Once upon a time, there was a femme transboy named Kyle. He was very insecure, artistic, imaginative and lived in a very un-magical place called Kansas. Someone he once trusted, an evil, ugly witch cast a spell and manipulated the boy into having a romance with razor blades, fire, and self-destruction, and made him hate every inch of himself.
But this all changed when he met his knight in shining armor, Jason. Jason broke the spell with an enchantment called "love". Jason made Kyle's grey world flush with color. Along with friends of every kind, Jason brought Kyle to a vision of self-love and acceptance for everyone, no matter how different. Kyle became a prince.
But the prince is in distress-- his temptation to destroy himself, his doubts, his inner demons. But he, with the hope of loved ones, battles these off even when it appears he is losing the war. He will always find himself victorious with the wonderful people he grew to love on his side.
The prince finds joy in writing, drawing, acting, costuming, designing fashion, listening to music, making odd crafts and jewelry, and reading/watching things. Sometimes he finds himself among faeries, who he believes and finds his faith and ability to cast magic in. Other times, he appears as a fallen angel, a tragic hero. But most times, he's just a submissive and clumsy cat boy who wishes for affection and cuddles. His anxiety disorder cripples him, takes him away from his desire to be around people, and though he values his alone time, he craves company.
Though his life is not spent in a castle, he continues on and loves life. This is his story of romance, acceptance, and finding the beauty in everything.
Gosh guys, I'm so sorry that I don't ever have much time to post anymore. School is taking so much out of me
x~x not to mention that for the past week I've been really sick. I've had a cold and a fever both off and on for a while. I missed school on friday because of it. o.e I was really miserable and yeah. I'm starting to get over it, though. Just have a bit of a sore throat left, along with being achy and weak and having frequent migraines :V
Anyway, if you're wondering (even though no one commented my last post), no. I didn't get a part in the musical. But I'm not too unhappy about it. In fact, I really don't care much. It's totally cool. Plus, the people who did get casted will do a wonderful job. I'm sure of it. I'll more than likely go see it when they preform.
School has been pretty okay. I'm doing well in all my classes so far. I have my basic designs done for my superhero projects in my art classes. Math applications is easyyyy. I have a test in financial literacy on Friday, but I'm certain that I got this. n.n in English we're writing descriptive papers. I'm writing about my gender expression. It may sound weird as a topic for a descriptive paper but I am confident that it sounds good. Aaaand in drama, we're reading a Greek play. It's fun haha.
And for once, there's no drama with my friends. Nick and I are close and we have so much fun together. He's one of my best friends. I adore having him around more often.
And Lyn and I have been pretty great too! It feels so great to have best friends.
Ugh, my ex bestfriend Ashley is being such a cunt, though. I hate her so much. She's been giving me dirty looks and hateful remarks and if I were a girl, I'd slap the hell out of her. And that's saying a lot considering I'm a pacifist. :U
Because I was sick, I haven't been able to get to Kyle's. :c which is making me really bummed. Because we haven't seen eachother in over a month and everyday that goes by, I miss him a little more. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, yes, but it's torturous. </3 and I'm in this mood that I always get when I'm craving to see him. It can be describe as incomplete, I guess. I just feel like... empty and I just can't wait to go see him. Hopefully this weekend.
My urges to self-harm have grown stronger. My confidence in myself is pretty low right now. Lower than usual. I mean, I'm happy with where I'm at for the most part. It's just... myself. I don't like myself. At all. And it's like I look at my wrists and thighs and all I want to do is rip them open with blades. I've been strong so far. I haven't cut since last month. I'm trying to keep my cool and just chill but I have so much pent-up frustration and anger and sadness and self-loathing. And I have this energy where I just wanna get up, play really loud music and rip things apart.
So I've decided to make some crafts when I get the chance to buy supplies. One is a wreck-it-journal, which I'm gonna make my own by just buying a normal composition book and doing whatever I want to it.
I'm also going to make these things called Calm Jars. Basically, you fill a jar with water, color the water with paint or food coloring, and dump glitter in it, then put a lid on it. So that when you get angry or sad or upset, you can just shake the jar and watch the glitter float down, to calm yourself down. I'm going to make Lyn one. She's not self-destructive, but she does need an outlet and her birthday is coming up. And of course, I'll make one for Nick and maybe Kyle. Nick could use it well and Kyle does get angry easily so I think it would do them all good.
Then there's also another jar project I want to do. This one is where, every time you want to cut or hate yourself, you make a tiny origami star out of colored paper and put it in the jar. And you just fill up the jar and decorate as you please. I'm going make that for myself because it's a long-term project, but mostly because it will remind me of all the progress I've made in recovering from my self-harming.
Plus I'm going to just craft some stuff together and it'll help keep me busy. Aaaaand I'm going to get some stuff I can just destroy. It'll be a lot more fun than just destroying myself.
I'm working on getting some money together. One, to buy supplies for the crafts and stuff; two, so I can get myself a haircut and dye. I'm going to be dying my hair burgundy soon, and cutting it asymmetrically, then maybe putting a teal or blue streak in it. I've been growing it out but I have way too thick hair for that. But I am going to let my bangs grow with the asymmetric cut after I trim them up. When you see it, it'll make sense lol. Aaaaand three, I need money for the renfaire coming up. It's in about 20 days. x.x I need to buy faerie wings.
My grandma may pay for my actual hair cut and give me some money for the faire. Maybe. And my mom will more than likely but my wings. So I'm just trying to buy the dyes and get some extra for crafts and renfaire shopping.
Right now, I've got $9 LOL. But Sandra, the woman I babysit for is supposed to FINALLY pay me soon. I've been waiting since before school started -.- dont know how much she's gonna pay me though. Hopefully a decent amount. And then a guy at my school commissioned me to paint a giant sunflower for $10. And I'm also selling bracelets and a octopus doll I made out of a hat. So we'll see where that goes. So far, not so well, but maybe it'll get better.
Well anyway, I'm off to go shower. I'm sorry for this mindless ramble about things people don't care about hahaha. cx I'll post some art to make up for it when I get the chance.
So I'm home from auditioning for Little Shop of Horrors. I had fun though I was a nervous wreck. o.x
So basically, we were given a random scene and random characters to preform as on the spot, for our actual audition. I was both the dentist, and Seymore. LOL
It was funny, because I was the first person to be up there with this girl I didn't know. And all these other people were watching. And my role was that of Orin, the dentist. Well, I got up there and our scene was where Orin was yelling at Audrey.
So I get up there and I have to act as this sadistic asshole (who I adore tho lol) and people who were watching were so shocked to see me preform. According to one girl, I looked too innocent to behave in such a way. No one expected me to pull it off, but I did. It was awesome!
Then I had to play Seymore, and the girl up there with me was the plant. And she scared me so well. I wasn't even pretending to be frightened at that point. Daaaamn.
Thursday is when the callbacks will be posted. I'm so anxious to see what happens!!
Feeling pretty damn good about life right now. My grades are going well, my friends are fantastic, and the love of my life is perfectly here with me. I'll hopefully be seeing him soon.
Anyway, just a short update considering I don't know what's going to be happening with the musical. If I get a role, I most likely won't be able to be online as much anymore. I've heard that musicals at my school are a HUGE commitment and rehearsals are crazy. I've also got the renfaire coming up. But I assure you, I'll be here when I can!
Wow, I feel like I haven't updated this in a while. I guess it has been about a week or so? I'm not sure. Anyway. Have I got quite a bit to talk about!
Alright, well last thursday was when I last updated, feeling stressed out and alone. School is really putting pressure on me. Because wow, I'm a high school senior. I'm still in disbelief that I made it this far.
I was feeling really confused and upset, Kyle was quite busy with his friends and my family was bothering me again. And I ended up having an anxiety attack. Everyone I called was busy and/or didn't answer.
So I did something stupid.
Yeah, I relapsed.
I used scissors and cut. On the inside of my forearm, but most of it and the worst of it was on my thighs.
10 months of being self-harm free, down the drain in one night.
After I did so, I called Kyle and left him a message telling him to call me asap. He called at about midnight and I told him what happened. He cheered me up and helped me realize that I can stay strong again. That the next day was a new day.
So I'm okay now. I still feel guilty about it but I'll be alright.
Then the following weekend, I went to go hang out with my friend Jessica. Well, actually she goes by Emily now but I'm so used to Jessica or Jecca/Jeccwa, that I now call her Emka. Which is totally cool 'cause it sounds like a Russian name or something hahaha. We just chilled at her house for a while and drew stuff, talking about the Teahouse comic. (omg I'm in love with it btw) then the next day we went clothes shopping for her. I helped her pick out clothes and we joked about me being Clinton from What Not To Wear lmao.
Then I had school for a full week this week. I actually really adore my classes so far. Except yesterday I got switched out of Culinary Arts to be in Financial Literacy. -m- I failed that class last year so I have to retake it. With the same bitch of a teacher. e.e
My government class is boring, but I have Nick, Destiny, and Gabi in there so it's manageable.
Then I have Math Applications, which is a LOT easier than I thought it would be. I'm certain I'll do well in that class.
Then there's Special Art Production (AP Art) and I have a few friends in there like my ex-girlfriend (? I don't think I ever told you guys about her. LOL it wasn't very serious. Basically, her and I acted like a couple, and so we tried actually dating, but it was an open-relationship because I had a crush on a guy at the time. I wasn't attracted to her though, so we never kissed or anything. Just held hands and cuddled and stuff. I broke up with her at the end of my sophomore year because we couldn't talk to eachother over the summer (or so I told her). She still has a major crush on me lol cx), her name is Twiggy. Or rather that's just what she goes by. For some reason I never learned.
Then I have psychology and my god I love that class. It's really interesting and our teacher does a lot of demonstrations. I have that class with Lyn and Gabi.
I have English with a LOT of my friends. Nick, Gabi, Destiny, Devon, and Jamie.
Aaaand then there's graphic design. I don't have any friends in there but it's okay because I can really focus on drawing in there, with my headphones in and whatnot.
And finally, Repertory Theater. It's one of my favorites. I have Nick, Carli, Dezi, and Summer there.
I have the same basic assignment for Art and Graphic Design x~x which is to create a superhero/villain for a gallery thing at a college. I've got the basic ideas down. The one for Art is a villain, she's based off the idea of a "little white lie". Then for Graphic Design I'm still thinking. I'm considering this character I made for a story last year. He's the genderbent version of my friend Cassidy. He's a comic book geek who thinks he's a superhero. He doesn't actually have any powers, but he likes to think he does. He wears a cape, a shirt with a 'C' on it like the Superman emblem thing, (it stand for Chris) and skinny jeans lolol. But I also like the idea of a stripper hero, LOL or a writer guy who uses ink and stuff. But I don't know :u
Also!! I'm auditioning for a role in the musical my school is putting on this year. We're doing Little Shop of Horrors. n___n
I figured I should do something different, considering it's my senior year. I just don't like auditioning for anything. But I'm gonna have to get used to it if I want to have a career or anything in theatre.
I originally wanted to go for the part of Seymore, or the Dentist-- Orin. But then I remembered that I cannot sing, and I especially cannot sing in front of people.
Carli and I told Nick he HAS to be the Dentist.
So I decided on the masochistic dude who gets off while he's getting a "long... slow... root canal"
It's gonna be hilarious if Nick and I get those parts.
Here's what my scene would be, if I got that role:
I'm really excited cx
Next weekend, I'm gonna try to go see Kyle. I'm having boyfriend-withdrawals D: </3
Well there's your update cx I'm not doing anything this weekend that I know of so I'll be here if anyone wants me~
Oh and have some selfies. They're from the first day of school.
[ ] You tilt your head when you're confused.
[x] You love sweets and cute things.
[x] You are often confused and lost in conversations with your friends.
[x] You blush simply thinking of sexual things.
[ ] People often call you cute.
[x] You care a lot about your friends.
[x] You embarrass yourself a lot with silly question or statements.
[x] You like bright, soft colors.
[x] You enjoy listening to cute, sweet, gentle songs.
[ ] You add things to the end of your friend's names
[x] People often say "aww" when you've done something clumsy/silly.
[ ] You like anime/movies about romance, love and friendship.
Your Tsundere side:
 You come off as tough and confident on the outside, when you are actually soft and emotional on the inside
[ ] You often hide your true feelings for someone.
[x] You are caring but deny it when someone tells it to you.
[/] You are protective. (I'm not bodyguard material, but I will make sure people I care about are okay and keep them out of bad situations)
[/] When someone bugs you, you tell them right away strongly, but are still on the inside worried that you've hurt them. (I never tell anyone right away, I always worry that I'm hurting people)
[x] You are easily embarrassed.
[x] Compliments make you feel awkward and you always deny them.
[ ] You tease and bully the one you love to hide your feelings.
[ ] You can be violent at times.
[x] You may hurt people a lot, but regret it right away
[ ] When people say Thank You, you often reply by saying it was for yourself
[ ] You never cry in front of others.
Your Yandere side:
[x] You are often loving, caring, sweet - until someone upsets you badly.
[ ] When angry, you're normally hide it until the time for revenge is right. (I never get revenge or stay mad at someone for too long. It's a weakness.)
[ ] You can at times, be obsessive.
[ ] People have said you are "two-faced".
[x] People tell you you're nice, but can be creepy at times.
[ ] You scare the crap out of your friends when you get upset.
[x]People find it weird to see you anything other than gentle and smiling.
[x] When you're upset, sometimes you still smile, even when saying something harsh.
[ ] You can get very violent.
[ ] You love to help people, but often love to help yourself more.
[ ] You like slow, sweet, but twisted songs.
[x] You like colors like dark blue or light red.
Your Kuudere side:
[ ] You don't show your emotions to others.
[ ] You hide your true feelings.
[x] When you become close to someone, you slowly open up.
[x] Although you don't show it, you are easily made happy.
[ ] You care for others a lot, still you don't show it.
[ ] People think you are mysterious.
[x] You can be shy.
[x] You aren't very loud, rather silent.
[ ] You know who to trust and who not to.
[ ] You choose your friends wisely.
[x]You like simple colors, like light purple or white.
[x] You are rather mature.
Your Dandere side:
[x] You are a shy person.
[x] You are quiet and don't speak up for yourself.
[x] You look down instead of straight forwards when walking.
[x] You sometimes go to extreme levels just to get out of public speaking.
[x] You have stage fright.
[ ] You are stoic and not very open.
[x] You hide yourself with your hair at times.
[x] Your face starts boiling when speaking with others.
[x] You speak very quietly in case you say something silly or you sound weird.
[x] You are afraid of meeting new people.
[ ] You are a hard worker.
[x] You do not have as many friendships as others, but those you do have, you cherish very much.
Result: Dandere o;
And now I'm off to make French toast and dye my hair. Bye-bye~