(that sounds like RuPaul in my head lol)
I suppose I can say that I'm doing better. At least a little bit. I've still been having breakdowns and panic attacks and I'm still self-harming but these times are less frequent lately.
I'm still having health problems, and I have yet to do the labwork my doctor wants. I will do it... It's just not a very pleasant thing. -w-;
However, I got the results from my bloodwork a while back. I don't have celiac disease (extreme sensitivity to gluten), so that's good. My doctor did prescribe me more diabetic medication. At least it's not more of the same. xwx Metformin (the one i've been taking) makes me sick but if I take it before bed I'm usually okay. The new one, I take when I eat after I wake up. It's a smaller pill and so far I'm not having side effects. Yay!
She also said that I shouldn't take sleepaid anymore, and no more pain pills. D: So that's been hard because of insomnia and migraines. But I'm managing. I've been finding home remedies and such. And I just kind of stay up until 6am now lol. But I guess it's not really problem for now, since I don't have any obligations.
But hey. I've been eating A LOT healthier since figuring out my diabetes. And today I worked out for an hour. :D I'm going to make it a daily thing. I also have been keeping hydrated, and now I've replaced soda and juice with tea and lemon water. I already feel a lot cleaner, which makes me happy.
I dunno if I ever really mentioned this before but I'm very sensitive about feeling clean. I get extremely upset if I miss a shower or anything.
That being said, I'm also cleaning like crazy as of late. Now if I could become a better cook, I'd be a lovely little housespouse lol.
I got to see my boyfriend a few days ago. nwn he got a new tattoo and was in my city. I met some of his friends and we went shopping and out to eat. Actually I didn't eat anything, nor buy anything lol. But my boyfriend bought me some knee-high socks and a little Beemo plush x3
I've been working on bettering my personality and mannerisms. Learning how to stop cursing so much and be more. Classy? I'm working on being more sophisticated I guess.
My friend Wendy commissioned me a watercolor painting :3 I'm waiting for my supplies to arrive (my boyfriend ordered them for me). So I should be getting $40 on Friday if I finish it by then.
Right in time for the renfaire this weekend. I basically have my costumes, it's just a matter of choosing which ones to wear. :3 Pretty excited for that.
I dunno what else to say, so I'll end this here.
Have a lovely week, everyone.
(oh yeah i also fiddled with my hair color more. i went through several shades of blond until i arrived at this one :3 i like it.)
It's been an emotional, scary world for me lately.
I think I've been in denial of being suicidal again, but I definitely am. Fear not, I will more than likely be too scared to try anything crazy. I have support, and I'm constantly around people these days.
I have been having panic attacks almost daily. My anxiety has reached a new milestone. I'm almost always stressing over my health or not having a job. I feel guilty for mooching off my family. My family has been pushing me close to the edge as well. I feel like a burden to everyone. I feel worthless.
The smallest mention of my terrible health triggers me. I have a lot of fear of dying young. And having surgery.
I've been self-harming. I beat the hell out of myself when I'm panicking...
And I haven't slept much.
On Tuesday, I went to a doctor's appointment in the hopes she would prescribe me more medication. Instead, I got more blood taken from me (my hand this time, how lovely.) And another lab test I have to do at home. I won't go into detail about that because it's just beyond disgusting and embarassing.
My doctor actually did prescribe me more medication, but... my medical insurance expired after February. So now my medication costs $170. If you know anything about my family, you know that we struggle with money constantly. Especially now that my mom is getting her hours cut at work. Needless to say, I can't afford my medication. So I'm stuck being constantly, miserably, painfully sick until my doctor prescribes something different, or I get insurance, or whatever. Not sure how that's going. My mom is in charge of financial business.
Last night, my mom and I got into a huge argument. Basically, my grandparents won't take care of my little half-brother, Austin, anymore. So now my mom is responsible for taking care of him when he's not in school. So he's home a lot more often now, and he and I do not get along. At all. He is very obnoxious and rude, and very annoying.
My mom and I got into an argument, ending with her saying that if I didn't like being around him, I needed to leave. She screamed at me and I felt threatened. My mom has physically abused me in the past. So I left. I took a walk around my area, all the while having a panic attack and talking to Jason on the phone, trying to figure out where to go.
Eventually, I got the courage to call my dad. I was afraid he would side with my mom but he was understanding.
So I spent the night at my dad's place, and was able to get a break.
My mom and I "made up", so I'm home now. She still is invalidating my stressed feelings. But we are civil now, at least, so I'm relieved.
I don't know what to do about my mental condition. I'm getting so bad. But I'm too anxious to go to therapy, and there's no way we could afford it anyway. And I know they would want me on medication. Which I don't want, at all. All of my previous therapists have made me feel worse about myself to the point where I can't even talk to a therapist.
I guess it's sort of a selective mutism thing.
And I feel that I have an eating disorder.... again. I don't know. Not a full-fledged one, but I feel guilty for being fat. Yet I hate exercise and am in the worst shape. I just can't find fun in it nor motivation to exercise.
I didn't really mean for this to be such a sad, vent-y post, sorry.
On the brightside, Jason may be able to come over this weekend.
And I finally went blond. I don't know what I'm going to do with it next. I want it to be white, but I got to ask my mom.
And renfaire is coming up quickly. I have my stuff mostly together. Just need to get tickets.
Well anyway, this is getting rambly so I'll end here. Have a lovely Spring everyone.
-Feeling very un-princely, Kai.
I guess I should probably first state that I feel a lot better than I did from my last post. ;^;
I'm still kind of struggling with depression, and body image stuff. My body has been ripping me to shreds lately, whether it be insecurity or pain.
I've been upset about my weight, I just feel so.... fat. And there's nothing wrong with being fat in my book, I think if you're confident in your body, you should own it! But my thighs are covered in cellulite and my arms are flabby and my stomach is huge and bloated. I guess I wouldn't mind being bigger if I were chubby-cute >< I've been trying to drive myself away from relapsing into my eating disorder, but it's so hard.
Also I've been on my period for like.... two weeks now?? Ugh. It's been the worst. As soon as I can, I'm getting on birth control but right now we have no health insurance again. x.x
I'm slowly starting to feel excitement for things again. I want to blame my depression on my period, but I know that hormones don't cause such extreme mood swings.
Oh, I finally decided on a new name for myself a little while ago, and I love it.
Lukaiel Leigh Vaughn Valentine.
(pronounced loo-ky-ehl) But I still want to go by Kai or Ky-Ky, but I also like Lulu. c: I think it's rather androgynous sounding, and I created it :D
Not much else is happening lately. Getting ready for the renfaire next month, and just enjoying my boyfriend and brother being on spring break.
I've been thinking about cosmetology school lately. I hate to admit it, but maybe I should do it. People have always said I should go, but I always denied it. But they're right-- I never tire of doing hair and makeup and stuff. And I think some cosmetology schools even teach aroma and massage therapy. So I'm thinking of looking into it.... really nervous though.
If I don't get into schooling, I definitely need a job. I'm tired of being a waste of space.
Oh, I'm currently working my hair on a journey to obtain platinum color. I'm a ginger right now, but I'll be bleaching it again on Tuesday. I'm working on my appearance again. I'm going to start wearing what I want to wear!~ Cute dresses and stockings and shorts and stuff. x3
I've been reading Game of Thrones lately. I'm halfway through the first book. In the TV series, Tyrion is definitely my favorite but I think Dany's my favorite in the book.
I'm also currently obsessing over Steven Universe. Oh my goodness. These last few episodes have been so amazing. I think it's climbing it's way to being a top favoritie cartoon of mine, because just. Wow. Like all the characters are so diverse and real and interesting. And none of the episodes feel "unnecessary", they all feel important to the plot or characters. The emotions the characters display, and the symbolism draws me in so much. I'm not really into like, aliens, but I love this show. omg.
I think Jason will finally be coming over soon, which will be so nice. He's been so patient and supportive, I know I ramble about how lovely he is a lot, but it's still new to me, having a support system.
I still haven't been able to write. I'm feeling insecure about that, but maybe it'll change if I try new stuff.
Anyway, I'm currently trying to decide whether to stay up all night, or go to bed. Its like 4am, oops. And I have my step dad's family visiting here and they like to wake up early @.@
So I'll probably post some art tomorrow. Hope everyone is having a nice week/end.
I feel like giving up on everything.
I don't understand what happened to me. I was over-the-moon happy. I was so excited to not be sick and being able to see my boyfriend and friends more often, and I wanted to go out everywhere and be carefree.
But recently I have felt so empty. I don't get excited over anything. I'm just kind of... here.
My only other emotion is hopelessness. All I do now is breaking down and crying my eyes out and arguing with Jason.
We argue over my self-hatred and how I feel I'm ruining his life. He swears I'm not. But I feel he's going to slip away from me and into the arms of someone better. Constantly arguing with him about this probably doesn't make him want to stay. I make him feel bad because he can't help me much.
I hate this. I just want him to be happy. I don't deserve him.
But my relationship isn't to blame for this. I wish I knew the cause of this but I just don't.
And my body disgusts me to no end. I just don't want to be fat anymore. I don't want to be ugly anymore.
All I've wanted to do lately is lay in bed and cry and fucking cut and binge-eat and purge. I just want to die, honestly. I haven't felt this way in so long.
And I feel guilty for feeling this way. I should be happy, I should have gotten over my depression long ago. I should be better. I'm not allowed to be this sad.
I'm supposed to be upbeat and happy. I have everything I want. Why am I so selfish.
I need help, but I have a terrible fear of therapists... They're too intimidating and they make me feel like a freak. They make me feel like everyone gave up on me. Probably because of previous sessions and because of my family threatening to send me to mental hospitals and because of Ashley telling me she would leave me if I didn't see a therapist because she didn't want to deal with me anymore.
I don't want medication, I don't want therapy. But if I don't get these things, everyone will leave me just like Ashley did. I don't even know if I blame her anymore, honestly.
I'm so sorry.
I keep losing motivation to write an update here >< I swear it will be a regular thing one day.
Everything is actually going pretty well for me lately. I haven't been getting sick! And I've been socializing with my friends more c:
My boyfriend came over and spent the night with me on Valentine's Day. x3
We watched Corpse Bride and gave eachother gifts and walked around the mall. It was really awesome to be near him again, and he can now come over to my house more regularly.
So when my parents went to bed, we had a pretty great makeout session >///< We turned off the lights in my room, and turned on some electronic candles and the scentsy thing he gave me. (which has a scent that smells like him. omg) it was a really romantic atmosphere.
He took off my clothes, leaving me in just panties, which is a first for us /)////( I took off his pants so that was fun. I fumbled a lot but I did it x'D
Anyway, long story short, we grinded, found out that nipple stuff drives me insane in a good way, had him pin me down to my bed by my forearms above my head and cover me in hickies, and we both indulged eachother in some fetish stuff, he tried giving me oral too. o////o
We both really embraced our roles as me being submissive and him being dominant. Like we were both more confident in acting out what we like. It was just. Damn.
But yeah o; He's probably going to come over again next weekend. We're going to chill and do some art and just relax. I can't wait. <3
Like I said earlier, I've been talking to my two best friends again. Carli and Tah-Tah.
Carli is a senior at my old school now, so she's working on senior project. She's writing and putting on a one-act play, called Dinner Party. So I'm basically her mentor in this, and I'm the co-director for the play. It's going well so far I think. I meet up with her at least once a week to work on it with her.
Tah-Tah and I text a decent amount now. She's in college, working on getting in shape. She's been having some issues with an eating disorder. But I'm trying tp help her through it, having been through it myself before.
I went to spend some time with my dad's family this weekend.
It kinda went to hell after a while though. Because my dad went out drinking with Tina and some things went down because of my dad's abusive friend with benefits. Then my dad went missing for five hours after midnight, and no one had an idea where he went. We were terrified because it was snowing out and he was drunk and in bad mental and physical condition. But we found him, he fell asleep in a theatre and his phone had died. Everything is okay now, thankfully.
I also had a rough night last night over stupid stuff but I'm alright now. Though I somehow hurt my shoulder really bad. It hurts to move x.x
I've been drawing a lot lately though c: I want to write but.... ugh, I just never do.
Also, I've been working on choosing another name for myself to go by. I do love my current name, Kyle Pierce, but my ex best friend chose the name for me like four years ago and I just want something that's entirely my own. I'm thinking of something androgynous or a feminine boy name. I may or may not keep it a 'K' name, I dunno. But I'm still looking for names so I've yet to decide.
Anyway, I'm going to submit some art in a moment o:
Hope everyone is having a nice week <3
-The Weak But Content Prince.