adventure story. :D I'll post it when I get stuff done.
Oh, I also finally cut and colored my hair. Not exactly how I thought it would turn out, but I still really enjoy it. c: it was supposed to be a lot shorter and pale blonde but meh I'm a ginger lol.
Rocking that Game of Thrones shirt. c'x
Anyway yeah, sorry this post isn't so eventful. I have a migraine and yeah. x.x but I'll still be here to talk so.
Can I just express something? Something wonderful?
Jason/Kyle is the sweetest boy I have ever had the privilege of meeting. Even more so lucky that I'm dating him.
He accepts every part of me, and even embraces these parts. He loves my weirdness and my nerdy-ness. He loves my body and my face. He loves all the things that I'm insecure about. He loves my strange little kinks and fetishes.
He makes my days brighter. He tells me that I'm beautiful. He's always there for me for when I'm sad and he listens to my rants and raves.
He doesn't make me feel belittled or neglected. He understands that I have major issues and has never once made me feel bad for them.
With the end of a great 2013, I'm very happy to start another delightful year with him. And I hope that each and everyone of you can feel the way I do someday. I hope you can find someone wonderful who makes you feel special. Someone who knows and values you like the treasure you are.
-the very mushy, lovey-dovey Kyle <33