My self-esteem has literally plummeted to a new low.
Yesterday, I was taking a shower. And like a lot of other people, I do a lot of thinking in the shower. Well I began wondering about my gender again. And I just came to the conclusion that I'm literally just a crossdressing, femme, trans boy. And I felt good about that. For a moment until I really started looking at my body.
Normally I take good care of myself. But as of late, my skin has gotten really rough, my face and shoulder/chest/collarbone have broken out in acne really bad, I have bruises all up and down my right side (??? from what, I don't know), and the scars on my wrists and calves are oddly visible. I had never felt so ugly in my life.
I always considered my wrists my favorite part of my body. I just love my skin tone in that area (it's like porcelain) and my veins are like an indigo color. But what I love about them most of all is that no matter how deep or how much I had ripped them open, the scars never showed. So you can imagine how I felt seeing the scars. :(
Then, naturally, I started feeling the dysphoria of being a male in a female's body. I know it sounds so cliche, but it really is like being trapped. Nothing feels right. It's suffocating and heart-breaking.
I was in the middle of washing my hair and face when I just sort of lost it. I started feeling like I was going to faint or throw up. So I washed out my conditioner and face wash, threw on a towel and ran to my room, thinking I just needed to calm down and relax for a moment.
But it didn't work. I ended up crying over how dissatisfied I am with my body. And that led to an anxiety attack.
I tried calling Kyle, but he didn't answer. He's the only one who knows how to handle me when I'm breaking down. But he didn't answer. I think he was at his friend's house or asleep.
So, instinctively, I tried to grab for my razors. Which I threw out last December.
With no real escape or outlet, I ended up throwing up. It wasn't forced or anything. I had just.. made myself sick.
So after that, I made a list of homemade remedies to hopefully make myself look better.
But still, I can't believe that I actually made myself sick. x.x that's never happened before. I mean, I've felt nauseous during panic attacks before, but never have I actually thrown up over my appearance before. o.e
Anyway, I ended up talking to Kyle all night last night and that helped a lot and made me feel better. It was nice because we haven't gotten to talk much lately since he's really busy with his friends.
Then today, I just did chores, did my laundry (ALL OF IT. lol. I have no dirty clothes at the moment *~*) and cooked dinner. I made chicken Alfredo. It was really good, and I haven't cooked anything in a long time so that was nice.
Tonight, I'm gonna take a bath and use all of my home remedies for my body and face and such.
I hope I at least look decent before Wednesday. That's the first day back at school.
I'm actually really excited, but nervous. I've really got to get down to business this year since I'm a senior. Also really nervous about telling my teachers that I go by Kyle. I had a lot of cool teachers that completely understood last year, but this year might be different. I hope my teachers are cool. .-.
Oh yeah. I'm dying my hair again Tuesday night. I know, I dye my hair a lot but I don't like faded hair color. Plus I didn't want to start school looking all unkempt. :U
I'm going a brighter auburn. I'm hoping for more of a orange-y color this time around. It's not much different than the last color I dyed it. Right now it's faded to a light-ish brown. I like my hair brown, but I wanna keep it bright-ish before fall really gets here.
Here's a few pictures of it before it's gone:
Anyway, I'm feeling okay now so whooooo. cx
Once again, I find myself in a struggle of my self-expression, my gender identity and who I really am.
Up until I was around 14, I always just thought of myself as a tomboy with a femme side. I just thought that I was a girl, and that was the end of it. That the reason I hated my body was because I'm chubby. (well obese but hey)
But then I created a character when i turned about 14-15 that I often role played as. This character was named Kyle and he was the male version of myself. I actually hated the name Kyle but my ex best friend who was also creating a character said we should go with names close to our "girl" names.
As time went on, I started sort of... morphing into this character. Because I felt so complete and confident when I role played as Kyle. I began embracing my femininity but hating my own female body.
Me and my ex best friend started to joke about how Kyle had become a part of me. He literally was a second personality. Me and my ex friend joked about "if I were a man".
The idea of being a man started to really appeal to me. Not because of male-privileges or because I'm some yaoi fangirl but because everything seemed to make sense and feel right. It was like finally fitting together two puzzles pieces.
So I did some research into the trans* spectrum and did a lot of learning and officially came out as a transgender male.
Once I finally accepted myself as transgender, I thought that I had it all figured out. That I was simply a boy in a girl's body.
But then sexuality and expression came into the equation and I found myself identifying as an effeminate gay man.
Which I have identified with up until recently.
Now, just listen to me. Clothes do not define gender. They are simply fabric covering your body. Nor does makeup or hair or even appearance in gender dictate someone's gender. So when I say things like present myself as a woman or a man, I mean mind-set-wise by either embracing my female body or binding and such to give myself a more masculine figure.
I've been wanting to wear dresses and heels lately. It's sort of a step up from my usual crossdressing (makeup and long-ish hair) but I still want to bind my chest in whatever dress I'm wearing. Underneath the clothes what do you have: a boy; still.
Basically, a boy in a dress.
And at first, that's all I thought I wanted. Which the idea still absolutely appeals to me.
But recently, I've found myself wanting to present as a woman a few times.
Now, I know that I'm predominantly a boy. I prefer male pronouns and my male name. I'm still a feminine boy who likes other boys. I'm, as my friends call me, a pretty boy. n.n
But maybe I want to be a boy who is a girl sometimes, or a boy and girl at the same time or neither or interchanging genders.
I'm starting to consider the possibilities that I'm genderfluid or bigender.
And I mean, I know that I don't necessarily have to label myself or even know what gender I am. I don't have to identify with anything. But I want to. Feeling like I don't know who I am sucks. More than I can express.
And also. How can I correct people with their pronouns if I don't even know what gender I am?
I'm just feeling kind of lost lately about it.
Also, aside from gender, WHO AM I. Like literally. I don't know. I can tell you things I enjoy, things that I do. But I can't talk about myself to save my life.
I don't know what to say about myself. I think you can tell that from my introduction lolol. I just... don't have any idea.
And I've been thinking about my future lately.
I've always been dead-set on not doing much except on-the-job training. No schooling. No college. Nothing.
But I'm really thinking about maybe finding out some options about some sort of schooling in theatre work.
Maybe writing on the side as a serious thing as well. Because writing is my true passion but acting is something I'm quite passionate about as well. And even if it's not acting, I considering myself pretty skilled at designing costumes and doing makeup.
And I'm definitely getting serious about my writing lately.
But then I'm also really into my drawing as well. I mean, it's one of my main things in school. And I'm decent at it but I'm not sure I'd be able to keep a career in it unless it was an on-the-side thing. As much as I get frustrated with my art, I don't see that as a good idea.
And then there's baking and cooking, which, not to brag but, I'm fantastic at. Everyone loves my deserts. And I've been told I make really good dinner. cx and I love setting tables and such. But granted, maybe I'd just be happy with hosting dinner parties every Friday night hahaha.
I don't know. Jeez. I need to do some self-discovering. Between my gender/appearance, personality and my goals, I'm starting to realize I really don't know much about myself.
I've been busy lately. o; I finally enrolled for school and I'm quite happy with my classes. :D
I got: culinary arts, government, math applications, AP studio art, psychology, english, graphic design, and repertory theatre.
I'm REALLY excited for studio art and repertory theatre!! It's odd that I got theatre considering that I didn't audition but I think it's because my teacher knows how I preform and I'm a pretty good student.
Then the next couple of days after that, I looked after my dad's girlfriend's daughter. Her name is Re'anion but everyone just calls her Re. She's actually 20 but has the mind of a child. She doesn't talk or walk, but she does get around on her own and such.
Watching her was honestly a breeze. I haven't gotten paid yet (I don't even know the amount I'm getting!) but I'll be getting it probably by her mom's next check. It was like babysitting a two year old and somehow, I'm good with kids. It's probably because of all the volunteer work I do at the renaissance festival twice a year. I help run the games for the kid's realm. cx
Speaking of the renaissance festival, I'm working on making things to save up some money for that. I like to make little DIY crafts. Like making little octopus dolls out of socks and doing beaded charms and such. If anyone knows of anymore DIY stuff to make that doesn't require any sewing, please tell me!
I'm also thinking of making a persona for the Renfest. I mean, I sort of have an idea. Because every faire, I go both days in two different costumes. But one of them is always a faerie. And I have a name for him: Damyris. But I need to come up with sort of a signature look that remains the same and a backstory/personality. I also have friends who might want to do this with me so I'll have to see what I can do. n.n
This year, I've decided that for my second costume, I'll either do a fawn or a pirate with my wolf tail and matching ears. The fawn is my first choice though I'll have to design and make a whole new costume, and somehow find a way to wear the heavy makeup with my glasses and sunblock. ;A;
So the pirate is my last resort haha cx all I'll have to find for that is a new top, wolf ears and maybe some accessories and a set of boots. Which I need new boots anyway lol.
The concept for my faerie outfit is going to be a bit different this year. Usually I wear warm colors but I think this year, I'm going with turquoise and gold or brown.
Anyway enough of that.
I'm working on my writing and taking a break from drawing in order to do so. I want to make sure I know how to describe things without having to draw it out haha.
You may see a few more artworks of mine posted, but none of them are recent. I'm also not taking any art trades or requests for a while. Not until I start selling my DIY stuff.
So yeah. I'm finally like available again so I'm here :u
So after I got to calming down yesterday I feel so much better. I'm in a pretty decent mood.
I did more fawn makeup the night before yesterday night. Only this time, on my brother. (I've heard from at least a million people tht we really look alike and even a few people have mistaken him for me. We've also been thought of as twins o___o; he's younger by three years I dont really see that many similarities in us, but pff.) We were both really bored and he's always willing to let his older brother test makeup on him so. I am incredibly proud of it. :D.
I've decided that I'm going to make a fawn costume for the next renaissance faire, which I believe is sometime in September or October. n.n I just need to get better makeup products, figure out how to wear my glasses with it if I have to, and get a costume together. I'm thinking a white and pastel theme with the colors for the actual clothing and accessories. But it all depends on what color(s) my hair is by then. I'm hoping for dark burgundy with a streak of blue for the colder seasons but we shall see. :3
Also, I've finally compiled a new clear plot for a story. I've been wanting to write a story that I can really use my stronger elements in (which are fantasy and romance).
Another thing is that I've been considering the idea of starting a new world for a story that's events are completely dictated by the fans. Like I would come up with the characters and basic plot line, but the readers could comment and tell me what they'd like to happen to move the story along. But I'll only do so if I have a few people who are interested.
Tonight I'm going to work on posting in my RPs. Sorry to you guys who've been waiting. I just haven't been motivated and I don't want to half-ass a post. x.x I'll try to speed things up. I don't know why I take so long to get started on these things now.
Tomorrow, I'm going to go enroll for school. So weird to be a senior now. But I'm mostly scared because I'm really going to have to crack down this year on school if I want to graduate. I've got to makeup a semester of US history 1 (the teacher legitimately hated me. Not even kidding.) and a semester of math applications.
But I'm also quite excited. For one, I'll be in Special Art Production for drawing and painting. :D which means I get to set up my own projects and have a lot more freewill. My teacher, Mr. Kelly, is weird. He's funny though, and he cares a lot about his students. He's really weird and awkward. But that's probably why he's my favorite teacher. He's also my academy teacher so I see him everyday.
And I'm not quite sure if I have any drama classes this year, which saddens me. :c I absolutely love being in drama, but you had to audition to be in Repertory Theatre. And though I picked it as one of my top choices for classes, I just couldn't bring myself to audition. x.x I guess we'll see.
Oh! This Friday, I may be looking after my dad's girlfriend's daughter for the night. The girl is about my age, but she's mentally challenged. I've met her before (and she is really sweet) but I am a bit nervous about it. But according to my brother, she's super easy to keep an eye on.
Also I'll be getting paid so whatever I deal with should be worth it. cx
Well anyway, there's my ramble. cx I hope everyone has a good rest of their week. I'll be here if you need me, more than likely.
I have had one of the worst days of my life today.
Alright, well it all started when yesterday, my dad was going to enroll my brother and I into school. But we didn't have our shot records and we can't enroll without them. So my dad calls our health clinics and they tell us, that both my brother and I need two shots.
Okay well I'm absolutely terrified of needles. Like just at the thought of getting a shot or getting my blood drawn makes me feel sick. Everytime I've had to have a needle stuck in me, I have a panic attack, cry, and throw up then almost faint. It never fails, no matter what method I try. As long as I know it's happening, I'm panicking about it.
Well I didn't sleep last night at all because of the fear and the fact that I wasn't sleepy at a decent hour and I figured it would just be easier to stay up and get dressed and ready rather than sleep.
So I'd be feeling like I was sick because of it and I threw up twice this morning before we even left.
Well then we finally went to go, me and my mom and brother and the whole time, my mom is making fun of me because I should be mature enough to get shots because I'm the oldest child.
Another thing was that while we were in the car, my brother slipped up and called me Kyle in front of my mom (I'm out to my brother and he's quite supportive of me). So my mom turns to face him and says in the angriest tone: "shut the fuck up. Her name is Kayla, not Kyle. She's a girl, not a boy. Though despite what she seems to think."
so that really hurt.
Then we get to the place where my brother gets his shots. And I'm sitting in the hallway because I can't watch people get shots or I feel queasy or more queasy than I already was if it was possible. And while I'm outside I get up and lean against a wall. Well this kid runs by me and bumps into me. No big deal to me. But then the kid's mom comes up to me and gets in my face, saying that I was touching her kid and all this bs. And finally a doctor got her to leave me alone but that really pissed me off.
Then after that we get some burgers on the way to my clinic. I knew it was a bad idea to eat so I didn't have any breakfast but I was so hungry. So I ate the burger and then we got to my clinic.
And after we get there, my mom starts talking to the receptionist and my half-brother who is five/doesnt know when to shut up and was with us starts pointing at me to random people "that's my SISTER!! HER name is KAYLA!!" so I got embarrassed and started feeling even more sick so I ran to the bathroom and threw up. Then I cried my eyes out and hyperventilated for a good 15 minutes.
Then after texting Kyle, I calm down enough and step out. Then they tell me that I'm actually up-to-date on all of my immunizations.
So naturally I was pissed off, because I made myself sick, gave myself a panic attack and went through all this only to be told that I was fine.
Well we decided to head home so my mom could drop me off before taking my half brother to the doctor. And I get out of the car, but this wasp buzzes by and skims my arm. I screamed really loud and jumped out of my skin and of course, all my neighbors are staring at me.
So I just run inside and lay in bed for a moment. Then I kick my shoes off and go to get a glass of water. And of COURSE, I step in cat vomit.
THEN to make matters worse, I got my "time of the month" out of nowhere and it hit me HARD. Cramps so bad I couldn't move amongst other things. And I haven't had a thing since like October. (idk why. Mine has always been really irregular and abnormally heavy so)
At this point, I was just done with everything. I went back to bed an called Kyle to calm down and that worked.
Then a few hours later, I feel okay and I'm craving Chinese food. So I ask my mom about that and she says we can't afford it. Which is okay with me. But then my stepdad has to throw in his attitude: "DO YOU THINK WE HAVE ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD KAYLA." So I got pissed off and went to go take a nap.
Kyle called me to check on me because I wasn't online and we talked for a while and it was nice. For dinner I had tacos and I like tacos so I'm not complaining.
But then Kyle has to leave to hang out with a friend and I realize how damn lonely I am. I don't have anyone to hang out with at all and I can't talk to anyone. My anxiety prevents me from doing so.
I can't even go in public without freaking out. I found that out last night when I went to go grocery shopping with my mom. I felt all weak and my ears got hot like they do during an anxiety attack.
And last night I tried to talk to Nick (one of my best friends) and it just sucked. Because I can't talk to anyone over text. I always overthink my response and it sucks. And I can't keep a conversation going to save my life. So I basically kept changing the subject really oddly and he wasnt saying much back and I felt really awkward.
I just haven't seen much of anyone except Kyle this summer and now I can't talk to people. Kyle is trying to encourage me and get me to talk to people but I just can't.
So I'm just kind of left here feeling stressed out and lonely. I don't know what to do. I need... something to chill me out. I've had nightmares every night this month I think.
I love that I have Kyle but I don't want him to be the only person I talk to. And I know that he doesn't want that, either. It's really stressful and I feel like crying all the time.
In fact I am crying all the time.
Not to mention that I'm starting to doubt myself when it comes to getting on T in less than a year. If I can't handle a yearly vaccination, how am I going to handle getting a shot of testosterone every two weeks or month or whatever? I'm really scared that because of this fear I won't be able to do it. Not to mention that T is like $60 a dose. If I don't have my shit together, this could really cost me.
More than anything I want to be on T. I really do. And to realize that I may not be able to do something that I've waited years to do really sucks.
I just want to continue my transition. That's all I want.
But no, I'm too much of a fucking pansy to deal with the pain.